Chapter Text
You had been the part of straw pirates since months now, you enjoyed their company and they enjoyed yours likewisely so. You loved how carefree and sweet all of them are, you love each and every member equally, or maybe you love a certain blonde man more than the others; Sanji.
You developed a little crush on him, you knew it was ridiculous but you ended up loving him a bit too much, the way he spills compliments around like they are flowers, the way he puts his soul into each meal he prepares no matter how insignificant, the way he carries a sense of kindness within his heart.
Well, you'd be lying if you said you didn't find his looks attractive, he is very attractive and the pristine suits make him much more closer to your type than anything else. He is exactly your type: sweet, gentle, kind, unafraid, affectionate, well-mannered, charismatic, and god knows what; he's fucking perfect.
On a lazy day, you and Nami are talking about silly stuff, when you find yourself glazing at the blonde chef distributing everyone their drinks. Your eyes lit up, a playful grin playing on your lips, chin resting on your palm as you wait for him to get to you and Nami.
He has grown a bit shy around you; you noticed. He would blush up whenever you mention how good looking he is, how much of an amazing person he is, each compliment turns his cheeks red.
With a soft clicks of his boots on the wooden deck, he walks towards you and Nami with a shy gaze, settling your drinks on the table, “Here, for my beautiful ladies”, he says with a smile.
“Thank you, sanji-kun”, Nami takes the glass and thanks him with a smile.
You glaze at him dearly, fondly almost openly showing your love towards him, which seems to pretend he doesn't notice, “Uhm, is something wrong, y/n-chan?”, he asks scratching the back of his neck as your gaze seems to be fixed on him.
“No, just couldn't take my eyes off you 'cause you look so dashing and handsome today”, you flirt playfully with a wink directed at him. “Oh my, there you go again!”, Nami says with sip of her drink.
“Me? Handsome?”, he repeats in disbelief as if he has never heard you say that before, which you always did. “Not at all, y/n-chan. I'm nothing, just a—”, his heart warmed up at the words, stomach flipped at the mere words of appreciation. He knew he was stupid for it but he couldn't help it.
“No, you're looking handsome today”, you cut him off immediately with a smile. His cheeks warmed up at the words, his gaze averted to his boots as he fidgeted with his sleeve absentmindedly, “Y-you're too kind”, he manages.
You exhale softly and smile lightly, “You don't have to be so uptight y'know?”
“What? I'm not- I'm just- just not used to this”, he blurts out, a hand ruffling through his blonde hair shyly because he didn't know what else to do; you found it adorable, “I'll leave now, enjoy your drinks and let me know if you need anything else”
“Sure thing sweetie~!”, you say with a grin as he walks away stumbling slightly as he hears you cal him "sweetie". Chuckling at his adorable reactions, you found it soo adorable that you can't help yourself from teasing him.
~~~
Making your way to the galley, with a soft click you open the door. You're met with the sight of Sanji cooking; sleeves rolled up till elbows, coat casted aside on a chair, tie slightly loosen, an unlit cigarette forgotten between his lips.
He is lost, too lost in cooking to notice your presence, you quietly walk up near him, hands behind your back leaning forward, close, too close. “What are you making, Sanji-san?”, you ask.
He lets out a startled gasp as your presence finally registers in his mind, you're close, too close to him, his breath hitches, hands tremble slightly frozen mid-air, “Y/n-chan! You scared me”
You let out a soft laugh at his reaction, “Hehe~ meant to do it! Should I help you?”, you ask rolling up your sleeves.
“What? A lady like you shouldn't need to—”, you give him a soft glaze which makes him pause, “I want to!”, smiling brightly as a sun— he feels blinded by your smile and kindness, always has been.
“You're most welcome to, mon amour”, he hums softly steadying himself.
--
You always shared such sweet moments with sanji and they had become the most sweet memories for you, you knew he liked you back; it was pretty obvious as Nami, Robin and Ussop would say. You just waited for him to realize, you didn't want to rush into a relationship.
One particular night when everyone has retired to their bunks, you and Sanji spend some time in the kitchen, together while he washes the dishes. Sitting on the counter top of the kitchen, feets dangling off as you face him.
His hair looked soft, you didn't know why but before you could even think your hand was lightly touching his strands causing him to pause in surprise, “That's- uhm, y/n-chan?”
“Sorry, I just thought they looked soft and kinda nice”, you reply slightly pulling back your hand.
“I don't mind it, do you like them?”, he asks with a tinge of sweetness in his voice.
“Yes, mon beau”, you reply with grin playing on your lips. His eyes widen at the nickname used, red blush, again, welling up on his cheeks before his smile flatters as if he realized something, “Stop that”, he says averting his gaze back to the dishes giving off a sad hint.
“Why? It's nothing much. Just a nickna—”, he cuts you off with a serious tone this time, “Stop, you need to stop”, a tone that brook no further arguments.
The smile flattered on your lips, “Why? I am just being myself. You can't ask me to stop”, your fingers clenching the edges of the countertop.
“I'm not someone you should try to be with”, his gaze stayed on the dishes as he cleaned while speaking, as if he wasn't talking about a serious matter here.
“And why's that?”, you question biting down on your lower lip.
“You know it y/n-chan! The blood I carry, the background, the man I am— you deserve so much better than this! I'm not worthy of your love!”, his voice sounded rough on the edges but sad on the interior.
“I know it all and I don't car—”
“You should! And I will not let you argue further on this”, he cut you off as if he didn't love you the way you did, as if he didn't feel the same way as you did.
You got off the countertop to grab him by the collar and make him face you, “Say that again with your gaze on me”, you order, almost.
He averts his gaze again, but you held firm this time, palm to his cheeks forcing him to keep his gaze on you. His hands clenched tightly into fists at his sides, water dripping down his knuckles as he considers you with a dark glint in his gaze, “I am not someone you should be with, you deserve better. I'm a piece of shit who doesn't even deserve to share the same space as you let alone stand by your side. I would be happy if I could be just the dust beneath your fo—”
Putting a hand to his lips, you cut off his sentence, “Don't. I can't- just, your gaze is telling me enough! Why can't you be honest with your feelings? Why can't you say that you—”
This time he cuts you off, removing your hand from his lips, he speaks in that same dead and monotonous tone which gives you the creeps, “I'm being honest. I can't pursue you, no, I don't deserve to. I'm not even worth a single glance, don't give me the falsatory of being yours”, he lies again, firmer this time hoping she wouldn't try look further into him, but he knew you see right through him already.
“I'm sorry, it's not you- it's just me. I'm not the right man for you”, he lies again with a dark glint in his eyes. His heart was breaking in pieces while speaking, he had been clenching his fists so tight that they hurt. He treasure his hands, however, he couldn't get himself to stop.
Hurting her like this, he really is the worst but he can't be with her. He carries foul blood in his veins, he might be a monster like them. He can't, he doesn't deserve to, be with her.
“That's for me to decide!”, you snap finally at him, tears welling up in your eyes. His heart shatters at the sight of it, he hates this, it feels the same as hurting Luffy with foul and poisonous words back in the whole cake island.
His heart is being daggered each time, however, it's for her. He must brace himself, even if she ends up hating him, “Yes, it is. But It wouldn't matter unless I feel the same, would it?”
“You don't feel the same?”, you ask with focused gaze. You know him well enough to know he is trying to push you away with this because he believes he is not good enough for you. However, what you didn't consider was him going so far.
“I don't”, it came out cold, rough, unforgiving. Hands dropping to your side as you kept your gaze on him; you could tell he is lying but couldn't prove it.
Gritting your teeth, you grab him by the collar, “Stop lying!”, your voice came out harsher than you wanted it to, you couldn't help it. He keeps lying with that face that barely looks like it's cooperating with his mouth, his gaze that seems to speak something entirely different from his lips.
“I'm not lying”, he manages out despite the heaviness welling up in his heart. Was this the right choice? Was he doing the right thing?
It'll be fine; he reassures himself. He can't be with her, he can't let a man like himself be with her. He carries the dirty blood of that bastard, what if he turns into a monster he constructed? That wasn't a faraway possibility he knew it well after the incidents that took place during the war in wano.
“Look inside your fucking heart! You liar”, you jap a finger at his chest as he regards with the same expression— soulless. Pretending to be soulless, more accurately but failing to do so miserably.
When he doesn't give a response you wanted to hear, “Fine, suit yourself then. If you'll be so stubborn about it then, fine. I will not accept a thing from you now— not even your food!”
His eyes dilate at the words, wait what? Did he went too far? No, it can't be. She might not mean it, yeah. She just said it in the heat of moment, yeah.
“Think long and hard about it!”, with that you stomp out of the kitchen.
You immediately go off to Nami and Robin in women's quarters. Seeing your dulled face, they instantly knew something was wrong. “what happened?”, Robin asks in her smooth caressing tone.
“It's just Sanji-san”, you narrate everything that occured with a sad and low tone. Nami sighs softly upon hearing, “I thought he would be dying to be with you! But that's so harsh! I'll go and tell him off right now. How could he be so harsh to you?”
“No, you don't need to. I don't want your relation with him to be ruined because of me”, you stop her immediately. “Oh, my y/n, you're so sweet! But that was harsh!”
“I agree with Nami. I think he might have some insecurities about himself since you know, he carries the blood of vinsmokes”, Robin concedes with her critical thinking, “It still feels harsh though”
“I told him, I won't accept a thing from him even his food”, you mention.
“what? And he didn't utter a word back?”, Nami says with a shocking expression as you shake your head, “Ugh! No way!”
“That's very surprising”, Robin says with a hum pondering over the thought.
“Let's leave it all upon him for now. I'm sure he will realize it soon enough, he's smart enough”, Robin concludes softly.
You nod understanding and believing in Robin's analysis. “You think so? I doubt it”, Nami replies, “It just feels too off”
Next early morning, Sanji is preparing for breakfast but his usual smile he carries while cooking is gone replaced with a bland expression, eyes sulken as he couldn't sleep well, “Good morning, sanji-kun”, Robin greets him sweetly. Most of the straw hats are sleeping right now, Robin took the effort to wake up early to know Sanji's side of the story.
“Oh, Good morning, Robin-chan. You're up early today”, he manages a weak smile. Sitting down, robin smiles softly as she reads a book.
“Would you like some tea?”, he asks softly with a rougher edge to his tone from the lack of sleep and heavy smoking last night.
“Yes, sure. More importantly, you look like you didn't slept well”, she assess with a gaze on him, eyes flicking from the books to land on him, chin resting on her palm as she regards him.
“Not at all, robin-chan. I'm fine”, he smiles weakly to her pretending to be fine as he keeps tea on the stove for her.
“Seems like Ussop rubbed off on you a bit. Is he training you to lie or something?”, she says with a sarcastic humourous tone, she didn't want it to be an uptight conversation.
“I- no”, he pauses, gaze diverting down the counter as if he is doing something wrong.
Once the tea is ready, he serves it in a classic tea cup, setting it down near her, “Here you go”, he manages. He can't seem to bring himself in his usual swooning nature right now. Heart too heavy to be carried in his chest.
“I heard everything from y/n about yesterday”, she says sipping her tea calmly. He stops in his tracks, body froze in place, “I- is that so?”, he didn't know how to react. He wishes Luffy would burst through the door asking for food, imagining various scenarios to avoid this conversation but nothing of the sort happened.
“Why did you lie? You love her, don't you?”, she asks calmly, not pruding just a calm reminder.
He sits down across her, “I don't. You're mistaken”, he says with the same monotonous tone and dark glint in his eyes. He wishes it could be over already.
“Your expression says otherwise”, robin mentions softly, a reminder to his open book expression playing on his face which he believes he hid well.
“I-..”, he exhales deeply, lighting his cigarette and taking a deep drag from it, “I love her, yes. But I'm not a man she should be with”
“Isn't that for her to decide?”, She reminds him again, that yes, it was her decision to make.
He runs a hand through blonde hair as he thinks about the words, “Yes, but she doesn't know me! The me who could be a fucking monster just like them. I can't be with her when I'm not sure what I am myself! Would you even consider me a human after that activated?”
Lifting her gaze, she twitches an eyebrow, “What do you mean by that?”
He opens his mouth to speak but hesitates if he should be speaking about this, “I awakened my genetic modifications in Wano; Exoskeleton. I'm afraid I'm becoming like them- I can't be with her while I possess such dangerous genetics”
“You- what? Does anyone knows about this?”, she lets her cup down as she regards him with shocking tone.
“Chopper. Probably Zoro and Luffy if they understood”, he mumbles as if ashamed of himself.
Robin exhales deeply, this atleast confirms that his concerns are genuine, “Alright. I understand that you fear the modifications sanji-kun but I would suggest you tell her everything truthfully. Decision should be hers after knowing everything”
“I can't-! Robin-chan, that's very dangerous. She shouldn't have to put up with me, she can have anyone better than me out there!”, he exclaims with a deep saddened heart. He fears, a bit too much to let her in.
“I'm not asking you to tell her right now. You can take your time, think and tell. But think hard about it”, she advises softly.
Robin's words from the early morning drifted in his head. It's time for breakfast now, Luffy is clinging forks with each other asking for food, “Sanji meshi meshii”
“Got it, stay still for a while!”, he snarks back.
You enter the kitchen when the interaction is taking place, sanji gives you a smile as if the things from last night didn't even occur. “What would you like y/n-chan? The usual—”
“I don't need your food”, you reply sharply instantly cutting him off. The clinging of forks together from Luffy paused as he sensed the tense atmosphere.
“You sure? Sanji's food is delicious!”, he says licking his lips.
“I don't need anything from this man”, you reply rolling up your sleeves to prepare your own food.
“Wait- y/n-chan. You don't have to, I'll do it; I'm the cook!”, he exclaims trying to stop you.
You glance him a sharp gaze, “I wasn't lying unlike you last night”, you snark back.
His heart drops at the words, he didn't thought you were serious, so serious that you would restort to this. Luffy sensed the tension between you and him, “What happened between you guys?”
“Stay out of this luffy”, you suggest to him. He gulps nodding thinking you look like nami right now.
Ussop enters through the door and raises an eyebrow at the peculiar sight before him; Sanji looking heartbroken? off (maybe not so much, okay), you cooking? Very off, Luffy sitting too quietly? Too much off.
He could sense the tensed atmosphere in the kitchen, “Uhm, what's going on? Why is y/n cooking today?”, he says as he sits beside Luffy.
“Shut it ussop!”, Sanji snaps back before facing you again, “Wait- mon amour. I- I'm really sorry alright? Please don't do this- don't take away my right to cook for you”
You ignore him as if he doesn't while cut the vegetables for an omlette, you didn't know much about cooking but you weren't too bad either, “You should've thought about it yesterday! I told you I wouldn't accept anything from you”
Luffy and Ussop gulp at the heated exchange. Ussop whispers to Luffy, “Ne, Luffy what happened here?”
“Don't know”, he says aloud. You give them a quick sharp glare which sends shivers down their spines.
“Sanji-san, you should serve Luffy and Ussop. They are waiting”, you try to indulge him in other things so that you can cook in peace.
He exhales deeply, it's not a big deal, he can do it, just some time then it'll be back to normal. He serves Luffy and Ussop, Ussop's appetite has disappeared but Luffy eats without a care in the world.
Then came in Chopper and Zoro through the door, raising an eyebrow at the sight. You, cooking? Weird. But Zoro doesn't mention it, however Chopper's curiousity couldn't contain itself, “Ne, why is—”
Ussop shhs him by keeping his hand on his mouth, “Shh chopper. Something happened between them and they are both very off today. You shouldn't mention it-”, he whispers.
You made your own breakfast, lunch and dinner. The straw hats obviously questioned it but you didn't need to tell them, they understood you don't want to share it. Sanji couldn't bear the sight of it, his heart shatters each second you indugled in the kitchen cooking for yourself.
His heart drowns in the waters of guilt, he wishes he hadn't said anything the previous night and nothing of sort would've happened. He runs a hand through his blonde hair, taking a drag from his cigarette while staring at the waves of the sea. He clicks his tongue as he cigarette runs out, going through his packet; he realizes it's over already.
A frustrated sigh leaves his lips, he has finished 7 packs today, 3 more than his usual. Biting down on his lower lip, he clenches the railing tightly, he hates this. You didn't eat a single bite of his food; completely owing up to your words.
He can't let this drag on more than it already has but what is he supposed to do to make you stop? Hissing under his breath at the thought, trying to figure out what to do while he watches the sun set in silence.
“I- fucking messed up”