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Jihoon's skin stops tingling when he sets foot in Sanghyeok's apartment. The evening air is significantly colder outside. Always is. It is not new. It is also what is making his beloved hyung's house so soothing and cozy, especially after a match. Their match.
Sanghyeok always ensures having his heater on, even when he would be out for a long time. Electricity bill is basically non-existent when you are Faker. Hell, he pays for YouTube Premium now. Anything to make himself comfortable. And Jihoon respects that.
Unfortunately, he does not have time to think about the minor things like temperature. Not after his loss against his boyfriend. The feeling is usually the same: sadness for a short while, then he will bounce back again. Additionally, as he always does, his mind is busy analysing his own plays, determining where he misplayed, miscommunicated, or miscalculated.
Jihoon comes out from the guest room after he gets himself comfortable, dressed in Sanghyeok's home clothes—100% cotton—and not forgetting his pleasant checkered pants.
As if on cue, the doorbell rings.
Sanghyeok had ordered takeouts for them on the way back, reasoning that it was better to order prior to arriving home so that they didn't have to wait. Looks like he was right.
Jihoon opens the door with a polite smile and catches the visible confusion from the driver's expression when he clearly identifies him.
"Lee Jihoon?" The driver asks.
Jihoon's smile drops slightly, before it rises again with amusement.
Of course. Leave it to his man to pull a prank like this.
He nods in acknowledgement, happily taking the bag from the driver and thanking him, before closing the door.
"Hyung, really? If anyone's taking a last name, it's you," he says casually, a bit louder than normal so that Sanghyeok can hear him from his own room.
He sets the bag down on the table and brings out their containers.
When he gets the plastic utensils out, Sanghyeok emerges from the room with a small smile. He is changed in a more homely clothing. One that is not a T1 merch for once, thank god. Not that he has any right to judge his fashion.
Sanghyeok sits at the table, container placed in front of him. "I usually ask them to leave it there. Safer that way. I didn't know you'd get it yourself," he replies shamelessly.
Jihoon chuckles. He puts his own container across Sanghyeok and settles in that seat. "I'm glad I did. Or else, I wouldn't have known you're using my name like that." He chuckles, then continues after a beat of silence. "But keep doing it, it's your boyfriend privilege."
Maybe he imagined it. But he swears he saw a flicker of conflict on Sanghyeok's face.
Jihoon's mouth opens. Then closes. He looks down at his food while holding his utensils and digs in.
He should not ask. If it is important, Sanghyeok would tell him when he feels ready.
“Let’s break up.”
The meat impaled by Jihoon's fork stops midway to his mouth upon Sanghyeok's words. His body freezes, including his breathing. Eyes wide. He feels chills down his body, together with a fast heartbeat. All thoughts about the match earlier die with his heart.
What had he just heard? Sanghyeok wants to… what?
This has got to be a joke. No way he's getting dumped like this, right?
Jihoon lets out a sigh when he remembers how to breathe. He looks up with eyes that express his shock and sadness. Then, he replies, voice soft, almost timid, "All of a sudden? Did I do something wrong?"
Sanghyeok has his utensils on his container lid, his hands not visible from where Jihoon is across him, but he knows they’re on his lap. Sanghyeok always fidgets with his fingers when he’s nervous.
The older man doesn’t look surprised at his question, quite the opposite in fact. He knows Jihoon would think it's his fault.
Sanghyeok looks like he’s ready to say everything he rehearsed, but what he does instead is open his mouth with nothing coming out of it. He looks down at his own food in panic, sharp inhales and exhales as he blinks rapidly.
It seems like he has trouble breathing, and if they weren’t in the middle of a breakup, Jihoon would’ve known what to do. He would’ve gotten out of his chair and strode over to pat on his boyfriend’s back in consolation while whispering safe words to him like he always does.
But now, Jihoon’s butt is stuck on his chair. He can’t do anything. Not right now anyways. The shock and disappointment in his body is preventing him from approaching him.
Darn body.
One thing for sure though, he needs to know the answer, and he can wait until Sanghyeok is ready to tell. He can wait all day if needed. Or days. Weeks. Months. Even years.
After what feels like eternity, Sanghyeok finally lets out a shaky breath before muttering, “No. It’s not your fault. Never is. But,” he takes a pause, which is causing Jihoon’s nausea to worsen, the time taken feeling longer than it actually is. “Have you ever noticed how melancholy we become after a match against each other? We just eat and cuddle and then eat again. We become happy temporarily, then dread the next match again until it’s over. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t think it’s healthy for us. I feel bad about when I win and inadequate when I lose. The guilt always eats me inside.”
If Jihoon wasn’t dead by the end of that, he definitely is when Sanghyeok adds, “So, let’s break up, Jihoon-ah. I’m sorry.”
Jihoon-ah.
He hates how affectionate Sanghyeok sounds saying his name even while he’s breaking up with him. It hurts even more to hear him apologise, like it is his fault. It is never his fault. None of theirs. It's just the way things are between them. Always facing each other on the rift, never-ending rivalry, and cursed to be on different teams forever.
For a moment, Jihoon wants to scream. He wants to stomp across the table, get on his knees, and beg Sanghyeok not to leave him. However, he knows how much courage it takes for Sanghyeok to present those words to him. Sanghyeok must be hurting more than ever.
In the end, Jihoon nods his head reluctantly. "Alright, hyung. Let's do it."
The first few days after the breakup were hellish.
Jihoon doesn't think that he can get over it anytime soon. Not when his days that were filled with diligently messaging Sanghyeok (despite his late replies) are now replaced with… emptiness. He doesn't even recall how he spends his time without Sanghyeok. They were texting quite some time as friends before Jihoon finally dared to confess after all.
Jihoon sits at his designated place at the office late morning before practice. He stares at his reflection on the black monitor screen. His skin condition is reverting back to his teenager days—acnes and pores being awfully obvious. He looks older than his age. The wrinkles on his forehead are setting in. It's dark beneath his eyes, making him appear haggard.
He wonders if Sanghyeok is experiencing the same thing.
…He doubts it.
Sanghyeok is usually composed, confident about his decision. Moreover, they were only dating for a few months. It should be nothing to him. Sure, Jihoon admits he crushed on Sanghyeok longer than their relationship. Perhaps that's why the break up is affecting him much more.
He lets out a sigh, something he does too many times today, and leans back against his chair. He looks at his phone that he put on the table near the keyboard moments ago, the screen brighening up at a notification. His phone makes a small buzz, a vibration so that he doesn't disturb his teammates and coaches during their break time. Although now, he really wants to make everyone miserable with him.
He knows it's not from Sanghyeok. It cannot be.
But still, his eyes glance at the contact name with a tiny hope.
Minkyu.
He turns to look at his support, brows furrowing, almost pissed that he turns out to be the one messaging him. Minkyu simply signals for him to read it, jerking his chin towards the device on the table. He looks back at his phone.
'Why do you look like death'
Another message appears right after he finishes reading.
'Is Sanghyeok hyung mad that you stayed up all night playing Maple Story again?'
No, he fucking did not. (He did. Just to distract himself a bit. Just a bit.)
He grabs his phone in a frenzy, punching in words of denial before he pauses.
'No, we're fine.'
Are they?
They are certainly not. At least Jihoon is not fine.
He misses Sanghyeok so much he'd combust. He misses waiting for his text excitedly (and torturously at the same time) even when it arrives four hours after sending it. He misses spamming their chats with his whines whenever something didn't go his way, even if it was something minor, and Sanghyeok will still reply to all of them acknowledging his feelings that he doesn't even remember having.
He removes the words from the chatbox, then sends an angry cat sticker instead.
When he gets out of the chatroom, he spots Sanghyeok's name amongst the kakao list. His finger presses on his name and hovers over the rectangle to insert his message while shaking, debating if he should follow his instinct and send a message.
Just getting in touch is okay, right? It's not like he's asking him to get back together.
Speaking of it, isn't Sanghyeok also kind of cold? How can he not text even once? Not asking how he is? Does he not care?
He pouts, suddenly feeling petty as he leaves the chatroom.
Fine, he'll not disturb Sanghyeok's peace.
Perhaps Jihoon ought to change the ceiling colour. White is boring to look at in the middle of the late night, where everything just looks greyish. Nothing interesting. Maybe a splash of paint would do the trick.
Yeah. He can ask Jaehyuk to pick a colour and design out this weekend. Not like he has any other plans now. No plans. No Sanghyeok either.
Life is absolutely boring now.
Jihoon groans, hands coming up to cover his closing eyes with a grimace. He rolls around. Left, right, left, right.
He wants to scream. Bawl his eyes out. But he already has two strikes from the manager about his noise level this week. Three strikes and he has to camp at the headquarters or find a PC hotel. So all he lets out is a soft, high whine. He's about to turn into a fucking whale.
Finally on his stomach, his legs bend to get on his knees, now in a ball position. After a while, his upper body rises. He changes into a kneeling position, facing the bed's backboard. It's black.
Now this colour is pissing him off too. Why is everything so monotonous in this room? Just like his life.
Sighing, he hurls the blanket over him to the side of the bed, not caring that it drops. Swinging his legs over to the edge of the bed, he steadies himself when he is ready to stand up.
He cannot stay in bed while mourning in misery forever. Sleep does not look like it's arriving anytime soon too.
He has to pull out one final card. A calming cup of tea. It's helpful for sleep. At least for him.
He opens the door and leaves his room, feet padding on the floor while he walks to the kitchen. He takes a cup near the sink and rinses it, pulling the counter drawer with his free hand. He settles the glass mug on the table. As he reaches for the tea bag in the drawer, his hand instinctively goes for the chamomile tea bag. His fingers stops and retracts into his palm, fist clenching lightly.
Sanghyeok had gotten it for him. He recalls the older man lecturing him about sleeping well at night, judging how he always seemed tired during matches. It did help, he even slept better than before. Maybe it's a placebo effect: since it's a gift from Sanghyeok.
He sighs, not taking the tea bag. He shuts the drawer and puts the cup back to the sink rack.
Looks like he's trying the old-fashioned way.
The old-fashioned way can fuck off.
The bell attached to the door rings as he enters the convenience store, letting go of the doorknob once he's fully inside. He pulls his hoodie tighter around his head, tugging the strings so that it becomes smaller, hiding everything but his facial features on his face. His long legs bring him to the drinks section in an instant, his body slightly shivering at the coldness that the fridge emits.
A hand slides out his pocket, fingers gliding through the selection, uncertain.
He's not really sure what can help him. Normally, it's Sanghyeok who gives him advices: what he should wear, what he should do, what he should eat, what he should drink. His suggestions were never forced, just there if Jihoon wants to heed them. And he always does.
Camomile tea, again? Fight it with poison, coffee? Gosh, he's bad at this.
Jihoon sighs, heels spinning, body facing the door as it opens at the same time when he's about to leave.
The clanging of the bell goes blank in Jihoon's ears, his sight forgetting everything else surrounding him when Sanghyeok walks into the store.
Their eyes meet.
He stares, then forced himself to look away, dipping his head politely, feeling foreign. "Hey, hyung."
"Jihoon-ah," Sanghyeok greets back, his name still falling gently from his lips.
Jihoon licks his lips as they go dry from nervousness, averting the other's gaze. He knows, if he looks at Sanghyeok again, all his longing will be exposed and the attempt not to contact him all this while would be for naught.
But Sanghyeok comes closer, not really looking at him as well. He focuses on the drinks instead.
Jihoon pretends to be unfazed.
In about three seconds, Jihoon feels heat in his hand. His gaze drops to his hand, catching the sight of the hot berry tea bottle sliding into his hold.
Their hands brush against each other, but nobody pull away. They remain, both reluctant to move, both twitching from the yearning and desire to embrace one another.
After a while, Sanghyeok shifts, a hand by his side as the other points at the bottle. "Berry teas have sleeping properties. Drink it warm, it's better. You always have trouble sleeping, Jihoon-ah. It's important to keep a good sleeping routine. Especially now when…" Sanghyeok pauses, swallowing and exhaling slowly. "We have more free time."
The implication of their breakup is what completely shatters Jihoon's heart.
He feels it in his chest first. It tightens, so hard that it hurts. It physically hurts. He feels his knees buckle for a second, though regaining strength in an instant. His breath trembles when he exhales deeply. He nods his head in acknowledgment.
"Yeah," he replies. "I'll work on a routine."
Sanghyeok has a guilty expression on his face, but somehow his mannerisms and actions still seem calm. He walks up and pats Jihoon's shoulder, whispering a 'good luck' before he's off to the ramen section.
He's the one to talk.
He shakes his head in disbelief, but Jihoon can't think of anything else to say. So he starts moving, hastily paying for the tea and leaving the store.
Maybe he won't come back for a while.
Jihoon has not seen Sanghyeok since that day.
He has been avoiding him. He hasn't gone back to the convenience store since their last encounter. He goes to Gen.G's office early, knowing that Sanghyeok would be late to practice as usual. He doesn't take any path that Sanghyeok might be in.
He's overthinking it. He knows he is. But what can he do?
Looking at Sanghyeok now brings a sharp pain to his chest. It's an unexplanable feeling. All he can describe is that this feeling is uncomfortable. He feels it in his body at the thought of the older man. How his hands tremble vigorously. How a dull pain develops in his throat. How heavy his chest is and it is hard to breathe. How tears rush to his eyes, even though he is quick to blink them away.
He hasn't allowed himself to cry. He's not a kid anymore. He shouldn't make a fuss. This is what Sanghyeok wants. He shouldn't question it. He should respect it. So suffering silently is what he shall do.
"Jihoon-ah, do you need a break?"
Break?
Break up?
Who's breaking up with him?
Jihoon's vision snaps back to the practice room. The first thing he sees is his monitor, flashing the league client on its custom page, ready for scrim.
Then, his eyes roam. Everyone is looking at him. Mostly in concern.
"No, I'm okay," he replies to Ryu, smiling to disguise his messy feelings of grief.
Ryu doesn't push further, instead announces that the other team is ready to join the match as they prepare for draft.
Jihoon waits for his turn, locking in Ahri as his champion as planned. He goes through the usual routine, setting up his runes, checking his spells, until he pauses at the skin selection. His mouse hovers over the skin that he has been using so religiously, the skin he deems the most beautiful because it was created based on his favourite person.
His breath hitches.
The hand on his mouse trembles a little as he shifts the arrow, picking another skin that he got, one that he abandoned after purchasing the skin he thought he would use forever.
He tries his best to ignore Jaehyuk's stare of confusion beside him.
It is until the screen shows a different splash art of Ahri when he finally exhales in relief.
He should change teams. He definitely should change teams, and never come back until he has moved on. It does not help that T1 and Gen.G buildings are in the same district. He used to be thankful that he can easily see Sanghyeok whenever he likes. But now, it feels like torture.
What can he do?
How can he react to a simple thought that Sanghyeok is within walking distance?
He wants to see Sanghyeok. He wants to see if he's okay, how he spends his day, if he had broken his habit of asking the chef what the menu consists of every afternoon but forgets about it when he's at the canteen, and if he still hangs out with Wangho in the T1 building.
That leaves bitter taste in his mouth.
Wangho has been on the opposing team for a long time. Yet, he can step into the authorised building like it's a vacation home. He doesn't hate the man, quite the opposite. However, he can't help but feel insecure. He even remembers playfully glaring at Wangho every time he sees him in the building. He doesn't know how he would act now.
As Jihoon makes his way back to the dorm from Gen.G headquarters, he is met with the thoughts of bursting into T1, just like the team's previous jungler has done so.
Perhaps he can go in and see Sanghyeok with a guise of visiting Hyunjoon? He doubts Sanghyeok will buy it. Not even Hyunjoon will believe his bullshit.
Jihoon enters the building lobby, presses the button to call for a lift, and then waits. He taps his foot impatiently, not wanting to be alone with his thoughts again. He doesn't trust himself.
He distracts the thoughts whenever Sanghyeok pops up. But his body betrays him when the lift comes.
As he goes in, his finger immediately pushes the button for Sanghyeok's dorm floor. He panics. Before he can retract his action, the lift door closes and he heads up reluctantly.
Come to think of it, whenever they walk back home together, Jihoon would insist on bringing Sanghyeok back to his dorm first. That's why his body was moving on auto-pilot like that. It is not helpful now though.
He takes a sigh when the door opens, already hating himself as he walks out of the elevator anyways.
Just a peek. Just one peek before he goes home.
He goes down the hallway with familiar steps, striding through with ease. Then, at the recognised numbers indicated on the door, he raises his hand to knock.
He hesitates.
Would Sanghyeok want to see him? He had made it quite clear about breaking up. But there's nothiing wrong with visiting… a friend? Would he want to be friends? What are they now anyway? The answer is still ambiguous.
It is quite frustrating to not know how to act or the boundaries regarding their relationship. He doesn't know if he is fraturing Sanghyeok's wishes. Regardless, the silence is killing him.
Jihoon wants to see him so bad. Despite being so aware that feelings will get in the way of their interaction, he still wants to have Sanghyeok in his daily life.
How is it that Jihoon is the only one suffering after the breakup? How come he cannot let this go even though he knows it would eventually hurt both of them? Is he really that selfish to be putting his feelings first over Sanghyeok's clear wishes?
He exhales slowly, not realising tears are already rolling down his cheeks. When he turns, he catches Suhwan on his way to the dorm, scrolling on his phone.
He looks around for a place to hide, but to no avail. As the ADC is getting nearer, he decides to just surrender himself. He wipes his tears hastily with the back of his hand and pretends that he is walking forward.
Suhwan looks surprised to see him here. He gives a smile regardless, addressing him, "Hyung, haven't seen you in a while. Here for Sanghyeok hyung?"
He is so fucked.
"Ah," he makes a thinking sound, avoiding eye contact. "No. Not for him. We…" he trails off, realising something.
If Suhwan is clueless, Sanghyeok might not have told him about their breakup yet. So he's allowed to lie.
Jihoon takes the risk. "I just sent him home."
"Oh," Suhwan replies softly immediately, nodding. "That's great. He's been in a bad mood lately. So Minseok and I were thinking of bringing him out during the weekend. Looks like you beat us to it."
Bad mood? Sanghyeok hyung? Really? How so?
"I see," he says, afraid to think much of it. "Go on with that plan. Don't let me ruin it."
Suhwan seems confused and looks like he wants to ask, but he nods again instead. "Okay."
Jihoon waves him goodbye as he walks past him, releasing a sigh of relief that his white lie worked.
The next time he does see Sanghyeok is on the rift.
Sanghyeok doesn't remain eye contact like he frequently does when they fistbump. His gaze is glued to the floor, as if it's more interesting than Jihoon himself.
Jihoon can't help but feel off, but he also can't blame him, considering how he's been acting these few days.
He walks to his seat, pulling out the chair while stealing a glance at his past lover, his lips pursed in a line and chest tightening while pain surges through his body.
Sanghyeok doesn't seem to notice him, lost in his own thoughts, possibly suffering on his own. That's so like him. He doubts the rest of T1 knows about their situation right now.
Jihoon looks down to his keyboard as he sits down, pretending to adjust his keyboard even though he has done it before walking on the stage, just finding something to do. Something distracting so that he doesn't have to think or feel. Or risk another look at Sanghyeok.
It really doesn't help that they're always facing each other. He can find him easily. He always does anyway.
The drafting goes well as usual. The others are always having fun during this period, and if they realised Jihoon isn't joking as much as before, they didn't comment on it.
He picks Ahri. And he can see Sanghyeok's unreadable expression when he locks her in with the change of skin, the same one he used last scrim.
A quick indication of pain shows on Sanghyeok's face like lightning before the usual poker face.
But Jihoon saw it.
It hurts him, just as much.
He gulps.
What have he done?
He takes a deep breath, hands entering the game shop and purchasing items, all to disguise the storm inside. He doesn't spare a glance at Sanghyeok again. It'll only be worse.
He makes Ahri charge to the mid lane, placing a ward and turning all his attention to the game.
Nothing has changed.
Jihoon still feels guilty but satisfied with and proud of his win. It's not new.
Sanghyeok's face when he goes down the line for the fistbump is an expression of sourness, like something has greatly altered for him or nothing worked like he wanted to.
Jihoon doesn't want to think much of it. But his thoughts are filled with his ex-boyfriend while walking back to Gen.G's waiting room, even when he tells himself that he will get over it one day
If these feelings persist, then what was the point of breaking up? He doesn't know. He doesn't even want to think about it.
Though he does imagine Sanghyeok back in T1's waiting room. His back slouched on the couch, the only time he has allowed his posture to be unhealthy, only for a while. He pictures Sanghyeok throwing his head back against the back cushions, eyes shut, letting his feelings overwhelm him. Thinking back of his mistakes. Sanghyeok tends to do that. Jihoon has loitered in the same waiting room after their matches since they started dating to know at least that much.
Sanghyeok is hard on or holds high regard for himself, and despite that being one of the reasons why Jihoon fell for him in the first place, it's not a great trait to have after a loss.
He groans in frustration, spinning his heels and announcing to his teammates that he is going to take a stroll outside. He doesn't manage to head out when he sees Siwoo on his phone near their waiting room. He already knows he is here to see Jaehyuk, but it doesn't hurt to have a brief conversation with a friend you seldom see these days. So he approaches him, long strides towards him with an amiable smile.
It doesn't take long for Siwoo to notice him. The support flashes him a smile, a hand raised to pat his back like the social butterfly he is.
Jihoon shakes his head, pretending to hate the gesture.
"Jihoon-ah, I saw you out there. Great as always. Sanghyeok hyung must be proud of you," Siwoo says in greeting.
Jihoon's smile drops at mention of his ex-lover, trying his best to hide his inner turmoil. "Yeah…"
Siwoo notices something is wrong. He always does, despite his carefree personality. "You okay? You two fought?"
Jihoon wishes that it's only a fight. They argue about ridiculous things: one vs ones; champion picks; chess strategies; anime or manga plots that Jihoon reads and Sanghyeok thinks it's outrageous. It's never about serious stuff.
He scrunches his nose in consideration of his words, finally replying after a moment or silence, "We broke up."
Siwoo's brow twitches, furrowed in surprise and confusion. "Huh? What happened? You two were so in love." He pats Jihoon's shoulder, whispering a little teasingly, "Remember when I had to suffer through your whining just because Sanghyeok hyung had a company dinner and you missed him."
Jihoon sighs, not even having the energy to retort whatever Siwoo just said. He gives up the idea of sulking outside as he goes to a quieter area and lets Siwoo follow him.
They settle at the corner of the floor with the view of the city from the window.
Jihoon leans against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. He takes a deep breath, then replies, "We're rivals. We're not in the same team."
Siwoo doesn't seem to get his point. "So is Jaehyuk and I."
Jihoon snorts. "It's different. Hyung and I will always be in opposite teams. I'm his greatest rival. We're supposed to keep competing. We can't make a great couple. It's like… having to kill each other in anime. There's always sadness and happiness after a match, even envy at times. It's confusing."
Siwoo slams his forehead and taps on his temples, massaging it. "Ah, I see where this is going." His back hits the wall as he slides down until his butt lands on the floor, knees to his chest when he hugs them. "Both of you think it's not practical to be together when you're facing each other on the rift all the time and your emotions get in the way."
Jihoon pauses, then nods.
Siwoo sighs like he's dealing with a child, pursing his lips. "You two really know nothing but LoL."
Before Jihoon can defend himself, Siwoo speaks again. "When Jaehyuk decided to go to LPL, I also wanted to part ways."
His gaze never left the floor, like there is something interesting about it. He takes a pause, tongue darting out to lick his lips. "It was silly, really. I felt like our relationship would fail just because he was going to China, and we would have to compete in MSI or Worlds. Just the thought of him winning with another support sent me feral," Siwoo explains.
Jihoon had no idea about all these. He turns to Siwoo, looking guilty for not realising sooner.
Siwoo's eyes lift, seemingly sensing the stare from the younger player. He laughs, shaking his head.
"It's all in the past now," he reasons. "I'm telling you this so that you won't feel alone."
He shrugs, straightening his legs and folding forward to stretch his back. "We didn't split in the end. When Jaehyuk knew about this, he gave me so much reassurances. He told me that it was better to go through our wins and losses together, we don't have to feel bad for each other because we know our strengths. Look at us now." Siwoo widens his arms like he's showing off his achievements, laughing maniacally like a villain in a movie. "Of course, it's not easy. I'm more emotional than I look."
He disregards Jihoon's snort while resuming, "But isn't it better to spend every post-match together than apart? You'll still look for Sanghyeok hyung in the crowd or face him in the rift. You'll still think of him, wondering if he has eaten or he's okay. No matter what, right? I've felt it."
When Jihoon stays silent, Siwoo takes a peek at him, thinking that he crossed a line. It doesn't last long, because he sees Jihoon pouting while trying not to cry. Siwoo grimaces, rising to his feet almost immediately and starts patting Jihoon's shoulders.
"Hyung," Jihoon whines. "I'm sorry for not taking you seriously all the time."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Siwoo smacks the back of Jihoon's head, though his laughter exposes his fake anger. "I'm not asking you to go back to Sanghyeok hyung, Jihoon-ah. But it's still your decision if you want to try again with him or talk again."
"I do," Jihoon states, hooking an arm around Siwoo's. "Give me some encouragement."
Siwoo snickers, his free hand reaching upwards and stroking the soft short brustles of Jihoon's bald head. "It'll work out."
When Jihoon knocks on the door on T1's waiting room, he does not expect the door to swing open in an instant. He takes a step in without being invited, looking past the loud curse that comes out of Hyeonjun's mouth as he pushes his way inside the room like he owns the place.
When he locates Sanghyeok seated near the computers, eyes closed and meditating, he slows his pace. The room is silent when he reaches in front of Sanghyeok, all focused on them.
He bends down, knees hitting the floor like a bell, announcing that he is here.
He knows Sanghyeok senses his presence when his eyes crack open.
"Jihoon-ah," he mumbles the moment he sees Jihoon, his name once again filled with unfiltered adoration. "What are you doing here? You just won, you should be with your team celebrating."
At the corner of his eyes, Jihoon can see Minseok visibly trying to keep his mouth shut, as if wanting to retaliate to whatever Sanghyeok has told him. He appreciates it, but he forces himself to ignore it for now.
He takes a deep breath, shoulders rising with his inhale, then holds one of Sanghyeok's hands easily. He takes it and places their hands on Sanghyeok's lap before looking up at him with a smile.
"I have something more important here," Jihoon answers, standing up and pulling Sanghyeok's hand with him. "Come. I want—no, need to tell you something."
Sanghyeok obeys. He pushes off the chair and follows Jihoon. Before Minseok can follow them, Jihoon slams the door after he had gotten Sanghyeok out.
The walk stays quiet. No one says a thing. Only serenity.
Jihoon can feel the cold hand in his grip shaking. He doesn't blame him, not really.
When they finally reach a corner of the LoL park, Jihoon turns around and faces Sanghyeok. Both hands in his.
He takes his time. To observe him. To really look at him. To see if he is okay.
Sanghyeok clearly hasn't been taking care of himself. He appears composed as usual, but now that Jihoon is closer to him, he can see his eyebags; the greyish circles under his eyes that hint sleepless nights; the pinkish rim around his eyes that protrudes from the puffiness after lots of crying; the lost spark in his eyes that was once there whenever Jihoon admired him. Sanghyeok's face has lost colour, and Jihoon blames himself for not noticing earlier. Because they are so obvious. Why didn't he? How could he think Sanghyeok isn't suffering as much as he is?
Sanghyeok averts his gaze, eyes down on the pavement, ears flushed in embarrassment from Jihoon's stare.
Jihoon pulls him in, his hands swinging to his sides backwards, letting the momentum bring Sanghyeok in his embrace.
Sanghyeok's soft gasp doesn't faze him. He smiles, arms finding their familiar places and recognising them—the back of Sanghyeok's neck and around his waist.
At first, he feels Sanghyeok resist, his body tensing up and not allowing himself to feel at ease. Then, gradually, he hears a restrained sob. Just like that, the dam breaks.
Sanghyeok starts crying. In his arms.
Jihoon holds him through it, not letting him go. Not after all their time apart. He strokes his hair, hand gliding through like he has done this a thousand times, whispering 'it's okay' over and over into Sanghyeok's ears like a mantra.
After some time, in contrast of the bravery for the feat, his lips timidly brushes against Sanghyeok's temple. He places a chaste kiss, closing his eyes, relishing in this feeling like he is home. Slowly, he places kisses after kisses, peppering Sanghyeok's upper head with soft smooches full of unspoken reassurances.
When Sanghyeok eventually calms down, Jihoon breaks the hug reluctantly. His hand slides down to Sanghyeok's cheek and swipes a thumb just under his eye, cleaning some tears away. His sleeves are soaked with Sanghyeok's tears, but he would have this over whatever they had gone through the last couple weeks.
"Hyung," he begins. "Come back to me."
Sanghyeok dithers, saying out Jihoon's name again like he's protesting. "I told you—"
"I heard you, hyung," Jihoon interrupts him, a bit exasperated. "I really did. I've been respecting your decision. I tried not to think of you. I tried not to contact you. Hell, I tried not to see you. But Hyeokie hyung, I still look for you when I see T1. I still wonder if you're okay before our match. I still worry for you when I win, and fuck, I would want to see you even when you win against me. I want to be by your side when you win."
When Sanghyeok stays quiet, thinking deeply, Jihoon rambles on, "Siwoo hyung told me," Sanghyeok meets his eyes at the mention of the support. "That it would be better to spend post-matches together than apart. And I agree. I didn't want to break up, hyung. I never wanted to. It never crossed my mind. Let's get back together, hyung. Please?"
Sanghyeok gulps, fighting with himself. He pushes up his glasses like it's something grounding him from his ajar thoughts.
Jihoon waits. He doesn't want to pressure him. He said his part. The ball is in Sanghyeok's court. What he wants to do with it is his choice.
Although he would be lying if he said that he is not nervous. What if Sanghyeok maintains his decision after everything? What if Sanghyeok thinks he's not thinking practically? What if Sanghyeok thinks he's selfish?
Sanghyeok's mind is difficult to read. But the novelty is so Sanghyeok. So like the person he loves.
So he can be patient until Sanghyeok is ready.
"When I broke up with you," Sanghyeok begins, pulling Jihoon out of his thoughts. "I genuinely thought it would be beneficial to us. I thought… being together was painful, knowing that we'll always be at the other side of the rift."
He takes Jihoon's hands in his cold ones, circling his thumbs on Jihoon's palms lightly. "But I was wrong . Every day was painful. I couldn't tell anyone, because doesn't that mean the break becomes reality? Today, I realised that you being away is the most painful factor. There was no one to spend my loss or win with. No one to feel proud and sad with after every match. I wasn't sad because I lost."
He chuckles, taking forward to give Jihoon a hug. "I was sad because you weren't by my side."
Jihoon instinctively wraps his arms around Sanghyeok, closing his eyes and enjoying the warmth of the older man's body. He rests his chin on Sanghyeok's head, swaying their bodies side to side slowly like a dance in a gala but rooted in the same location, almost lifting Sanghyeok up.
"Jihoon-ah," Sanghyeok calls, continuing when Jihoon hums in reply. "I should be the one asking you to come back to me."
That earns a giggle from Jihoon. He nods, a smile forming on his lips. "Always, hyung. No matter what."
"They were broken up?!" Minseok's whisper-shouts at the players from both team and Siwoo huddled with him behind the pillar wall while watching the hugging couple.
"I figured it out when Jihoon was sulking in the practice room and he suddenly had lots of free time during the weekend," Giin answers with a shrug. "He would be whining to me about Sanghyeok hyung's late replies too."
"And remember the skin he always brags about? Do you know how much he sighed while looking at T1's Ahri skin? It crept me out so much," Jaehyuk adds, an arm around Siwoo's shoulders, shivering animatedly.
"Sanghyeok hyung also stopped checking his phone after practice," Hyunjoon says, nodding in agreement. "And he had been deep in thoughts. It's normal for him, but still it was… much."
Minseok clicks his tongue in annoyance. "Okay, admit it: Who else knew?" He rolls his eyes, folding four of his fingers into his palm repeatedly as a 'come on' gesture.
Everybody except Suhwan raises their hands.
Minseok groans, hands slapped over his face. "I'm dumb."
"So am I…" Suhwan's voice gradually becomes softer, eyes too focused on the couple who is now talking sweetly to each other, enjoying what he's seeing.
Then, the couple turns over.
"Wait! Wait! They're coming!" Hyeonjun exclaims hurriedly, ushering all of them to go back to their waiting rooms.
The midlaners walks down the hallway hand-in-hand, full of smiles.
"Do they think we're blind and just can't see them or what?" Jihoon comments as he catches a whole group of people running in the opposite direction from them, entering their respective rooms.
"Jihoon-ah," Sanghyeok reprimands. "I think they were just worried about us. Let them have fun."
Jihoon laughs. He holds Sanghyeok's hand tighter, pulling him closer than he already is, arms touching each other. "Looks like we'll be just fine, hyung."
Sanghyeok smiles at that. "Yeah."