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Your name is John Egbert, and you’re not quite sure how well you’re taking being a troll.
There are just so many feelings.
Right now, you know why Karkat kept chattering on and giving lectures to all of you about the quadrants whenever you’d give him the time of day, and constantly praising them, even if Rose would always shove into it and point out that they seemed more like propaganda than anything.
And you really, really wish you had listened more closely to them, because wow you were not ready for that onslaught of emotions you suddenly felt when you’d adjusted and woke up in a troll’s body.
One hazy look at Dave through your barely open-eyes and hindered by the lack of your glasses, with his sunglasses and ashen skin that used to be pink and fleshy but is now grey and tough and really not suiting the look of worry that your could see plain as day displayed on it and your heart was suddenly doing flips, and oh god all you wanted to do was grab him and pull him onto the nearest pile of fluffy things you could find and just shoosh-pap all of those stupid insecurities a guy as amazing as him really shouldn’t have but did and oh god you really, really couldn’t take it.
And you did. You immediately jumped out of your bed that Rose (shit shit shit you wanted to get her in a pile too but it wasn’t as bad as this, you just really needed to get there with Dave oh god why do trolls suck) and grabbed the boy. You left behind Rose’s startled calls of your name and within no time you’d built up a pile and dumped Dave down onto it and just cuddled him.
All the while he’d stared at you, incredulous and with a look of Egbert-what-the-fuck plastered all over his gray skin.
You spent god-knows how long on that pile of whatever, just talking – about your problems, about his problems, and you both cried more than once, mourning, mending each others’ scars and letting all of your emotions out. Somewhere along the line, through all the tears, gross sobbing, sheepish laughter followed up by a quietly muttered “no homo” to silently say you’re still there and that you’re the same as you have been and always will be, you realised that this was why Karkat was so hurt when Gamzee left his pale quadrant. Because this, this. You couldn’t really describe it. You were talking, just talking as you always had even though it was so different now, so much more painful and emotional and warm . Your brain, or maybe your instincts, to this day you’re not sure, you acknowledged that you had the biggest pale crush ever on your best bro and to be perfectly honest you wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Whatever it was that made you want to simultaneously want to shoosh-pap, kiss the ever living daylights out of, beat the shit from and get in the way of anything and everyone that moved and showed emotions died down after that, and you didn’t feel as bad for a bit, though you still had a horrible urge to drag Dave over to a pile whenever you saw him. Being your moirail, he swung by pretty often, bring news of the ever-changing world and told you about all of it.
How Jade was having the time of her life being a troll, having nothing else to miss. Of course, she often mentioned she missed Bec, but then Nepeta would come along and wriggle into her arms and they two of them would cuddle for a bit before they launched into another roleplay, their personal favourite being of the story of the Cat in the Hat, and then a gleefully cackling Terezi would show up with her confidence back and her wounds buried to come out another day, followed by Vriska with her mask on straight and perfectly hiding her guilt, followed by Tavros, and then they were all laughing and talking and roleplaying together and suddenly the jade-blooded Jade seemed just fine, if only for the moment, even if the others weren’t as fine.
How Rose and Kanaya had officially become a thing (“Red for Kanaya, I totally didn’t see that shit coming, I’m mind blown over here. I’m fucking joking Egderp, don’t give me that look, it was as obvious as an elephant in a bundle of hay.”) and was already working on a peace treaty for establishing and warming the ice-cold ties between the seadwellers and landdwellers with Feferi, Eridan and Gamzee’s help (though Dave made perfectly sure to drill it into John’s brain that Gamzee was along for the ride simply for intimidation’s sake, not because he was of any help or anything).
How he hadn’t heard much from the alpha kids; supposedly they had landed somewhere half way across Alternia, and Sollux was currently in the process of discerning where so that you could all go and mount a rescue expedition to go help them out. Last he had heard, Roxy was committing pale infidelity and Jake and Dirk were in a kismesistude, having found a substitute for their lingering feelings and rivalry all in one.
How Dave had fallen ass-backwards into a matespriteship with Karkat and how much he pitied the tiny, angry troll, and on more than one occasion he took it upon himself to discuss some of the more intimate parts of his and “Karcuddle’s” relationship until you threw a pillow at his face and groaned loudly. He’d just laugh, that asshole. Karkat accompanied Dave once to your hive, and he looked the same as ever. Somehow, seeing how close they were, when Dave would quietly whisper something to the smaller troll and peck his nose on occasion, making him into a blush and when Karkat would absently rub one of Dave’s horns and send him into a purring mess; somehow that made you ache a little. Stupid troll feelings.
You kept to your house - well, hive, you supposed – most of the time, using your husktop to communicate with the world but still, you were a growing human – troll, troll gotta remember that – and growing up is hard and always has and will be.
Then you saw Rose and Vriska outside your hive, both bearing gifts that were wrapped up ever so delicately, both with small touches of themselves on it (You couldn’t help but crack a smile at Vriska’s wrapping paper – little cartoon spiders, like you expected anything else) but oh god they were so loud and so waxing black for each other and the feelings came back and shit you were so gray for them.
It took you barely a second to leap out of your hive, and you were instantly getting in between them – something told you that this would be a dangerous black relationship and you needed to put a stop to it. But really, you didn’t need to be told that because Rose and Vriska – Rose, with her violet blood geneocidal tendencies, if Eridan was anything to go by, and Vriska’s mind control? – was a horrible, horrible combination.
You pushed them aside, a small voice in your mind chanting graygraygraygray and you really wished you knew the actual name for it because you have to admit you didn’t really listen about this quadrant. But it all came naturally, even though you had no idea what the fuck you were doing, and you managed to satiate them for a bit. Vriska shot a glance at Rose, who simply waggled an eyebrow back threateningly (you had no idea how she managed that particular combination, but she did somehow).
A few hours later they had given you their gifts, you had caught up and they had set back off, arguing again and making you want to just follow them back home so that they would help this stupid gray panging that wouldn’t go away wow why won’t these feelings get off your bulge already.
Of course, as though those weren’t hard enough, somewhere down the line Sollux begins contacting you.
The first time he pestered you about asking for a favour (“hey jh ii know we don’t talk much but ii need your help for a biit”), you weren’t sure what to think. You’d never actually talked to Sollux, even though Dave talked about him enough times that you remember Karkat initially getting a little jealous over it (one sloppy makeout right in front of you later and he was fine again). From what you knew, he was a, and you quote, “douchbag of a troll who had the social abilities of the very same bee’s he kept”. You’d always intended to talk to him, but never really got the chance to.
Okay, that’s a lie, you were always kind of intimidated by the idea of talking to him. Needless to say, you didn’t really know what to do.
So you said hi, and Sollux proceeded to chide you and say “ii diidn’t even 2ay hii, dumba22.” He pestered you again the next night.
And the next, and the next, until you two talked every night, sometimes over into the day until you remember to type “shitshitshit my eyes are burning oh my god i need to go it’s too bright out for me.”, and he’d tease you for being forgetful and you’d laugh back, both typing it out and laughing in reality.
Soon enough, you’d find yourself waiting for those times that Sollux would contact you, or at least log on so you could contact him and even though you’d only seen him in person once and for a spilt second you could imagine how he looked whenever he talked. Whenever he teased you, you could imagine him with a lopsided smile, chuckling to himself as he typed away. Whenever he laughed, you could imagine he’d scrunch up his face and laugh, and it would be the only time he wouldn’t be typing a response as he reacted. Whenever he was self-depreciating, you could imagine he’d be sitting there, all alone, locked in his hive. Whenever you told him that wasn’t the case, he’d give a small smile to himself.
Your stomach began to flip a little as you spent more time talking to him, and whenever he typed like he was really enjoying talking to you, you would feel your heart start beating, just a fraction faster. You asked Dave about it in one of your next feelings jams. He asked Karkat about it, and came back with the response that you were probably flushed for him.
Well, fuck. As though your life wasn’t hard enough by itself, now you were flushed by a guy who’s voice you’d never even heard. You were pretty sure if you did hear it, though, you’d fall apart and melt then and there.
So, on Karkat’s orders late one evening, you did what any sane, young troll would do. You paid a visit to his hive. And shit, when he opened the door and saw you and did that little breathy “JH?” question as though he didn’t actually know if you were there or not you kind of just lunged at him in a fit of stupid troll feelings. At least you had confirmed if you had actually been flushed for him or not. When he hugged you back, it was little you could do to not instantly kiss him.
(It didn’t exactly hold him back, though.)
You didn’t know how to react to black romance, though. You don't know how to deal with it. You don’t even know the term for it. All you know is that, wow, hating someone should not have been as hot as it is.
Clearly it was enough, and your stupid troll feelings got to you and now you’re getting a first-hand taste of black romance, right on the floor in your hive.
And your first reaction to it is, “Wow, why the fuck are auspices even a thing that’s needed.”
Bro pulls away for a minute, a cruel little smirk that sends your entire body fuming again and you remember that you really, really dislike this guy no matter how great his hands make you feel. Who’s he to say who you should be moirails with? What, are you not good enough for Dave or something?
“Yeah, you’d do anything for a little action. God knows you wouldn’t be able to get any otherwise.” He replies, the stupid smirk still there and it’s a lot less endearing than the one Dave wears. You’re about to come up with a witty response and hold your own in this clusterfuck of a quadrant but suddenly you don’t really care anymore because his hands are sliding all over you and ghosting over your back and rubbing your shoulders and slipping into your hair.
It’s all rough, not nearly as gentle as anything with Sollux has been and the differences make your head swirl. You also haven’t gone as far as this with Sollux, especially not with a guy who you used to know as a human so you might just be internally freaking out, contributing to some of the head swirling because wow wait this is Dave's - your moirail's brother staring at you with such horrible eyes. But hey; you’re a troll now. Might as well try something new, right? You grab his shirt and pull him down, and he makes a small noise and you’re pretty sure you did that too hard. Not that you care, but you’re careful to remind yourself not to go too overboard on this because you’re not quite sure how Dave will react to finding out you’re hate-banging his brother.
Actually, thinking about it, Bro will probably tell him on purpose just to irritate you, so you prop one arm and roll over and you’re pretty sure you’ve just topped him. He stares at you, and you smirk lowly, a deep loathing on your face because how dare he say you’re not worth being Dave’s moirail and the thought irritates you so much that you instantly attack his face and kiss him in the roughest way you can muster.
This was, apparently, the right thing to do because Bro starts sucking your lower lip and you bit down, hard, on the tongue that that keeps trying to break into your mouth and he makes a noise, pulling away for a minute.
“Damn son.” He pants.
“Fuck you.” You pant back.
You dive right back into action, and you think one more thing before your mind shuts down for the evening.
Being a troll sucks, there are too many feelings, but damn if it isn’t interesting.
Shit, wait, that was three.