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Page 202 - xx/xx
There are many species of flowers out there, each with their own denomination and description. A long name paired with a longer series of lines, all full of detailed illustration about every aspect of said plant. Some are more similar, that’s true, but we’re all different here.
Yet people easily confuse them. They believe what they’re told, and that has its repercussions. Yes, it’s not always their fault. But for the cosmic law of its own compass, everything has a consequence. Whether you like it or not.
But the envious flower is another type of problem. It’s easy to identify, once you know your way around. It’s like a poppy, but with more spice to it.
Trouble arrives when it’s the moment to get rid of it. Yes, that’s quite a hassle. A painful path to walk, long and laborious, with a finish line everyone does not quite reach.
Acceptance. Its easily understandable and happy nature makes it effortless to comprehend. Just love yourself. How hard can that be? Yet it can bring more pain than desired.
But a flower in the desert? Far from any vegetation, away from a water source? Ironic, isn’t it? How it chose a place missing the only substance needed for life- water. Maybe it’s just dumber than the others.
Perhaps not. Flip the line and the point of view, and the first place was stolen. The flower knows better. It knows to not indulge. Keep the target visible, just out of reach, fuel the determination and drown any other desire. Stay balanced. That’s your only way to get out alive.
Yes, the location sucks, but you know what they say. In every hidden corner there’s a gem, you just need to learn how to look. When you look up, you’ll see.
Can you see them? The constellations. Can you name them?
That’s easy, isn’t it?
But you need to look deeper. Can you see them? I’ll tell you, no you can’t. But they are there, watching you as you do. Every star, planet, comet. Galaxy and nebulae. Can you see their beauty?
But you should know already. The stars have been guiding you from the most ancient times, during the darkest nights and the hottest days.
Do you envy them? Can you feel that annoying envious flower growing its roots inside your chest? _
Envy? _
He played dumb.
He felt stupid for that, Jamil knew there was no need to do so.
It just came out naturally. A normal, standard action. And it was just a little, harmless lie. Nothing more.
He was still learning to trust the written words. Those bits of wrong information will keep him safe, the same way they’ve done so far.
It was nothing personal. Just a survival measure.
But maybe he didn’t need to. He wished to open up to someone, so that’s what he should learn to do.
Lies or not, he knew that feeling very well. He had been tasting it for as long as he can remember. The same venom flowing out every damn time he bit his mouth.
The freedom of the other kids he saw.
The carefreeness he couldn’t have.
All the secrets they never knew.
That childhood he should have gotten.
The light he will never reach.
But he didn’t have time to dwell on it at the moment. He had things to do. He had to be useful.
𓂃✍︎
Page 205 - xx/xx
A few crazy weirdos believe in the parallels of the sky and the sea. To each their own, but both have something you’d wish you’d have. Those people have fallen for the deadly beauty they both hold.
The sky, the space, the universe. It’s so mesmerizing, melancholically colossal. Something the sea won’t ever get.
For the people of the land, as long as you won’t perceive it, it’s not real. So the ocean knows, now, how to mirror the night sky. Feigning goodness, it shied.
It knows its limitations, so, it conceals. It hides behind a blue cover. Like a magic trick, it hides the ugliest, scariest, most unwanted side under a calm veneer.
Believing it will draw you in. Believing it gave you an excuse to love it.
But that lie won’t stop you from exploring, from trying. You know?
It’s there, waiting, not refusing.
Again, you just need to look. Closer. Better. It’s not a mask, it’s a mirror. You have to break it.
But with facade or not, its lively personality is still there. _
The way you speak makes the sea look almost lonely. Like it isn’t loved by everyone. Still, both the sea and the sky are fascinating, both for their own reasons. _
Truth to be told, Jamil never saw the sea. Not until he was admitted into Night Raven College. Still, even then, he rarely got the chance to stand there and take in the sight. Just breathe the salty marine air.
It’s easier for him to see the oasis around his hometown. But there, the water stays still, like anyone expected it to be. The water of the sea was much livelier, with its own personality.
That doesn’t necessarily bother him, it’s one of those matters you won’t think about unless brought up. Still, he acknowledged its beauty.
Beauty is nothing but subjective, that was a clear statement. Yet, once Jamil heard some people speaking about how they believed a few sights were so breathtaking they could easily be closer to an objective concept of beauty.
It made sense. He agreed. He did witness some of those sights. Like the world seen from above. Every time he’s on the magic carpet, the view of the city never fails so amaze him. The sky and the sea both fell into that category. No second thoughts.
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Page 206 - xx/xx
The sea fancies games. If you drop something in there, there’s a chance it’ll be given back to you, under favorable conditions. Just roll your dice and hope for the best.
The only thing you won't be given back it’s the heart. Once your heart calls for the sea, it will take it as if it was rightfully its. It swallows your beating flesh, pushing it left and right as it please, until it’s down on the sand floor. But worry not, it will take good care of your treasure.
It’s perfect, isn’t it? Yes, it has flaws, but who doesn’t, right?
A perfect double character.
The facade is well thought, to most blind eyes, it’s imperceptible, like a thin layer of paper. Build with the leftover pieces of a broken soul mended together with resilience and determination. A beautiful creation. Any scientist would go mad over its loss.
But to trained, even tired, eyes, the glimpse of truth can be seen, but only in the darkest nights is the northern light visible. And what’s underneath all those lies, is an even more bewitching sight. For sore eyes indeed.
That raw emotion. So pure, so genuine. So easy to understand.
The core. The center, what moves it all, what’s under all these layers.
A complete character. _
Jumping between subjects for the sake of the narration is something you normally do, but switching it so suddenly it’s new. Why? _
Did you really believe I was talking just about the sea? _
He didn’t. He wasn’t stupid, he simply wasn’t thinking. At all. Jamil was simply intrigued by the facts and the new perspective, it made his heart slow its rhythm, falling into a calm pace. It felt good. It made him lower his high guard.
But after all, it was to be expected. His friend always needed him to read between the lines. If he wanted information, he had to dig them up himself.
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Page 208/209 - xx/xx
He’s perfect, isn’t he?
In every way.
Well, no, not exactly. He still fails somewhere.
But that’s what makes him closer to perfection.
Maybe that isn’t the problem. It is the way he can be perfect. Can thrive. Can show everyone what is there no one can see.
He can leave his sign. Get himself up and rule the world. Even make one from scratch.
He can. And he makes sure everyone knows it. _
Must you twist the knife? _
Ah, there it is again. It stings, doesn’t it? But it’s not the rose’s thorns, it’s that devilish flower. The Envy. It’s still in full bloom, I see. Gardeners love it, it keeps the garden beautiful all the year. It’s always the right time for them, it’s never the wrong choice.
And how annoying that is. The flower opens its petals, stretching them like limbs to reach every blood vessel it can find. And you can feel that, the way it extends so agonizingly slow, enough for you to grow accustomed to the pain, to bottle it up, before the aching wave doubles.
The kind of annoying that makes you want to open your flesh yourself and eradicate that invasive plant once and for all. Be careful, if you choose this path, you must do it immediately. The longer you wait the harder it’ll be to get rid of those damned roots.
But you don't get to do anything. You'll stay still, letting it kill you from inside. It will drain all your blood. See? I told you the flower would end up winning.
Alas, cheer up. As you watch the stage, envying who stole your tranquility, the flower will keep you company. Even while you look from the darkest corner of the audience.
At least it won't leave you alone. Even if you wish it did. _
Sometimes I don’t know why we still talk. _
In the book, black lines began to trace themselves, slowly forming words. Or rather, an answer.
I believed you wanted a friend. Someone that would share those cold nights with you, but that kept its physical distance. That’s why a book. Smart, am I right?
I hope my words aren’t actually harming you. You wished for an honest interlocutor, I’m doing my best to fit the role.
Now, let your mind rest. I’ll watch over you. _
Don’t worry, I know. For someone who likes sarcasm you still can’t tell if I’m serious when I’m the one using it. _
He closed his book. The message for him was over.
Raising his head, he was met with a more than familiar sight. The moon, shining brightly into the black sky.
He still remembers the night he wished for someone that would listen to him. To his pain.
The way he suffocated his screams in his pillow before a book appeared before him.
Many would have called it a blessing, to be able to talk to the moon though a book. After all, it is said to be a powerful being. A great, wise entity who watches over everyone, always.
Jamil understood “wise”. But “all-knowing” too? Where did the moon even get such information about him?
Whatever. It wasn’t the time for this type of thought. He had to wake up early.
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Page 210 - x6/xx
We talked about breaking mirrors, did we not? Yes, yes, I know it’s a sign of bad omen, but really, don’t you wish to know what’s behind it? The concept of the world inside the mirror is widely known, but what about what’s behind the lies you get told?
No?
That’s fine. It is theorized that every story will end as it was predicted, and I’m confident the universe will take good care of your case. All the gears are already running, just wait for it.
The flower will stay by your side loyally, and perhaps, maybe, the mirror will break by itself. Who knows? Patience it’s a much greater virtue than what people give it credit for. We can only wait and see, and from what I’ve gathered, you’re a patient one.
You’ve done enough so far. You can let this go on by itself.
And the flower’s doing well, I see. Careful, it thrives in the right environment. You made sure to keep it healthy and well fed. Pretty gluttonous for a plant, no?
But after all, you keep following your light, you little moth. I'd be surprised if it had died. Surprised, but happy for you nonetheless. Its death will play an important role in your life.
But as we wait for its demise, you’ll have to be strong. This species doesn’t back down easily. It’s more of a parasite rather than a flower. Yet, it’s still categorized as one.
Your ancestor realized soon the power it held. The capacity to tear apart any kind of connections, and to live an infinite timeline. They came to understand its threatening flavour, and the only conclusion possible for its existence was to be a curse sent from God, and thus, it has been worshipped ever since.
Do not fall in the same error. _
In the blink of an eye, the night was gone.
Jamil hasn’t really been resting lately. He couldn’t find an explanation. Eight hours of sleep, going to bed and waking up early. Nothing different from his usual routine.
Something was bothering him, that was for sure.
He didn’t understand what exactly was bothering him until he got to class. Then he remembered.
Azul.
So irritating.
The way he’d waltz his way to Jamil, ready to annoy him to death with the “you should join me!” speech.
The way he’s simply run around the school acting like he was so much better than anyone and everyone.
The way he’d simply exist and shove in Jamil’s face just how much more freedom he had in comparison. Already climbing his way to the top while he had his head immobilized down.
He was done with it.
To avoid him, Jamil decided to use a strategy. He knew Azul would always come early to quickly review his notes, his papers were all he would bring to class. A binder full of notes on all subjects, all extremely detailed, occasionally matched with a visual example, clearly drawn by him.
Jamil started showing up slightly later than usual, letting the merman enter a focused enough state so he could slip inside without being noticed.
Somehow, thankfully, it worked. Jamil didn’t even care if that was his plan succeeding or it was just Azul letting him off the hook, he was just glad to have his mornings back.
Or so he thought. Whenever the Octavinelle housewarden was reviewing a certain subject that needed more effort, he’d start tapping his pen aggressively on his body. One day on his wrist, the other on his hand, then his thighs and other days again on his neck.
Weird. And disturbing.
He had the feeling Azul was using his body instead of anything else to keep the sacred silence of the morning. He was used to staying in the center of attention, yet he always seemed to enjoy staying in the corners, observing carefully from a distance, all done in an eerie silence.
Somehow, reflecting Jamil.
When class was over, he pretended to take more time to tidy his place, letting the other leave first. Again, it worked, thankfully. For once in his life, Jamil was thankful Azul had the Mostro Lounge to manage, so he had to leave quickly after the afternoon classes.
The plan was easy, arrive and leave slightly later.
But it wasn’t over.
After class ended he’d run into Azul once everyone was dismissed. Three days out of five, the merman would go to the library. He saw him look around, attentive, almost defensive, like he was holding the most valuable of treasures as he walked in the hallways. Maybe he was?
What was most infuriating was how he hid that look desperate for privacy. He displayed a smug face, all-knowing with his own business to mind, as if he wasn’t waiting for the next victim.
So even his library time was lost. Kalim already made it difficult for Jamil, and that just took the cake. All he could do was take the spot farthest from him and pray the octopus wouldn’t come for him.
Obviously, some days it was inevitable.
But Jamil saw that the time in the library was just as precious to Azul as it was to him.
He happened to talk to him once, stepping inside the student’s holy place: the messy desk full of books. Books, papers and pens all scattered around the table like he owned the place. Jamil saw books one wouldn’t usually find in the school’s library. And those were full of notes and posts, all scribbled on. There were random words, all in a fancy yet fast calligraphy. Very Azul-like.
Another time, he found him so deep in thought he moved his leg instead of his arm, wanting to reach for his cup. It was almost comical. Probably that had something to do with Azul’s true form. Jamil caught himself reflecting (multiple times) on how he’d looked in that form. How come he never saw him transformed, not even once? Not that he cared.
Jamil never told anyone, but it wasn’t that rare to find the octopus wandering around the school at night. Usually he’d go take books from the library, of course, what did you
expect, other times he’d just walk around aimlessly. Now that was strange.
Why would such a calculated and busy character like Azul wander around the school at night? To clear his mind? From what? Business? Yeah right.
Still, the Housewarden had the little habit of halting his walk in the dark hallways to look at the moon, shining brightly in the sky, its light reflecting on the sea’s surface. He’d look up, as if searching for something. Whatever he wanted to find, it was either easy to find or impossible, because that search had its time strictly limited.
But if there’s one thing everyone can say about Azul, it's that it’s unlikely to not cross his path. So, of course, he caught Jamil’s presence in the night.
“Jamil-San. This is no hour for students to wander around, you know?” Azul spoke without taking his eyes off the window.
“The same goes to you, Azul.” He took a step closer, arms crossed.
“Mn, that’s true. Although it is easier to avoid any scolding from the teachers as a Housewarden. Yet this is the best hour to see the sky well, wouldn’t you agree?”
“If you wanted to see the stars, then yes.”
“Of course. If I wanted a hot sun, I’d just go to Scarabia, no?” Finally, he turned around to face Jamil.
“Don’t even joke about that.”
Azul chuckled softly at the other’s predictable reply, he could feel the glare even without watching him directly. “Mn. I’ll let you be on your merry way then.” He turned around to walk away.
Just like that, he disappeared.
Jamil couldn’t shake the feeling that the Azul he knows would have acted differently. He imagined he’d have to force him to leave him alone, yet, he left by himself. Leaving Jamil alone, standing in the middle of the hallway.
He probably had some shady business to do. After all, with all the times Azul had come and annoyed him, he happened to forget that he actually has a more reserved side. During the day the facade has to be on at all times, but during the night, it is not needed.
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Page 215 - xx/xx
Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here. After all that happened, I’m still in the shadows. I mean, I’m used to it by now, but I want to be shining for once. I’m always hidden by someone else’s light. Why can’t I be at the center?
Some days I think I’m ready to change things. Other days I feel like I should just keep this life.
It had become unbearable already, and I let it get the best of me. I’m scared it’s going to happen again.
Why do I always come back here? _
He waited for a few moments before the familiar black ink made its appearance before him.
Andromeda asks herself the same thing. Why must she be overshadowed by other shining stars while she still has countless no one’s ever seen, acknowledged?
Don’t you know, it’s all about point of views? While she searches for the humans' eyes, someone else has been watching her from the same shadows she disgusts, and for much longer time.
You already are someone’s center. Someone’s light. You just need to look for them.
The remedy to your pain will come with time. But relax for now. It’s a big day, tomorrow, yes? You need to prepare.
Tidy your room and refresh yourself. Everything will go back to its original designed place, but remember that rearranging is also recommended for important events. Make it look presentable, whether visits are in plan or not. Aesthetic pleasure is important for mental stability.
To put in time and effort to look well on grand occasions isn’t a waste of time, it’s an act of self love. But putting in the effort to feel good, it is a bigger action.
The stars are preparing as well. They're ready to shine the brightest. Their cores are entering a state of energetic conservation, having enough combustible is a must.
Ah, such an eventful night, it is. You'll have many opportunities, don't let them escape your grasp, there’s no saying when they’ll knock on the door once again.
If in doubt, ask the sailors. They know how to wait for the right one. The biggest fish will come up, and you'll have to be ready. It’s trickier than what most believe, not for the opportunity itself, but for the courage one must show to hold on to it.
But, say, would it displease you to catch a smaller fish? One that isn't what you imagined. Isn't what you wanted.
Out there, there's plenty. They’re all waiting. But some of them wait only to be taken. Yes, even by the sailors. Even if it means ending up on a silver plate, emptied of organs to fit a meaningless decoration accompanying the main dish.
The desire to be chosen. The desire to feel.
Desire is a dangerous miracle.
Good luck little one. _
Jamil turned in bed to place his book back in its drawer.
Prepare. Yes, right. Tomorrow Scarabia will hold a big party. Everyone was invited. And Kalim, obviously, had the brilliant idea to put on a show. He couldn’t catch a break, could he?
It's nothing he couldn't do, dancing, he was born for it. But it didn't make it more motivating. How did he even find the time for rehearsals inside his schedule?
Deciding it was best to leave doubts for another time, Jamil followed his friend’s advice. He gave a brief wipe to his room, put the few things he found scattered around back to their place and took a bath.
The steaming water against his skin never failed to relax him.
Once out, he sat at his vanity desk. He has never been that much into skincare, he lacked some knowledge there. After a bit of thinking, he decided to just use his usual serum and his new moisturizer. Balancing old and new is never bad anyway.
Then he took some time to brush his hair, making sure there were no knots before applying an eucalyptus oil. It was meant to grow stronger hair, a little habit he got from his mother.
Before going to sleep, Jamil gave a quick look at his book. Just reading his old conversations with the moon. The gap between the pages 183 and 185 gave him a strange feeling every time it was before him. A sense of unease, mixed with strong alienation. Was it really him living those days?
Time wise, it was the period around his overblot. He stopped writing to her, knowing already he’d get called out for his bad actions. At that moment, he couldn’t care less. He didn’t want to talk to her.
…
Nope, nothing. Sleep decided to avoid him that night. Again.
Might as well be productive.
He got out of his bed, put on some random comfy clothes and exited his room. It didn’t even need to be questioned, Jamil’s stealth skills were more than polished. He arrived at his destination quickly, without drawing any unwanted attention. An opening situated on the back of the Scarabia dorm’s building.
It was a room meant for many people, seen the size, but the dorm’s main lounge was much bigger, so every party was always thrown there, much to Jamil’s detriment.
He took a moment to admire.
If his dorm is cursed with an unbearable temperature on the day, it was blessed with the right kind of cold breeze. It wasn’t cold enough to make him shiver, yet enough to let him wear a hoodie and the wind was just sufficient to play with his hair.
And let’s not forget. The silence truly sounded like Heaven’s melody. After hours upon hours of loud voices and noises, the empty air truly felt like a blessing.
Dancing under the moonlight has to be one of the most private and intimate of Jamil’s belongings.
He didn’t need to play the steps in his mind. It came naturally. A dancer’s most valuable friend is body control. But control goes both ways. A dancer must be able to switch between total muscle mastery and muscle memory.
So, he closed his eyes, letting his body move, every fiber of his essence in harmony, for once.
Until he halted, suddenly. Once again, he could himself float on a strange path. It extended out, where he couldn’t go. Like every time before this one, his chest tightened. A feeling that he shouldn’t be walking down the line alone hit him. But on these nights, that’s all he has ever been, and all he ever wanted to be.
Maybe that was his cue to go back to sleep. He needed his rest. The next day won’t go easy on him.
—
When the lights suddenly turned off, everyone got almost scared. People halted mid movement, confused. The background noise of voices was starting to get louder.
But at the time the one single light at the exact center of the palace turned on, it was quiet again. And it became clear to everyone what was about to happen. Time stood still, even air was hanging there, waiting for the start of the show.
Various Scarabia students began to run towards the light, leaving the curtains. All crouching down, fast steps, organized in line. All of them had black, oversized pants decorated with yellow and red motifs. It matched with the dark cropped hoodie and red hood. On their arms every one of them tied either a red or yellow ribbon.
Jamil was one of them. Being the good and reliable vice housewarden he is, of course, he had to be in the first line. He was supposed to give a good example, and be the glowing beam illuminating the minds that emptied from the anxiety.
Was it his choice? You know the answer.
Once every dancer was out and in the right position, scattered all around the place, Kalim, the ever shining sun, walked out the last curtain, stepping in the spotlight. And all attention was on him. The eyes of everyone, focused on his character.
Jamil stayed with his head down, in position, muscles still. It wasn’t his moment to shine. It never was.
As he raised his eyes to look around, he saw them. Every single person he knew, all with amazed expressions, looking up towards the light.
He couldn’t help but wonder, would that feel like being at the center of the universe?
In a bit more darkened place, a figure stood still, alone. Thankfully, he wasn’t watching him. The thought that even if he did saw him, he wouldn’t get recognized with the hood on put his mind more at ease.
So Jamil watched, again, from afar.
He saw the Octavinelle housewarden sip from a fancy glass, the light of the moon bounced from the glass and hit his glasses, brightening them. Why did he always wear gloves?
His expression for once was serious, almost contemplating. It felt refreshing, it's not a face Azul did often, not genuinely at least.
He was also watching Kalim. Who wasn’t, at the moment? He was giving a speech to open the show. The moment the music would start, he would have to go back to his fatal routine.
Do just enough. Be just a step behind.
And that’s exactly what happened after.
Like the previous night, Jamil let his body go, already knowing the steps, without needing to think about it.
He bit his own tongue every time he could do a stronger isolation. Could put in more energy. Could be better.
At least, he could let his eyes wander around some more.
As he made a turn, his eyes felt a force pulling them. For a small fraction of time, Jamil’s met a cerulean pair, deep as the sea.
For that moment, he was lost in those. He was lost, but also the most lucid he’s been. He was conscious of his own eyes narrowing down while turning, and Azul mirrored his motion, probably in curiosity, while a small smirk grew on his lips.
Why was Azul staring now? He didn’t need another problem.
The choreography certainly wasn’t waiting for him, and even if he didn’t need to put his total focus into it, he couldn't strain too far from it.
Being a background dancer means the spotlight won’t be on you. But on the good side, it also means you’ll have plenty of moments of just standing in a pose.
The pose is just for aesthetics, so usually it’s easy to keep. Knees on the floor at worst.
His eyes automatically fell on Azul once more. Jamil blamed the lacking focus, he didn’t have anymore left as it was all used on his body.
Their eyes met.
He saw the other tilt his head at a particular angle, his eyelids lowering enough to leave half of his greyish iris for the world (Jamil) to see.
And how much Jamil knew that expression. He’d seen it countless times by now. The same expression Azul made whenever he made an unreadable one. Like he was trying to get inside his mind, uncovering the secrets of the mysterious mind of Jamil Viper.
Behind him, there was a higher figure, standing close. Jade. Floyd? He didn’t take in enough details to make the identity out. He called Azul by putting a hand on his shoulder, who turned around, after a few more fractions of seconds, breaking their eye contact.
“Azul.”
“Jade. Tell me.” Turning around was more difficult than he imagined.
“I happened to have lost sight of Floyd. Should I go look for him?”
“Don’t. Let him have some fun.”
“That’s precisely what I’m doing. Wouldn’t want him to get in a bad mood.”
“... Fine. Call me when you’re done.”
“Of course.”
Jade was about to turn around before Azul called him again. “Jade?”
“Yes?”
“... Go have some fun too.”
Jade nodded and left for his mission, mentally noting to let Azul find him instead of the other way around.
—
The show was over, but the lights were still all on Kalim. His happy smile matched his warmth. The look of genuine happiness. He had to announce that the actual party would start now. Everyone cheered. The music started.
But Jamil couldn’t really care. The choreography was over, so was he.
The air inside the room began to feel suffocating. He felt a drop of sweat go down his temple. He needed fresh air. Jamil quickly made his way to a small balcony in a more secluded area, far from the music, the food, the people.
Maybe not secluded enough.
Azul was standing there, leaning against the rails. Alone. Wasn’t he with one of the twins before? From his expression Jamil deduced he was deep in thought. Until he noticed him, that is.
“I wasn’t expecting you to join me, Jamil-san.” He turned around briefly to meet the newcomer.
Finally Jamil could see him well. He had on an elegant attire, the blazer of a deep ocean blue hanging well on his slim figure, closed in the front, not leaving any button unbuttoned. On his heart he wore his Octavinelle gem, the housewarden can’t go without it.
Under all the buttons Azul wore a black tie adorned with light blue spirals. It matched his hair. His lower body had clean black pants, which made the attention fall on the small white triangle getting out of his blazer. So under all that he wore a white shirt. Classic.
The called boy sighed, the idea of having to talk at the moment wasn’t really sitting well with him. Still, he walked forward, reaching Azul. He joined him, watching forward, where the limit of Scarabia lies.
“I wasn’t expecting you to be here either, Azul. Don’t you have a business to run?”
“Everyone needs some fresh air once in a while, am I right?”
In those few moments of silence, the chilly scarabian breeze flew between them, the wind carrying more than their words.
“Why are you here?” Jamil’s words cut through the silence.
“You already got my answer. It’s up to you to believe me or not. And you? What are you doing here, so far from the dancing area and Kalim?”
“My duty is to watch for potential threats and to serve him, not babysit him. Not 24/7 at least.”
“Of course. Yet, that’s basically what you do, no?”
“... So what? Don’t act like you know anything about me. Because you don’t. And it will stay like that. I want nothing to do with you more than I already do.”
“Oh, you wound me.” Azul brought his gloved hand to rest on his heart, faking his pain. Light banter between them wasn’t rare, but who could actually tell whether the words actually carried heavier meaning?
“I’m serious. You should leave if you have nothing to do here.”
“Leave? Why? I get you don’t want me around, but I believed you’d know me a little better. You know I love to look around, right? I like to watch the land dwellers interact, it’s like an open book of information.”
“That’s creepy.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Obviously.”
In the silence, the air felt like a calm ocean, coming in faint waves.
“This isn’t your place.” As Jamil pronounced those words, for a moment, just a small fraction of time, it felt wrong. They were both aware that Azul wasn’t where he was supposed to be.
He wasn’t supposed to be on land. Inside Scarabia. By Jamil’s side.
“It really isn’t. But I’ve made an effort. I’m satisfied with that for now. But, say, Jamil-san. If this isn’t my place, then is this yours?”
“... Stop throwing your digs at me.” Was he though? Of course he was. Right? Well, no. He was supposed to be by Kalim’s side. Inside the dorm. Having fun, maybe. But he was tired of it. Sick of it. Even his heart called for something new, unknown even.
Azul exhaled, relaxed. “It’s quite the night, isn’t it? No clouds, only a bright, big moon.”
“... I guess it is a pleasant sight.”
“Did you know, the Andromeda galaxy is the only one that can be seen with a naked eye? But only during moonless nights, with barely any light. Actually, it is recommended to not have any light in proximity. Not from natural or artificial sources."
The Andromeda Galaxy? It rings a bell. That’s why Jamil never saw it.
“Do you think I’m silly for learning its exact location?”
Jamil felt his heart beat. He learned his location, even if it’s not visible? “You’re wasting your time, Azul. Why search for something so hidden? Maybe it doesn’t want to be seen.”
“Does it now? She still has so much to offer though. Wouldn’t you like to be able to explore her, see every astral body she contains? Discover every mystery she might hold? Know what she’s been hiding all this time?” Azul’s tone felt different. There was something in his voice he often chained to the back of his throat. Genuine talk.
Jamil looked up, seeing the Andromeda constellation, but not the galaxy.
The lack of an actual answer told him Jamil took those questions as rhetoricals. “But maybe you’re right. She hides for a reason, and she wants it to remain that way. Yet, I can’t help but believe… that must be lonely, no?”
“...” Andromeda asks herself the same thing.
“That’s why I always look up whenever I can. Even when I still lived in the sea I used to search for her. There’s always someone in the dark. Those who got left out. Who aren’t accepted. Aren’t understood. To survive, they have to fight. Pave the way with all they got. But it’s a little easier when you’re not alone.”
“...” Why must she be overshadowed by other shining stars while she still has countless no one’s ever seen, acknowledged?
“I don't want her to be alone, that’s true. But I am a selfish being. I also don’t want to be by myself. Left out, again. I built my reputation and my power from zero, but that doesn’t mean I’m not tired. I thought we could be alone together.”
“...” Someone else has been watching her from the same shadows she disgusts, and for much longer time.
Azul paused.
“If alone, is all you want to be…” Azul straightened his back, turning around to face Jamil. “... Then, so be it. I shall let you be. After all, everyone has their own paths to pursue. Maybe ours just aren’t meant to be.”
“...” You already are someone’s center. Someone’s light.
“I just wish you happiness, Jamil-san. We didn’t overblot without a reason.”
Jamil was 100% sure he felt his heart skip a beat. Even if it is just a glimpse of shock, the expression on his face was priceless.
The now wide eyes let the pupil be seen completely as it expands, letting the low light of the moon enter, making his vision more clear, maybe even more colorful.
With light steps, Azul walked back inside, leaving his friend alone. That’s what he wanted, right?
—
Wait. Wait what?
Azul.
The only presence he actively tried to avoid every time.
The same guy he kept trying to exclude from his life, knowing he’d bring only problems.
The only individual mad enough to treat reality as a neverending transaction, always scheming to make sure to have the upper hand.
That guy, he actually understood. He understood him. He acknowledged him. But that kind of "analysis" isn’t something easily done, only an insightful character and a deep inspection on his behavior and answers would be enough to comprehend him and his reasoning.
Azul had actually put in the effort to understand. He walked into the darkness everyone had stepped on and avoided, and stayed. Or wanted to, at least.
No. No no no. He had to think this through. He must have an ulterior motif. It wouldn’t make sense.
He needed answers. Now.
—
Azul was met with a warm light. It was welcoming. The air of happiness and fun was only waiting for him to join.
From the food section an inviting flavored smell hit his nostrils. Those were clearly plates typical of Kalim and Jamil’s homeland. The Scaling Sands, was it? He would have stopped by, if it wasn’t for a queasy feeling at the bottom of his stomach. It hurt.
He overstayed his welcome. It was time for him to go back to the place he belonged to. Now to find Jade and Floyd.
Azul quickly scanned the room in search of the twins, with no luck. He saw a familiar redhead, maybe the only person with a shield strong enough against the party air to leave him sober. He could trust his eyes, he’d know if he had seen them.
So he approached him. “Riddle-san. I wasn’t expecting to find you at a party in Scarabia.”
Riddle turned around to meet the other Housewarden. “Azul. Are you implying I can’t have fun?”
“Why, of course not! Simply, I’m well aware of all the responsibilities that come with being a housewarden. I’m surprised most of your dorm could make it, you included. After all you all are busy with events set by the Queen’s rules, no?”
“That’s true. But lately everyone has been getting good grades and causing only a few troubles, they deserve a reward. Plus, they came begging at my door, alongside my vice.”
“Ah, I see. Say, Riddle-san, did you happen to see Jade and Floyd? I can’t seem to find them with all these students.”
“Sorry, I haven’t seen Jade. The guy’s always looking like he’s planning someone’s downfall when alone. I wouldn’t be surprised to not see him around.”
Azul chuckled. “He is one peculiar individual, yes. Still, if he wasn’t reliable I wouldn’t have him as my right hand. Your choice of words brings me to believe you have seen Floyd though.”
The Heartslabyul head master said nothing, he just made a tired expression.
“Riddle-san, where is Floyd?”
“... On the dance floor…”
“...”
—
Jamil ran back inside. Where was Azul? He dived in the sea of students, paying no mind to the few kicks and elbows hitting him. Now he realized Kalim was serious when he said he wanted to invite everyone.
He halted suddenly. He couldn’t mistake it. He swore he heard his voice, faintly but surely.
Jamil turned his head around, his hand instinctively clutched his chest. His eyes were pulled again with force to the same person, again.
Him. Always him.
Azul.
His chest felt heavy, like it was carrying a heart made out of stone, now too heavy for his sore muscles. Yet it felt weightless, a dagger had been thrown and the stone shattered, letting his heart float free, expanding, and suddenly his body wasn’t enough anymore.
His body temperature rose. He could physically feel it.
Azul was far away, Jamil could only see his profile, but with the sudden lucidity he had been hit with he could see everything.
His expression was dead serious, an icy cold of a temperature so low it could sting your skin and trick your mind into thinking it was so hot you’d need to take off every last one of your coverage just so it could take you even more.
How did he never realize?
Azul could be serious. No, he was a serious type. Azul was the most diligent out there. Sure, his businessman-facade was tiresome beyond limit, yes, but, what was underneath? An independent, intelligent, calculated individual. If someone could actually handle the entirety of his being, that was him.
The dealer mask was designed to keep customers trapped into a false sense of control and security, but what no one saw is that the mask doesn’t cover just the face but the whole head. He knows how to keep the appearances and when to take them off. But also when to flip them over completely.
He wasn’t just cunning, but conducted a complete manipulation, obtained by defying both his reality as well as the one around. All done in the background. In the dark.
For an instant, the mirror worked and Jamil could see it. The same face he did when he used to “charm” Kalim. The look of a schemer. Of an exploiter.
Once the mask got deactivated, what remained was a fascinately individual who comprehended his being. They weren’t so different after all.
Aesthetically speaking, he wasn’t even that bad.
His eyes narrowed as usual, the cerulean iris completely still like he was using his eyes to project every one of his plans, finding new ways to get richer, better, acknowledged by the whole world.
He was in the shadows, almost hidden, talking to one of the twins while the other was standing beside him. His hair reflected the shapes of the ocean. If he were to put a boat there, a hand, would it swing the sailor to sleep?
Jamil tried to make out the identity of Azul’s interlocutor, trying to understand the conversation, he really did, but his efforts were all in vain.
Azul’s mouth was sealed tightly the time he wasn’t speaking, his lips seemingly embedded in a sculpture of ancient times, with every single proportion calculated to perfection. He thanked the Seven this sculpture didn’t have much color or that’s all he’d watch.
When he did talk, all he could see were the curved lines of his small lips moving, taking new shapes every second, as if he was descending into the giant void of the discoveries. Jamil could see him almost whispering now, but all he could make out wasn’t the actual script but the eye-opening words he had pronounced, slowly morphing into a background noise.
It was delightful. It felt marvelous.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh he’s fucked.
Now he understood.
He felt a magnetic pull towards him.
He was now all he wanted. Needed. But not the dependent type of need, Jamil didn’t need anyone. He would make it out by himself. He’s perfectly capable of keeping going, he had all the skills he could ever need.
He simply wanted him. A strong desire, that’s what his neediness was. A need to explore this familiar unknown. An undetermined decorated with a texture he had already seen.
… He was doomed, wasn’t he?
Love? He knew nothing about that. Let alone relationships. Ok, that was too far.
Amidst the chaos of both his mind and around him, Jamil heard someone calling his name, breaking in his heavenly sightseeing. Another unmistakable voice.
“Jamil!”
He faced the guy that had grabbed his wrist. What great timing. He has never been allowed to long for anything more in his life, now he couldn’t even dream?
“Kalim.”
“Hey! You did a great performance tonight, you were amazing! Where did you go after? No one saw you anymore. We wanted to make a small celebration between us, this was one of the best shows so far, but we couldn’t find you.”
“... Sorry. I needed some air.”
“No worries, that’s okay. So, how did I do?”
“Pretty well overall, but you were a bit late over the dance break.” In the corner of his vision, he saw the Octavinelle trio walk towards the exit.
“Ah, always that. I’ll work harder to fix it, you’ll see!”
“... Sure. By the way, did you eat anything?”
“Don’t worry, I ate only the food you prepared in advance and made sure to stay around all our dancers.”
Jamil sighed. “Good. At least you know how to listen to me when you want. But be careful around all these people, especially if I'm not around. Speaking of which, I need to go. I’ll come back soon, stay out of trouble.”
“Huh? Where are you going again? Jamil!”
Jamil turned around to follow the trio’s steps, leaving a confused Kalim behind.
Getting out of the mirror made his ears ring. The usual aftermath of an exposure to loud sounds for too long. Scanning the room, he couldn't see anyone. Azul and the twins must have already entered their dorm.
So he followed.
He entered the Octavinelle dorm space with the mirror. When was the last time he set foot here? He entered his bubble, and somehow he made it inside the building, at least he could breathe without the bubble’s support. With quick steps he made his way in, looking for the indication to the Mostro Lounge.
Whenever he got there, Jamil really felt out of place. It was way too different, the extravagant, expensive and elegant decorations were enough to disorient him, plus the Octavinelle space always had a cold temperature and a high humidity.
He walked past all the aquariums and the empty tables.
There he was. Azul. All alone, at the main counter, still dressed elegantly, doing… the dishes?
He approached him, but stopped at a safe distance. “What was that all about, Azul?”
“Jamil-san.” He didn’t sound too surprised. He didn’t even raise his gaze. Was he expecting him? Azul sighed, a little embarrassed. “... Yeah, Floyd loves dancing but he’s not too good with-”
“Not that! I didn’t even know Flyod was dancing.” He facepalmed. Jamil’s favorite activity after sighing.
“Oh? What are you talking about then?”
“... What you said about Andromeda.” The words left his mouth in a lower tone than he intended.
“Ah yes. She’s incredible, isn’t she?” The voice of a dreamer. The silhouette of this man never ceased to change.
“... She is.”
“Is there something else you wish to know? Be careful, the deeper we go the higher the price, Jamil dear.”
Oh now he was a dear? Not ‘Jamil-san’ anymore? “... It wasn’t just about Andromeda, was it?”
“Yes, that’s very true. It was about M31 too.”
Jamil scoffed, almost unbelieving. “Trying to be the smart one on one of Scarabia’s best subjects? Do you really believe I don’t know about the Messier Catalogue?”
“Can’t a man have some fun? And let me remind you, the Messier Catalogue is something we both study, so obviously I’m aware that you know it.”
Jamil rolled his eyes. Of course Azul had to make everything more complicated.
“... But yes, you were right. It wasn’t just about Andromeda. And M31”
“... What’s the deal with that?”
“What about it? Do you not believe my words? I made a big act of benevolence by telling you all of that without a prince to pay, you know?”
Again with the prices. Is that all he talked about? “... Why? Why do you try so hard with me? To have me by your side. To understand me.”
Azul closed the water of the sink, cleaning his hands before putting back on his white gloves. He looked to the side, watching the high wall of the aquarium. He knew he made the best choice by putting bright blue lights underwater. It gave a melancholy feeling. The same light of the surface seen from underwater on a sunny day.
“... I told you, didn’t I? Was it not clear enough? Very well.”
He faced Jamil. “Because I’m tired of being alone. And I know you’re sick of it too. I’ll always be grateful to have Jade and Floyd with me, but… It’s different with you. Or at least, it would be.”
Jamil took a deep breath. “What do you really want? To enslave me?”
“Enslave?” It was Azul’s turn to sound almost shocked.
“Make me work at the Lounge with you? Make me cook? Babysit Floyd or something?”
“I wouldn’t dream of putting more chains on you. And Floyd doesn’t need a babysitter.” Azul leaned against the cafe's counter.
“Then what?”
“You really don't know how to read between the lines?”
“Of course I do. But I want to hear you say it. I need the utmost certainty.”
“... I want you to trust me. Open up to me and let me in. Let me see what I haven’t seen yet. The most authentic side of you.” His hand moved, stopping to rest where his heart was. “Give me your heart.”
“Would you even be able to take care of it? It’s not something easy to keep.”
“Have you forgotten who you're talking to? I treasure all of my belongings.”
“If you say so, then... Let’s make a deal, Azul.”
For the first time ever, Azul heard the other pronounce these words. For a moment, he thought he heard wrong.
He walked over to Jamil. To make a contract between equals means to have equal roles and to be on an equal ground. Having the counter between them wouldn’t be right. They now stood in the middle of the lounge, none of them open enough to stand closer.
“That’s my line, Jamil-san. But I could never turn down such an offer proposed by the Jamil Viper in person. Let’s hear your proposal.”
“... Free me. Free me, and I’ll be yours.”
“Free you? I’m going to need you to be more specific.”
“Free me from this pain. From the loneliness of being in the dark. Of being overshadowed. Do it, and you’ll have my heart.”
“By being mine, you would be free. I could never keep you chained in a dark room. It’s granted I’d keep you under my personal spotlight. But, are you sure this is all you want? You can ask for more, you know? I don’t want you to settle for any less than what you deserve. I’ll make sure to grant your every other desire.”
Settle for less than he deserved. It’s the first time someone didn’t want Jamil to settle. “That’s all I want. To be freed. From the pain at least. For the rest of my desires, that’s up to me to make them a reality. Just, please, don’t lie about your feelings. We don’t need more time wasted.”
“Wise words, those are. But that’s valid only if you’re also honest about yours. An equality rule both parties have to respect. I am the eccentric character I try to be. I also want to feel wanted.”
“If I wasn’t honest about my feelings, and if I wasn’t ready to pursue this path, I wouldn’t have followed you through the mirror. But since I get to be selfish… You’ll have my heart. Wouldn’t it make it fair if I also had yours?”
“To be the fair one isn’t your role. Or you would have been in Pomefiore. You wish for me to give you my heart, but I cannot give you something you already own, Jamil-san.”
“Then this is all.”
“Perfect. This shall be it. Since this isn’t a material exchange, a material form of the contract isn’t needed. Do you still wish to have one? It’ll be ready in a day, you can have time to reflect on your actions in the meantime. We wouldn’t want any regrets, am I right?”
He actually took the deal seriously, to a business level. The businessman version of Azul in front of him felt different. Yet it didn’t feel threatening. Just empty. Empty of the lies he would say and he would be supposed to believe.
It was impressive, the way he really did go over every needed detail. Maybe it just comes natural to him.
“Not needed.”
“Alright, this settles it, then. Can I do something else for you, Jamil-san?”
He took a few steps forward. His feet never felt this heavy. Kalim was probably waiting for him back at the dorm. He’d need to help with cleaning. Still. He stopped right in front of the new owner of his core. “... You better honor this contract, Azul. It’s probably the first and last one you’ll do with me.”
“Jamil-san, you should know I honor every one of my contracts.” Azul uncrossed his arms to let them fall beside his fame.
They slowly moved, his hands reached for Jamil’s. Gently, his fingers tangled with the other’s. Just a bit, letting Jamil have all the space and time to back away if wanted.
He didn’t, though. Instead, he brushed his cheek against Azul’s. He spoke low, almost whispering, as if trying to not ruin the moment, in Azul’s ear. “Kalim’s waiting for me. What should I do?”
“... Do you want to hide this?”
“I just don’t want people to ruin it.”
“... Then go. Go back to him and act like usual. You already know my usual activities, don’t you? I could see you stalking.”
Jamil snorted. “I’m no stalker.”
Azul giggled lightly. “Of course. But you know how I spend my days. My door is open for you. Just be careful around the twins.”
“... You could come too. Kalim is happy to see people around, and the students could use a bit more peer tutoring with the other most studious dorm. Hopefully with no overblots this time.”
“That is a great plan, Jamil-san. As for the overblot, we’ll make sure nothing happens.”
“... I’ll see you around then?”
“Obviously… Can I have one last word before you go?”
“Mn?”
Azul rested his lips on Jamil’s jawline. “You look stunning tonight. The idea of putting your dorm uniform’s arm tie instead of any ribbon was a brilliant move. It made you stand out.”
Jamil smiled slightly, leaving a light kiss on Azul’s cheek. It wasn’t a total stamp kiss, he stayed there for a few seconds more than required. After, he left, and the Lounge was back to its eerie silence.
While leaving, he reflected for a moment. He didn’t even register that he had actually kissed the octopus. He forced his face to not heat up at the memory.
It was incredible the way the envy and jealousy he had been feeling all along was simply a masked attraction. That didn’t mean, obviously, that Jamil wasn’t hurting every time he was reminded of all the freedom Azul was given or that he had always loved the other’s facade, because that was wrong.
But Azul had given him a way out and a way in. Out of his cursed routine, and a way inside of his world. He showed vulnerability. Those new sights had caught Jamil bad, that was for sure.
—
His room. His sweet, personal, room. Finally. The clock read 4.00 am and only now he was back. The party ended way later than he thought. Obviously, what did he even expect?
All he wanted to do was lay down. So he took his clothes off, carefully, taking his time to not ruin them. He didn’t really enjoy the dance itself, but those clothes felt good on him. He liked the shape, and the freedom they gave him to move around. Ruining such good clothes would be a shame.
After, Jamil climbed on his bed. The fatigue of cleaning the whole dorm lounge had settled in his bones, doubling their weight. The comfort of his bed sheets felt heavenly. But before allowing himself to sleep, there was something he wanted to do.
Like every other night, he took his book out of a small box he hid under his bed.
As always, you were right. I don’t think I’m alone anymore. _
Do you know why the Envy took the shape of a flower? Because after taking away its thorns, it’s harmless as a tulip. Now, all it does is spread beauty.
I told you its demise would be an important event. Tell me, are you happy?
You should be. The mirror has officially broken, and as predicted, what mattered the most was the patience you had.
You should hold onto this newfound company. The mirror broke by itself, but it takes a lot of courage to strip off every wall and protection. This is something worthy of praise. Remember that.
But regardless, you both gained something, someone. Like a blank space, it’s up to you to make of this person what you’d like. You may make them a friend. A safe space.
The label you’ll assign them matters little though. What is important is the shared path you will walk together.
Congratulations, Jamil.
This new beginning will be important for you. _
Jamil closed the book. He’ll have the chance to talk about his feelings another time, he was too tired for it now. He placed it back where it was, pushing the box back under the bed, hiding it.
He shoved it back in the shadows, just as he did with his feelings, usually at least. Letting them out never felt good, safe, like it was the right thing to do. Yet, maybe, just this time, he could do an exception. People say change is good for a reason, right?
Jamil hid his face under one of his many pillows, hiding the pink flush painting his face. He prayed the coolness of the pillow would lower the temperature of his cheeks.
His body was begging him to rest, he had struggled writing that single sentence in the book, but his mind was as lucid as it’s ever been. It was wide awake, and it kept replaying all of the events he lived that night.
So he didn’t fight the memories, letting them occupy the totality of his mind. Where they were. How he was dressed. All the words they exchanged. The way they looked at each other.
Until the memories morphed into thoughts. The newfound happiness replaced by an analytical void.
He noticed small details he had missed. Small things he would erase.
He hated his mind for it. But he hated his mind even more for that little voice. There, in the back, a little voice reminded him that having a boyfriend, or anyone he actually cared for, would only make his life more complicated than what it already was.
Which was true. He barely had time for himself, where was he going to find the time to have a lover? He had to worry about Kalim too. He could tell him, maybe, but he surely couldn’t tell Kalim’s parents. What about his own parents? The option didn’t sound too secure. Not to mention all the problems post Night Raven College.
But he wasn’t going to let his mind ruin it. For at least now, he let his heart enjoy the new feeling of joy. Who could tell if he will ever get the chance to feel it again.
And just as he was in between reality and dreams, inside him a new seed bloomed. Not envy, desire. A feeling of wanting to make certain, new, experiences. And with a particular someone too.
The last thing he remembered before falling asleep, was asking himself if the other half of the contract felt the same way.