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i saw the way you looked at me, even when i couldn't even see your face. in that fraction of a moment, i saw what you really wanted. you let it slip out, and i'd barely even noticed. i'd seen that spark in nearly all of my memories with you. and i wonder... why can't we?
i feel like i know what i want. you probably wanted it too, didn't you? even if you shoved it down your throat and into your grave.
and every time, it feels like forcibly prying open into your insides, trying to get you to throw up even a sliver of affection. and i know in my heart that this isn't the way to do things at all, and it's so incredibly greedy of me, but fucking hell, why do you have to be like this in the first place?
i can't even imagine if i were to say it straight to your face. you'd probably laugh. not at me, just at nothing, for no reason. i mean, are we really being serious here? we never are. neither of us have ever been the serious type. nothing i say is serious. take everything i'm saying right now as a joke. treat me like a piece of shit. swallow my feelings dry. the butterflies are malnourished and rotting. i want to do nothing but puke.
none of what i say matters, not to you, or to me, after everything. nothing will change. none of us will talk and yet we'll still feel like the disgusting set of words are there, spilling out like vomit. that's how it's always been. and i know that we won't talk ever again, and i know this because that's how it's always been.
i'm not saying i love you, so don't tell me how you feel either.