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It was dark, and cold. Felix knew that much. He was very, very cold.
Which was odd, because he was indoors. He was in the JYP training dance rooms, practicing endlessly. He had been at it for who knows how long. His eyes were too tired to read the clock on the wall.
But he needed to do this. Needed to finally get this right, perfect this stupid dance that he had fucked up in earlier practice that day. Not even twice. Multiple times. Even thinking back on it, his stomach sank with guilt. He could see it on the other members’ faces. Minho’s tired sigh, Jisung’s soft glance of disappointment, Chan’s quiet pity.
He hated it. Not their reactions, but the fact that he had caused them. He was in their danceracha, for God’s sake. He was one of their main dancers, his entire job was to be able to master these dances. But he couldn’t, of course he couldn’t.
Sometimes, Felix wished someone would help him. Or work with him. Or something, just so he wasn’t alone. But real men don’t need other people, right?
So now, here he was. In the training room so long it was definitely morning by now, so tired he was dizzy, but still stubbornly continuing. He needed to do better. He needed to do this. So he did.
But he knew at some point, he did need to go back to the dorm. He was struggling faintly to stand, and dancing was doing him no good at this point, because he seriously doubted his brain was processing anything except exhaustion right now.
And he knew his members might worry if he wasn’t back when they woke up. It was so late, even Chan had gone back, and it was a feat among the group to beat him in staying up.
After attempting another round of the dance, Felix gave up. He had stumbled too many times, could barely see his feet, and the music that had been played over and over for hours on end was grating his ears in a way that made him want to scream.
He tiredly grabbed his bag and zipped up his jacket, slipping his phone into his pocket as he quietly made his way out of the practice room, head bowed and eyes heavy. He made it out of the back exit of the building, stumbling onto the sidewalk.
Felix stared at his feet for a long moment as he walked down the block towards his dorms. Just put one foot in front of the other.
It took him at least a minute to realize it was raining, and only when a drop of water dripped down the back of his neck. God, he really was out of it. He sluggishly pulled up his hood, exhaustion weighing down every movement.
He was so, so tired. He knew he shouldn't have stayed this late. It was becoming more of a norm for him. He was fucking up the dancing more, which equaled more work after their schedule. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Felix’s, and he knew that. But goddamnit, he wanted to sleep.
All he could think about was how every rough shiver, every stumbled step, brought him a little closer to his dorm, a heater, and his bed.
Felix somehow made it to the dorm building. It took all of his energy to press his floor on the elevator, to drag himself down the hallway, to fumble his key into his lock. He was still soaking wet, his body leaving a wet trail of his pathetic-ness through the dorms.
Seungmin was asleep, thank God. It surprised Felix that he was somehow out late enough to even beat his roommates League of Legends nightly grind.
Felix made it into his room, barely having enough energy to slip off his sopping shoes before he stumbled towards his bed. He vaguely remembered that he was still drenched, and wearing his dance clothes, but exhaustion was weighing over him like a cloud. As he collapsed onto his bed, all he could feel was sleep, heavy and suffocating like dirt over a coffin.
—
Felix was slowly and painfully dragged back into consciousness by the sound of a door slamming open.
“Felix! Felix Hyung, do you have– what happened to you?”
The boy let out a slow, rough groan, before shivering rather violently. As he gradually started to regain his senses, he realized he was still wet. And very, very cold. Yeah, he was definitely cold. Another shiver proved that. He could feel his water-logged clothes clinging to him, and he could barely feel his fingers.
Eventually he realized that voice actually belonged to someone, and that he needed to respond, so he lifted his head. Then regretted it, as it throbbed painfully. “Huh?” He rasped.
It was Seungmin, who for once looked concerned. But not for Felix, apparently. “Jeongin woke up sick.”
Felix blinked sluggishly for a moment, and he had the urge to ask who the hell Jeongin was. Then his mind finally caught up, and his brow furrowed faintly. “Is he okay?”
Seungmin shrugged. “He’s not dying, but he’s not great either. We’re all worried about him.” The younger boy’s eyes snagged on Felix’s soaked bed. “What the hell happened? You decided to take a swim in and out of your dreams?”
Felix shivered again at the reminder. “I– uh.. just got home late.” He forced himself up, ignoring the way his arms trembled. Seungmin didn’t need to know the truth. Real men suck it in. Felix didn’t need to bother him. Seungmin had his own problems.
Surprisingly, Seungmin didn’t seem to care at all. Instead he shrugged, stepping back out of the room. “We’re all gonna be hanging out at Jeongin and Chan’s dorm, come join us. And bring painkillers, Iennah needs them.”
Felix nodded slowly, swallowing rather harshly. His throat ached. Was he sick? The thought of painkillers not for Jeongin, but for himself, sounded amazing right now. “Yeah, okay.”
Seungmin left again, shutting the door way too loudly for his aching head. Felix flinched again, and wanted to just bury himself back in his bed. God, he was still so tired. But he needed to get up. Sure, he felt like crap, but that was his fault. And the group didn’t need anymore shit on their hands right now, with or without Jeongin being sick.
—
Felix had somehow managed to shower and change into dry clothes, and was now standing in front of the mirror, staring dully at his reflection. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his skin was pale, freckles standing out even more prominently than usual. His head ached, but his stomach had begun to as well. Despite being dry, he shivered again. Why was it so cold in here? Did Seungmin turn off the heat?
He slowly remembered he needed to get painkillers for Jeongin. Felix stared blankly at the counter for a moment, trying to remember what exactly painkillers were and where they were kept. He finally seemed to process the thought, and reached up to the cabinet, grabbing the bottle. He paused. Maybe he should take some? Just to keep him on his feet. His head ached harshly, adding to the thought. He opened the bottle glancing inside. There weren’t that many left, only five or so.
Felix sighed, topping the bottle without taking a pill. There were too few left, so he needed to save them for Jeongin. The maknae was the one who was actually sick, anyway, and not the one who had just decided to walk home in pouring rain like an idiot.
He made his way out of his and Seungmin’s dorm, slowly dragging his feet towards Jeongin and Bangchan’s instead. Felix reached their door, looking tiredly at it for a moment before knocking.
It took a moment, but finally it opened, Jisung’s face greeting him. “Lix! Did you bring painkillers? Seungmin said you would.” His voice was loud. And fast. It made Felix’s head hurt.
“I– yeah.” He mumbled in reply, handing the boy the bottle. He realized his hands were shaking, and wondered dully if Jisung would notice. He didn’t.
Instead, Jisung grabbed the bottle, almost bouncing energetically as he turned back to the dorm. “Channie! I got painkillers~”
Felix watched as he bounded away, before slowly trudging after him. It was odd. Usually he would be happy to join Jisung in his energy spurts, but today, he was exhausted. Thank god no one seemed to notice, though. He couldn’t have the attention taken away from Jeongin, their maknae needed to be able to be cared for.
Every member was already in the dorm, Felix being the last one. Changbin was seated on the couch, Hyunjin was bustling around the kitchen doing god-knows-what, and Chan was walking around with an armfull of blankets. Minho must have been in the room with Jeongin. Jisung went straight up to Chan, showing him the painkillers.
Chan talked with the younger boy for a moment, before he looked behind Jisung, meeting Felix’s gaze. Felix shrunk slightly, expecting his hyung to notice something was off. He was always the most observant, other than maybe Minho. But surprisingly, the older boy didn’t. He just turned back to Jisung after shooting Felix a tired smile.
Felix blinked in slight surprise, but also relief. He didn’t need Chan knowing or worrying. Real men didn’t flinch, or bleed in public. Or be sick, especially when another member was. He approached Chan and Jisung, and hoarsely asked: “What’s wrong with Jeongin?”
Chan glanced distractedly at him, before handing Jisung some things to bring to Minho and Jeongin. “We think he has the flu, or something.”
Felix nodded slowly, clearing his throat in an attempt to fix his voice. “That’s, uh…” He paused for a long moment, trying to remember why he was here and who he was talking about. What was he saying again? “Not great?” He said it more like a question, but the leader didn’t seem to notice. Instead, he was already walking off, presumably to go check on Jeongin.
He heard someone come up behind him, but didn’t fully process it, so he jumped slightly when the person touched his shoulder. “Hey, Felix-ah.” It was Hyunjin.
Felix finally turned around to the taller member. “Yeah?” He swallowed down a cough, his throat aching, despite how little he had used his voice.
Hyunjin didn’t notice, which Felix felt like he shouldn’t be surprised by. No one had noticed so far. But he was the closest to Hyunjin, other than Chan, maybe, so the older boy was always pretty observant towards him. Apparently not today. “Do you have fever reducers?”
Felix’s brow furrowed. Was he supposed to? “Uhh.. no?” Hyunjin’s lips pursed.
“Could you get some?” Felix blinked at him for a few seconds, his brain refusing to process the request at any normal speed.
“I– sure. I guess.” The blonde mumbled, trying to think of when he was going to get them. What was their schedule even like today? Felix hadn’t checked. He probably should. He didn’t even know what time it was right now. He should probably know that too. He should probably know a lot of things right now that he didn’t.
Hyunjin smiled. Usually, Felix would’ve smiled back, or tried to continue to keep him smiling. He liked Hyunjin’s smile. But right now, he had no energy to. He attempted a weak pull of his lips, but his throat ached, his head throbbed, and his legs felt wobbly. He didn’t really want to know what it ended up looking like.
God, he really was pathetic. Jeongin was sick, and all the other members were stressed and worried, and here he was acting off to top it all.
Hyunjin was already distracted, turning back to the kitchen. Felix’s ugly, traitorous mind had a brief flash of longing, for someone to actually acknowledge his pain. He shoved it down immediately, stifling a shiver.
These dorms were cold.
He knew they weren’t, not really.
—
By now, Felix was sure he was running some type of fever.
All of the members, spare for Jeongin and Minho, were now in the JYP building, practicing for the day. They had all spent an hour or two in the recording studio, but had moved to the dance rooms after they couldn’t record anything with the two missing members. Felix kept getting random cold or hot flashes, while consistently managing to sweat and shiver at the same time. One minute he wished he had a jacket, the next he ached for cold water to splash on his face. But real men keep cool in the face of a fire, so Felix needed to suck it up. He needed to go down with the ship, even if that ship was his own health.
Somehow he had managed to avoid having any of his lines recorded that day, and it was a good thing, too. Felix didn’t want the others noticing that his voice sounded off, and he wasn’t sure he could even sing or rap anything right now.
But now Felix had dance practice. Which was… not great.
And he was in danceracha, which made it even worse. And Minho wasn’t here, so Felix had to pick up the slack for him.
He was so fucked.
Felix stumbled slightly as they finished the song they were practicing. Without waiting for permission he immediately moved towards their bags and the benches in the corner, grabbing his water and slumping heavily on the ground and against the wall.
He tilted his head back, taking a ragged breath as the world spun for a moment. Felix’s throat ached for water, but he didn’t have the energy to even lift the bottle to his lips.
The other members didn’t spare him a second glance. They probably just thought he was tired, right?
Or they didn’t care.
The thought rang out in his head, loud and unprecedented. That’s stupid. They do care. Besides, even if they didn’t care, that would be a good thing. It would mean they could focus on actually important things, instead of Felix’s idiotic mistakes.
He lifted his water bottle to his lips with shaking hands, and took a small sip. It hurt his throat, but at the same time, felt so soothing. He took a bigger gulp of it, drinking more like a man starved than an idol during dance practice.
Felix finally paused for air, letting his head slump back against the wall as a single drop of water trailed from his mouth. He could feel it, cool against his hot —and probably feverish— skin, but he didn’t have the energy to wipe it up.
He didn’t have the energy for a lot of things right now. Including dancing. Which was now starting back up again.
Had he mentioned how not great it was yet?
Thirty minutes later, and Felix truly didn’t think he’d be able to handle much more. His legs were threatening to give out, he couldn’t think through the aching in his head, and he had already had to hide in the bathroom to throw up once.
Felix messed up another move again, and when Bangchan shot him another disappointed and pitying look, he actually wanted to cry. “S-sorry, I…”
Hyunjin was suddenly there. “Felix, come on.” He sounded irritated. Felix hated that he sounded annoyed, and he hated that he himself was the cause of it. ”Jeongin’s sick, we need everyone to work harder to pick up the slack.”
Felix’s mind was so clouded he couldn’t fully process the words, but he heard Hyunjin’s tone, and that alone was enough. “I‘m sorry, I’m just—“
Hyunjin cut him off. Hyunjin never cut him off, not usually. “It’s not any of our faults you decided to stay up late last night doing who-knows-what, instead of actually being responsible.”
Hyunjin’s voice was sharp. Too sharp. Felix didn’t like this Hyunjin. He wished he would stop.
But he didn’t.
“Just because you act like a child without a sleep schedule, doesn’t mean the rest of us should be hindered.” Hyunjin looked tired. But also mad. He was mad at Felix, wasn’t he?
Felix wished the ground could swallow him up. He didn’t even know how to respond, how to tell them he was up late working, how to tell them how horrible he felt, how to tell them how he was trying his fucking hardest to be helpful. To be good.
“I—“ Felix couldn't even finish. The need to cry was making a lump in his throat, and paired with the aching already there, he could barely speak.
“Fuck, what is up with you today?” Hyunjin snapped, dark eyes seeming to cut right into Felix and his pain. “You’ve been so unhelpful.” His voice was sharp, yes, but he also just sounded stressed and slightly overwhelmed. It made Felix hate himself more.
The blonde shrunk back. “I’m sorry.” Felix said quietly, eyes flitting around the room. None of the other members did anything. In fact, most of them looked like they wanted to agree with Hyunjin.
Felix really was such an asshole.
”You keep saying that, but you’re still fucking up all the moves.” Hyunjin’s voice rang through Felix’s ears again, making him wince. His head still hurt. A lot. Felix’s whole body ached. He just wanted to sleep. Yeah, sleep sounded really nice right now.
Despite Hyunjin’s sharp voice still ringing through his ears, Felix could feel his mind slowing. He couldn’t really tell what Hyunjin was saying, and all he could think about was how tired his body felt, how nice it would be to lay down… just for a bit.
“Why can’t you do something right, huh?” Deep down, Felix knew Hyunjin didn’t mean it. But he was so exhausted, and everything hurt, and he just wanted to curl up into a ball in some corner, and sleep. And maybe cry, too.
“We’re all working hard here, I wish you’d stop being such a burden on us all.” Those words struck Felix way too hard, ringing through his brain. He really was a burden. Here they were, with their maknae sick, and he was the one fucking everything up.
But he didn’t know what to say, how to reply, how to defend himself against something so true.
“I–I’m just gonna go to the bathroom for a bit…” Felix mumbled. He didn’t know if Hyunjin was still talking, but he was too exhausted to care. He stumbled off quickly, neck prickling with the feeling of everyone’s stares.
—
Felix was slumped against the wall of the bathroom stall, eyes shut. He was shivering violently again, and congestion had started to set in. Somehow, it was almost worse than anything else. The intense pressure in his head, the feeling like his face was stuffed full of something he couldn't get rid of.
It was so overwhelming, and paired with everything else rampaging through his body, Felix really did want to cry.
Then he remembered Hyunjin’s words, and a wave of exhaustion and heavy emotions washed over him. So Felix did cry.
It was quiet. He didn’t think he could even manage anything more than a few tears and a lump in his throat right now, anyway. Deep down, he knew Hyunjin didn’t mean any of it, at all. The older boy was just worried about Jeongin, and stressed from their work, and overwhelmed by being basically the only competent dancer that day. Deep down, Felix understood.
But it didn’t make it hurt any less.
The worst part was the other members’ reactions. They had stayed silent, avoiding eye contact… like they agreed with Hyunjin.
Felix’s stomach lurched at the thought and he brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself as more tears fell. Felix would probably agree with Hyunjin, too. In fact, he did.
Why couldn’t he be competent, just once? Ever since his elimination in the group’s survival show, Felix had always been one step behind. Just barely not enough, slightly missing the mark, always sweet enough to stay but never helpful enough to really be needed.
That’s how he felt.
It wasn’t like Felix wasn’t loved. He was, a lot. More than he deserved. He was loved among his group, his fans, his friends and family— but still, Felix felt like he was always just there. Never good enough at anything, or enough for anyone.
Hyunjin and Minho were the main and lead dancers. Jisung and Changbin were the main rappers. Seungmin and Jeongin were the main vocalists. Bangchan was their producer, and all-rounder. What did that make Felix? The sweet, sunshiney boy whose whole purpose in the group is to cheer people up, and chip in when needed?
Felix didn’t even excel at anything outside of the group, either. He wasn’t super muscular like Changbin or Chan, he couldn’t play any instrument like Jisung, he couldn’t sing like Jeongin or Seungmin, he wasn’t artistic like Hyunjin, and hell, he wasn’t even a cat-whisperer like Minho.
All he could do was be a pretty face, a nice body, and have a funny mouth. If he even had those things in the first place.
But now here he was, without those. Useless, without any purpose in or out of Stray Kids. Here he was. Crying in a bathroom, sick and running what was probably one hell of a fever, and on top of it all: alone.
Alone. Because no one had cared to notice, to even care that Felix was hurting. Because Jeongin was sick. Because they were busy. Because Felix was the cheerful one, the one who always had to be in perfect shape for the others.
Because what would his purpose be if he wasn’t that?
He wouldn’t be Felix, that was for sure.
But God, something deep in him ached to not be Felix. Just for a day. Not have to constantly push up this mask, to be able to let the exhaustion crash over him, and be cared for during it. Or just for someone to notice that he was hurting.
But Felix knew he was being hypocritical. He had purposefully avoided telling the other members, they couldn’t read minds. Maybe they didn’t even realize he was sick, and Felix was just expecting them to magically know. And he knew he was being selfish. Jeongin was sick, and all the other members were stressed and worried over that. Truly, Felix had no right to be complaining.
But still. His body ached for comfort. From anyone, from anything, in any way.
Felix’s body ached for a lot of things.
—
No one came to check up on Felix. That’s what hurt the most. He had been in the bathroom for at least thirty minutes, and no one had so much as knocked to check up on him.
Felix had stopped crying now. He was staring at the tiled floor of the bathroom, and he could feel his eyes glazing over. With exhaustion, or fever, or emotion, he didn’t know which. Maybe all of them. Maybe none of them. Maybe Felix just really needed some pills and a nap. And maybe food would help, too.
Yeah, that would help.
Too bad it wouldn’t happen. Real men didn’t eat. They were above that, damnit.
Felix finally forced himself up. Miraculously, he managed to stumble to the sink and wash his face, running his hands through his mess of hair.
He stared dully at his reflection for a long moment, before deciding he didn’t care. With that, Felix finally left the bathroom.
Felix came out, and realized everyone had already left.
Well, ‘realized’ was a strong word. Really, he just stared at the empty room for probably a minute straight, before slowly processing that everyone’s bags were gone and how it was oddly quiet.
Felix felt slightly hurt, but also relieved. This meant he could go home and actually sleep, right?
—
Wrong.
Very, very wrong.
As soon as Felix got back to the dorm, he was bombarded. Chan’s half-hearted apology about leaving him and thinking he had already left, Changbin asking if he knew where the icepacks were, and Jisung trying to task Felix to bake something for Jeongin.
After much (or only a little) peer-pressure from Jisung, Felix was shoved into the kitchen and given a thumbs up. He stared blankly at the counter for a few seconds, wondering if he should tell Jisung about how he most definitely couldn’t tell the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon right now.
He didn’t.
Ten minutes later, and there Felix was, he was struggling with cookie batter, leaving heavily against the counter as he attempted to mix in the flour.
Hyunjin popped up beside him, saying something too fast for Felix to pick up.
“Huh?” Felix mumbled, glancing up from his bowl. The hand holding the spatula was shaking, and he felt it numbly.
Hyunjin repeated himself, but Felix could not for the life of him understand the words. “I’m sorry… what?”
His hyung was beginning to look irritated again, and Felix wanted to slap himself.
“Did you get Jeongin some fever reducer like I asked?” Hyunjin repeated for the third time, sounding like he was talking to a small, idiotic child.
That’s basically what Felix was at this point.
Felix finally understood, before he didn’t anymore. Fever reducer? What’s a fever reducer? When was he tasked with this? Did he get it and forgot? Who was Jeongin? He sounded familiar. Maybe Felix was the one who needed a fever reducer. He felt delirious.
“Um… no?” Felix gave his best answer possible with the limited amount of knowledge his brain was letting him hold at one time. “I–I forgot.”
Hyunjin’s jaw tightened, and suddenly Felix wanted to hide somewhere. God, he was a fucking idiot.
“Seriously? Come on, that was the one thing I asked you to do.” The taller boy ran a hand through his dark hair, whole body tight with stress and frustration. Felix could see it written on his face.
“I’m sorry, I was busy today…”
”With what? You disappeared for the majority of practice today.”
Felix winced slightly. He wasn’t wrong. But he needed to keep up the act. He was going to be a real man, even if that meant fucking himself over. The others had enough to worry about. They didn’t need him to be sensitive.
“I just…” He trailed off, unsure of how to even reply. Felix’s hands trembled as he held the bowl, and he had to try not to drop it. God, why did he choose to use a glass bowl, of all things? His lips pressed together, and he inhaled slowly, trying to steady his trembling body and mind.
“God, could you just try and find something else to use as a fever reducer then? None of us have time to do your job for you.” Hyunjin’s voice was too sharp, too accusing, too angry.
Felix ducked his head as if avoiding a physical blow, slowly walking towards the sink with his bowl. “I’m really sorry, I will.” He hunched further, and felt traitorous hot tears welling in his eyes.
Hyunjin’s voice somehow sharpened further, words piercing and jagged, even if not purposeful. “Yeah, go to your goddamn job for once.”
It hurt. A lot. Hyunjin had never been remotely as harsh before, and deep down, Felix knew he didn’t mean it, at all. Hyunjin just got stressed very easily, and would let it build up inside him and take over his emotions. Felix knew that. It still hurt.
Suddenly there was a crashing noise, and it took Felix a moment to realize that it was from him. The bowl he was carrying had slipped out of his hands, hitting the ground hard and shattering.
Felix immediately panicked, dropping to his knees and babbling a million different apologies. “Shit— I’m sorry, I am so, so sorry.” The tears grew bigger, and Felix was so focused on how much he had fucked up that he didn’t even realize he was trying to pick up shattered glass with his bare hands, and now blood was dripping onto the ground as well.
“Fuck, Felix, stop.” Hyunjin sounded a lot less harsh, and a lot more concerned. But still sharp.
“No no no no, I’m so sorry, I’ll clean it up right now, fuck, I—” Felix continued murmuring, barely processing Hyunjin’s words. A piece of glass snagged his hand and he winced, hissing as blood pooled in his palm. His tears grew even bigger in his eyes, and now they were falling, mixing with the glass and blood and shame.
“Felix, stop. You’re hurting yourself—” Hyunjin sounded much more scared than sharp now, but he was barefoot, and looked too afraid to step closer, near the shattered glass.
Felix’s shoulders hitched in a sob, and he gave up trying to hold back. “I– I’m sorry, I just—” His voice got choked in his throat for a moment as he continued trying to pick up the glass. “I just wanted to— to help..” His shame was mixing with his pain, with his tears, with his blood, with his stupid fucking self.
“Yongbok. Stop.”
Felix didn’t stop.
“I just wanted to help, I’m sorry! I’m s-sorry, I was just trying to help…” He was rambling now, the words pouring out of his mouth in babbling rants, combining with his sobs into a horrible, heartbreaking sound.
He cut his hand again, and began to cry harder. Such a fucking idiot. He was such a fucking idiot.
All the other members were staring in horror. Jeongin had even somehow dragged himself out of his room, and was now standing in the doorway, looking pale and swaying as he watched.
Felix barely noticed. He was barely noticing anything at this point, except for the shame curling in his gut and the stinging in his hands, and the burning in his eyes. He really did wish the earth would swallow him whole, the soil opening up like a burial site and taking him into its heavy embrace. Anything would be better than here right now.
Suddenly Changbin ran forward, grabbing Felix by the shoulders. Felix barely processed the blood smearing on the floor next to the glass— Changbin’s blood. He wasn’t wearing shoes either.
“Felix, fucking stop it. Right now.” Changbin’s voice was firm, but so concerned.
It snapped Felix slightly from his state, but instead of actually doing anything useful, he started crying harder. “I-I’m sorry, you’re bleeding, I—”
Felix pulled away, stumbling to his feet. Tears were still streaming down his face, blood smeared on his hands, and he looked pale. Too pale. Felix was crying so hard his head ached, and black spots were appearing in his vision. Maybe that wasn’t from the crying.
He tried to take another swaying step back, but suddenly Felix’s legs decided he really didn’t need them anymore, and his mind faded to black. The last thing he remembered was falling, and the vague feeling of someone with warm, strong arms catching him and holding him tightly.
At least he didn’t have to feel anything anymore.
—
Everyone felt horrible that they didn’t realize he was sick.
Changbin refused to leave Felix’s side for the next twenty-four hours. Hyunjin didn’t either. For the first few hours Changbin refused, bristling protectively every time the taller boy approached. But he finally realized how much guilt Hyunjin felt, so he let him stay by their maknae’s side as well.
The other members also checked on Felix a lot. Bangchan felt especially concerned and guilty for not noticing, and Jisung kept coming in to sit by his bed.
All of them were worried, of course they were. Not only for Felix’s physical health, but for his mental health, too. But they had to wait until he woke up.
—
Felix’s eyes slowly fluttered open, senses slowly returning one by one. The first thing he realized was how much his head hurt. The second, how he could not breath out of his nose, at all. The third, that a face was hovering over him. He blinked dazedly at it for a moment, vision still much too blurred and sleepy to decipher which member it was.
Finally, his gaze focused, and he realized it was Changbin. His hyung was saying something, too, but it took him a minute to process what it was. “Hey, Lixie, how’re you feeling?”
Felix squinted at the shorter boy for a long moment, before he twisted onto his side, muffling a sneeze into his pillow. It wasn’t harsh, but it made his head hurt. A lot.
He was silent for a long moment, before finally mumbling: “Not great, I guess.” Felix could practically hear Changbin’s cringe.
“Yeah, you sound pretty rough, Yongbok. Do you want some water?”
Felix thought about it for a long moment. His throat did hurt, but he was too tired to even think about sitting up. But the pain in his esophagus won, so Felix looked back up at Changbin and nodded slowly.
—
After that, Felix fell asleep again. When he woke up once again, Hyunjin was there.
Felix shrunk slightly in the bed, avoiding making eye contact with the taller boy. Before he could do anything though, Hyunjin reached out, hesitating just above Felix’s arm. “...Is your hand okay?..” His voice was so soft, so concerned, so guilt-filled, it made Felix’s heart stop for a second.
“I—” Felix glanced down at it, and realized it had been bandaged. He remembered the glass with a slight shudder, closing his fingers instinctively. It didn’t hurt anymore, though. “It’s okay now.”
Hyunjin’s lips pressed together, eyes scanning Felix’s face with achingly thick concern. “Look, I…” He went quiet for a moment, jaw clenching as he tried to find the words.
It wasn’t that Hyunjin disliked apologizing. Felix knew this. He just struggled to express his feelings and put them into words.
So Felix waited.
“I’m really, really fucking sorry.” Hyunjin’s voice was tight, guilty, and startlingly caring. It shouldn’t have been startling, though— Felix knew how deeply Hyunjin felt about things. “I was really stressed from Jeongin being sick, and I said some really, really shitty things.”
Felix was quiet for a moment, eyes lingering on Hyunjin’s. “It’s—”
Hyunjin interrupted him, but it wasn’t sharp, like before. Just heartfelt. “And please don’t just say ‘it’s okay’. It’s not. I shouldn’t have said any of that. Ever.”
The blonde hesitated before replying. “...Yeah, it did suck.” Felix finally admitted, voice soft. His chest ached as he remembered the words Hyunjin said. But they hurt less now. Felix knew Hyunjin didn’t mean it in any way, and he understood. “But I understand how you felt. And I forgive you.”
Hyunjin bit his lip, jaw tight. It was obvious he wanted to say more, apologize more, do anything to redeem himself. But he finally exhaled, swallowing. “Okay. Thank you, Felix.” He paused, voice rather small. “I–.. thank you.” He hesitated by Felix’s arm, before hesitantly slipping his hand into the other boy’s grasp, keeping his fingers loose so Felix could pull away if he wanted.
But Felix didn’t want to, so he just tightened his grip.
—
Two days later. Jeongin and Felix were curled up on the couch together, watching some anime together. Hyunjin was trying to make popcorn in the kitchen, but after he sneezed for the fourth time that minute, Chan banished him to sit with the two sick maknaes. Hyunjin hadn’t admitted it just yet, but he had obviously caught what they had, just not nearly as bad.
The older boy sniffled faintly as he crawled next to Felix, still pouting as Chan took over his role in the kitchen. “Stupid Channie.”
Felix snickered stuffily, shifting to wrap himself around Hyunjin. “Sure. ‘Stupid’.”
Hyunjin softened at the blonde’s touch, dark eyes lingering on his face. They still held traces of guilt in them, but after hours on end of trying to make up for it, he said nothing. Felix knew Hyunjin would feel bad for a while, even though he forgave him.
But it was okay. Hyunjin could learn how to deal with stress. Felix could learn how to admit he isn’t okay. They could learn from their mistakes. They could learn from each other. It was okay.
Because learning makes you really a real man, right?
And if it didn’t, that was okay too.
Both Hyunjin and Felix could be little boys.