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Erin gets quiet sometimes. It’s not concerning, Holtz thinks. She just… Stops sometimes.
It lasts a day or two, possibly longer if she feels like it. She never has a reason as to why she does it, why it happens. And Holtz doesn’t push her on it. Just accepts it as it is, whatever that may be.
The thing is, she’s not sulking and she’s not angry, Erin just doesn’t talk much or eat as much, or move particularly fast. She works just as well as any other day. If they’ve got a ghost out there that needs to be busted, she’s always enthusiastic but afterwards she’s just silent. Smiling, but silent.
Holtz isn’t sure if Abby or Patty have noticed it quite as much, but Holtz and Erin have been dating for a couple months now. She’s more attuned to all the little things about Erin. She knows that she likes to wash her hair every two days, because she thinks it’s healthier for it. Knows she likes to add the sugar to her tea after the milk. Knows that no matter what they’ve done in bed at night she’ll always put on some underwear, just on her bottom half. Hell, she evens knows what exact mood she’s in by what tone she uses in her groans or mumbles. So Holtz doesn’t ask why Erin goes quiet, because she’d bring it up if she wanted to talk about it.
She’s not distant either. If anything she likes to be closer to Holtzmann. On the first day it begins Erin likes to kiss Holtz’s cheek more than she normally would. She always asks if she wants some chips or something to drink. Holtzmann rarely takes her up on the offer, figuring she should just let Erin do her own thing, whatever that is. Whatever it means.
At night when they sleep Erin tucks herself into Holtzmann’s side like she’s scared of something. Holtz just kisses the top of her head and mumbles, “sweet dreams,” to her girlfriend, hoping it comes as a kind of comfort for her to hear those words, and she lets Erin drift off to sleep. Holtz just wants to watch her sleep on these days, wondering what happens during this time. Wonders where she goes. Wonders if she’s alright.
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Most mornings they wake up together when one of their alarms goes off. During Erin’s quiet days she’s always up earlier than her girlfriend, and she’s usually looking out a window with a cup of coffee in her hands, keeping her fingertips warm. On these mornings, Holtzmann always comes up behind Erin and wraps her arms around her waist, resting her chin on Erin’s shoulder and bids her a good morning. Wonders what she’s thinking about. There’s a melancholic disposition about her when she stares out the window, but Holtz only lingers on that for a moment before she takes a sip of Erin’s coffee before she gets her own, like every other morning, letting Erin stay in her little bubble.
A lot of the time Holtz does picture in her head what it would be like if she just asked Erin what happens on these days. She wants to know. Wants to know where she goes and if her girlfriend is okay, but she pushes herself into thinking it’s not any of her business if Erin doesn’t want it to be. She respects boundaries, and she wouldn’t dare step over the line with one of her best friends. A woman she respects so much.
The first time it happened Holtz asked if she wanted to be alone that night, just to take some time to herself and Erin practically freaked out. Panicking and saying, “no!” as fast as she could manage, something frightening in her eyes that Holtzmann just caught. She just took hold of Erin’s hands, locked eyes with her and whispered, “okay, I won’t leave you,” and Erin smiled. Relief flooding into her eyes, full of loving gratitude. Holtz will never forget that look.
\
See, Erin is still affectionate. She grabs Holtzmann’s hand if they’re sitting down eating lunch together. She’ll crawl onto Holtz’s lap when they’re at home and stays there, curled up and listening to the beat of her girlfriend’s heart, finding something constant in her life.
She likes to look up and see Holtz dancing on the other side of the room in the firehouse. Erin smiles and rests her chin on her palm and watches Holtz moving to the music, and waits for the moment Holtz looks up and sees her watching, because there’s a sexy smirk that always comes next and sometimes that’s the only time in two or three days Erin will laugh.
On rare occasions, whether in her dark period or not, Erin will pull Holtzmann into the shower with her in the morning and rest her head on the blonde’s shoulder. Just letting the hot water fall over both of them as Holtz hums some 80’s tune and finds some body wash to go over Erin’s back with.
Holtzmann often catches Erin wearing a jumper of hers, or a t-shirt. Sometimes she’ll sleep in Holtz’s pyjama shorts. She had asked Erin why she likes to do it and she’d simply said, “your clothes are better than mine, and I like feeling this close to you, is that okay?” and Holtz could do nothing but smile and wrap her arms around Erin, holding her tight like a mother would with their ill child, and tell her, “whatever makes you feel better, baby.”
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It’s on a Thursday when Erin walks up to Holtz during one of her quiet times. She wanders past Holtz’s worktables casually, picking some invention up that’s not quite finished and decides she’d better put it back down gently, and she smiles at Holtz. Erin walks to the desk she’s currently working at, leaning against it and folding her arms.
They’ve been dating for four months next Monday and it’s on this Thursday Erin walks over, after not saying more than three words in the last day and a half and just starts talking. Her voice is soft, but she knows what she’s saying. It’s not practiced, but Holtz can tell she’s spent a lot of time thinking about this talk.
“I get quiet, sometimes. I bet you’ve noticed,” Erin smirks sadly, and Holtz nods, snorting a little unexpectedly. She drops her pliers and gives her full attention to her girlfriend. Erin doesn’t look at her during this.
“I get quiet, and it’s not about anything. Not really,” she sighs. “It’s more a habit if anything. From when I was in high school and my first year of college. I’d been through so much therapy, and I just couldn’t get better . I know now it’s because nothing was wrong with me, but I used to think there was. Like I was conditioned into thinking there was.”
Her voice stays strong, completely unwavering, like she’s already shed too many tears over this and she hasn’t got any left. Holtzmann touches her elbow, gesturing that she wants to take Erin’s hand. She doesn’t know why she does this, but maybe it makes herself feel better since Erin seems to be doing okay.
“When I was in therapy, I’d get depressed about the whole situation, and after a while I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk about it because the therapist just kept telling me it had to do with the belief of ghosts and once we worked through it the depression would disappear. It didn’t, even after I stopped seeing that crack therapist,” Erin shakes her head nonchalantly, rolls her eyes a little, like she’s dismissing her own feelings still. Holtz takes a deep breath in and kisses Erin’s hand.
“I’d have bad days, and terrible days, but eventually I got out of it, I came through on the other side,” and both the women smirk at the hint to their big bust months ago. “It had lasted so long that now I just get quiet. I’m not depressed and I’m not sulking around, but sometimes I just like the quiet. It’s almost comforting to me now. Of course I’d rather have you with me; I don’t like to be alone. Now that I have you, and the other two. And Kevin. But that’s just why I get like this. It’s just old habits, I swear, but I wanted to tell you.”
“It’s okay, Erin,” Holtz responds. Erin finally looks to her, and she smiles. Small and brief but Holtzmann sees it. “You don’t have to be alone during this. I’ll always be there for you. I knew you’d come to me when you were ready.”
“You’re too good to me, you know,” Erin tells her, laughing quickly with a shrug of her shoulders. “I just- Well, I don’t know. It’s stupid”
“Nuh uh, tell me. I love stupid things.”
Erin sighs softly before speaking. “During these days everything would feel so dark and dull and awful but since you, it’s like it happens but nothing else changes. You’re still you. You don’t change just because I do. You still play music and dance, and you still talk to me even if I don’t say anything back,” Erin takes a breath, looking to their connected hands. “You make everything so light, and loud and alive when nothing else seems that way.”
“I guess that’s just what I do, I don’t know how to be anything else when I’m with you,” Holtz says matter-of-factly. If anything she feels more confident to be her crazy (but lovable) self around Erin, and the others.
Erin closes her eyes for a moment, then stands, pulling Holtz up too, and Erin hugs her. Holds her like she’s a life raft, and then a wave of something hits Holtzmann so suddenly she audibly gasps, pulling back from Erin.
“What? What is it?” Erin asks in a slight panic. Holtz justs moves her hands to Erin’s shoulders, gripping tightly as she gets a little crazy eyed.
“I’m not sure why this hasn’t felt like this before.”
“What hasn’t? Holtz?”
“I’m so thick sometimes,” and Holtz laughs so loud and manically it confuses the hell out of Erin; her eyes are half closed and twitching, her top lip has curved up on one side. “Erin,” Holtzmann continues, getting a hum out of Erin.
“My dear, sweet, sweet girlfriend of almost four months, Erin. I felt it before but it’s as if I only just understand it now.” Holtz takes a hand off Erin’s shoulder to move around as she speaks more. “Like when you’re working on a theory for days and you know, you know, what you’re missing but it takes ages to get there. That’s what this is, oh my god. How did I not know?”
“How did you not know what? Holtz? Jillian, you’re freaking me out.”
Holtzmann places her hand back on Erin’s shoulder, and kisses her. It’s quick and not particularly soft, but then she kisses Erin again, softer by a fraction, then again.
“Erin Gilbert, I love you. ”
Neither one of them has said it before, and it’s as if an untested proton gun has spontaneously combusted in the room and stunned them because Erin makes a sound. It’s like a gasp and a groan at the same time, and Holtz has never heard it before. She’s fascinated by it. By everything about Erin. And she loves it all. And they haven’t said it yet.
“I love you, like, a lot and you don’t have to say it back but I’m fairly sure you love me back, if that’s not too crazy to assume? I don’t kn-
Erin kisses her, presses her body close enough that Holtz has to let her arms move over Erin’s shoulders. Erin kisses her likes there’s an explosion in the room and they might not make it out alive. It’s never felt like that before. Holtz thinks that it’s intoxicating, and from this kiss alone she doesn’t have to hear Erin say the words back, she knows she was right in her assumption.
Holtzmann knows how Erin feels, but Erin says it anyway. Says it so many times a day now that she can say it. Sometimes it’s the only things she says in her dark days, which she still gets, and Holtz knows it’s okay. That’s enough sometimes. Knows it’s all Erin can manage, and loves her more for it.
Erin is in one of her dark days and Holtz just knows her. Knows they love each other and they can be quiet about it, but everything is so colourful when they’re together. There’s noise all around them but it’s quiet as well. Erin cuts through Holtz’s noise, clears her head, makes everything crystal clear. They fit together, they complement each other.