Work Text:
It’s been two days. Two whole days since the last time he wore a tourniquet and let the slim tip of a needle cut deep into his structure, right in the crook of his arm to be exact. Two days since the euphoric cosmic sensation had filled his system and left him in a nearly blackout state back at the shitty excuse for the apartment he only lived in half the time.
And now, Raivis was a mess.
This time he wasn’t at his apartment to relinquish this symptom of self-deprecating illness. Locked in the bathroom belonging to his current girlfriend, Raivis sat with his back to the door and knees pulled tightly to his chest.
4:06 am. The digital clock sat on the sink counter, the numbers were blurry and difficult to make out.
This was now the fifth time this has happened. The ache that drilled itself deep into his joints, the constant nausea, vomiting, and not to mention the strange involuntary jerking movements that would overwhelm him, making him look like any off the street stereotypical drug addict. The pain was insufferable, and thus far he wished and prayed that this was something he would never have to go through again.
Yet it’s so easy to say in the state of helplessness. It’s so easy to make false promises of getting cured, fixing oneself, to better the lifestyle that is a burden already. The self-harm inflicted though an addictive simple action is beyond effortless, though words, to get rid of. A person brought to rock bottom due to their own actions can say so much about how they want to fix themselves, still they can never manage to pull away from the grips of an honest addiction.
In truth, when all was over by the next day, everything would flat line and return to how it once was. Raivis would continue to serve the devil’s advocate that was consumed in the form of a needle. Nothing would change. As much as Raivis told himself that things would be different by tomorrow he knew that this was just an ordeal that he had to get through to make it to the next day only to fall back into hectic system that paralleled itself with every other day of his existence.
Cold. Everything was suddenly so cold.
Raivis hugged himself tighter, teeth chattering and body shivering. His fingers felt like icicles. It felt as though he was suddenly transported to the Arctic filled with freezing cold and nothingness.
“Why did I do it? Why did I do it?” Raivis mumbled the sentence to himself over and over, breath unsteady and teeth clattering together. He gave no answer for himself through. He knew it. It was never meant to be spoken, nor an actual collective thought. But he knew it already.
Any quick movement was sure to break him. It was distressing. His stomach churned. A grisly bile arose in the back of his throat and he was fully aware of what was to happen. Head spinning and stomach cramping, Raivis abandoned his lowly position at the door and crept over to the edge of the toilet seat. Soon enough, as he got there he felt everything come up at once. He didn’t even have half the mind to pull his hair out of his face.
Disgusting. Putrid. He hated this beyond end.
The cramps didn’t seem to want to end. It was as if someone was trying to pull him apart from the middle to watch his guts spill out over the pristine white tile. Honestly, at the moment, that was almost a comforting thought, if it did happen then maybe then Raivis would feel some form of relief.
Raivis wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and slumped next to the toilet. Every time he went through this it only escalated in how painful everything was. Between how cold he was, the deep aches, nausea, cramping, vomiting, and twitching, he had tried to pull himself together. At this point is was a feeble attempt. He was weaker than he thought. It was getting to be too much.
The clock now read 4:08 am. The pain was unbearable.
Raivis pulled himself close. The man hugged his legs and let out low sobs that could easily be confused for any of the other painful groans he was letting out beforehand. He was a low life, damned to an addiction that cast a shadow over his reputation. A person that had no purpose in fitting in with the rest of the working class. He was a being that deserved this pain for falling into such a state of despair. He deserved this pain. This was him and nothing more.
A noise made his breath hitch and look up. There was a click of the locked door and the turn of the handle. Raivis cursed to himself. His hands shook as he brought them up to wipe away the recently shed tears, perhaps he could present himself better. Telling himself that was just a lie, tears or not he was an absolute mess.
“Raivis?” The soft voice of his partner filled the silence.
“Morrie..” He answered back in a trembling voice that was hardly even a whisper. He wished that she wasn’t here right now. He didn’t want her to see him like this, the guilt and humiliation was far too great.
Morrie appeared in the doorway, half in and half out of the bathroom. Her eyebrows furrowed together as she saw the one she loved on the floor. “Oh...” Was all she said.
Raivis couldn’t bare to look her in the eye, instead he put his gaze to the shallow white floor. He knew what that ‘oh’ was about. It was disappointment, sadness, that fact that he fell short of a promise that he made that last time he was caught in this state. The pang of guilt hit against his chest. It wasn’t only himself that he was letting down anymore. When no one thought a care in the world about him, when not person could dare say that they felt emotion for him then maybe, just maybe, he could have beaten himself up a bit and accepted that this was the way he was. As soon as the door opened to reveal the girl with obsidian hair, reality kicked him. He broke a promise with her, and that meant so much more than breaking a promise with himself.
“M-Morrie I…” Raivis’s worlds faded out. It was so hard to speak. His mouth was dry and he didn’t know what to say.
A long speech full of apologies and statements about how he would never turn to the substance again was useless, old materials, and now also lies. He didn’t have to look at her to know that trust had been broken, ripped apart and shattered. An already delicate ribbon torn in the middle, holding on by just a strand, had finally fallen apart. One whole being separated into two different parts. Apologies were worthless now.
Morrie sighed, frozen with contemplation of the situation. Raivis was simply too much. The man carried far too much baggage, and she was the mule that had the unfortunate job of toting it around. Seeing her boyfriend hunched on the floor, shivering, and in constant distress was heart breaking. It pained her to know that this is what he became. He wasn’t the same. And she was tired of his bullshit. She wasn’t going through this again.
“This is the fourth time now.” Her voice was soft, motherly, yet wavered with sadness and concern in the night quiet.
“Fifth.” Raivis corrected her, he could not lie anymore. Perhaps there was a time he forgot to tell.
Morrie’s expression seemed to drop more. Her heart was sinking. She couldn’t handle this anymore, it’s been too many times. Emotion started to overcome her.
Raivis noticed her starting to back away from the doorway, back into the hall. He looked up but she was already facing away from him, hiding the obvious emotion.
“W-wait…” Raivis could hardly get sound to work. “D-don’t leave m-me here…” He was desperate. In the past she had been able to comfort him. As much as he hated her seeing it, once she was there her company was welcome. Getting over the ordeal was somehow made easier.
She paused. It was a split second pause, short enough to catch, but then she was gone.
The clock read 4:10 am.
Footsteps faded away. Buzzing silence and short shaken breaths filled his ears. He never felt more alone.