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In fact, it’s when we think that everything is going well that it’s not at all the case.
For some time now, Woonhak hasn't been doing very well.
Although he thought at first that he was just sick and that it would pass, it was actually much more serious than that.
Doing what he wanted, he obviously didn't tell anyone about it.
Neither to his family, nor to his friends, nor to his agency, nor to his fans and even less to his members whom he considered as his brothers.
The poor boy didn't want to worry anyone.
He was more afraid of seeing them worried than ending up in a hospital bed.
For him, it was inconceivable and it was bound to go away.
Everything will get better, that's what he tried to repeat every day, every day he felt his body weakening.
But every day he saw the smiles of people he loved deeply, made him even more determined to keep his secret.
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
It all started slowly with his vision.
He had the habit of sometimes staying very late and alone in the rehearsal room to correct his mistakes or just to improve.
Except that that evening, he found the light in the rehearsal room too bright.
Woonhak blinked once. Twice.
The right side of his field of vision remained blurry.
He took off his lenses. Nothing changed.
Maybe he thinks the light is stronger today.
When he turns his eye to the left, a sharp pain passes through his head. Like a needle behind the pupil.
He says it's fatigue. That it will surely pass.
After all, everyone is tired.
Except that that evening, he didn't close his eyes all night.
The next day, dark circles are visible, even more than usual.
Jaehyun asks him if he slept, he laughs saying he played all night.
Sungho scolds him a bit, but everyone ends up teasing him.
Because everyone believes it.
Two days later, he went to the ophthalmologist, already thinking that the problem would be resolved.
He still lies to his members and claims to see a friend urgently. They believe it blindly.
— Your optic nerve is inflamed.
—Inflamed...? Woonhak doesn't understand.
—It's probably not just fatigue. I prefer to send you to neurology.
The word hangs in the air.
Neurology.
And for the first time in a while, Woonhak shivers...
Because he is afraid
The diagnosis comes very quickly.
MRI, thud, narrow machine. And the hospital smell.
That smell that everyone hates.
Then another.
Then a lumbar puncture.
The neurologist places the images on the screen.
Small white spots.
Woonhak is lost, he thinks it's a joke, that the neurologist will tell him it was a mistake and he can go back to the dorm.
— Woonhak-ssi… Tests show inflammatory lesions in your brain.
Silence. Woonhak feels suffocated.
— They are compatible with multiple sclerosis.
He doesn't understand, he's never heard of it but knows it's serious when he sees the doctor's face.
— It’s an autoimmune disease. Your immune system attacks the sheath that protects your nerves.
Woonhak only thinks of one thing.
— Is that… can it be cured?
— We cannot cure the disease. But we can slow down its evolution.
His gaze trembles slightly.
— Do you have a physical job?
He nods slowly, as if he still doesn't realize what's happening.
— Dancer. Singer.
The doctor hesitates.
— Some things will probably have to be adapted.
The world becomes blurry.
Again.
After that he is no longer the same.
Well, he is still in front of the camera and others, but deep down he feels that he is gradually disappearing.
He continues the corticosteroid infusions for five days.
And in secret of course.
He doesn't sleep, he doesn't sleep anymore. His heart is beating too fast.
The metallic taste does not leave him.
The agency knows. Woonhak told them.
His family knows, except his little sister to whom he continues to smile and affirm that he is fine.
On the phone, his mother and father break down.
They threaten the agency to come and get Woonhak immediately so that he stays with them.
Without knowing how, Woonhak managed to persuade them otherwise.
The members still don't know anything.
He definitely doesn't want them to know. He wants to tell them about himself.
— When will we tell them? asks the manager.
– No.
He responds too quickly.
– Not now. I'm sure it will get better.
He closes his eyes so tightly as he says this and feels his heart sink because he knows his words are nothing but lies.
The manager hesitates, Zico asked him to convince Woonhak.
Finally, he lets himself be fooled by Woonhak's words and angelic smile.
– Okay, we’ll keep your secret.
In the dormitory, everything is so complicated.
He can no longer look them in the eye.
Of course, it's noticeable.
One evening, he had a heated argument with them.
Because it had been a long time, Riwoo, even if it wasn't his habit, offered to watch a movie.
Everyone immediately agreed.
Except Woonhak.
Jaehyun got angry, he pushed the weight of his stress and fatigue onto Woonhak.
– What’s up with you these days? You don't eat with us anymore, you isolate yourself in your room, you don't even talk to us anymore!
And Woonhak just stands there, staring at him.
Leehan tries to calm the situation.
Sungho tries to talk to Jaehyun.
And Riwoo observes everything, without knowing what to do.
Taesan gets up, he brushes against the maknae's shoulders and the maknae pushes him lightly.
But hard enough to knock him against the wall.
A silence.
Hard and deep.
For a few seconds, Taesan remains with his eyes wide open.
Woonhak lets out a “leave me alone” and leaves.
He locks himself in the bathroom.
He no longer recognizes himself.
A syringe.
Interferon.
He pinches the skin of his stomach.
His hands are shaking.
He presses.
He's not crying, he's already used up all his tears.
But his eyes remain red for a long time afterwards.
He decides to look in the mirror and becomes frightened; it is no longer his reflection that he sees, but that of a poor, unhappy young man.
A few days later. He apologizes.
He bows deeply to each of his hyungs and promises them that it won't happen again.
Never again.
Taesan forgives him and ruffles his hair.
Jaehyun cries and hugs him, he tells him again that he's young and he can talk to them about anything.
Woonhak feels his heart tighten.
He wants to open his mouth and tell them everything.
Leehan and Riwoo nod.
Sungho looks at them smiling, thinking that everything has worked out.
But nothing is going well for Woonhak.
He stumbles in rehearsal.
Too many times.
Far too many times for it to be normal.
The choreographer asks him if he wants to take a break, he apologizes and replies with a smile that he can continue.
Riwoo doesn't take his eyes off him, he asks him with furrowed eyebrows,
— Hey! How are you ?
—Yeah, I just didn't sleep well.
And always with that little smile.
But his hand shakes when he holds his water bottle.
He sighs with relief, no one saw him.
Well, that's what he believes.
Leehan frowns and leans into Sungho’s ear.
The latter nods his head, a serious look on his face.
Except it doesn't stop there.
He forgets a passage of choreography.
The choreographer decides to stop rehearsals and tells them to get a good rest.
Woonhak feels guilty,
"It's all because of me..."
At night, he writes.
He writes a lot.
Taesan sees him and thinks he's composing for their upcoming comeback.
– Woonhak-ah, rest a little.
Woonhak smiles at him, a little too hard.
– Don’t worry hyung.
But Taesan worries even more.
Woonhak continues to write.
A letter.
He folds it.
Slips it into the bottom of a drawer and tells himself he will give it to the manager tomorrow.
"In case."
He tells himself, however, that he hopes no one ever reads it.
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
The days pass.
The comeback is dangerously approaching.
Overloaded schedules, exhausting interviews where he tries to laugh, lives where fans notice that he is pale, late rehearsals where he feels his body failing him.
One morning, his left leg was numb.
As if she was no longer his.
He doesn't say anything, but cries at night while holding her.
During rehearsals on stage, the lights burn.
His vision doubles.
He doesn't say anything.
The music continues.
He takes a step.
Then nothing more.
His leg gives way.
The world is turning upside down.
He hears a lot of screaming around him.
He sees Jaehyun's panicked face above him and feels the hand of a staff member trying to talk to him.
He whispers: I'm fine.
He no longer hears or sees anything.
At the hospital, a beep.
Sterile smell.
White corridor.
The members are in the hallway.
Jaehyun paces, his red eyes showing that he’s been crying.
Leehan is cowering in the corner.
Sungho keeps saying it’s their fault.
Taesan stares into space, sitting on the ground.
He doesn't understand.
He doesn't understand why they didn't force it.
Riwoo loses his temper.
He's usually calm but yells at Jaehyun to calm down, Sungho to stop talking, and tells Leehan and Taesan to get up.
The manager comes running followed by Zico.
Jaehyun takes him by the shoulder.
He shakes him and asks for explanations
—What's wrong with him? You knew that right? Did you know that? What happened?
No one has time to speak, the doctor arrives.
He looks at them. Then the agency.
— He has multiple sclerosis.
Total silence.
Nobody understands, so he continues:
— It is a chronic neurological disease. He has been under treatment for several weeks.
—...For how long exactly? Sungho asks.
“He knew,” Taesan murmurs.
Jaehyun steps back like he’s just been hit.
— He knew... and he didn't say anything?
Nobody speaks anymore.
Woonhak may not have said it orally, but his body did, and that was enough. They saw him...
The manager trembles.
He feels guilty.
He knew.
He takes out the letter that Woonhak gave him.
“If you’re reading this, it’s because I was too scared.”
The words tremble.
“I didn’t want to be a burden.
I didn't want you to look at me differently.
I still wanted to be your normal maknae.
Boynextdoor doesn’t have to stop because of me.”
The letter falls to the ground.
Taesan understands.
That's what Woonhak wrote.
But the Woonhak he knew could never write it.
He loved his job...
— “Idiot…” He murmurs.
He is not usually the type to cry but the tears don't stop.
Zico and the manager run back to the agency.
Everyone is panicking.
We don't know how, but information leaked that Woonhak was in the hospital.
The networks are on fire.
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
The wait is unbearable.
In the hospital room, He doesn't wake up right away.
His breathing is regular.
But weak.
Leehan holds his hand.
— What did you really take us for...?
Jaehyun cries silently against the wall.
He never stopped crying.
It was like his body couldn't stop.
— There are six of us, not five. Riwoo looks at Woonhak's face which looks so small in this big bed.
Time passes.
His eyelids quiver.
He opens his eyes.
Everything is heavy, he doesn't understand where he is.
—…Hyung?
They all get up at the same time.
His voice is weak. So faint that you have to strain your ears to hear it clearly.
- Sorry…
He tries to stand up. His hand trembles.
Sungho bursts out:
— What are you apologizing for?!
— Without you, BoyNextDoor is not BoyNextDoor.
“I didn’t want to worry you,” his lip trembles.
Jaehyun squeezes his hand tighter.
— We'd rather worry than lose you.
It has the effect of a bomb.
Woonhak suddenly realizes that he lied to everyone so as not to worry them, but made them all cry in the end.
He suddenly sobs heavily.
Not in silence this time.
And for the first time in weeks,
he no longer feels alone.
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
The doctor will talk about rehabilitation, break and adaptation.
But in this room, only one thing matters:
There are always six of them.
And they will be, no matter what.
Even if it won't never be the same...