Chapter Text
The view of De Grassi street’s domestic bliss had never looked as bleak. Houses with not-quite white picket fences and only somewhat adequately-manicured lawns brought to life with the sound of barking family dogs and playing children. The whole picture taunted her: “Trapped! You’re stuck here forever! Doomed! Did you really think you could get out so easily? Haha, that’s so funny! Nope.”
Ellie made a note to herself that vodka, especially whatever bottom shelf brand her mother had once favored, was not her drink. Now, instead, she nursed a gallon of orange juice as she stared down at that stupid drum kit sitting in her front lawn; upon her mother’s insistence it was to be donated to Goodwill or the dump, whatever it took to get it out of her house. She wondered what would have happened–or more accurately not happened–if Craig had never insisted upon coming over to look at the old thing a couple weeks ago.
They had been strewn across the old ratty couch in Ellie’s basement. The one her mother had deemed “unfit” to be in her picture perfect Stepford living room. The heat that night had felt thick and heavy, and paired with the shots, everything felt a bit hazy and dreamlike–unreal. Which was rather fitting.
“Hi.” He smiled, eyes locking on hers. His face was so close to hers that she could feel his breath. She prayed he couldn’t see how much she was sweating.
“...Hi.” And suddenly his lips were on hers. And her hands were holding his face. And she could taste the vodka on his tongue.
Ellie grimaced and finished chugging her juice, shrugging off the memory before it could go further. No point in ruminating on something that would never happen again, and never should have happened to begin with. No matter how much it (regrettably) made her stomach flip in the girlish way so often discussed in the magazines Marco read–the same ones she and Alex would mock. Instead, she tossed the now empty jug into the recycling bin and began the death march towards her fate.
Teen pregnancy. Motherhood. She hated the idea that she might become some statistic. Especially one used to push a conservative moral panic, which Ellie believed was the worst kind of statistic to suddenly find yourself a part of. How could she be so dumb? How could she have let her practicality fly straight out the window with no time to ask “do you have a condom?” as soon as some Elliott Smith wannabe made eyes at her? She lived with Sean and had managed to never lose her head like that. Ellie’s only hope was that God would spare her from fully living out a low-budget after school special promoting abstinence. If not… goodbye to the future she had spent the better part of her high school career dreaming about.
When she got to the pharmacy she tried her best to ignore the little bell that jingled–rudely announcing her as another one of Degrassi’s teen screw ups–as she opened the door and made a beeline to the dreaded Family Planning aisle. Once awkward to venture through due to the countless boxes of condoms and containers of lubes and gels assaulting the eye, now she faced a different sort of embarrassment. Ellie looked at the wall of purple, pink, white, and baby-blue boxes. She appreciated the rarity of smiling women adorning the boxes, it seems marketing has caught on to the fact that the purchase of their product was not always joyous. Plus she really didn’t need a bunch of eyes on her right now, even if they were fake. She was astonished at just how many options there were. What was the difference between them? How was she supposed to know which one would most accurately tell her if she had another life growing inside her? The thought of that made her skin feel itchy and too tight. Plus the gallon of orange juice hastily chugged was finally kicking in to do its job. She needed to get out of here–and stop thinking about this–as soon as possible. So she just grabbed one and made her way to the cashier, where the universe decided to throw yet another curveball at her.
“Spinner!” She tried to cover the worry in her voice with a hastily tacked on “Hey!”
“Oh, Ellie. Hi,” He mustered an awkward smile. Ellie took a small bit of comfort in the fact that he seemed as flustered as she was. Neither of them wanted to be here right now.
“What are you doing here? What happened to The Dot?”
“Doubling up on hours while I can.” He shot her an unsure, yet pointed look, as if testing the waters. “Y’know, before school starts.”
Both of them went quiet. So she guessed he would be coming back to Degrassi then. She couldn’t imagine being in his shoes and coming back after what happened with Jimmy last year. Having the quality of your moral character up for display and debate like that... Although, depending on the test results, she might not have to imagine. “Sooo…are you here to buy something or…?”
Ellie avoided his gaze. She was trying to avoid the inevitable. She couldn’t leave here without knowing, her nerves couldn’t take it.
“What, is it ‘girl stuff’? You know I have a younger sister. I know how it is, you don’t have to be embarrassed or anything.”
“Thanks Spin, how touching,” Ellie bit back on instinct. She took a moment, sighed, and placed the pregnancy test on the counter. She kept her eyes fixed on the floor. Spinner’s jaw dropped and he malfunctioned for a moment before swinging back into cashier action. He cleared his throat.
“That’ll be fifteen seventy-eight,” he offered weakly. Ellie quickly forked over what she owed, determined to put this humiliation ritual to an end as soon as possible. But before she turned to leave she thought twice. She did not want to do this at home. She couldn’t take a pregnancy test in a room adjacent to her childhood bedroom–in a house which held her most cherished memories with her father. In a house with her mother just downstairs. She needed to do this in a foreign place or else it would feel too… real.
“You wouldn’t happen to–” Spinner raised his gaze to meet hers and in turn she looked towards the ceiling. She hesitated before continuing “Is there a bathroom here I could use?”
“It’s kind of employees only…” he started, but then looked at Ellie. “Oh whatever.” He reached to get the key for her.
Ellie paced around the dingy bathroom as she waited the three slow minutes for a result to show up. Her thoughts were racing. It really would be too cruel for her to end up pregnant after her first time—it couldn’t happen, right? If she was pregnant she might consider starting to believe in God; it would be so perfectly Biblical for him to punish her. After all, she did committ a double whammy of sins–premarital sex and adultery. She would be a walking Bible School lesson. God, she couldn’t be a mother. She had no idea how to be a mom. She was too fucked up. Her relationship with her own mom was too fucked up.
She stopped in her tracks. She was tired of waiting. Especially here by herself. She wished she had someone to go through this with her, but Ashley was obviously not an option, Marco was still in Africa, Alex was more judgy than Ellie could handle right now (and she didn’t want to even broach the subject with her until she absolutely had to), and Craig? Ha. Yeah, right.
She walked back out to the counter and placed the pink stick face up without a word. Spinner seemed a little surprised. If he already knew she was having a pregnancy scare she figured he might as well be the one to wait with her while the future hung like a dagger over her head. They stared down at the test in awkward silence. Ellie’s breath hitched as a faint symbol finally faded into view.
“Uh, so what does a plus sign mean?”
Ellie rolled her eyes.
“It means I’m pregnant.” She held her mouth in a tight, straight line.
“Oh–Oh wow!” Spinner’s eyes darted around trying to find somewhere safe to rest his gaze. “What are you going to do? Who’s the father?”
This finally cracked Ellie’s stoic demeanor. She shot him a death glare.
“Sorry, that’s none of my business.” He blushed a bit and scratched the back of his neck. Ellie knew he wasn’t ill-intentioned, just a bit emotionally incompetent.
“Look, false positives happen, right?” He cocked his head and smiled softly. For a moment all of Spinner’s undoubtedly bad deeds melted away and Ellie saw only the boy standing there, a little clueless, earnestly trying to comfort her. She half-heartedly smiled at him.
“Yeah. Maybe.” She rasped, and then turned to walk away.
“Ellie,” He called out behind her, and she spun to face him, “you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone. I know what it’s like to be on the outs with everyone, so your secret’s safe with me.”
“Thanks, Spinner. I really appreciate it.” And she meant that.
As she walked home the sounds of the neighborhood ceased and faded into a deafening sort of silence. No more dogs, or children, or cars, or birds, or even the wind. Just her. Or she supposed, her and it.