Chapter Text
“Okay, maybe not everyone, I would’ve lost my job by now if that were the case. Let me explain.
Hello and welcome to my first ever guide: how to be a failure (like me).
You may wonder: why would I want to become a failure? That’s it though. You don’t want to. But when someone already is one—like me—they might want to change that. Or like in my case: want to embrace it and strive anyway.
Let’s start with some basic tips.
Tip #1: Find a profession you like but involves something you hate.
I genuinely love making drinks and sweets. I always thought I was gonna end up owning a restaurant or a cafe—welp, have you checked real estate prices these days? It’s… a little too much money. Like “sell a kidney” too much. As a plan B, I applied for a culinary school but life happened and I dropped out. Sad, I know. But on the bright side: I completed a barista course, so I can make a pretty neat latte now. It would be lovely if I liked coffee… Oh well!
Tip #2: Get yourself a job where everyone gives you the stink-eye.
I work at a cafe, the Gentle Giant. (Free ads, what have I become?) You know, ‘cause our coffee is strong but smooth and sweet. Unless you like it bitter, then it’s just strong. Anyway I started a little over two months ago and well, my personality is… different than the others’. I’m loud, I speak my mind, I’m honest, I’m bold. And not everybody likes that. You know that moment when a group of people laughs and when an outsider goes near, they stop, glance at them with pure disgust and turn their backs on them? Yeah, like that.
Bonus Tip: Acquire a skill that makes your coworkers jealous. My charisma is so high level that when I offend a customer, they ask for me the next time too. I guess a wake up call really does make wonders sometimes, huh?
Tip #3: Survive.
Find something that keeps you there. For me—aside from a stable paycheck—it’s the customers I’ve gotten to know during these weeks. That editor who always rants about his boyfriend; the security guard who never goes on vacation (and she looks the bit too!); said security guard’s boss who is BEGGING her to take a day off; the “matcha girl” who wants to be an olympic champion in any sport and so on.
Now go, find your mildly off profession, apply for that unsettling job and try to outlive the obstacles.
If I could manage to keep this job for two months, you can do it too!
— Iuno, the school drop-out who managed to find a job (somehow)”
“Lavender iced latte for Brant,” Iuno’s voice rang through the lively conversations of the cafe.
“A life-saver, as always. Thank you,” he snagged the drink and almost immediately chugged half of it.
“Woah, slow down! Freezing your brain won’t make him text you back faster, you know.”
“I know, I know. But it stops my brain,” he sighed.
Iuno’s laughter echoed in the tiny space, drawing the attention of Augusta, the owner of this fine establishment. She was sitting near the counter, reviewing the quarter-year plans before their staff meeting. Head buried in her laptop, but her focus gradually shifted towards her employees.
The new girl had a special connection to many of their customers. Augusta herself knew their regulars by heart but not like Iuno did. She was working for her for less than two months, yet she memorized all the faces, names, orders and stories of them. She noticed her asking Zani about her vacation plans on Carlotta’s behalf; secretly putting protein powder on the orders so she and Lupa can find the perfect pre-workout energy bomb; forcing Phoebe on a break from studying when she herself should be resting and so on.
But despite her being the customer’s favorite, she didn’t quite find her place as a coworker. She was in the same shift as Yinlin and Phrolova—and Augusta knew it was going to be a challenge for Iuno to be accepted by these two.
Yinlin was a part-time barista, only coming in during the shift’s busiest hours. She was an exchange student at the local university and this job seemed like a perfect fit for her. Her skills were exceptional and she usually got along with the customers as well—but she often got bored and started teasing others. Coworkers or innocent passerbies—it didn’t really matter to her.
Phrolova was the first barista this cafe ever had. She originally applied for this job out of desperation after her last breakup to keep herself occupied. But after seeing her ex buying coffee here, she slowly started enjoying how she could mess with their head behind the counter.
Neither is perfect but they are needed. Putting this girl made of sunshine and laughter felt a little cruel but keeping variety at the shifts’ staff was essential.
“Look who dared to show up here again.”
Augusta didn’t have to turn to guess who stepped in. Phrolova’s bitter remark was unmistakable. But in the end, she did turn when she heard the new girl’s voice, biting back with such a natural ease, it could’ve been unintentional.
“Don’t mind her, Rover. She’s always this moody,” she giggled. “The usual?”
The tension became almost tangible. Phrolova crossed her arms, her death-stare was directed at both the regular and Iuno, but she stayed silent. The blue haired one smiled in amusement—she probably didn’t want to piss off her colleague but it was a bonus. Rover, eyes still locked on Phrolova, nodded.
“Alright,” Iuno chirped in the most natural way, as if she never noticed the quiet battle between the two. “A caramel macchiato for you and a simple cappuccino for your boss coming up.”
“Make that macchiato extra sweet this time. I’m tired of the bitterness,” they finally spoke.
The owner forgot to breathe during these unsettling moments. She was certain she had to intervene, but she was surprised by Iuno charming her way through them. She smiled to herself before shutting the laptop and heading back to her office.
Augusta knew of Rover’s past—they were Phrolova’s partner once. And their relationship ended in a mess, leaving both of them miserable. They were the reason Phrolova decided on a fresh start as anything but what she did before, that’s how she ended being here. Unfortunately for her, Rover’s boss loves Gentle Giant, so they’re forced to meet every once in a while. And it’s always like this. Augusta promised her once that her behavior towards them won’t matter, yet when it threatened the new girl’s work, she had to hold herself back before jumping to action. Why would she ever do that?
After Rover thanked the coffees and left the building, Phrolova cornered Iuno. Her expression was filled with anger, ears turned to red.
“Pull a stunt like that again and I make your life here unbearable.” She didn’t raise her voice, but it still spit daggers. “You better start acting like you know where your place is, newbie.”
“Hmph, sure thing,” Iuno smiled. She couldn’t be messed with so easily. “Next time I just let you drive away our customers with your attitude. We’ll see how our manager’ll like losing a regular.”
Phrolova’s stare was a declaration of war in itself. “Fine. Two can play that game.”
And she left, simple as that. And Iuno recognized her doom. She sighed as she watched her back.
Notes:
Tips for slowly destroying your career:
Step 1: Be better at your job than your coworker. Make sure you show off.
Step 2: Embarrass them in front of a client/customer/buyer/partner (whatever you call them in your field). Make sure other coworkers (and preferably your boss) see it.
Step 3: When they warn you about consequences, bite back.
After completing these steps, they will probably end either you or your career. Congrats!
Edit: they just informed me that the one I embarrassed my colleague in front… was her ex… So there is that. Auch.