Work Text:
cause i want to be forever
like smoke in the air
float like a feather going nowhere
lost in the silence
i need to be free
kill me with kindness
and please
tell me beautiful lies
The early hours of the morning found Jeongguk awake. Restless, with a weight on his heart he can’t not notice, nor he can will to go away. Taehyung and him are a tangle of limbs under the covers, Taehyung’s lithe form fits perfectly against Jeongguk’s chest and there should be warmth. It should be bliss. But the ever burning furnace that used to be Taehyung’s body seems cold to the touch. It’s been colder and colder every day. Jeongguk wraps both arms around him, as if he could warm up his soul simply by the heat of his own body and sheer will. If only it worked that way. He buries his nose in the silky strands of Taehyung’s hair, inhaling the faint scent of strawberry shampoo he loves so much, kissing his crown and whispering sweet nothings with closed eyes, hoping they’d reach him. Hoping they’d help. He can almost taste desperation hanging in the air, like a large gray cloud, ugly and menacing, and as Taehyung tightens his grip on his shirt, pulling himself impossibly close Jeongguk isn’t sure which of them is the more desperate one.
turn out the light
there are no more surprises to come
let’s be numb together
It was early September that he first noticed Taehyung’s ever shining eyes had gone a bit dull. He didn’t think much of it first; work, stress and lack of sleep take a lot out of a person, even if they are the human embodiment of sunshine. Taehyung laughed a lot, he kissed with fervour and his dramatic retellings of everyday events kept making their friends laugh.
The signs were subtle. One might not have even noticed them, had they not known Taehyung as well as Jeonnguk did. Taehyung sang less in the shower. Jeongguk stopped finding him dancing to Bigbang in nothing but his red short shorts in the middle of their living room, despite it having had been a regular ocurrence. He slept more, then some nights he didn’t sleep at all. Jeongguk knew because he noticed the soft dip of the mattress every time Taehyung returned to bed after a nighttime tea only to lie awake till morning came. Jeongguk has been stocking up on Chamomile ever since, because Seokjin once mentioned it helps with sleep.
Taehyung spent many of his evenings sitting on the balcony, wrapped up in a blanket, looking at the lights, he explained, but as Taehyung stared into the dark of the night Jeongguk stared at him, and one Thursday evening Taehyung felt as far away as the flickering lights of Seoul down below. That was the day worry stuck to Jeongguk’s lungs like glue, making it hard to breath and sealing his lips shut, as if monsters didn’t manifest if he just kept his mouth closed.
i wish that i had the strenght to let go, but i don’t
i’m paralysed
i see the child in your eyes and i’m stuck in the headlights
Months went by and Jeongguk became fixated on the problem, or more like what seemed to be the lack of it, while trying his hardest to not let Taehyung notice. Something felt off and he couldn’t help but think he should already know what it was. What kind of a boyfriend was he, if he didn’t after all?
He spent as much time at home as he possibly could without jeopardizing his position while making an effort to do something for his boyfriend, no matter how insignificant, every day. He consciously complemented Taehyung in the morning before they set off for work, whether his hair framed his face beautifully, or his oversized DIY jumper made him look especially cute. Not like he had to lie though, Jeongguk had never seen a person more gorgeous or perfect than Taehyung. Sometimes he still felt an odd sense of privilege to be in the presence of such and ethereal being.
At nights, he worshipped every inch of Taehyung’s body, like the masterpiece it was, leaving constellations of purple on golden skin, murmuring praise after praise into supple flesh that made Taehyung’s eyes water with satisfaction.
And on days when Taehyung was clingier than usual he let his boyfriend attach himself to his back like a koala all day, though slightly inconvenient while cooking, yes, but welcome none the less. He even spent a Saturday morning writing notes and song lyrics on small pieces of paper then hiding them around the apartment for Taehyung to find, which resulted in Jimin branding him cheesy and cooing at him for being ‘such a romantic, Jeongguk-ah’, but the lapful of Taehyung and his signature, rectangular smile after finding an excerpt of First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes in the sugar container was worth it all.
December came by and he encouraged Taehyung to take a couple days off work together so they could celebrate Taehyung’s birthday by staying in all day, eating pizza and cuddling on the sofa. And it was wonderful and Taehyung seemed just fine, to the point where Jeongguk almost convinced himself it was all a figment of his imagination. Taehyung smothered him with kisses and Jeongguk was filled with painful hope that everything was ok. If only he hadn’t woken up to an empty space next to him and found his boyfriend sitting in front of the open kitchen window with a blank expression on his face and nearly freezing to death.
oh, well i’ve tried to be open
but i’ve found it’s hard when you’re broken
and in the heat of the moment we’re free
so please, please
please
tell me beautiful lies
cover my eyes with your hands, just pretend we’re better
As Taehyung snuggles closer, clutching Jeongguk’s t-shirt with both hands he nuzzles Taehyung’s temple.
‘I love you so much.’ He whispers, and Taehyung seems to have been awake because he inhales sharply before suddenly sobs start shaking his delicate frame. And they don’t stop.
‘Oh, Tae..’ Jeongguk’s shirt is soaked by fat tears and he feels like his heart might break as he pours all his love into his embrace, the only thing he’s got, strong hands rubbing Taehyung’s back, wishing he knew what else to do. How to make it better.
Long minutes pass before Taehyung starts calming down but he doesn’t let Jeongguk go.
‘Is it me?’ Jeongguk asks, barely audible, voice cracking slightly.
Taehyung shakes his head vehemently against his chest and the tears keep falling harder. There are apologies imprinted in his skin, every touch of every fingertip screams ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ but Jeongguk doesn’t know what Taehyung is apologising for.
‘Can I fix it?’ he then asks, so desperately trying to find a way, but Taehyung answers with another shake of head. Jeongguk sighs helplessly and tightens his arms around his boyfriend’s frame.
‘I just wish I could help.’
At that, Taehyung looks up at him. His face is puffy and his eyes and nose are red from crying. He reaches out and strokes Jeongguk’s cheek, who leans into the touch desperately.
‘You’ve been helping. So much. You don’t even know.’
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
Taehyung swipes his thumb across his cheek and that’s when he notices that both of them are crying. Taehyung leans in and presses a feather light kiss on Jeongguk’s lips.
‘Thank you for not giving up on me.’
‘I would never.’
turn out the light
there are no more surprises to come
let’s be numb together