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To everyone's, but mostly Seongje's, surprise, love had found him. Sneaked on him like a slithery, venomous snake and left him sick, and full of poison, half borrowed half his own. It had been a month since he started dating Hyuntak. And he was just now realising how much of Seongje's life relied on Hyuntak.
His mood for the day now depended on whether or not he'd be able to meet Hyuntak that day. He didn't feel like smoking a cigarette when they hung out because somehow kissing Hyuntak breathless was more addictive than nicotine. Despite being a cat person, he now has a growing fondness for corgis because they remind him too much of hyuntak. Everything in Seongje's life lately found its way to Hyuntak.
Seongje doesn't remember the last time life had felt this easy to live, this fun to do simple, mundane things. Like going window shopping and watching absolutely bad movies to make fun of them. He thought only violence could satisfy the itch in him, could make the unease of living life bearable, but somehow, with Hyuntak, he could almost forget the constant need for thrill, for rush; somehow, Hyuntak's company was enough.
He couldn't wrap his head around the possibility of this. Seongje now had a boyfriend. What were the odds? And it wasn't just anyone. It was Hyuntak. Seongje had Hyuntak as his boyfriend. Pretty Pretty Hyuntak. Pretty Pretty Hyuntak, who rejects at least 5 guys a month. Pretty Pretty Hyuntak, who is adored by his friends and loved dearly by his mom. Hyuntak, who gets easily enraged and is so impulsive that it's sometimes amusing to watch. Hyuntak, who is silly and so full of life, who always sees the grass greener, the glass half full. Hyuntak, who believes that he can overcome anything with his willpower and stubbornness. Hyuntak, loved, treasured and cared for all his life, somehow ended up with Seongje?! SEONGJE.
He can feel the panic building up in him slowly. He's lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, hoping it could give him some answers. Why Seongje, when he could have anyone? What if one day he wakes up and realises this was a mistake? What if Seongje messed it all up? And of course, he will eventually, like everything else, like everyone else. What if being with him affects the light in Hyuntak's eyes? What if the darkness in Seongje's life takes in Hyuntak? What if it changes Hyuntak into someone similar to him? Would Seongje ever be able to forgive himself?
Abandon or be abandoned. A game Seongje has played since he was 9, and every single time, he is the one being left behind. So, is it so wrong to use it to save the one person he loves this time?
Seongje does what he knows best. Bite the hand that feeds him. He gets distant. Replies to Hyuntak's messages late, always bailing on planned hangouts with lame excuses. Doesn't call, ignores when Hyuntak does, deliberately makes bad excuses because he knows Hyuntak would be so understanding otherwise. Seongje couldn't understand why Hyuntak tried so hard. Why was he so persistent? Why wasn't he getting tired of Seongje's excuses? Why wasn't he giving up, like everyone else?
-
Hyuntak's patience was beginning to wear thin. He could sense something was wrong, but despite his efforts, Seongje just refused to show up. Everything had been so good the past month, and even after replaying the events of the last month again and again in his mind, he couldn't think of a single thing that might have pushed Seongje away. He could feel the frustration building up, and he knew he had to know just what was going on inside Seongje's head. So here he was knocking on Seongje's door. After getting no response even on the 7th knock, Hyuntak calls him. Seongje doesn't pick up. He decides to send a text.
I am not leaving until we talk.
After another 30 minutes, he hears the door unlock.
"What the fuck is going on, Geum Seongje?" Hyuntak says, walking in, brushing past Seongje. He wanted to be calm, he really did try, but seeing Seongje look like a corpse pushed him over the edge. The eyebags under his eyes looked like he hadn't slept a day. He was wearing his t-shirt backwards, and his hair was a mess. Did something happen? Why couldn't he tell Hyuntak?
As Seongje turns, Hyuntak's worried expression makes Seongje's morning coffee churn in his stomach. Seongje hides his wince well. With all the indifference he can muster, and a blank stare, He asks, "What?"
"What's going on? Is something wrong?" Hyuntak asks, trying to keep his voice steady
"Why would anything be wrong?"
"Don't do this, Seongje. I am not stupid. Tell me what's wrong?"
"I am literally telling you right now. nothing is wrong."
"Then why have you been ignoring me?"
Seongje want to throw up. Why can't it be easy to push Hyuntak away? Why does he care so much? Why can't Hyuntak be selfish and protect himself for once? After everything, he's here asking what's wrong with Seongje?
"I haven't. We can't just be together all the damn time, Hyuntak. Everything isn't about you. Me wanting some alone time isn't about you. It gets suffocating. Can't I have some time to myself without you constantly being on my ass for something? I'm sick of us always being together. Why is it such a big deal if I don't want to go to that cafe you asked me to or hang out with your stupid friends? I just need to be alone. Can you do that? Can you leave me the fuck alone? "
"I am warning you," Hyuntak frowns, his lips pressed. Seongje can see he's holding back
"Don't say anything you don't mean. I know something is bothering you, and that's why you are acting out. But you have no right to talk to me like this. Whatever it is, we will find a solution, you know that, right? I won't overreact, I promise. Did something happen?"
Then a little softer, "Don't ruin this, Seongje. Please."
And now Seongje can't help but feel actually angry at this. Was Hyuntak not hearing him? Why is he acting so out of character? Seongje knows Hyuntak. He knows how angry he gets when being treated like that. Why couldn't he just get mad and storm out? Why was he trying to be reasonable after everything Seongje had said and done? It was pissing Seongje off; it felt like the world was off balance, like he was missing some information Hyuntak had.
"What the fuck is your problem, Hyuntak? Can't you hear what I just said?" Seongje bit back louder than he had planned to.
He noticed the slight twitch under Hyuntak's eye. Hyuntak took a step forward. "What's the point? I am seriously so confused right now, where all this is coming from." He sounds tired. Seongje notices the slight tremor in his left hand. "Everything was fine until last week. You were excited for the beach trip." Hyuntak shoves his phone in Seongje's face, scrolling through their old chats. "We were texting literally every minute of the day for the past month, every time I came to your place, you had the jar full of my favourite choco chip cookie from the exact bakery I like, even though it's literally an hour away and you don't even like them. You think I don't notice how every time we go on walks, you say you're tired just before my knee starts hurting? You think I don't know you sent chicken soup for an entire week through Juntae, when I was sick, and we weren't even dating at that time? Now suddenly, you want me to believe you are sick of me, and you don't want me bothering you? You seriously believe I am that stupid?
His hand reaches for Seongje's. "Tell me what's wrong je? What's bothering you?" Maybe it was the soft tone Hyuntak used, maybe it was his stubbornness to not let Seongje go, maybe it was the way he was gently caressing Seongje's hand, but he couldn't stop himself from saying, "You deserve better." Hyuntak sighs, bringing both his hands to cup Seongje's face. "I have been told I deserve to have whatever I want."
"And I want you."
Something in Seongje's eyes shifts, so he continues while caressing his cheeks.
"I love you, and I know it's a lot. Let me ease you into this. Let me in Seongje. I can love you. I can help you. But I can only do it if you let me."