Work Text:
Arnaud held his shako weakly at his side, hand clenched at the edges as his whole body shook like a leaf about to be blown away by the autumn breeze.
Jean stood only five feet away barely outside the church doors, gaze fixed on the floor.
Any words he had, tied themselves into a knot so tightly in the back of his throat only choked sobs came out, and Louise did nothing to relieve the painful divide growing evermore between them.
Arnaud knew it was all too good to be true, that he shouldn’t have been so vulnerable with him, that he should’ve ripped any feelings he had for the other man at the root while he still could without regret. Even now, however dumb as it may sound, he wanted to believe there was another way. Some sort of happy ending for them. An ending that wasn’t pathed with blood and decorated in corpses. An ending where they were together, happy forever.
Though Officer Louise seemed firm in his decision to go, not sparing even a small gesture of comfort towards him.
He was ready to go, he had to go.
Arnaud just wasn’t ready for him to leave.
As childish, selfish and stupid as it was. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t care how many times they had fought recently, he didn’t really want him gone even after all that was said and done.
How would he sleep with no one beside him?
What would he do if a runner snuck up behind him?
How would he work without his officer to command him?
How could Louise give up on them so easily?
Was he not good enough?
Could Louise not rely on him to ground him through thick and thin? Did he miss something between the chaos that deepened the wedge between them so much, the crack it made could not be repaired?
Or was he just a fool for thinking the officer ever wanted anything more than a few nights together?
“I hate you,” Arnaud’s voice cracked, high and strangled by the wave of sadness and anger tearing through his heart. “Just leave then. Leave me! Get out! I hate you Captain Louise!”
He threw his shako at Jean who didn’t react as it hit his chest and went clattering to the ground, rolling away somewhere outside. There was nothing keeping the tears from spilling out his eyes now, the lack of reaction from the other just upsetting him further.
“Okay,” Jean turned around slowly, his steps heavy and loud carrying the weight of their grief as he moved.
Arnaud could only watch, angry, helpless as he watched him leave slowly. The officer’s once prideful visage weathered away to a weary husk. He felt sick seeing his… The officer trudge off towards certain death. It made him want to puke the way he clenched one of his arms and hunched over like a coward.
“Arnaud… I…” Jean turned back, speaking softly with a shake in his voice.
“Don’t you dare! Go! Leave me alone you freak!” Arnaud snapped; he couldn't bear it anymore! He didn’t want to hear anything that stupid man had to say! Even when he saw the other recoil and meet his gaze, his own eyes just as glassy as his with tears staining his sunken cheeks. He couldn’t take it anymore; he needed him to go. The officer had made up his mind and so had he.
Even as he heard Jean’s own quiet cries as he faded into the distance, he refused to chase him. Refuse to let himself ever be that weak for him again. He knew it was pointless; he'd just end up even more hurt if he did.
He could make it alone anyway. He’d made it alone for most of his life; he'd be fine without him anyway. It’d just be him again and that’d be fine. In his own world alone. Locked in this church alone.
Cold and alone.
The last orange leaf to give in and fall under the harsh autumn breeze. Curling up and dying alone on that cold, dirt floor just before winter set in to bury their secrets with them.
Arnaud cried, pressed into the corner curled into a ball. Hoping he too would soon disappear.