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I’ve always been an inherently selfish person – and there was no denying that. I hid myself away from the world and continued to run away in the face of any promise of connection. I grew comfortable with the way people looked down on me, and anything that deviated felt nothing short of terrifying. I grew up sheltered – I built walls that I refused to break down. I wanted so badly to be a part of something bigger, but I was the one holding myself back from the greenery on the other side all this time. When I look back on those days from where I am now, I can’t help but laugh. I’d wished for nothing more than to feel good about myself, and now that I’ve finally achieved it… I can’t help but call the younger me an idiot for never taking that first step towards something larger than life itself.
I owe a lot of my ‘today’ to Kaoruko. I remember the empty pastry parchment sitting on her desk, and I also remember the way she seemed so flustered when I caught her eye. Apparently, that wasn’t really my ‘first’ time meeting her – but it was definitely the first time I’d truly found something new. Her smile was this adorable mix of relief and anxiousness all at the same time, and I couldn’t help but relate.
Blurting out my confession so boldly was more humiliating than anything else. I could barely sleep that night because I felt so humiliated. But it was Kaoruko who went on this monologue about how she’s loved me – not just the idea of me. I couldn’t help but cave in right then and there, and ever since, I’ve discovered so many new ‘somethings’. My friends and I probably wouldn’t be where we are today without Kaoruko – so it’s safe to say I owe her a lot more than I can manage to admit sometimes. She really was the first light of my dark, bleak world. I love her more than anything.
It’s been a year or so since everything, and graduation’s right around the corner. I obviously couldn’t be prouder than her – but I can’t help but feel like she’s grown sick of the cakes I keep baking for her. I want to get her something special, something that’d make her light up the same way I did when I caught her eye from the windows of my classroom. I got her a necklace on the holidays, so another one was totally out of the question… There was still so much I didn’t know about Kaoruko, no matter how much I asked and spoke to her. She really deserves just about anything the world could provide her.
I tried asking Subaru for help, but even she seemed a little lost about what I should get for Kaoruko. It needed to have some form of romantic pretense, and… well… Subaru doesn’t exactly have a knack for that sort of thing. I defeatedly sighed and looked out my bedroom window, burying my head in my knees. Kaoruko was always thinking of others and seeing people in the littlest things – it was yet another adorable trait of hers out of the thousands I could list right off the top of my head.
I know Kaoruko would say she’d be happy with just about anything, but there was nothing more I wanted than to really impress her with something she’d want to keep. She got me earrings on my birthday – and I hadn’t dared to take them off ever since I first put them on. Shohei was ruthlessly teasing me for a good few weeks… but even he started to see that it was getting a little redundant.
Funnily enough, Kaoruko doesn’t have her ears pierced. I assume it’s to do with Kikyo’s dress code, but I’ve always liked to believe that she’d look adorable with those studs I wore when I first started piercing my ears. I’d realized I was going completely off-topic, so I circled back to the topic of graduation presents. I still couldn’t come up with any worthwhile ideas, and it was practically eating me alive. I wasn’t about to go around asking everyone I knew over something as personal as a gift, so I started pacing around back and forth in my room.
I did as I always do and began jotting down ideas in my notebook. It wasn’t long before they were crossed out and crumpled, but it was the thought that counts… right? Shopping for her was so, so much more difficult than I wanted to be. I’m barely good with words – and I also apparently suck with gift-giving. This isn’t exactly good boyfriend behavior.
When I went to school the next morning, I could barely focus on anything that was going on in front of me. I kept staring out the window, my eyes locked onto Kikyo's closed curtains, hoping that I could see Kaoruko through some miraculous means. A part of me was also hoping that I would come to some sort of miraculous conclusion after a life-changing experience, but I think I’ve gone through enough changes in life for now… I can’t handle another crisis to deal with.
I pulled out my phone from under my desk, going through my extensive search history that consisted of things like “good graduation gift ideas” and “presents to get for a girlfriend”. I searched up something along those lines again, and I got the same crappy results I always did. None of these felt personal to Kaoruko – none of this captured the essence of the star student of Kikyo Girls’ Academy who had the brightest future ahead of her. I kept trying to immerse myself in that train of thought, but all I got in return were dead ends and roadblocks. It was killing me.
“—Taro! Rintaro! Duuude… Dude! Pull yourself together!” were the faintest words I could hear after being in such a long trance. I jumped out of my seat when I saw Shohei’s face only a few centimeters away from mine – earning hysterical laughter out of Yorita and a meek chuckle from Natsusawa. I groaned and slammed my head against the desk, feeling Shohei’s hands ruffle my hair like I was some sort of elementary schooler who lost a contest. “Rintaro, my guy… you’ve been so out of it that you didn’t even realize good ol’ Tsuka-Sensei was asking you about… like… everything! Get your head back in the game!” hollered Shohei, much to my humiliation. I always tended to drown out the world around me with my thoughts, but was it really that bad?
Yorita ‘tsked’ and nodded his head along with Shohei, adding some sort of fuel to the fire. While Shohei was still busy laughing over the situation, Yorita ended up being a lot more upfront. “What’s gotten you so distracted this time? You can’t afford to be so dismissive with finals right around the corner…” muttered Yorita. He grit his teeth at the thought of the exams, and Shohei went from laughing to weeping in a matter of seconds all while begging Natsusawa to teach him about all the material. Expectedly – Natsusawa caved after the promise of a reward.
“...I can’t decide on what to get Kaoruko for her graduation present. I’ve been thinking about it for ages, but nothing’s coming to me,” I admitted. The three keenly stared into my eyes, rubbing their hands on their chins. I chuckled awkwardly and prayed that they weren’t judging me – but at this point – I had no idea anymore. Natsusawa looked over at my notebook full of crossed ideas instead of formulas and shook his head in disappointment, in some form of disbelief over the fact that this was what was taking up all my headspace.
Natsusawa tore out the pages that were filled with nonsense, tossing them in the bin. I would’ve fought back – but I was probably going to throw them away anyway. “You’re looking at it from the wrong direction. Graduating’s all about closing the book and starting a new one, not continuing to ruminate on the past and the old stuff you liked back in your second and third year of highschool. Don’t think of the ‘now’ Kaoruko, think of the Kaoruko that’ll be clinging to your gift of choice during her first day of university. What do you picture that to be, Rintaro?” instigated Natsusawa. I stared at him dumbfoundedly, but there was something about the word ‘picture’ that sparked an idea in my head. The Kaoruko of the future… All I could imagine was walking her on my way to work.
But then it struck me what kind of person Kaoruko wanted to be. She was all about living in the moment and looking back with fondness – she loved the sense of accomplishment and the memories she made. She loved the nostalgia of recalling the simpler times… it was obvious with the countless amount of selfies we had together on her phone. It was through that lens that I needed to start seeing things – and it wasn’t long before I thanked Natsusawa and the others while rushing off to the nearest electronics shop.
I couldn’t possibly be more impatient for the train to reach the stop I needed to get to. The place I knew was in a smaller, more reserved town – but I was willing to pay any amount of fares to see a new kind of smile on Kaoruko’s face. The smile of the Kaoruko that was marching towards her future. I shook my legs the whole ride through, but that didn’t do anything to ease my nerves. It was a losing battle.
I got off the train and continued to run as far as my legs would take me, ignoring all my surroundings and just following the GPS to the tech shop. When I got there, I had to spend a few minutes just catching my breath and making sure I wouldn’t pass out from exhaustion over something like a graduation present. I wasn’t willing to make my parents pay hospital bills after I planned on making such a pricey purchase.
I approached one of the specialists and asked them to show me the collection of polaroid cameras that they had. There were a lot of contenders for Kaoruko, but I wanted to find one that was both aesthetically pleasing and convenient enough for her to carry around on something like a lanyard – or even compact enough to simply fit in her bag. Who knows what kind of things Kaoruko wanted to capture?
“This one’s the latest model – but spring sales allow for cheaper prices,” stated the saleswoman. I pictured Kaoruko holding it up to her face, taking a photograph of something that captured her interest. The image was a lot more vivid than the other ones, and the camera itself was also cute to look at. It was Kaoruko’s favorite shade of pink, after all. I looked at the price tag and froze in my tracks, shakily asking what the price would be after the discount. The saleswoman chuckled and ran it through a calculator, showing me the final result. It was easier to stomach –but it still wasn’t a number to scoff at. I called my mom and mentioned the idea (and the price tag) to her, and she was weirdly on board with the idea.
Well – she agreed but reassured me that I wouldn’t be getting allowance for the next few weeks. If it was for Kaoruko, I would’ve probably agreed to an even longer period of time – but I digress. I awkwardly waited for my parents to come by and help me pay off the price of the hefty polaroid camera, because it was only then I realized that I was only carrying around loose change that didn’t even cover a fraction of what the camera cost. The saleswoman was patient, and she went as far as to wrap it on the house just to pass the time.
It took them a little while, but I spotted the familiar blonde and black haired duo rushing into the shop with their wallets in hand. I bowed and thanked them endlessly, but all I got was a chop to the neck from my mom. “You can get to the sappy theatrics after we get the receipt – alright?” scolded my mom. I nodded my head and couldn’t help but smile when I held the wrapped camera in my hands, paying no mind to my dad who looked like he’d come back from war. My mom laughed and walked in between us, wrapping her arms around our necks. “Now you go along and meet up with Kaoruko, you hear me? It’s not every day that I hear our Rintaro wants to buy a pretty present for his sweet Waguri!” teased my mom. I rolled my eyes and whispered thanks, and regrettably… she heard.
Conveniently enough, I had a date planned with Kaoruko that evening. I took the train directly to the station she promised to meet me at, placing the present in a gift bag that was also handed to me as a little trinket. It was never hard to spot Kaoruko in a crowd – she always stood out in the best way possible. I waved over to her when I stepped out of the train, squeezing my way through the crowds of people both going in and leaving the train. Kaoruko jumped up and down as she waited, snickering with the warm excitement that always managed to make my face flush a dangerously deep red.
She held onto my hand as we made our way through the rest of the crowds, and she continued to hold my hand all the way until we made it to the park. It was a nice night out – and Kaoruko mentioned that she wanted to do something a little outdoorsy tonight. I was the one who suggested stargazing, and it was how we ended up laying down on a remote hill talking about our days and all the other mundane parts of life that made it all the more thrilling to experience moments like these with Kaoruko.
While she never directly asked about it, it was clear that Kaoruko was absurdly curious about the gift bag. I’d planned to give it to her at the end of our date – but when she looked at me with that kind of anticipation – I could only fight back for so long. “You wanna know what’s in here, right?” I asked, smiling and meeting her eyes that were twice as beautiful as the stars overhead. Kaoruko looked right back and smiled, intent on finding out. “Is it a cake you wanted to eat together? Oh, oh – is it tea?!” guessed Kaoruko, earning a laugh out of me. “Subaru’s the one who’d probably bring cake and tea to something like this,” I commented. Kaoruko nodded her head and tried to sneak a glance into the bag, but I just ended up handing it to her either way. She looked surprised for a few moments, constantly switching her gaze between the wrapped camera and my face.
“Congratulations on graduating from Kikyo, Kaoruko. I hope you’ll have twice as many memories in university,” I softly said. I could see her face flush as she pulled out the box from the bag, gently unwrapping it with her delicate touch. The more she got off, the more her face lit up. It was the exact reaction I was hoping to see – and it did not disappoint.
“...Rintaro, you got me a camera? The real deal kind of camera! The– oh my God!” shrieked Kaoruko, unboxing the camera and holding the actual thing in her hands. She rotated it up, down, left, right, and just about every other direction in order to process whatever she was seeing. I smiled and snickered – but if I had to be honest – I was over the moon to see her so excited. She deserved to feel happy after all those restless days and nights of studying and stress. The Kaoruko of the future deserves all the best things in the world.
“I thought it’d be nice for you to have some way of capturing all the new memories and experiences you’ll have in university… but if I had to be honest – I couldn’t have thought of it without Natsusawa’s help,” I noted. Kaoruko smiled from ear-to-ear, and so did I. My face was as red as ever – but hers was too. She turned the camera on and held it up to her eye, adjusting the focus to get both the stars and… me… in the frame. She grinned and snapped her very first picture, eagerly waiting as it printed and as the ink dried. I assumed she knew that camera film was pricey and nothing to laugh at – but she chose something like this as her first picture.
“Now I have something to hang up in my university’s dorm room whenever I need a push to keep me going!” declared Kaoruko, holding the now-dry picture to her heart. I stammered with my words and let out a few shrill noises, instinctively sitting upright. “I would’ve assumed you wanted something more special as your very first photograph…” I uttered. Kaoruko tilted her head in what looked like genuine confusion, before giving me a response that was probably enough to knock me dead.
“Rintaro, what could possibly be more special than you?” she asked. She phrased it like it was a genuine question – and I froze once again right then and there. I leaned in a little and planted a kiss on her cheek, whispering an ‘I love you’. She was a little surprised for a few moments, but she boldly stated that she loved me too and gently tucked the photograph in her bag. She put the polaroid camera back in its gift bag, promising that she’d take all sorts of pictures to show me and journal about in university. She also said that she’d have a present for me the next time we met up – but to be honest – this was a gift enough. I didn’t need anything but her.