Archive of Our Own ^beta

On Kurt Anderson-Hummel's list of Why My Honeymoon Turned Into a Scene Out of Bad 1980s Horror Movie (which, way harsh, Kurt), “allowing Blaine to plan the honeymoon all by himself” holds the number one spot, where it remains stubbornly underlined and circled three times, adorned by exclamation points that run until the edge of the page.

Blaine thinks this is majorly unfair because “putting faith in Cooper Anderson’s vacation planning abilities” or even “freak occurrences of nature” are all much worthier first place contenders.  On Blaine Anderson-Hummel's list of Why the Last Day of Our Honeymoon Brought a Five Star Dream Vacation Down to a Perfectly Respectable 4.5 Star Trip, those two respectively hold the first and second slot with “deciding that planning a honeymoon mostly by myself was a good idea” ranking third.  

After ten years of happy marriage, with a two and a four year old daughter to show for it, Blaine knows that Kurt isn’t still holding a grudge over the less than photo-finish ending to their honeymoon.  It may have taken Kurt two tortuous weeks to have sex with him again after they returned home from it, but eventually they’d fallen into marriage (and back into bed) with relative ease.  Their life together since then mostly assuages Blaine’s guilt over his faulty post-nuptial planning but sometimes...

Sometimes he just wishes he could plan a do-over and have the type of epic picturesque honeymoon he knows their love warrants.

It isn’t until the two weeks before their ten-year anniversary that he realizes they can.

*

Perhaps we should start at the beginning, though for two people like Kurt and Blaine, such a term is relative to be sure.  

It’s Spring of 2017 when it happens, approximately a week after Blaine has turned in his Senior Thesis named ‘The Impact of Music Education on Academic Achievement,’ which is a case study based on the school he’s been student teaching at for the past year.  He’s on track to finish his B.S. in Early Childhood Education with a Minor in Music at NYU Steinhardt and he couldn’t be happier.  He’s finally living with Kurt in their own apartment after three often-treacherous years of splitting rent with Rachel and Santana, in a small one-bedroom apartment in Bushwick.  Kurt, for his part, graduated from NYADA the year before and landed a yearlong internship at an off-Broadway theatre in New York, exploring the production aspects of theatre while fostering professional relationships that may come in handy during auditions in the future.

It’s an early Saturday afternoon and Kurt and Blaine are in the kitchen after allowing themselves to sleep in. They haven’t seen each other all that much this week, Blaine busy finishing up his thesis and Kurt dealing with an emergency at work.  For the past week they’ve both arrived home to their apartment in varying iterations of ‘late’, ‘very late’, and ‘so late that it’s now early’ and have crawled into bed together, too tired to do anything but curl into each other and fall asleep.

Usually Kurt and Blaine cook breakfast in tandem on the weekends, but since Kurt has experienced a week from hell he’s insisted on preparing their food.  Kurt more than stress bakes; he stress grills, stress fries, and stress broils, whipping up more food than they’ll ever be able to eat in one sitting, ranting to Blaine as he flits around their tiny kitchen preparing the meal.  Besides sex, it’s Blaine’s favorite type of Kurt stress relief as it combines two of his favorite things: spending time with Kurt and eating breakfast food.

Kurt’s nearing the end of his rant as he puts the finishing touches on an incredible looking omelet, prodding the hardening egg yolk into precise submission while he talks.  “It was awful Blaine, absolutely awful,” Kurt says as he adjusts the skillet on the stove his back to Blaine as he cooks.  “Both the female lead and her understudy quit within hours of each other - which is understandable in my opinion, given how shittily the male lead treated them.  But that doesn’t change the fact that this is all happening the week before we’re supposed to be running tech, two weeks before the opening of the show”

“So how are you guys dealing with this then?” Blaine asks around the edge of his coffee mug, sipping leisurely from it.  He rests his chin on his palm as he watches Kurt, trying his best to keep up with the thread of conversation instead of mooning over how adorable Kurt is when he gets slightly manic.

“Luckily, even Off-Broadway theatre is populated by Rachel Berry-lites who have already memorized the lines and songs of the main role ‘just in case’ they need to step in.  We pulled up a member of the chorus whom the producers had almost given the understudy role to, and promoted the male lead’s understudy to the main part.”

“Still,” Blaine reasons, “it must have been completely hectic this week, even if you were able to find people to cover those roles.”

“That’s true,” Kurt says as he turns off the heat of the burner with a click.  He slides the omelet onto a plate that he then places on a table already heaving with food.  “We had to readjust a few of the dance numbers, rework blocking, and completely tailor new costumes.  The word hectic barely even covers what we’ve been through this week.”

“Kurt wanders back to the countertop, pulling out a mug from the cabinet overhead before pouring himself a cup of coffee.  Blaine knows Kurt’s exhausted after a long week of getting barely any sleep, but there’s languidity in his movements that Blaine doesn’t understand.  He’s seen Kurt in the throes of panic many times before and such behavior is unlike Kurt’s countenance at present.  

“To be honest Kurt I know you must have had a stressful week but...you actually don’t seem that bent out of shape over this whole thing. I don’t get it.”

Kurt sits opposite of Blaine and curls a palm around his coffee as he settles.  He hums slightly before he answers.  “Well, this whole process has still been amazing,” he says with a shrug.  “Despite the long overtime hours, having to call security to escort our former male lead out of the building, and furiously stitching new costumes until my thumbs bled, this is still the first production outside of NYADA I’ve seen from start to finish.  I mean, we still have a week to go, but the creative energy inside the theatre is breathtaking.” He smiles, more to himself than to Blaine. “In a way, I feel more secure now in my current career path than I ever did while still in college.”

Kurt takes a sip of coffee, which is when the words slip out of Blaine’s mouth as easily and as truthfully as they had five years earlier.  “I love you,” Blaine says simply.  “Marry me.”

There’s a beat of silence before Kurt sputters, coffee spewing violently back out of his mouth.  “Oh my god!” Kurt exclaims, eyes going wide, and then he’s dissolving into a fit of hacking coughs that probably has something to do with his aborted attempts at drinking his coffee.

And that’s when Blaine’s brain catches up to his heart. “Wait, no, no, no!” he cries.  He’s been he’s been on the verge of asking Kurt to marry him for the better part of three years and he always thought he’d have a bit more decorum than this while asking.

“No...?” Kurt echoes, vague hurt creeping into his voice.

“No! I mean, yes! I mean...” Blaine trails off and sighs. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean to propose to you like that,” Blaine admits quietly, eyes on the table below him. “I’ve had all these plans Kurt, because you deserve to be swept off your feet it’s just that...you’re so amazing and passionate I couldn’t help but-”

“Yes.” Kurt interrupts.

“What?” Blaine asks, head jerking up.  Kurt’s beaming and his eyes are bright.

“I said yes, you idiot, of course I’ll marry you.”

And then Blaine’s standing up and crowding into Kurt’s space, or maybe Kurt’s standing up and crowding into his, but regardless, as they collide together they stumble back against the countertop, hands fisting at each other as they embrace, lips meeting messily.  Blaine can’t stop smiling and he thinks Kurt may be crying, but to Blaine it may be their most perfect make out session ever.  They break apart a few frenzied kisses later with Kurt pressed back against the counter.  His hands are looped around Blaine’s neck, Blaine’s hands gripping onto Kurt’s waist, and they rest their foreheads together as they attempt to catch their breath.  

“One of these days,” Kurt whispers warmly into the scant few inches between their lips “you’re going to stop springing these types of things on me while I’m drinking coffee.”

It’s not the sort of comment that warrants a response, which is good, because Blaine isn’t in a mental state to give one.  In lieu of answer, Blaine presses himself even closer into Kurt, shifting a thigh into between his, and seals his lips back over Kurt’s. He has a theory he wants to test out so he sets to it.  

And, when they surface for air two hours later, he’s pleased to see that his hypothesis was correct: engaged sex is even better than normal sex.

*

It’s only once the haze of proposal fueled euphoria is clear, after calling and shrieking into the phone at everyone they love with varying amounts of giddiness about their upcoming nuptials, that Kurt and Blaine realize just how much planning they have to do.  

Even Kurt, the consummate professional, the man who was able to throw together a musical wedding ceremony for his father and Carole in only two weeks, is stressed.  This is mostly because Kurt has mentally planned their wedding in so many different extensively detailed ways, that making the wedding of their (his) dreams happen is proving to be difficult.

There’s also the fact that their wedding day is rapidly approaching them.   Had Blaine known Kurt would insist on getting married before Blaine starts his job as an assistant music teacher this September, his proposal would have happened months earlier. Blaine is okay with having an extended engagement, a position Kurt doesn’t share with him in the slightest. 

“I want us to start our lives post graduation as true adults,” Kurt comments when Blaine mentions his willingness to wait.  “I didn’t need this ring to prove to anybody that you’re my partner and soul mate but now that I have it, I want to make our commitment official as soon as I’m able to.”

“Besides,” Kurt adds later, offhandedly “both of our parents are much more amenable to funding our wedding since they also see it as a pseudo graduation present on your behalf.  Who knows how they’d feel after a few months of steady income?”

*

When Blaine returns home after a morning running errands and hears the Les Miserables movie soundtrack blasting through their apartment he knows something’s wrong.  Kurt loves Les Miserables but had felt spectacularly betrayed by the movie version of it (despite the fact that he cries every time they watch it).  There’s only one song he really loves from that movie, and Blaine has a feeling it has been playing on loop for a while.

He finds Kurt in their bedroom curled up into a ball under at least four layers of down comforters.  He’s clutching onto a pillow and hiccupping “for life has killed the dream I dreamed” into it while Anne Hathaway sings lyrics to match.  

Blaine toes off his shoes and crawls onto the side of the bed that Kurt does not inhabit.  He sidles up to him and presses his front against Kurt’s back, curling an arm around his stomach and lightly kissing the back of his neck.  It takes a moment for Kurt’s chest to stop hitching with sobs and for him to relax into Blaine’s embrace but he eventually does.

“Ready to talk now?” Blaine asks quietly, skimming a hand up Kurt’s chest, and Kurt nods into his pillow.  He reaches out and turns off their iHome with a click, which gives Blaine a chance to push a few excess comforters off their bed before Kurt is turning back into Blaine and latching onto him like a kid does a teddy bear. 

“What’s wrong sweetie?” Blaine asks again once it’s clear that Kurt isn’t going to talk without prompting.  “You were just fine when I left this morning.”

“That’s because this morning I hadn’t realized what an utter failure I am,” Kurt says into Blaine’s chest, a sound that is muffled only slightly by the cotton of his t-shirt.   

“That’s not true,” Blaine says as he presses a kiss to the top of Kurt’s head.  “You’re the most proficient person I know.”

“It is true Blaine,” Kurt says pulling back from Blaine’s chest, eyes wet and nose running. “I’m inept and an idiot to boot.”

“I take it this has something to do with the wedding?”

Kurt holds Blaine’s steady gaze for a second before crumpling back into his chest.  “I forgot all about our honeymoon!” Kurt wails.

“Oh Kurt,” Blaine says, wrapping his arms around his back, chuckling slightly at how perfectly dramatic his fiancé is.

“And I’m so beyond capable of planning it right now! I have no idea what to do,” Kurt continues.  “I was finally in a place with the wedding where I felt secure in my ability to make it spectacular, but if I have to plan a honeymoon on top of this everything is going to be a mess.”

“Well that at least explains the music.” Blaine quips.  Kurt pinches his side in retaliation.  “Sorry! Kidding! I’m just - mostly - kidding!”  

“I’m in no mood to joke Blaine Anderson,” Kurt says moodily.  “I’m having an existential crisis right now that either includes hiring a wedding planner or figuring out a way to mainline caffeine straight into my veins.  And your cheeriness is not helping!”

Blaine bites the inside of his cheek to assuage the completely inappropriate laughter threatening to escape him. “Kurt,” he says carefully a beat later, “what if I took care of the honeymoon planning?”

Kurt pulls back from his spot on Blaine’s chest again and if Blaine hadn’t been witness to Kurt’s complete devastation he’d be mildly insulted by the look of utter surprise Kurt is giving him. 

“You would do that?”

Blaine brushes a strand of Kurt’s hair off his forehead and leans down to press a chaste kiss on his lips.  “But of course.”

And the truth is, Blaine has been feeling slightly useless since his graduation the week prior.  It’s not that Blaine has decided that the onus of wedding planning is going to fall on Kurt over the past month or so, it’s more that Kurt has made it clear from the get go that maintaining creative control over the wedding is what will keep him mostly sane and functioning until their big day.  And it’s not like Kurt doesn’t want Blaine’s input, because he does.  He often asks for it as he’s putting together their color scheme or choosing the flavor for their cake.  But Blaine has been studying the behaviors of children for the past four years, and Kurt got a Minor in set design from NYADA and worked at Vogue.com for four years - he’s the consummate event planner.  

Kurt watches him intently for a few moments, as if gaging how serious he is about his answer.  Eventually a smile steals over his face and he pushes Blaine onto his back. He swings a leg over Blaine’s thighs and settles into a straddle atop Blaine’s lap. “Thank you,” he says and then leans down to kiss him, pressing himself heavily down against Blaine’s chest, and if this is the reaction Blaine gets for being gracious to Kurt his idea to spend the rest of his life with him is even more genius than he’d thought it would be.

“You’re very welcome,” Blaine says huskily.

And with a lascivious grin, Kurt elects not to use words anymore, choosing to use actions instead to express his gratitude.

It’s only once the sex haze clears that Blaine realizes he has no idea how to plan the epic romantic honeymoon of their dreams.

A low level feeling of panic settles in his chest.

* 

There are a lot of things Blaine realizes in hindsight.  The first is to never try to reason with his husband as two random sailors are slathering him down with shaving cream and soap because he will not be responsive to logic (though he knows this lesson is oddly specific and one he hopes to never be in a situation to relearn). The second one is much more generally applicable and one he supposes he should have learned for his own good a long time ago: Don’t trust Cooper Anderson when he offers you his help.

Cooper is in New York for the summer working at a comedy club attempting to be on par with Second City.  Blaine is as surprised as anybody that he not only got but also kept a job at a comedy and improv club, but Cooper has found real success there.  The critics have lauded him as a “highly introspective actor dedicated to the use of comedic irony to both enhance his performance while also giving voice to the constructed farce that is theatre” because they don’t realize that Cooper’s not actually in on whatever joke they think he’s telling.  Still, it brings in the money and keeps Cooper busy so Blaine can’t complain.  It also comes in handy when, with only a month until their wedding, Blaine still has no idea where they should go on their honeymoon.  They meet at a small cafe during Cooper’s lunch break, and Blaine takes the time to air his worries.

“The real problem, Coop, is that Kurt is a practice in contradictions.  One of his dream cities to visit is Paris, but he doesn’t want to visit France until money isn’t a limiting factor for us, which it may always be.  He’s fascinated by Brazilian fashion, but what’s the point of going to Brazil if you don’t visit their beaches, and Kurt’s so fair he’d have to slather on sunscreen every half-hour.  Niagara falls is an old standby but is it too overdone at this point?  I want our honeymoon to be as unique and incredible as he is.”

Cooper nods solemnly.  “Hmmmm,” he responds.

“And there’s only a month left!  A month.  I’m at my wits end and I refuse to bother Kurt with this because he’s ridiculously stressed right now planning our actual wedding.”

“I see, I see,” Cooper says, still nodding gravely.

“He trusted me with this, you know, and I don’t want to disappoint him.  Besides, I’m 22 years old.  I should be more than capable of planning a vacation at this point.  You’d think after graduating with honors from NYU I’d have learned the sort of skills that are applicable to the real world by now but - Cooper, why are you still nodding like that?!”

Cooper dips his chin down low, almost to his chest and says, sagely, “sounds like a personal problem to me,” before raising his head up again, and now Blaine is about over it.

“Coop!  Stop nodding at me right now or I’m leaving.”

Cooper stills his head and breaks out into a wide grin.  “Did you like my social worker character?” he asks Blaine eagerly.  “I’m auditioning for a play soon and I’ve been practicing portraying concern.”

“For the millionth time Cooper, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t treat our time together like an acting class.” Blaine huffs.  “Especially because the concern you feel for my situation shouldn’t have to be manufactured!”

“I don’t even see what the problem is Blainey,” he says as he takes a large bite of his sandwich.  “You are gay right?” he asks through a mouthful of ham and cheese, “this sort of thing should come naturally to you.”

“Wow, way to stereotype Coop.  And close your mouth while chewing your food.” 

Cooper swallows his food, only to shove another bite into his mouth.  “I’m sorry,” he says obnoxiously as he masticates around a mouthful of sandwich.  “Am I bothering you?”

“You’re worse than Santana.”

Cooper rolls his eyes at Blaine, but dutifully finishes eating before he speaks again.  “Yeah?  I’m worse than Santana am I?  Even though I’m about to solve all your problems and Santana would probably send you on a honeymoon to the Castro?”

“She suggested we go to a Fire Island White Party actually.”

“Well that sounds like an awesome plan! I’ve been trying to score an invite to one of those for years.”

“So has Santana,” Blaine quips.  He then narrows his eyes at his brother.  “Why would you even want to go to a White Party Cooper?  You’re not gay!”

“Everyone’s a little bit gay in show business.”

Blaine shakes his head violently; he refuses to get sucked down that tangential rabbit hole. “Whatever, Coop! That’s beside the point.  What did you mean before?  When you said you could solve my problems?”

“Oh yeah,” Cooper says brightly. “I’ve totally got the solution to your Honeymoon crisis.  One of my coworkers Jimmy just came back from the vacation of his dreams last week and hasn’t shut up about it since.   It’s actually pretty annoying.  But it seems like the sort of thing Kurt might like.” 

“What was the vacation?”  Blaine asks anxiously.  He’s desperate at this point – as evidenced by the fact that he’s asking for Cooper’s help.

“Him and his wife chartered a boat off the coast of Spain,” says Cooper.  “They traveled from Barcelona to the Costa del Sol, stopping at various cities of their choosing each day to experience the mainland.  The crew was willing to work days or nights, depending on where the two of them wanted to go, and would sometimes motor from one location to another while the couple was sleeping.”

Blaine sighs. “Kurt’s not really a boat person Cooper,” he points out. 

“Yeah, well neither was Jimmy’s wife.   But everybody is a yacht person,” Cooper says, leaning in with his eyes wide.

“A yacht?” Blaine echoes.

“Yeah.”

“Well that sounds amazing Coop, but chartering a yacht is really not within our budget.”

“Awww Blainey,” Cooper says cloyingly and Blaine just barely restrains the urge to kick him under the table.  “We’re not talking a Kanye West cruise sized yacht - this one is much smaller and environmentally friendly.” 

It’s a tempting offer, and Blaine’s pretty sure jet-setting around the Mediterranean is number 28 on Kurt’s bucket list.  That doesn’t mean he’s without his hesitations though.  “I don’t know, that still sounds pretty expensive to me.”

“Obviously I can get you a discount!” 

“Really?”

“Of course!” Cooper shouts cheerily and much too loudly for the establishment they’re in.  Blaine is going to have to tip well.  “Jimmy’s really close to the Captain and he’s one of my few co-workers who doesn’t irrationally hate me for all my success.”  Blaine’s fairly certain most of Coopers co-workers hate him for other likely extremely valid reasons, but doesn’t say so.  “I’ll ask him for you.” 

“You would do that for me?”  And maybe it’s wrong, but Blaine is touched.  Cooper is a good big brother but he’s frightfully narcissistic.  Blaine’s surprised that he’s extending this offer to him instead of taking it for himself. 

“Duh!”  Cooper scoffs.  “It’s so not a problem.  I’m your big brother Blaine, you should trust me to take care of you.” 

If there was a moment when Blaine should have realized trusting Cooper with their honeymoon was a bad idea, this was it. 

After weeks of last minute wedding planning with Kurt, however, Blaine isn’t mentally completely in the game.  He’s been frazzled and emotionally fragile, attempting to plan their Honeymoon while keeping Kurt supported and he’s had nobody to turn to; their friend group has been feuding for the past two weeks over who gets to stand in what position in their wedding party and with which groom, not bothered by the fact that that isn’t their right to decide in the slightest. 

Which is why finds himself nodding at Cooper, saying, “all right Cooper, give it a shot,” before he really registers what’s happening.

“Great!”  Cooper says, beaming.  “I’ll send you a link to this yacht companies website, and if you send me back a tentative itinerary in the next few days I’ll take care of the reservations.  You can focus on helping Kurt plan your dream wedding, and I’ll focus on this, okay?”

“Are you sure you don’t need more help with the logistical stuff?”

“Nah,” Cooper says shaking his head.  “Don’t worry about it.  I used to be an auctioneer in college remember?  I’m good at finagling good deals.  Now around what price ranges are you looking at for this honeymoon again?”

*

A few days after he meets with Cooper for lunch, he gets a follow up text.

Cooper: Good news baby brother!  I talked to both Jimmy and then the Captain of the boat he chartered, and they have an opening!  And because I am the Best Big Brother Ever (caps necessary) I even got you a discount.

Blaine:  Why do I feel like you had to murder somebody to make this happen?  You actually got us a reservation?

Cooper:  Don’t sound so surprised Blaine, I am a man of influence.  

Blaine:  #49 on New York Magazine’s list of 50 best looking comedians does not make you a man of influence Coop, how many times do I have to tell you that?

Cooper: It’s understandable that you’re jealous about that Blaine.

Blaine:  Coop, I’m not even a comedian!  I’m a music teacher.

Cooper:  Excuses are the sign of a weak individual, and probably the reason you weren’t voted onto New York Magazine’s list of 50 best looking music teachers.

Blaine:  That doesn’t even exist.

Cooper:  There you go again with your excuses!

Cooper: Also, I’m emailing you the reservation info. right now.  Vaya a España mi hermanito!

Blaine:  Thanks Cooper.

Cooper: Anything for you little brother.

*

To say Blaine is nervous when he and Kurt step off the plane in Barcelona’s El-Prat airport is a major understatement.

Blaine is terrified.   

Their wedding had been a truly spectacular affair.  The never ending fitting appointments and cake tastings and on-site appraisals of wedding venues had been more than worth it - it had been the wedding of their dreams and then some, and it had set the bar ridiculously high.

Blaine doesn’t want to do anything to lower it.

Cooper had promised that a driver would be waiting for them once they got through customs and once Blaine sees a Spanish man in a bespoke suit carrying a sign saying ‘Anderson-Hummel’ he lets out an exhale; at the very least, they’re able to get to the harbor.  

What happens once they got there remains to be seen.

While in transit, Blaine finally fills Kurt in on the details of their honeymoon.  As a gift of sorts to Kurt, Blaine had decided to keep most of the travel details from Kurt until the very last minute.  Kurt already knows the barebones of their vacation, two weeks of traveling around Spain, but he doesn’t yet know their method of travel.  That’s the detail Blaine’s most nervous about.  Both because he’s not sure if this sort of thing is something Kurt will enjoy and also because these reservations were made through Cooper.  Cooper, who had once forgotten to pay his rent for three months and was nearly evicted.  

Kurt is ecstatic about Blaine’s plan, however, and insists Blaine hand over the itinerary.  “This is amazing Blaine,” Kurt says as he pours their trip details, rifling through the papers from Blaine’s trip file folder.  “I’ve always wanted to be an international jet-setter.  I feel like Grace Kelly!”  He leans over and presses a lingering kiss to Blaine’s lips.  Blaine’s stomach bubbles up in joy.  “I don’t know how you did this, let alone afforded it on our budget, but I’m so very happy you did.”

Blaine purposefully leaves out Cooper’s involvement in securing the reservations.   He feels it’s probably for the best.

*

After they pull up to Llafranc Harbor and are led by their driver to the boat they have chartered, Blaine finds himself with an armful of Kurt, who has nearly tackled him in excitement.

“This yacht is incredible Blaine,” he says after he pulls back.  “You’ve really outdone yourself this time.”

Kurt is not wrong; the boat - named the Santa Maria - is magnificent.  It has three levels and a bow that doubles as a sundeck, perfect for lounging out on a blanket or towel when Blaine wants to tan during the day, or for a romantic view at night as they’re drifting slowly in the calm Mediterranean seas.  Kurt and Blaine sleep in the biggest bedroom on the lower level, with the captain (Luis Flores) and crew (Hector and Layana) splitting two smaller ones.  They share a bathroom between the five of them and though Blaine at first worries this will fray Kurt’s nerves he doesn’t seem bothered by the arrangement at all.  On the middle level they have a small kitchen and dining room set up, with a fridge fully stocked with more food, wine, and champagne than they could go through in a month.  The top level is a smaller open air seating area that has a speaker system built into it.  One night, after they’ve had just a tad too much champagne Kurt commandeers it and has them put on a variety show for their amused crew.

They spend a few days near Barcelona along the Costa Brava, taking excursions to various villages and hidden coves, their captain spiriting them away to his most recommended locations.

(“For friends of señior Jimmy and his esposa, I give my best!” Luis says to them at the beginning of the second day, and Blaine is glad that the words don’t register with a pre-caffeinated Kurt.)

From Barcelona, they continue to Costa Dorada, Costa Azahar, and Cost Valencia, taking day trips onto the mainland, to see places like Saint Mary’s Cathedral, with architecture so beautiful that Kurt doesn’t mind the religious aspect of it all.  They visit Costa de Almeria for two days to explore Cabo de Gata national park.  They spend a good chunk of the trip sailing around the Balearic Islands, stopping in Majorca, Menorca, Ibiza, and Formentera.  Their penultimate stop is to La Palma of the Canary Islands to explore the Caldera de Taburiente.  Their last few days are spent near Costa del Sol where they explore the nightlife of Malaga; and on their last night out they manage to get into a bar much above their pay grade but the prices are worth it after they get seated at a table next to Javier Bardem and his manager.

(Blaine advocates for not-saying-a-word-and-silently-freaking-out-that-they-were-seated-next-to-an-Academy-Award-winner-and-wouldn’t-this-make-a-great-story-someday-Kurt-but-it-won’t-if-we’re-thrown-out-of-this-bar-because-we-were-harassing-a-celebrity but Kurt pays him no mind.  It’s his last night in Spain and he’s on his forth strawberry margarita.  In a move that Kurt probably thinks is smooth but gives Blaine flashbacks to Kurt’s overtures in a warehouse singing Animal, Kurt leans over precariously into Javier’s space and says “Penelope couldn’t join you tonight?”

To Blaine’s utter surprise Javier is primarily bemused.  “No,” he says, the word rolling off his tongue in a nearly obscene way.  “She’s filming a movie right now in the States.  But I’ll tell her you said hello.”)

For the first thirteen days of their trip, then, they live in the sort of luxury that Blaine could easily get used to.   

Their last day, however, is a much different story.

*

They’re meant to spend their last afternoon relaxing off the coast of Costa del Sol, before docking at the marina in Benalmadena and driving to the airport in Malaga.  

The weather is gorgeous, the water a sparkling cerulean that strikes Blaine as poetic since the color of the water matches the color of Kurt’s eyes on a clear sunny day.  Blaine opts to spend his last few hours in the sun, soaking up as much vitamin D as possible.  Kurt even joins him for a while and when he asks Blaine for his help to carefully reapply sunscreen each half hour, Blaine doesn’t complain.  Sure, it’s excessive even for Kurt but Kurt’s not really asking because he’s worried he’s going to burn - he’s looking for an excuse to get Blaine’s hands all over his body.  

After a couple hours though, Kurt gets overheated.  “I’m going to go for one last dip, kay?” Kurt says and Blaine nods lazily.  A few minutes later he hears a whoop and then a splash as Kurt’s body hits the water, and smiles to himself.  He’s glad Kurt’s enjoyed their honeymoon so far.

As Blaine’s starting to doze off, hoping in the back of his mind that Kurt reboards the boat and wakes him up before he starts to burn too badly, he hears a piercing scream that makes him jolt upright.  Disoriented, the tenor of the scream sounds initially like Layana, until Blaine hears it again.  

And then realizes the person who is screaming is Kurt.

It’s the worst, most terrifying sound Blaine has ever heard in his life.

Blaine scrambles to his feet and runs towards the stern of the boat, heart pounding painfully in his chest.  As he gets closer, the screams morph into more discernable shouts - still incredibly concerning, but a bit more understandable.  

“Get them off, get them off, get them off, GET THEM THE FUCK OFF OF ME!” Kurt is yelling.  Finally Blaine spots him about twenty yards off the boat on the port side, half treading water half flailing his arms furiously about.  So focused is he on making sure Kurt is in one piece that it takes him a second to register what’s happening in the water surrounding Kurt - and in the water surrounding the whole boat as well.   

Like mutated, gelatinous air bubbles, floating and wobbling just below the surface, there are spots of purple bobbing amongst the light blue water.  In a concentrated area surrounding them, there are dozens upon dozens of jellyfish.

Blaine understands why Kurt is screaming.

“Somebody help him!” Blaine yells when he finds his voice again, Kurt splashing fruitlessly at the creatures surrounding him in abject terror.  “Kurt, swim to the boat!”  He yells again, but it’s no use - Kurt obviously isn’t listening to him.  

Just as Blaine is about to take a running jump into the water to try, at the very least, to get Kurt back on the boat Hector appears and catches him around the middle.  

“No Blaine,” he says seriously.  “Let me do this.”  Hector pulls a towrope out from under one of the seats lining the stern, and throws it easily to Kurt.

“Kurt!” He yells.  “Grab on to the rope and we’ll pull you in.”

Kurt clings to the attachment and Hector begins to tow him in.  Layana comes skidding down the stairs a few moments later and stares in horror at Kurt’s predicament, Luis emerging next to Blaine a second after. 

Luis, for his part, looks unperturbed.  “Ah,” he says.  “A jellyfish bloom.”   

Flabbergasted, Blaine turns to him.  “A what?”

“A jellyfish bloom.”  Luis repeats.  He looks quizzically over at Blaine.  “You’ve never heard of them?”

“No!” Blaine exclaims.  Blaine is an elementary music teacher, for god sakes - marine biology is not his forte.

“Oh dear,” is all Luis says, until Hector finishes towing Kurt back to the boat and lifts him easily from the water.

“Kurt!” Blaine rushes over to him, throwing his arms around him in relief.  “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Get off of me!” Kurt cries, shoving Blaine away, and Blaine is confused until he sees angry red marks dotting his legs, his chest, and even parts of his neck.  

“Jellyfish stings,” he says breathlessly, as Kurt collapses onto one of the seats lining the side of the boat.  

“You don’t say,” Kurt says through gritted teeth, and Blaine can tell he’s trying not to cry. “I feel like I’ve been electrocuted.”  

“Out of my way,” Luis says, pushing Blaine gently aside to examine Kurt.  When Blaine begins to protest, he cuts him off sharply.  “I am much more familiar with Jellyfish stings than you are Blaine.  Please let me assess the situation.”  He focuses his attention back to Kurt. “Kurt, have you ever been stung by a Jellyfish before?” 

“Once,” Kurt hisses, “when I was little.  We took a family vacation to Virginia Beach.”

“And were you allergic then?”

“No,” Kurt grits out.

“Good, good,” he says absently, rubbing Kurt’s arm gently.  “We’ll still have to treat these stings, but you should be okay soon.”

“What do we need to do to treat them?” Blaine asks anxiously.

“What you need to do Blaine is sit down and comfort your husband.  What we need to do is find some products that will minimize the pain.   Layana - llena a bucket with seawater, and wash Kurt’s stings.  Hector, busca some soap and shaving cream and the vinegar from the first aid.  After his skin is rinsed off, applying the vinegar and then the soap and shaving cream to the places he’s irritated.  I’m going to radio the hospital in Malaga and make sure they know we’re coming.”

Luis strides below deck ostensibly to contact a Doctor in Malaga as Hector and Layana rush to gather up the necessary supplies.  Blaine gingerly intertwines his hands with Kurt’s and Kurt clutches back fiercely.  

“I’m sorry,” Blaine says softly, drawing Kurt’s attention back to him instead of out into the water where the jellyfish are still floating. 

“It’s okay,” Kurt says sniffling around tears that are just starting to fall, and Blaine has never wanted to hold him in his arms more. 

It isn’t until Hector and Layana have returned, and started gently rinsing at the stings on Kurt’s body with warm salt water, that Blaine lets go of Kurt’s hand.  As he leaves, he places a kiss against Kurt’s palm.  He then follows the path Luis had taken a few minutes prior, allowing the anger to overtake the concern blooming in his chest.

*

He storms into the captain’s room, not bothering to knock.

“What the hell was that?” He says, just barely restraining himself from yelling.  The boat is big but it’s not that big, and he doesn’t want to distress Kurt any further.

“Like I said,” Luis answers calmly, back to Blaine as he fiddles with a radio dial,  “that was a jellyfish bloom.”

“You already mentioned that,” Blaine spits out.  “What I meant to ask is why you never warned us about the potentiality for hundreds of jellyfish to appear out of nowhere and attack my husband.”

“But I did Blaine,” Luis responds, finally swiveling in his chair to face him. 

“No you didn’t!” Blaine exclaims.  “I went through your entire company website dozens of times.  I was careful to make sure to read everything.  And there were no mentions of a jellyfish blooms anywhere to be found.”  

Luis sighs.  “That’s because we usually don’t take a crew out near el Costa del Sol during the last two weeks of August, for that very reason.” 

“For what very reason?”

“Jellyfish blooms,” Luis says, exasperated.  “Look, for the past half decade or so since the summer of 2012, during the last few weeks of August, the Pelagia noctiluca jellyfish have been plaguing the waters around here.  No one’s sure why, but expert scientists say global warming has altered the ocean currents slightly in the Mediterranean, causing the nutrients these jellyfish eat to situate here.”

If the explanation is meant to make Blaine feel better, it’s not really working “Then why in the world did you agree to hosting our honeymoon?!”

“Because the man on the phone who booked your reservations was very insistent!” Luis says, rising from his chair and throwing his hands up in frustration.  “He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and he was a friend of Jimmy’s! I finally agreed because I thought maybe you were the type of tourists who wanted a chance to see the Jellyfish - some people do.”

A low level feeling of dread fills the pit of Blaine’s stomach.  “Wait, so Cooper knew about this?”

“Cooper?”

“My brother,” Blaine answers.  “The one who made reservations for me.”

“Oh yes, his name was Cooper!” Luis says with an inclination of his head.  “Yes, I told him in great length about this phenomenon.  But he assured me that wouldn’t matter.  It’s part of the reason this trip was so much cheaper than it usually is.”

(And for days leading up to Kurt and his wedding Cooper had never wasted a moment in reminding Blaine that “I’m so much more awesome at you than planning honeymoons!  D’you think if acting doesn’t work out, I should become a travel agent?)

“I’m going to kill him,” Blaine says.

“Who?” Luis asks, startled.

“Cooper.”

“Tu hermano?” he queries.  “Why?”

“Because I believe you,” Blaine tells Luis simply, who continues to peer quizzically at Blaine.  “You definitely told Cooper about these Jellyfish.  But Cooper?  Never told us.” 

Luis brings a hand to his mouth.  “Ay dios mio,” he breathes.   

“God has nothing to do with it,” Blaine says lowly.  He clenches his fist.  “Cooper just better hope I get my hands on him before Kurt does.”

*

After taking a minute to center himself with a few rounds of yoga breathing, Blaine walks back out to the deck to see Kurt getting slathered down with vinegar, shaving cream, and soapsuds.  Kurt is wincing in pain, but at least he’s stopped crying.  

“Are you okay?”  Blaine asks cautiously as he approaches his husband.

Kurt glances over at him, “I feel a little less like dying right now, yes.”

Blaine watches helplessly as Layana and Hector apply their combination of vinegar-shaving cream-and-soup to Kurt’s body and scrape the remnants of tentacles off of Kurt’s skin.  A part of Blaine is really angry with Cooper for this, but he’s even angrier with himself.  He thought he’d done enough research for the trip but obviously he hadn’t, and the oversight had brought Kurt pain.

He also feels wretched that their Honeymoon (and Kurt’s skin) is now marred by this event.  Kurt trusted him to plan their dream vacation and for the most part he had done so.   So anxious is he to make Kurt feel better, and to keep Kurt’s spirits up, that he finds himself speaking again, common sense flying clean out the window.  

“I know this really sucks right now Kurt, but at least you’ll be better soon.”  Kurt grimaces at him in a way Blaine thinks is an attempt at a smile.  “And you know what?” Blaine continues, “all things considered, this day could have gone much worse.”

The moment it leaves Blaine’s lips, he knows it’s the wrong thing to say.   Kurt goes completely still and Hector lets out a low whistle from beside him.  Layana shakes her head at him sadly, and he can tell she’s attempting not to laugh at him.  Kurt’s eyes flick to Blaine’s and he shoots him a look that would bring Gordon Ramsey [ 4] crying to his feet.

“Blaine,” Kurt says deceptively calm “I am about three seconds from throwing you overboard right now.”  Blaine winces and wishes, wildly, that Brittany had actually completed that time machine she’s been talking about for all these years.  “Since I’m not ready to be a widower yet,” Kurt resumes “I’d suggest you go make sure our things are packed, and stay out of my sight until we’re docking at the marina.”

Blaine doesn’t need to be asked twice. 

*

They arrive at the marina half an hour later and decide to take Kurt to the hospital in Malaga just to be safe.

Kurt is sharp as he stiffly says goodbye to the crew of the Santa Maria, because he has no idea that Luis and his staff hadn’t forgotten to warn them about the potential for a Jellyfish bloom, that Cooper is the one who had completely let it slip his mind.   Though he doesn’t want to, he has to admit to Kurt the truth.   It’s not fair to the people who had made the majority of their honeymoon such a major success.

“Kurt,” he says softly.  “Luis and his crew aren’t to blame for what happened today.”

“Of course they weren’t directly responsible for a freakish feat of nature, but still, some warning might have been nice.”

And Blaine has survived a sex talk with Burt Hummel and performed in front of thousands of people at Nationals.  He just has to get over himself and tell Kurt the truth.  “Kurt,” Blaine says, “Luis did warn us this might happen.  Or at least,” Blaine concedes, “he warned the person who booked our reservation that it was a possibility.”

Kurt’s lips disappear into a thin line.  “Which was you, right Blaine?” he bites out.

Blaine wonders if it’s too late to throw himself overboard.  “Well, technically, an Anderson did book the reservation.”

And Blaine’s zero for two, as Kurt’s eyes widen in realization.  “Cooper? You let Cooper book our honeymoon reservation?!” Kurt screeches angrily. 

“Kurt if you’ll just let me explain - ”

But he’s not having it.  He shakes his head and holds up a hand to Blaine.  Instead, Kurt turns to the crewmembers that are not even pretending they’re not eavesdropping.  “Thank you,” he says, ignoring Blaine, “for being so amazing this whole trip.  I’m sorry that you had to scrape jellyfish tentacles off my body and suffer through me screaming like a little girl.   I don’t hold any of this against you.”  He crosses his arms and glances fleetingly at Blaine.  “Blaine is going to tip you now,” he says gesturing a hand in his direction, “and I am going to leave and find our car before I do something I might regret.”  

He turns on his heel and leaves, flouncing out in a way that would make Santana and Rachel very proud. 

“It’s okay querido,” Luis lays a hand on Blaine’s shoulder as he sadly watches Kurt leave.  “I can tell your love is strong.  He’ll forgive you soon enough.”  Blaine desperately hopes so.  “Besides,” he says “we didn’t have to inject him with any anti-venom to counter an allergic reaction, so all things considered, it could have been much worse.” 

Blaine whiles around to face Luis.  “That’s what I said!”  

Off to his right Layana snorts. “Sí.  That is exactly what he said, and he said it exactly like that right to Kurt’s face while we were rubbing shaving cream into his chest.”

“En serio Blaine?” Luis asks.  Blaine nods sadly.  “Chico, I take back what I said,” he says with a chuckle.  “Your love will keep your marriage true.  But only some major ass kissing will get you back in his good graces.”

*

After examining Kurt’s stings and bandaging up the rawest ones, the Doctor gives Kurt a clean bill of health.  He sends them on their way with some tips at minimizing irritation, a bottle of 400mg strength Advil, and antibiotic ointment, wishing them the best in their future marriage.  

When they get to the airport Blaine purchases a calling card to contact his Mom and asks her if he can use his parents American Airlines rewards number to upgrade their seats to first class.  This is in part because he wants to make Kurt as comfortable as possible, and in part because he’s afraid that a seven-hour flight in crowded coach seats will only serve to traumatize whomever is unfortunate enough to cross Kurt’s path.  He feels like he should spare the flight attendants for something that isn’t their fault. 

After he’s apologized to Kurt for the 427th time (exactly - he knows because he counted) with no response except silence, Kurt turns to him and says “if you ever want to have sex with me again, you will leave me alone for at least the next eight hours.  I’m attempting to plot Cooper’s murder in the most inconspicuous way possible and I need to be in the right brain space for that, which cannot happen if you don’t stay quiet.”

On the flight back to New York Kurt pops an Advil once every other hour, and only leaves one flight attendant in tears.  Halfway through the flight he dozes off for a few hours, his head resting on Blaine’s shoulder.

And all things considered, Blaine counts this as a success.

Over time Kurt forgives Blaine.  

(It takes Blaine buying a dozen of Kurt’s favorite vegan cheesecakes before Kurt will talk to him for an extended period of time again.  It takes Blaine acquiring a bootleg of Barbra Streisand’s Kismet Album before Kurt will kiss him again.  It takes an extremely pricey session at a fancy Spa in New York that Kurt has been drooling over for years before Kurt will have sex with him again; though Kurt says that’s mostly because “having sex while rocking a skin rash is so not my idea of sexy.”)

(Kurt later admits that he’d decided to forgive Blaine sometime around his 300th apology all the way back in Spain, but had decided to hold off on telling Blaine for a few weeks because “I have standards, okay Blaine?  And I’ll admit, I think a little groveling on your part was more than warranted.”)

Kurt doesn’t understand why Blaine had thought trusting Cooper to finalize the travel reservations was a good idea, nor why warning bells hadn’t gone off in his head when the overall prize for the trip was so much less than initially expected, but concedes that “everyone has done something ridiculous at the behest of their family member.  Heaven knows I haven’t always made the smartest choices when it comes to my brother.”

Blaine wisely refrains from bringing up Kurt’s ill-advised crush on Finn.  He recognizes an Olive Branch when he sees one.

Cooper isn’t allowed back in Kurt’s presence again for half a year, which Blaine tries not to be too (visibly) giddy about, though part of him can’t help it - his seventeen-year-old self does a jig the whole time Cooper is banned from their apartment.  Kurt only deigns to have Cooper in his presence after he somehow gets his hands on a personalized autograph from Adam Lambert for Kurt.

Blaine settles into his teaching career as Kurt breaks into a supporting Off-Broadway role and while they’re often exhausted and trepidation about the future, they’re altogether happy.  Marriage is difficult, even for two people as in love as Kurt and Blaine are, but they manage to make it work with as few speed bumps along the way as possible.  They’ve always been a unit, Kurt-and-Blaine since before they were even together in a romantic relationship, but as the years go by they learn how to become partners.  They learn how to make concessions to each other when necessary, even in situations where they have to step outside their comfort zones. 

There’s one thing that Kurt remains adamant about, however, for at least a decade into their marriage, which is as follows:

Blaine isn’t allowed to ever plan their vacations anymore.  

***

August 2^nd, 2027

Two and a half weeks before their tenth-year wedding anniversary, Kurt goes out of town for fourteen days.  

He’s scouting locations up and down the East Coast for a soon-to-be-touring Broadway play he’s helping produce, on a trip he scheduled purposefully during Blaine’s summer vacation.  There are times when Kurt loves the fact that Blaine is a music teacher and the fact that he gets a summer vacation is one of them.  Kurt is still loathe to part with Katie, who is just starting to transition into an adorably outspoken four year old, and Liz whose terrible twos are giving them a run for their money, but he feels less guilty about leaving since Blaine is free to play full-time dad.   

The night before Kurt leaves, as they linger in the afterglow, Kurt drapes himself over Blaine’s chest and nuzzles his nose into the dip of his collarbone.  He whispers, “can you believe that once I get back, we’ll have been married for nearly ten whole years?”

It isn’t that Blaine has forgotten about their anniversary because he hasn’t (he has the date programmed into his google calendar, set to remind him to make dinner reservations within the next few days); it’s more that he hasn’t cognitively realized that they’d been married for almost a decade, that he’s known Kurt for almost half of his life.

“That’s a big deal,” Blaine hears himself saying dumbly.

“It is,” Kurt agrees.  “By now most of the couples we know that got married right out of college either hate each other or have gotten divorced and are on their second marriage.”  It’s not true but Blaine doesn’t comment.  Kurt gets hyperbolic when he feels nostalgic.  “Thank god that’s not us. Personally, the stress of just our wedding is enough to last me a lifetime.  I’m glad we don’t have to go through that again.”

“Yeah,” Blaine echoes, his mind automatically rifling to the planning that went into the two weeks after their wedding. “Thank god.”

“Well goodnight,” Kurt chirps, humming into a tender kiss with Blaine.  “I have to get up early tomorrow, so I’m going to get some sleep.” 

Kurt drifts off to sleep quickly.  Blaine is not so lucky.

He’s not sure why he’s decided ten years after the fact to ruminate on their botched honeymoon again, especially since the fallout from it the first time had lasted half a year before being completely resolved, but as Kurt dozes next to him Blaine does just that.  

After ten years of marriage, of Kurt getting his first big break on Broadway, of Blaine getting an exclusive teaching position for a boys choir uptown, of moving out of their apartment and into a townhouse near central park, of Tony nominations and being invited by Isabelle to fashion week, of adopting children moving and making a home, Blaine knows he ought to be over his mistake by now.  Kurt certainly isn’t holding any grudges – in fact, the events of the last day of their Honeymoon is now one of his most frequent and well-received cocktail stories.  

And Kurt’s right, Blaine is very glad that they’re still together, that they’re not miserable, and they aren’t married to other people.

But a large part of Blaine wants to move past his Cooper sized mistake once and for all.

We may not have to plan another wedding ever again, Blaine thinks, the beginnings of a plan filling his head, but what’s to stop us from choosing to do so?

* 

The first person he goes to with his idea for a second honeymoon is Sam.  

Katie is on a play date with her best friend from preschool and once he gets Liz down for a nap he boots up his Xbox and logs onto his Halo Live account.  Kurt hates the fact that Blaine still plays video games, particularly one so very violent.  It’s why Blaine limits his gameplay to times when Kurt and their daughters aren’t around.  He only plays very rarely and he mostly plays as an excuse to catch up with Sam, who is currently working in Seattle as a chiropractor.  When he logs into the game as bowtieblanderson (a username courtesy of Santana that he’s yet to figure out how to change back) he slips his headset on and accepts an invitation to a campaign from doctorguppylips.

“Blaine!” Sam cheers as their Avatars materialize into the Battle Creek layout.  “What’s up!”

“Nothing much man.  Kurt left yesterday and I mostly don’t miss him yet.”

Sam chuckles in response. “Just as whipped as ever dude.  And the girls?” he prompts. “How are my adopted nieces doing?  Do they miss their Uncle Sammy?”

“They’re doing great. Liz is a handful, but in a way, her determination to reach tasmanian devil levels of destruction is a welcome distraction from the fact that Katie is going to be in Kindergarten this fall.”

“Shit, is Katie really almost five?  We’re getting old.”

“You’re telling me.  Soon we’ll reach the age where spending the afternoon playing video games will be more pathetic than idiosyncratic.”

“I’m not sure what that last word means, but dude, we hit that pathetic place a while back.  We’ve just stopped caring because it’s a game that brings us joy.”

They lapse into gameplay, the sounds of virtual destruction punctured every so often by strategy planning between Sam and Blaine and their frequent frustrated exclamations.  Blaine’s not playing at his best but Sam doesn’t mention it, probably because he thinks Blaine’s feeling sad now that Kurt’s out of town.

As Sam is setting up a stealth attack on one of the members of the Covenant, Blaine can’t hold it in any longer.   The words leave his mouth before he can stop himself.

“I’ve decided that to celebrate our tenth year wedding anniversary, I’m going to plan a secret second honeymoon for Kurt and me to take.”

On the screen Sam’s avatar jerks and fires a shot into the side of a random building instead of into their enemy, who then turns, alerted to their presence, and kills Sam’s player with ruthless efficiency.  

“Blaine, have you lost your mind?!” 

“No,” Blaine answers indignantly.  “My mental faculties are functioning fine at present.”

“Then you must have a death wish because you obviously didn’t learn your lesson the first time,” Sam says sadly, and Blaine can almost imagine him shaking his head sadly from across the country.

“Which is what?” Blaine asks defensively.

“That you shouldn’t plan a vacation without first consulting Kurt about it.”

“Kurt is not my keeper, Sam.”

“I know that, dude,” Sam says placatingly, “but the last time you planned a surprise Honeymoon, it turned into scene out of zombie island massacre.”

“I take offense to that statement, Sam,” and Blaine knows he sounds more like Katie when she’s gone too long without a nap than the adult he is but he doesn’t care – it’s only Sam.  “Sure,” he acquiesces, “the last day of our Honeymoon could have gone better, but for the thirteen days prior to that we were waited on hand and foot.  And what’s more, for god sakes, we got to schmooze at a nightclub with Javier Bardem!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that Spanish soccer player you always mention, whatever.”

“He’s an actor! An Academy Award winner!

“Whatever dude, so not important right now!  Haven’t you learned anything after what happened last time?”

“That was ten years ago. Sam!” Blaine exclaims.  “I’m a fully functioning adult with two children of my own, not counting the hundreds I’ve worked with over the years.  If I’m capable of getting fifth graders to give a damn about music theory, I think I’m capable planning a week long vacation for my husband and myself.”

“Blaine, I’m not doubting your abilities man!” And now Sam sounds upset, but he doesn’t back down.  “You’re one of the most responsible people I know and have been even since we were teenagers.  But people have strengths and weaknesses and this is obviously one of your weaknesses.”

“You plan one vacation where your husband gets emotionally and physically traumatized and you’re a pariah for the rest of your life!”

“I don’t know what pariah means either Blaine,” Sam responds, “but you gotta understand why I’m reacting like this!  I remember that you got married in the summer, so your anniversary is in what, a month?  That’s not enough time to plan something like this.”

“Two weeks,” Blaine corrects.

“What?”

“Our anniversary is in two weeks.”

“Two weeks, Blaine - do you even know where you’re going yet?”

Ever since the day before last when Kurt left for Boston, during every moment that hasn’t been spent watching his children, Blaine has been frantically googling vacation ideas that he can pull off in two weeks and that Kurt will enjoy.   He’d stumbled across a website the night before and for Kurt, who is sure to return from his business trip exhausted, he thinks it’ll be perfect.   

“We’re going to a health and relaxation Spa called Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Arizona,” Blaine answers.  “We’d be going for a week and it’s an all-inclusive Inn.  It’ll be seven days of straight up pampering and it has excellent reviews.”

“This is even worse than I thought,” Sam mutters into his headset.  “You sound like you already have reservations booked and everything.” 

“That’s because I do,” Blaine says, furrowing his brow. 

“Blaine, are you having a midlife crisis right now?”  Sam asks a moment later, confusion layering his voice.  “You know you don’t have to prove your love to Kurt right?”

“Sam, we’re only 32, so no, I’m not having an anything crisis.  And yes, I know I don’t have to prove my love my Kurt.  But you know what?  I want to.”  And that’s the truth of it all: he wants to and if he can pull it off he’s going to.   “We’ve been married for nearly a decade, we have two beautiful daughters, and we’re in a good place financially.  And Kurt is about to be producing a National Broadway tour.”

“So?” Sam asks.

“So I feel like Kurt and I are entering a new chapter of our life, Sam, and you know what?  I want to enter it the way we should have ten years ago.  With the best damn honeymoon my husband has ever seen.”

There’s silence on Sam’s end.

Blaine doesn’t wait for Sam to speak again. “Now can we get back to our game?” Blaine asks roughly.  “I’m fairly certain the Covenant has killed our players about a hundred times over by now, and I don’t have long before Liz wakes up from her nap.”

Sam sighs but he doesn’t press any further.  “Sure, dude.”

A few minutes of silent playing later, in a rush of static, Sam starts talking again.

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Blaine,” he says, and Blaine can’t find fault with Sam for that statement.

“Me too Sam.” He answers.  “Me too.”

*

Sam:  Remember that movie we watched that one time Blaine?  Called the Gay Bed and Breakfast?

Sam:  Well the people who visited that Inn also thought they were going on the vacation of their dreams, and ended up getting killed by a /mutant/

Sam:  (also they were gay like you and Kurt if you didn’t remember or realize fyi)

Sam:  I know you didn’t watch Supernatural for the plot, but even you have to admit that you’re not equipped to handle a mutant.

Blaine: You do know mutants aren’t real right?

Sam: That’s just what they want you to think.

* 

As Kurt’s go-to glamour girl and gossip partner, Blaine had been planning on calling Mercedes for her input on his honeymoon idea because he might know Kurt better than anybody else in most ways but Mercedes has him beat in certain others: namely, in figuring out the precise types of spa treatments Kurt prefers.

But after his conversation with Sam had taken a turn for the disastrous, he’s opted to send her an email outline of his plans instead.  He includes a schedule of events for the week they’ll be spending at the Ranch, as well as a link to the various Spa treatments available.  He asks her for advice on which types of wellness activities she thinks Kurt will like best

As a singer pushing a sophomore solo album that has been picking up some major critical buzz in Los Angeles lately, Mercedes is often plugged into her various social media sites.  He finalizes their plane tickets to Arizona as he waits for her response.  When he refreshes his email to print out the purchase confirmation from the airline, he sees that Mercedes has responded back as well.  Her email reads:

Blaine,

Boy you must be tripping right now. Did you set the kitchen on fire or spill food on Kurt’s favorite scarf again or what? I don’t understand what your angle is here but you do realize that Kurt’s forgiven you for what happened ten years ago right? In fact I don’t even think he was that mad to begin with, just severely creeped out by the swarm of creepy-crawlies he had to swim through.  What you’re doing is very sweet (not to mention pricey - damn Blaine, you are going hard for Kurt right now, you do realize he’s rocking your ring right?) but I’m afraid it might be a little misguided.  Why not plan an anniversary vacation together?

Why am I acting like you’re going to take my advice, you’re almost as stubborn as Kurt is, which I guess is a good thing, because otherwise you would’ve been walked all over by Santana, Kurt, and Rachel years ago.  Lord, sometimes y’all fools give me the worst type of stress.  All I’ll say is this: fortunately, this does seem like the sort of vacation that’d be right up Kurt’s alley, and if you want to book massages for the two of you I would recommend the body cocoon for Kurt.

Do not book his facials for him though.  Let him do that himself or risk his wrath.

Love you baby,

Mercedes.

* 

Sam:  It is often upwards of 116 degrees in parts of Arizona Blaine.

Sam: One time, after the air conditioner went out during the summer after junior year, Kurt almost pushed Finn down a flight of stairs, he was so pissed off.

Sam: True, Finn probably deserved it.  But idk Blaine, I don’t think Kurt reacts well in the heat.

Sam:  And it’s going to be pretty hot in Arizona.

Blaine: Nobody loves being super hot Sam

Blaine:  And if I remember correctly, Kurt has been tempted to push Finn down a flight of stairs in temperate weather before

Blaine: Also, I’ve lived with Kurt for thirteen years now.  I know how to deal with him when he’s overheated by now.

Blaine: And the forecasted high is 85 degrees.  I think we’ll be fine.

*

Blaine’s not sure why he chooses Santana to be the next person he talks to about his Honeymoon plans after getting a less than satisfactory responses from Sam and Mercedes, but when she invites him out to coffee the next day he accepts.  Blaine meets her at a coffee shop uptown near her apartment, trekking a fussy Liz with him on the subway.  

After chatting with her for a few minutes about the latest successful court case at Rosario & Lopez LLP (her) and Katie’s recent enrollment into a day camp that specializes in music and theatre (him) she slams back the last of her espresso and fixes him with a steely glare. 

“You’re acting about as nervous as Mitt Romney is around poor people right now and you obviously need some advice,” she says, eyes never wavering from his face.  “Luckily you have Auntie Tana here to help you out.  What’s on your mind there Blainers?  Need some advice on going at it solo now that your man is out of town?”

And Blaine’s known Santana for more than a decade at this point, so the lewdness of her comment barely registers.  In a way, she’s almost being sweet.  

“If you must know,” Blaine says, folding his hands primly on the table, “I’m planning on throwing Kurt a surprise anniversary Honeymoon next week and I’m a little tense at the moment because every single person I’ve talked to about it so far has reacted horribly.”  Liz chooses that moment to chuck her pacifier out of her stroller, and it’s only years of elementary school teacher reflexes that allows him to catch it.”  “I’m also watching the kids alone, and while I love them, you can see they don’t make for the most harmonious of head spaces.”

“You’re planning on taking Lady Anderson-Hummel on a surprise Honeymoon?” she asks, tilting her head at them.

“Yes,” he snaps back wearily, waiting for her reaction.   

She purses her lips.  “Well I think...that that sounds completely awesome.”

Blaine feels like he’s been punched in the face.  “Really?” he asks.

“Really,” she says with a shrug. “This is amazing.” 

“I’m so glad you understand,” Blaine says, pressing a hand to his chest.  “I was beginning to feel like everybody thought I was an idiot for trying to plan this without consulting Kurt first which, uh, sort of ruins the surprise part of surprise honeymoon.” 

“Oh I definitely think you’re off your rocker for trying to keep this a surprise, but since this’ll likely benefit me in the longer run I don’t care.” 

“What are you talking about Santana?”

“I’m glad you asked Blaine.”  She leans in punctuating the end of her sentence with a finger poke against his chest. “For the past ten years or so,” she says, weighing the time in wide, gesticulations of her hands, "I’ve been writing a screenplay based loosely on you two, centered around the trials and tribulations of Lars and David, star crossed lovers from a small Midwestern town set in the late 2000s.” 

Forget feeling like he’s been punched in the face: Blaine feels like a semi-truck has hit him.

She doesn’t seem phased by his open gaping.  “I changed your names, of course, and made your character Puerto Rican so that you two can’t sue for defamation of character or collect royalties once it’s released.”  Blaine’s sputters indignantly.   “Don’t look at me like that Blaine,” Santana says rolling her eyes.  “It’s meant as a compliment.  I’m sure your gooey baby fawn love story will make it big in your gay New York bourgeoisie circles, so really, you should be thanking me for being so considerate.”

“Santana, what in the world -”

“And If I ever get that first movie into production, the fallout from this Honeymoon will be good enough for me to pen another!”  She smiles over at him.  “So by all means Blaine, please continue planning for your Honeymoon disaster parte dos.  Because a cheap exploitative sequel to your first movie that will only detract from its overall story is sure to put loads of money into my pockets.” 

“I don’t even know where to start right now Santana, but why are you assuming that any Honeymoon I plan will be a failure?

She raises an eyebrow at him.  “Oh please Blaine.  This is just the way the world works.  Anyway, if it is a disaster, then I won’t be forced to make up things about your life to write about.  I’m sure it’ll still be crap but whatever.” 

“Santana-” 

“Not that I really care about what the critics think,” she continues, as if Blaine hadn’t said anything.  “If Mean Girls has a shitty sequel, so should Somewhere Only We Know.” 

“Somewhere only what?”

“That’s the working title,” Santana says cheerily.  “Pretty catchy if I do say so myself.”  She then pulls her phone out of her bra and glances at it.  “Carajo!” she exclaims. “I’m late for my meeting with our next client.  Nina’s gonna flip if I’m not there soon.”

“Santana,” Blaine tries again but she’s already gathering up her things.  

“Bye Blaine,” she says as she swoops down and smacks a kiss against his cheek.  “Bye querida,” she addresses this a Liz as she tickles her belly.   “Call me later if you need any help planning the Anderson-Hummel Honeymoon Trainwreck Extravaganza Part Two!” she yells to him as she sweeps out of the coffee shop, leaving Blaine in a daze behind her.

*

Santana: I got deets from Mercedes and checked out the Canyon Ranch website.  It’s a pretty swanky place I will admit.  I’d maybe do the monogamy thing for a while if I got a free stay there out of the deal.

Santana:  Saw that they offer maternity treatments as well, and with how adamant you seem about seeing this through I was just wondering...

Santana:  Is there something you need to share with the class Mr. Anderson-Hummel?

Sam: Barry Goldwater is from Arizona Blaine, did you know that?

Sam: How do you feel about that?

Sam: Pretty awfully I’m guessing

Blaine:  Are you literally just regurgitating all the facts about Arizona you know at me right now Sam?

Sam: No.

Blaine:  And do you even know who Barry Goldwater is?

Sam: Rude Blaine.

Sam: And yes I do.

Blaine:  After you googled him?

Sam: …

Sam: After I googled him.

*

After getting a notification on Facebook that Tina has liked a photo of Katie and Liz building a sandcastle at the park he recently uploaded for Kurt’s benefit, he realizes that, out of all his friends, Tina is the person who’ll best understand why he has to do what he’s planning on doing for Kurt.  In fact he doesn’t understand why he didn’t go to her first.  If anybody would appreciate this type of romantic gesture he’s planning for Kurt, he thinks it’d probably be Tina (and hopefully Kurt himself).

He shoots her a private message.

Hey Tay Tay, he writes. Sorry we haven’t caught up in a while but I’ve been super busy.  I’m planning a surprise anniversary honeymoon for Kurt for next week and I’ve been up to my ears in details. The girls are doing well and Katie still loves that lego Star Wars set you got her.  Next time you’re in from Boston, let’s have dinner yeah?

As he’s walking Katie to summer camp the next morning, Liz squirming on his hip and Katie blithely narrating her plans to takeover the lead role in the play that the 5-and-6 year old age group will be putting on at the end of the summer, his phone buzzes with a notification.  After he drops Katie off with instructions to be nice and “remember that not all the little girls at this camp have been getting vocal lessons from Broadway singers since they learned how to talk sweetie” he checks it and sees a message from Tina.

You’re planning a surprise honeymoon for Kurt? Blaine, last time you planned a regular one he didn’t speak to you for days and almost murdered Cooper.  You’d have nobody but yourself to blame this time if that happens again.  Otherwise yeah! Dinner sounds great. There’s a veterinarian convention in New York in September that I’m planning on attending.  If I could crash with you and Kurt that’d be amazing.  Love you <3

His writes back of course you can crash with us. I’m sure Kurt won’t mind.  What’s the point in having an immaculately decorated guest room if you can’t show it off from time to time.

He doesn’t respond back to the earlier part of her message, choosing to ignore her skepticism like he has everyone else’s.  Besides, he’ll see her in person not long after they get back from their vacation, where he can deliver his ‘I-told-you-so’ straight to her face.  

* 

Though Blaine has been cycling through his friends to get their opinions for the past week or so, there are certain people that he’s been careful not to reach out to.

The first person he neglects to fill in is Cooper for obvious reasons.  Cooper, even now, fails to see how he holds any blame in the unfortunate last day of Kurt and Blaine’s Honeymoon and Blaine’s not aiming to repeat the past.   If Blaine’s plan run smooth, Cooper won’t find out Kurt and Blaine went on an anniversary vacation until after they’ve returned.

The second person is one Miss Rachel Barbra Berry.   Blaine isn’t avoiding telling Rachel because he doesn’t value her input.  Rachel, however, despite protestations that she “loves both her boys equaling” is much more Kurt’s.  They went through NYADA together and then the trials and tribulations of trying to make it to Broadway.  Favored duet partners at various Cabarets’ they’ve held since breaking into the Biz, their voices compliment each other almost as seamlessly as their personalities do.   Blaine knows that if he tells Rachel about his scheme there’s a fifty percent chance Kurt will know about it within the hour.

(Kurt is a separate story entirely.  Blaine can’t tell Kurt what he’s doing for obvious reasons, but he can’t just ignore his husband’s calls either.  Blaine is watching their girls, and while Blaine knows Kurt is in love with him, a large part of the reason why Kurt calls is for assurances that they’re okay.   Fortuitously, Kurt is fairly busy from long days of travel, and when Kurt admits he just wants to go to sleep Blaine doesn’t complain.)

Unfortunately, the rest of his group of friends is not operating under the same memorandum that he is, and his honeymoon ideas spread rapidly from him to them.

Seven days into Kurt’s business trip, Kurt calls early in the day so that he’ll have a chance to catch Katie before she gets to camp since she’s usually asleep by the time he calls Blaine in the evenings.  She chatters away at him as Blaine walks her to camp for and though Blaine had asked Kurt to try and convince Katie that staging a hostile takeover at her theatre camp would not be necessary in order to enjoy her time there Blaine’s fairly certain Kurt’s instead giving her tips on the best way to politely undermine the directors authority.    After dropping her off with one of the counselors, he takes the phone from her and spends the walk home pushing Liz’s stroller and conversing with his husband.  When Kurt asks him what he’s been up to lately Blaine’s mind blanks for a few seconds in panic because what if Kurt knows somehow but he quickly recovers.  He tells Kurt he’s been playing a lot of Halo with Blaine and listens fondly to the diatribe he receives in response.

After he says goodbye to Kurt he ends the call and notes in shock that he has twenty new text messages.    When he taps onto the screen and sees that they’re all from Cooper he knows someone sold him out.

Cooper picks up on the first ring.

“I can’t believe that I had to hear from Sam Evans off all people, that my brother is planning a romantic getaway from himself and my brother-in-law.  I’m hurt Blaine!”

“Are you really,” Blaine asks offhandedly, “or are you actually practicing for the part of overly invested and preposterously concerned brother on some new television series that’s being optioned?” 

“Just because I’m being considered for a new soap opera, Blaine, doesn’t give you the right to be rude.”

“Whatever, Cooper,” Blaine says with a sigh.  “Why are you calling?” He asks. “Why do you even care what I decide to do with my husband?  And furthermore, don’t you realize you’re the last person I’d come to for help if I even wanted it?”

“You came to me for help once before and that worked out pretty well for you.”

Blaine resists the urge to throw his phone across the room.  “My husband was turned into a human scratching post for an army of sea monsters!”

It’s not Blaine’s most apt metaphor but he lets it be.

“Really Blaine, they were only jellyfish,” Cooper says long-sufferingly over the line. “And he was perfectly fine a few weeks later.   In fact I’d argue that my small mental slips up helped Kurt build character, which is very important for dramatiques like us.   Plus,” Cooper says as though he’s aggravated.    “The rest of the honeymoon was picture perfect,” he protests, “the stuff made out of Hollywood gold.”

Blaine decides not to dwell too much on the fact that Cooper is sounding dangerously like Blaine has in the past few days.  “Please tell me you’re not planning on writing a screenplay about our lives too Coop.”

“I wasn’t planning on it, but you know what?  Doesn’t seem like a half bad idea.  I’d have to change your names, of course, so you couldn’t sue me for defamation of character but I think it’d be a hit.   Y’know,” Cooper says thoughtfully,  “I think I’d make for an award winning Blaine Anderson-Hummel.”

Looks like Blaine’s going to have to make sure Cooper and Santana don’t make contact for the rest of their lives.

“You’re not playing me in the movie version of my life and you’re not helping me plan my anniversary honeymoon!” Blaine yells.

“Ouch.  Somebody’s touchy today!”

“Goodbye Cooper,” Blaine says with finality, hanging up with a harsh stab of his finger against the touch screen.

Cooper texts him not ten seconds later.

Cooper: I forgive you for being so mean to me earlier, as I recognize you are probably stressed out with Kurt out of the state.

Cooper:  You’re lucky you have such a gracious brother.

Cooper: In lieu of apologizing, you can make up this up to me by letting me watch the kids.  I haven’t seen my nieces in forever and I miss them! 

Blaine shuts off his phone for the rest of the day.

*

 As if by deja-vu, when Blaine powers on his phone the next day, he has thirty-seven text messages and ten missed calls.  It’s excessive, even for Cooper, which is why Blaine is less than surprised when the bulk of the text messages and all of the calls are from Rachel. 

The texts vary in intensity, starting off with ‘Blaine, what is this I hear from Mercedes about a honeymoon surprise you have planned for Kurt’ and shifts to ‘I can understand you telling Sam and Tina before me but Santana? Really? Did our years of cohabitation and brief romance mean nothing to you’ and rapidly devolve to ‘pick up your phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Rachel picks up before the first ring is even halfway finished. 

“What’s this I hear about you letting Cooper Anderson of all people watch Katie and Liz?  I’m their godmother, the responsibility should go to me!” 

“Hi Rach,” Blaine whispers, leaning heavily against the kitchen counter as he waits for his coffee to brew.  He’d hoped to have a few minutes of respite before waking Katie and Liz up but it appears the fates are not in his favor.  “How are you doing?”

“Awfully, Blaine, if you must know.  Not only did I have to learn from Mercedes of all people about your plans to leave New York for a week, but I had to learn from Cooper that he’s going to be watching over my godchildren.”

Blaine sighs.  “Of course you did.”

“I simply don’t know what you’re thinking, Blaine,” Rachel continues on the other end of the line. “Cooper Anderson is not only barely capable of taking care of himself most of the time, but he also lives outside the city practically in Jersey.  And I know you used to love those Real Housewives shows from that city, but it makes no sense to give caretaking duties to him.  I live much closer to you and Kurt and furthermore-”

She continues on in this vein without pause.  And because Blaine Anderson is a gentleman, he listens to her for two and a half minutes before he can’t take it anymore. 

“Rachel, I have to go,” he says, interrupting her.  “Liz is awake.”  It’s not true but Rachel doesn’t have to know that.

“According to what I know of Kurt’s schedule,” Rachel says brusquely, “I’d approximate that Liz wakes up every morning around 7:15. As you well know I am very regimented in my morning routines and I wake up at 6:30 each morning.  Not only would I be awake by the time your kids woke up Blaine, but I’d have breakfast ready for them by the time they were dressed.”

“Rachel, despite what Cooper may have told you, I haven’t actually decided who’s going to be watching the kids yet.” 

“So the part is still up for audition?”  Rachel asks, happiness evident in her voice.

“I guess that’s one way of looking at it.” 

“Great,” Rachel chirps cheerily.  “Well if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s nailing an audition.  You’ll choose me in the end, I’m sure of it.”

Throughout the day Cooper and Rachel’s texts join an ever-growing onslaught of messages he receives having to do with his next Honeymoon, as they battle it out for the right to watch Katie and Liz.

Cooper: Blood is thicker than water Blaine.

Cooper: I actually don’t know what that means but a character of mine said it once after his twin brother cheated with his girlfriend.

Cooper: And the twin brother felt really bad about it because you shouldn’t cheat with your brother’s girlfriend.

Cooper:  I actually got to play both the twin and the main character it was pretty cool and I got double billing.

Cooper: Regardless, your daughters should be spending time with their uncle and not some washed up Broadway harpy.

Blaine: Please don’t call my kid’s godmother a harpy, Coop, you sound like a tool and a seventy year old grandmother at the same time.

Rachel: I think Cooper’s out to get me.  Why else would be trying to move in on my goddaughters?

Blaine: You do realize he’s their uncle, right Rach?

Rachel: Personally I think Cooper’s just jealous.  He always made fun of Broadway but maybe he was just filled with shame that he doesn’t have the true talent to make it on the Great White Way.

Rachel: I think he also might be mad that after we hooked up at the Anderson-Hummel New Years Party of 2019 I never called him again for a repeat performance

Rachel: …though I’m not sure you actually knew about that until just know…

Blaine:  No Rachel, I didn’t. 

Blaine: Thank you for giving me that visual though.  Excuse me while I go scrub my brain with bleach.

Rachel: Don’t be such a child Blaine these things happen.

Rachel: Besides we didn’t even have /real/ sex.

Rachel: I do have SOME sense of decorum you know.

Blaine: The sooner we stop talking about my brother’s sex life the better Rach.

Rachel:  Fine. Suit yourself.

Santana: You know there’s literally no point in keeping this a secret anymore now that Berry knows right?  She’s the biggest blabbermouth North of the Mason-Dixon line.

Sam: Did you know if you cut down a protected species of cactus in Arizona, you could spend more than a year in prison?

Blaine: Why would we be cutting down any type of cactus while on vacation, let alone a protected species?

Sam: idk you and kurt are into horticulture and stuff right?

Sam: I’m just saying, Kurt keeps a beautiful garden but is he an expert in cactus species, I think not!!

Rachel: Did you know I’ve been certified in rescue breathing and CPR for the past fifteen years Blaine?  And I know New York City super well.  If anything happened to Liz or Katie I know the best hospitals to take them to.

Cooper: In the event that anything happens to you I am your next in kin Blaine. Just a reminder.

Blaine: Santana, did you know that Rachel and Cooper have hooked up before?

Santana: Duh.  Winter of 2019.  I thought everybody knew that.

Blaine: Not me.

Santana: Well of course not.  You and Kurt were too busy having a nice extended quickie in your closet to notice much of anything.  

Santana: I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve been hooking up on the DL ever since.

Santana: Cooper has always reminded me of a Jesse St. James on crack.  

Rachel: I think you’re also overlooking the fact that I am a Broadway star.  Not only could I teach Katie skills that will come in handy for her theatre production this summer, but I can also use my low level celebrity to keep the girls in the lap of luxury.

Cooper: I think you’re also overlooking the fact that I am a commercial and soon to be soap opera star. Not only could I teach Katie skills that will come in handy for her theatre production this summer, but I can also use my low level celebrity to keep the girls in the lap of luxury.

Blaine: …

Blaine:  Please tell me you haven’t been hooking up with Rachel Berry Cooper.

Cooper:  It only happened once Blaine, and I thought we agreed we’d never to tell you.

Cooper: …why? Did she mention me?

Rachel: Oh btw, I think your idea is super cute.  Kurt is going to /love/ it.  You know how much he swoons for this type of over the top romance.  If you need any help going through his closet to find clothes for your trip or want my advice on what to say to him when he gets back from his business trip, just let me know.  

Blaine:  Rachel you win.  Kids are yours for the week. 

Rachel:  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blaine: Cooper you lose. Kids are Rachel’s for the week.

Cooper: Et tu Blainey?

*

It’s been little over one week since Kurt’s left New York, and Blaine is feeling significantly less confident in his plans to romance his husband than he had at the beginning of the week.  It doesn’t help that nearly every single person he’s tried to talk to about his plans has expressed horror at the very idea of a nice, simple, all-inclusive vacation to a world renowned relaxation resort for a week.  Even his own daughters are working against him.  Every single time Blaine has gotten on the phone to make a reservation (for the hotel, for a car to pick them up at the airport, for dinner at a fancy restaurant nearby, to name a few) Liz has decided it’s time to wail inconsolably at the top of her lungs.  And Katie, as she spied the web browser open to Canyon Ranch’s homepage over his shoulder, had remarked “the people in those pictures look like weirdoes.”

Mike Chang, dancing in a brief engagement with the Parsons Dance Company, stops in after one of his performances Saturday night.  His girls love Mike for his amiability, latent low-level silliness, and near endless cheer.  Blaine loves Mike because he wears Katie and Liz out, spinning them around in crude versions of dances like the Lindy Hop until they’re exhausted.  He makes Mike a late dinner after he tucks them into bed. 

They eat the quick rotini pasta primavera Blaine whips up in amicable quiet for a few minutes.   Usually Mike’s ability to lapse into comfortable, non-wkward silence with Blaine is one of his favorite things about Mike.  But he’s had a long week and he’s only been able to talk in snippets of conversation with Kurt and he’s still not sure if he’s making a terrible decision in given Kurt a second honeymoon for their anniversary.

“Did you know that Kurt and I have met Javier Bardem?”  Blaine asks casually as Mike is shoving a forkful of pasta into his mouth.

“Hmmm?” Mike queries around a carrot slice.

“Javier Bardem.  The dude from No Country for Old Men.”

Mike swallows. “Yeah Blaine, I know who he his.  Doesn’t everybody?”

“You’d be surprised,” Blaine says darkly, remembering his previous phone conversation with Sam.”

“What?” Mike asks, face pinching together.  Blaine doesn’t elaborate.  “Okay...” He shakes his head and takes another bite of his pasta, but Blaine isn’t quite done speaking yet.

“Anyway, as I was saying, did you know Kurt and I met him once?”

“I do recall you telling me this, yes,” Mike answers, after he finishes chewing his food.

“You’d think more people would remember that, wouldn’t you?” Blaine says, voice rising slightly in tone and pitch.  “You’d think something like that would be important to the people who love us, wouldn’t you?”

“I...guess?”  Mike isn’t even trying to hide his confusion at this point.  “Blaine,” he asks cautiously, putting his fork down carefully onto his plate “are you okay?”

But it’s been a week and Blaine can’t handle it anymore.  “It was on our honeymoon that we met him!” Blaine shouts.  “Our honeymoon where were also spent 13 days - 13 perfects days - exploring the Mediterranean and having all sorts of crazy awesome sex!”

Mikes eyebrows shoot up high on his forehead.  “I really didn’t need to know that.”

“And you’d think that all of those things would outshine a stupid little thing like a jellyfish attack but no.”  Blaine feels like he’s a snowball rolling down the side of a mountain.  He’s spiraling into an avalanche, and there’s not stopping it.  “Kurt isn’t even allergic to jellyfish, did you know that? And he forgave me a long time ago for my oversight so I’d appreciate it if my so-called friends put it in the past as well!”

“I’m extremely confused right now,” Mike says helplessly.

“Sure, he got stung by the jellyfish, but they healed without leaving any marks!  I bet if Kurt and I would’ve honeymooned in the Tropics or near some woods - “

“-Kurt doesn’t really seem like someone who’d honeymoon in the woods though-”

“-and Kurt got bitten by mosquitoes no one would still be bringing up the one blemish on an otherwise perfect vacation!”

“If we’re going by levels of magnitude Blaine, I think we’re a bit off base...”

“I’m planning a surprise wedding anniversary honeymoon for Kurt!” Blaine says finally, and Mike peers steadily back at him

“Well that explains this conversation at least,” he says finally.

And Blaine Anderson-Hummel takes it back; he hates Mike Chang.

“Mike,” he says sharply.

“Not that your plan isn’t sweet Blaine, but are you sure doing this in secret is your best idea? I’m fairly certain Kurt would be much more amenable to this plan if it wasn’t such a surprise.  He’s already going to be away from the girls for two weeks,” Mike points out. “Are you sure he’ll want to be gone for another seven days?”  

Damn him for being so logical.  “I am planning on telling him!”

“When?”

“The day before we leave.”

“Blaine.”

“Mike, I just don’t want to hear it!” Blaine rises from the table and begins to pace.  It’s a nervous habit he’s picked up over the years.  “I’ve only got seven days to finalize a vacation that has to be too good for Kurt to not accept, and I’ve spent the last week being harassed in turn by Sam, Santana, Cooper and Rachel.” Mike lets out a small oof in sympathy.  “Yeah.” 

They continue eating in silence. After they finish dinner and put away their dishes, Mike asks Blaine if he’s seen the new movie about the former President Obama that’s been recently released and Blaine shakes his head.  Mike mentions that it’s available for early streaming on Netflix if he’d like to watch it with him.

Blaine grudgingly admits he would.  Mike knows his weakness for highly bastardized and highly stylized pseudo political documentaries.  Plus Dule Hill is playing Obama, and Blaine’s had a crush on him since he marathoned the West Wing in his sophomore year of high school.

As they’re settling on to the couch, the opening credits starting to play, Mike turns to Blaine and says, “you know man, I do understand why you feel the need to do this on your own, even if I don’t agree with how you’re doing it.”  Blaine doesn’t answer, staring stonily ahead at the screen in front of them.  Mike sighs gustily, before getting up and walking over to the kitchen.  When he returns a few minutes later, he has a bowl of popcorn in his hand.  “Popcorn?” He asks, offering it to him.  It’s a bribe and they both know it.

He accepts the popcorn anyway.   Partially because Mike’s been one of the more understanding of any of his friends so far.

Partially because Blaine loves popcorn.

*

Santana: Cooper just contacted me and offered to play David, the Latino-ized version of you.  And while I’m not into white washing I think he could rock it with some bouts of gratuitous shirtlessness.

Santana: With a body like that, maybe I’d work in a stripper plot.  David can be a hybrid version of you and Sam.

Blaine: Gross.

Blaine: And yet wanky at the same time.

Blaine: If only you could cast an actual hybrid of Sam and me instead of my idiot brother.

Santana: Yeah, you’re telling me.

Santana: Bet Kurt would just love that, eh? 

*

Kurt scores some free time and his own hotel room the next night, so he calls Blaine and giddily catches him up with all the details that he hadn’t been able to share during their phone conversations earlier in the night.  In a way, Blaine is happy that Kurt has been so busy these past few days.  He chatters away easily, filled to the brim with information he wants to tell Blaine, and Blaine barely has to work at actively pretending he’s not hiding something from Kurt.

As they wrap up their conversation, one much appreciated round of phone sex later, Kurt has one last factoid to share.

“Oh yeah, Blaine!  I can’t believe I almost forgot.  My dad texted me today and said he has a fundraising event in New York tomorrow.  He’d love to meet you for lunch after it if possible.  He’s dying to see the girls and of course, you.”

“That sounds awesome. Kurt,” Blaine says while mentally thinking it sounds anything but.  How is he supposed to keep his secret from Burt Hummel of all people?

*

That Burt Hummel would win the first election he ever ran in back in Blaine’s junior year is not something that surprises Blaine.  That Burt Hummel would continue to remain in politics for more than a decade past does. 

Overall it’s worked out well in their favor.  Burt is in DC often, much closer to Kurt than he ever was in Lima, which means he’s able to stop into New York more than he might have otherwise.  Though Hummel’s Tire and Lube is still fully functioning back in Ohio, Finn has taken the point position in running the repair shop and it suites him well. 

At the moment, however, Blaine wishes there was a little more space between DC and New York.

Burt stops by their house on Sunday, four days before Kurt is due back home.  The girls are giddy with excitement when he walks in and the worry inside his throat melts away, replaced with sheer affection as Burt gathers his giggling granddaughters into his chest.  “If it isn’t the two prettiest girls in the world,” Burt says, smacking an exaggerated kiss against their cheeks.  “Can I play with you for the afternoon?” 

Blaine doesn’t know if it’s the new exercise routine Carole has been forcing him into, or just joy from being able to see his grandkids that fuels Burt’s energy, but as the girls drag him over to their room to play Sleeping Beauty, he doesn’t miss a beat.   Katie dictates their actions with a surety that “gives me flashbacks to a certain other holy terror” Burt says with a chuckle as she assigns them parts and character motivations.  Burt, to his amazement, is made to play Sleeping Beauty.  Katie says Liz will be the dragon guarding her castle, making herself the Prince because “he’s the hero and he gets to fight people with a sword and stuff.”  Blaine is made to be the evil witch to which Blaine huffs, “not even a teenager yet and already so snarky.”

After they’re done playing Sleeping Beauty and eating lunch, Blaine settles them both down for a nap.  Katie insists that she doesn’t need one because “I’m almost five, dad, and I’m not a baby anymore,” but she’s out like a light a few minutes later.  Burt chuckles when Blaine trudges into the living room once he’s done, Blaine settling heavily onto the couch. 

Burt puts an arm around Blaine’s shoulders and squeezes once.  He picks up the remote from the coffee table.  “I’ve still got a few hours before I have to get to the airport and I think the Buckeyes are scrimmaging against Michigan today.  You wanna watch?” 

“I do,” Blaine says honestly, but he’s hesitant.  Common sense dictates that telling Burt about his surprise for Kurt would only end badly but he wants to do so anyway.  Blaine’s never shied away from talking about awkward or personal topics before and he doesn’t want to make a habit out of it now.

“Mr. Hummel,” he starts, but pauses at the side-eye Burt levels at him once he says it. “Burt,” he corrects.  “I would like your advice on something, something you’ll probably try to talk me out of. 

“Is that so,” Burt says levelly as he sets the remote control back on the coffee table.

“Yes,” Blaine saws swallowing thickly.  He hasn’t been a teenager for thirteen years, but Burt Hummel has the unique ability of devolving him emotionally back into one.  “I am thinking about asking Kurt to go on a second honeymoon with me.”

“Really,” Burt says, the corner of his mouth upticking in an infuriatingly undecipherable way.

“Yes. And actually I’m not thinking about it.  It’s happening.”

“I see,” Burt responds back, still vexingly wry.  

“I’ve already made reservations and booked plane tickets and Rachel agreed to watch the girls for a few days,” Blaine continues.

“That’s good at least then,” Burt says lugubriously.

“And I’ve been given crap from every single important person in both Kurt and mine’s life already, so whatever hold ups you may have, bring ‘em on.  You’ve never minced words with me, so why start now?” 

“Blaine.”

“Yes,” Blaine answers rigidly. 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

A beat.

“...You’re kidding me right?”

“No…” Burt responds, shaking his head.  “Why?  Do you want me to do the protective dad routine or something?”

“No of course not,” Blaine assures him hurriedly.  “It’s just that...don’t you think that it’s, I don’t know, misguided of me to plan this without Kurt’s knowledge.”

“Why would I think that?”  He sounds genuinely curious so Blaine doesn’t mind elaborating.

“Because the last vacation I planned ended with Kurt getting stung by lots of jellyfish?” And Blaine probably could have phrased that much better.

“Blaine,” Burt says with a chuckle.  “We all make mistakes from time to time.  Way I see it?  That was an unfortunate one.  You probably shouldn’t have taken your wack-a-doodle brother’s advice when he said everything would be fine and dandy.”

He claps a hand on Blaine’s shoulder.  “But I trust you with my son Blaine, because you’re a real swell guy. More than that I know you’d do anything to keep Kurt from getting hurt.”

Burt squeezes his shoulder slightly before dropping his hand.

“You were practically still a kid when you and Kurt got hitched, and you got caught up in the excitement of getting married.  It’s understandable kid - we’ve all been there.”

Blaine doesn’t want to push his luck, but he can’t help but ask “so you don’t think I’ll inevitably do something to screw this up and irreparable damage my relationship?”

“Blaine I think you could vote for my Republican opponent and not irreparably damage your relationship with my kid,” Burt says as he reaches back down to re-grab the remote off the coffee table.  “Now you ready to watch some ball?”

“Almost.  I just have one more question.”

“Shoot kid,” Burt says. 

“Do you have any advice?  To convince Kurt he can trust me this time?”

Burt thinks on in for a moment.  “Just one,” he says finally.  “Make sure there aren’t any Jellyfish in a 100 mile radius of where you guys are staying this time.” 

*

The last four days before Kurt comes home run much more smoothly than the previous nine had.  Blaine finagles Rachel and Santana for help to pack Kurt’s bag for him as Blaine makes last minute reservations, run errands, and takes care of the girls.  He’s down one fifty dollar Starbucks card that had been an end of year present from one of his students that he has to give to Santana before she agrees to help, but Blaine isn’t too upset about it.  He’s got plenty more of those where that one came from, one of the perks of teaching a fancy private school.  

Blaine solidifies his plans with Rachel for babysitting, making sure she has their schedule for the week as well as all of their important numbers and the number of the resort they’ll be staying at.  Of the quality of her care over his daughters Blaine is not worried.  She loves them like her own and he knows she’d go to the ends of the earth to keep them happy.

Kurt comes home physically exhausted but mentally rejuvenated.  He’s excited to be working behind-the-scenes on shows again for as much as he loves the stage itself.  He hasn’t helped produce a show since before they were married and he loves being in a position of power again.  

The moment Blaine has been dreading for almost two weeks ends up working out much better than Blaine had thought possible, even in his wildest of hopes and dreams.   When Blaine tells him about his plan, after they’ve spent the evening cuddling with Katie and Liz, Kurt is ecstatic.

“I wish I had a few more days home with Katie and Liz,” Kurt says after he pulls back from the embrace he had wrapped Blaine in after Blaine had rambled off his plan to him.  “But I understand why we have to do this now.”

“So you’re…really okay with a week in Arizona?”

“I am,” Kurt says leaning in and fisting his hands in the collar of Blaine’s shirt and sliding a knee in between Blaine's thight.  “And if you give a some time, I’ll prove it to you.”

As soon as the door shuts on their bellhop, bags stacked in the corner of their gorgeous honeymoon suite, Blaine realizes that there is one thing he forgot to pack for Kurt, maybe the most important thing for a place like the one they’re staying at.

A swimsuit.  

Kurt’s not the type of person who enjoys extended periods of time at the pool since chlorine is hell on his skin, so after his last swimsuit had been destroyed by a three year old Katie attempting to make customized clothes for her Teddy Bears, Kurt had no reason to purchase another pair.  Blaine had given Rachel (and unfortunately by extension, Santana) permission to go through Kurt’s underwear drawer but Blaine had specifically known he’d have to remember to buy a new swimsuit for Kurt.

And he’d totally forgotten.

“Fuck!” So loud is his outburst that he startles Kurt from his position at the window, from where he’s been staring out at the view.

“Blaine, are you okay?” Kurt asks, taking a few steps in his direction.

“No…Kurt, no I’m not,” Blaine says sadly.

“Hun,” Kurt moves closer and takes his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“I tried so hard to make this anniversary Honeymoon perfect for us.  You should see the amount of checklists I was keeping on my computer Kurt - it was excessive at one point.”

Kurt wiggles their intertwined hands against his thigh. “I’m sure I would have been delighted and proud.”

“But what’s the point? There’s always going to be something I screw up.”

“You’ll have to forgive me if I seem confused Blaine but what on earth are you talking about?” Kurt asks, tilting his head and peering up at Blaine from under his lashes.  “From where I’m standing my totally gorgeous and romantic husband put together a surprise Honeymoon for us at one of the most beautiful Inns I’ve ever stepped foot in.”

“Which won’t matter in the slightest because it’s like you can enjoy it after I completely forgot to pack you a swimsuit.”

Blaine’s aware he sounds slightly manic.

“Blaine,” Kurt says softly, cupping a hand around Blaine’s cheek.  

“I don’t think I’ve ever acknowledged how horrible I feel for that last day in Malaga, Kurt.  Between that and dealing with our friends for the past two weeks, I think I’ve developed some sort of a complex.”

“Part of that’s my fault, Blaine,” Kurt says linking his other hand in Blaine’s as well.  “I think I’ve been rather callous in the way I’ve talked about our honeymoon afterwards and I shouldn’t have been.  I will never understand why you took advice from Cooper but...our wedding, our honeymoon, and moreover our marriage has been incredible.  Sure,” he admits, “there have been thumps along the way, but I love everything the way it is, jellyfish stings and all.”

“So our honeymoon wasn’t a complete disaster, then?” Blaine asks, leaning his head back and resting his hands against Kurt chest.

“Not in the slightest,” Kurt says, leaning down to kiss Blaine’s knuckles.  “I mean Blaine. We got to share drinks with Javier Bardem.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying for the past two weeks, and no one listened to me!”

Kurt chuckles and slides his hands up Blaine’s throat to cup his face around his cheeks.  He skims his lips blithely over Blaine’s for a moment before lightly sucking his bottom in-between his.  Blaine chases Kurt’s mouth blindly as he begins to pull away, eyes fluttering shut.  He presses a desperate kiss onto Kurt’s mouth, moaning as his lips part and their tongues slide together. 

When they separate Blaine inclines his head towards the nightstand beside the bed.

“I guess I should call the concierge and get suggestions for the best place to purchase a swimsuit around here.”

“About that Blaine...” Kurt says biting his lip.  “I...have something to tell you.  Well…maybe I should just show you. 

He breaks away from Blaine and pulls his suitcase onto the bed.  He unzips it and pulls out a pale blue garment.  Blaine blinks at him, unable to comprehend the material hanging from his fingers.

“That’s a swimsuit,” Blaine says.

“Correct.”

“And it came from your suitcase.”

“Also true.”

“But...how did it get in there?”

“Because I made sure Rachel bought a pair to stick in my luggage for me,” Kurt admits sheepishly.   “I remembered that Katie destroyed my previous swimsuit during her stuffed animal haute-couture attempts”

It takes Blaine more time than he’d like to admit to realize exactly what Kurt means.

“You knew,” Blaine says, dumbfounded.

Kurt places the swimsuit back into his suitcase.  “Yes.” 

“Since when?”

“Since when did I realize you were planning something,” Kurt asks as he zips his bag shut, “or since when did I finagle the full details out of our group of friends?”

Oh hell.  “Both,” Blaine responds.

“Well I’ve known you’ve been planning something since the week before last, when Sam texted me a list of step by step details for killing mutants.  At first I thought it was a bi-product of you two rehashing your old Nightbird days, but then I got a random text from Mike telling me how awesome it was that I got to meet an Academy Award Winner on our honeymoon.”

Blaine makes a mental note to find a new crop of best male friends as soon as he gets home.

“From there on the dam sort of...exploded.” 

“Oh no,” Blaine groans.

“Oh yes,” Kurt says before sitting down on the edge of the bed.  “Santana texted me offering to take out college saving bonds for Katie and Liz after Angry in Arizona was released, which she described as the made-for-TV sequel to the movie of ours lives.  Then Rachel called to complain about Cooper almost being chosen to watch our kids for a week instead of her, for a vacation I had no knowledge of previously.   Only a forwarded email from Mercedes a few minutes later stopped me from having a full on panic attack and hopping on a plane back to New York.”

Blaine drops down next to him “That’s why you were so willing to go on this trip.”

Kurt knocks his shoulder against Blaine’s. “Our children were almost placed in the care of your brother Blaine.  After dodging that mental bullet, pretty much everything seemed fine.”

“I can’t believe you’ve known about this this entire time,” Blaine says leaning back to rest on his hands.

“Are you mad at me?”  Kurt asks leaning his head on Blaine’s shoulder.

“No!” Blaine says vehemently.  “No,” he repeats more quietly. “I just...wanted this to be special.  I wanted to prove to you that I could take care of vacation planning stuff by myself. 

“Blaine this doesn’t make it any less special. The gesture is still there.”  Kurt wraps an arm across his body and grips onto Blaine’s hip.  “I have the most thoughtful husband in the world and if anything, this is making me fall even more in love with you, something I didn’t even realize was physically possible.”

“Besides,” Kurt continues, “if anything, this process taught me that it wasn’t fair to expect you to plan a honeymoon all on your own.  This unity, this working together made this honeymoon planning much easier.  Now I don’t think I would have ever been at a place where your help planning our actual wedding ceremony would have been a good idea but...” Kurt trails off.

“But?” Blaine prompts, leaning heavily into Kurt.

“But I’m glad we learned our lesson, even if it took us a decade to manage it.  I’m glad we’ve grown together as adults Blaine, and I hope we’re this happy for our next ten years and then for the rest of our lives.”

Blaine pushes Kurt onto the bed and follows him down.  He slides in-between his thighs and licks his ways into his Kurt’s mouth.  He runs his hands up Kurt’s arms and nudges his hands above his head, pushing Kurt’s hands into the bed.  He thrusts his tongue against Kurt’s before drawing it in to his mouth and sucking wetly on it.

Later, as he works on unbuttoning Kurt’s shirt, Blaine pauses to address Kurt seriously. 

“Kurt?” He asks.

“Yes Blaine,” Kurt responds from where he’s thrown back against the pillows.

“Does this mean you’ll finally get rid of your first list of all the ways our honeymoon went wrong?” He asks hopefully. 

“Not a chance.”  

“Oh well.”  Blaine says, latching his lips against the side of Kurt’s neck.  “It was worth a shot.”

*

Though Kurt refuses to get rid of his first list, which he claims he’s “saving for posterity’s sake,” he is willing to make concessions. On Kurt Anderson-Hummel's list of The Reason’s Why I Had the Best Tenth Year Wedding Anniversary, hastily constructed on the back of a piece of the Inn’s courtesy stationary, the number one spot reads Because my husband planned it (mostly) by himself.

Blaine Anderson decides he doesn’t need to write an accompanying list this time around, mostly because the number one reason on his hypothetical list would read Because my husband is incredible and I got spectacularly laid, since taking the time to actually put pen to paper would be a detriment to the whole ‘getting spectacularly laid” part.