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Yoonchae is curled up under her covers, doomscrolling on TikTok. Megan edit. Scroll. Megan fancam. Scroll. Megan fancam. Scroll. Megan fancam. Scroll. Megan edit. Not interested. Megan edit. She should have closed the app thirty minutes ago.
Like she’s been summoned by Yoonchae’s For You Page, Megan bursts through the bedroom door. Yoonchae drops her phone on her face out of shock. “Kkamjjakah.” She closes TikTok and turns her phone off. “How did you get in here?”
What Yoonchae really wanted to ask was Why are you here? Megan hasn’t been to the apartment since they stopped living at the shared house. After their debut, she’s barely even looked at Yoonchae when they’re not on camera, and when she has, it’s been accompanied by a scoff and an eye roll.
Megan’s brow furrows. “Uh… I opened the door? You, like, watched me do it.”
Why does Megan always have to be so frustrating? She knows what Yoonchae meant. “No. How did you get into the apartment?”
“Sophia, obviously. Get up.”
“No,” Yoonchae says stubbornly.
Megan rolls her eyes and starts dragging Yoonchae out of bed. Yoonchae briefly debates going limp, but decides to humor Megan. As soon as Yoonchae stands, Megan ushers her through the doorway.
Megan waves to Sophia and Manon in the kitchen and says, “Bye, Sophia. Bye, Manon.” She adds, “I’ll have her back by midnight,” in a joking tone.
Manon shoots Sophia a look. Gross. “No need to rush.” Yoonchae taps her phone screen. It’s 7:45. Rush?
Megan scrunches her face. “Gross. Get a room.”
“We’re about to.”
Sophia swats Manon’s arm. “Midnight is fine, Megan. Have fun.”
“Thanks. You too.”
After putting on her shoes, Yoonchae is whisked out the door. Megan practically shoves Yoonchae into the passenger seat of her car and hurriedly climbs into the driver’s seat.
“Where are we going?” Yoonchae asks after a few minutes of driving in silence.
Megan taps the steering wheel a few times. She says, “You’ll see. You can have the aux.” That’s weird. Megan never lets anyone control the music in her car, except maybe Dani—or Lara, if she promises not to play heavy metal at full volume and pays for Megan’s matcha. Yoonchae puts on something she thinks Megan will like, and preens internally when she sees Megan start bopping her head.
Megan has been driving for over an hour. Their surroundings have been less city and more desert for a while.
“Megan, did you take me out here to kill me?” Yoonchae hopes Megan isn’t that mad at her. She tries to think of what she could have done to make Megan angry and comes up blank.
“What? No.” Megan sighs. “We’re going stargazing. We have to go all the way out to Mount Pinos because light pollution is fucking stupid. We’ll be there in, like, forty-five. No murdering is happening tonight.”
“Promise?” Yoonchae asks warily.
“I promise. I did kinda lie to Sophia about the midnight thing, though. We’ll be back closer to one in the morning. She has our locations, though, so it’s, like, fine. She’s busy anyway.”
Yoonchae drops it, deciding to believe Megan.
A few minutes shy of ten o’clock, Megan pulls into a huge parking lot and parks her car. She reaches into the back seat to grab a blanket, grunting as she pulls it out from under a pile of junk. “Remind me to clean my car.” Yoonchae agrees even though she knows Megan won’t listen.
Megan starts walking toward a trail gate, and Yoonchae follows. They step over the gate, ignoring the DO NOT ENTER sign, and walk until they reach an area where they can see the sky.
Megan places the blanket on the ground, sits down, and pats the blanket twice. Yoonchae lowers herself onto the blanket. Megan tips backward, landing on her back with an oomph. Megan tugs Yoonchae’s hood until she lies down, too. Yoonchae gasps. “Wow.”
Yoonchae sees Megan grin in her peripheral vision. “Right? I love coming out here.” Yoonchae wonders who else Megan has taken to this spot. She hopes it’s just a them thing. “I can drive you back out here whenever you wanna see the stars.”
“Thank you,” Yoonchae whispers.
“Hey, Yoonchae?” Megan asks hesitantly.
“Yeah?” Yoonchae turns to look at Megan. Megan keeps her eyes on the sky above them.
“I just, uh, wanted to say I’m really sorry. I’m not trying to, like, use this as an excuse or anything, but I’ve just been super stressed lately. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I meant it when I said I wasn’t mad at you. I’m going to try to—I’ll be better about it.”
Oh. Yoonchae wasn’t expecting an apology tonight. Megan hadn’t apologized when they talked behind the dumpster. “Thank you.”
Megan clears her throat. “Anyway… do you know anything about constellations?”
“Not really,” Yoonchae says, letting Megan get away with the abrupt segue.
“I can tell you about some. If you want.” Yoonchae nods. Megan points to a cluster of stars. “That’s Pegasus. He was born after Perseus killed Medusa. Bellerophon used him in his fight with the Chimera. He also tried to fly to Olympus on Pegasus. It didn’t, like, exactly work out for him.”
Megan points to a different spot in the sky. “That one is Orion, Poseidon’s son. Great hunter, but died from a scorpion sting. His belt is there,” Megan says as she drags her finger across the night sky. As she moves her finger down, she continues, “And that’s his sword hanging from it. He has a club in one hand and a shield in the other.”
Megan moves her hand again. “Sagittarius is there. That’s yours. It’s a centaur holding a bow, but it looks more like a teapot.” Megan points at—Yoonchae blinks—nothing? “That’s me! Aquarius! There’s a bunch of other water constellations around it. Aquarius is based on Ganymede, a boy Zeus kidnapped and took to Olympus to fill the gods’ cups with wine.”
Yoonchae squints. “I can’t really see it.”
“Yeah, Aquarius is tricky because, like, most of its stars aren’t very bright. Here.” Megan grabs Yoonchae’s hand and uses it to point to a bright spot in the sky. “That’s Saturn.” Megan moves their hands up and to the left. “That’s Beta Aquarii, Aquarius’ brightest star.” Megan moves their hands diagonally to the left again. “That's the second brightest star, Alpha Aquarii.” Megan traces the rest of the constellation with their joined hands. “Can you see it now?”
“Yeah. I see it.” If Yoonchae’s cheeks are flushed, she can blame the cold. Megan should have brought a second blanket. Megan gently places Yoonchae’s hand back on the blanket. Yoonchae suppresses a shiver.
Megan points again. “That’s Kochab from the Little Dipper.”
Yoonchae is pretty sure that’s the North Star, but she doesn’t correct Megan. Yoonchae turns to stare at Megan’s profile as she continues talking about the Little Dipper—something about bears. Yoonchae feels like those stars didn’t exist until Megan pointed them out and gave them names.
Megan gasps. “Yoonchae, look! Shooting star!” Yoonchae turns her head back to the sky and closes her eyes. She hopes her wish still comes true even though she missed the star flying across the sky. “What did you wish for?”
Yoonchae smiles. “Secret.”
Megan nudges her shoulder playfully. “You’re no fun.” Megan reaches down to intertwine their fingers and goes back to pointing out constellations with her free hand. Yoonchae’s eyes are watery. It’s harder for her to see the stars.
Yoonchae swears she can see a red thread out of the corner of her eye. She feels a tug on her pinky and in her chest whenever Megan moves. Yoonchae wonders if Megan feels it, too.
They don’t get back to the apartment until two.
Soon, the group is swept up in preparations for their next comeback. Megan and Yoonchae don’t have time to drive out to Mount Pinos as frequently, so they settle for Griffith Observatory. Megan always holds Yoonchae’s hand the whole time they’re there.
When they’re too tired to go to the observatory, they play Roblox together. Megan usually spends the night. She’d tried to sleep on the couch the first time, but Yoonchae insisted they could just share her bed. Megan hasn’t tried to take the sofa since.
Sophia has been saying that Yoonchae and Megan have been attached at the hip lately. Yoonchae can’t deny it; wherever Megan goes, Yoonchae follows.
Yoonchae thinks Sophia is the last person who should be saying anything. She’s been all over Manon and Daniela since December. Megan agrees, calling Sophia greedy when Sophia calls the pair clingy.
Yoonchae thinks of Megan when she records her lines for Time Lapse. She hopes Megan thinks of her, too.
Yoonchae sees Megan add light by wave to earth to a new playlist, and thinks she must.
Megan and Yoonchae are playing Overcooked when Megan suddenly sets her controller down and turns to Yoonchae. “Megan, the food,” Yoonchae says, trying to shove the controller back into Megan’s hands.
“You should use me to practice kissing,” Megan blurts.
Yoonchae blinks, putting her controller down, too. “What?”
“What?” Megan parrots.
“You want to… kiss me?”
Something like panic briefly crosses Megan’s face. “That’s not what I said.”
“You want me to use you to practice kissing,” Yoonchae says slowly.
“That’s not what I said either.”
Well, this is going nowhere. Yoonchae thinks, 좋은 게 좋은 거다. “Sure, Megan. We can kiss.” She hopes her tone is more casual than how she feels.
“Cool. Great. Awesome.” Megan cringes at her own words. Yoonchae decides to be nice and not say anything.
Megan recovers quickly, cupping Yoonchae’s cheek with one hand before leaning in to kiss her. Yoonchae’s cheek and lips tingle. She feels butterflies in her stomach.
Megan uses her thumb to part Yoonchae’s lips. Yoonchae doesn’t know what to do with her hands. She gingerly places them on Megan’s shoulders, and Megan smiles into the kiss.
Megan’s tongue flicks across Yoonchae’s bottom lip. Yoonchae presses in harder. Megan leans back, and Yoonchae, embarrassingly, chases her lips for a moment. Megan hasn’t gone far. Against Yoonchae’s lips, she says, “You have to, like, open your mouth more. You know, French kiss.”
“Okay,” Yoonchae croaks. Megan kisses her again, and this time, when Megan licks along Yoonchae’s lips, Yoonchae opens her mouth a little wider. Megan moves her hand from Yoonchae’s cheek to her hair, using her grip to tilt Yoonchae’s head more.
Megan’s tongue slides into Yoonchae’s mouth. Yoonchae makes a noise against Megan’s lips. Megan’s hand tightens in Yoonchae’s hair before she abruptly pulls back. “I should go.”
Yoonchae is still sort of dazed. “It’s,” she starts, checking her phone, “one in the morning.”
“It’s cool.” Megan is already pushing herself off the bed. “I love night driving.” No, she doesn’t. Not alone, anyway. Yoonchae still lets her leave. She rubs her pinky.
Megan has been dragging Yoonchae off to “practice” kissing frequently. Yoonchae has learned that any sort of escalation—making any noise or moving her hands below Megan’s shoulders—will make Megan come up with an excuse to leave.
They’re in a storage closet, this time. Yoonchae is being good. She is. Her hands have stayed unmoving in Megan’s hair. She stayed silent when Megan’s hand wrapped around her throat as her tongue flicked into Yoonchae’s mouth.
It’s so hard to be good.
Yoonchae is saved by the distant sound of Sophia looking for them. Megan leaves first, creating a big enough distraction for Yoonchae to slip back into the practice room unnoticed.
Megan adds peach eyes by wave to earth to the playlist.
Yoonchae decides to go live on Weverse while they’re in Korea. Sophia is included because they have to share hotel rooms until Yoonchae turns eighteen, and Megan is there because, well, she invited herself. The live has barely even started when Megan leans in to try to kiss Yoonchae on the cheek. In retaliation, Yoonchae shushes Megan two inches away from her face.
“Yoonchae has never gotten this close to my face,” Megan says to Yoonchae’s phone. Liar.
A few minutes later, Megan reads a comment and replies, “Yoonchae’s my girlfriend, you can’t take her from me.”
“Oh,” Yoonchae says, surprised. “Me? Girlfriend.” She’s happier about it than she should be. She knows it isn’t true.
Yoonchae looks at Megan’s lips under the guise of seeing the expression Megan was making while reading comments. “I like your lip color.” She wants to kiss it off.
“Thank you,” Megan says.
Yoonchae laughs and covers her ear. “It was too close.” Megan really wasn’t that close. Yoonchae just wants her closer. She gets her wish with a whispered Thank you in her ear.
Megan talks about inviting Yoonchae to hang out with her and two of her “LA friends” at a flea market and the Jaded London pop-up. Yoonchae had liked meeting Megan’s friends, but she liked it more when they were by themselves. It almost felt like a date, even though it was only so Megan could find a bathroom.
Sophia pops into frame, and Megan says, “Sophia wants edits.”
“Make me edits,” Yoonchae demands.
“Oh my god, you’re yelling in my ear, Yoonchae,” Sophia complains.
Yoonchae ignores Sophia and continues. “I do not see my edits.” Sophia shoots Yoonchae a knowing look from off-camera. She’s seen who’s always on Yoonchae’s For You Page. It’s why Yoonchae has a privacy screen protector now.
“I see Yoonchae edits actually all the time,” Megan says, adopting a British accent at the end of the sentence.
“Really?” Yoonchae asks.
“Yeah, actually.” Megan drops the accent, but Yoonchae still isn’t sure she believes her. They go back to reading comments anyway.
When Megan promises she isn’t sick and that she’s been coughing because the air is so dry, Yoonchae says, “Get out of my bed.” Instead of listening, Megan tries to kiss Yoonchae’s cheek again, then denies it like they’re not on camera.
Yoonchae gets excited when someone in the comments calls her unnie. She’s gotten used to being the maknae. Megan says, “You’re almost a legal adult.”
Yoonchae says, “I don’t feel like that, but I kinda want to.” Maybe if she sees herself that way, Megan will, too.
Megan leans in for another cheek kiss. Yoonchae thinks about letting her, this time, but pulls away right before Megan gets too close. She wishes she hadn’t.
As Megan is getting ready to leave the room, she says, “Yoonchae hates me. No, Yoonchae, I’m your favorite unnie.”
Yoonchae jokingly says, “Yes…” Megan tells the eyekons to clip that and send it to her.
When Megan says good night, she sticks her tongue out. Yoonchae thinks of her “lessons” with Megan. She thinks of their live earlier with the rest of the group, when Sophia told everyone Dani tried to kiss her, and Megan replied with Me and Yoonchae kiss all the time.
Yoonchae says, “French kiss,” just to see what Megan will do.
Without hesitation, Megan answers, “Yeah, French kiss. The only French I like.”
Megan goes back to her own room. The room she doesn’t have to share with anyone because she’s nineteen and doesn’t need another group member to be her legal guardian. She doesn’t need someone babysitting her wherever she goes, unlike Yoonchae.
Sophia reads a comment and says, “Not the French kiss. Guys.”
“Sorry,” Yoonchae says instinctively. “Is it—is it a bad thing?”
“No. French kiss is—do you know what a French kiss is?”
Yoonchae stays silent for a few seconds. She doesn’t want to get caught in a lie. She’s worried that if she starts talking now, she won’t stop until Sophia and thousands of strangers know about her and Megan.
“No?” Sophia asks again.
“I think I know,” Yoonchae says quietly. That’s as much as she can say without saying too much. Sophia seems to sense this and, taking pity on her, changes the subject.
Yoonchae uses her laptop to play Shine Your Star by O3ohn. It reminds her of Megan. Most things do, these days.
Yoonchae realizes her phone’s battery is low and remembers she was supposed to teach Megan how to use her face mask. She hopes Megan isn’t asleep yet. Before ending the live, Yoonchae tells Sophia she’s been happy recently. She means it, even if she’s a little sad that she can’t tell Sophia why.
Yoonchae walks to Megan’s hotel room and raises her fist to knock on the door, but it swings open before she can make contact. Megan pulls her into the room by the front of her shirt. Yoonchae spends about five minutes telling Megan how to use the face mask properly, and the rest of the night kissing her. She doesn’t think Megan was paying attention, so she’ll probably have to repeat herself another time, hopefully with the same outcome.
Yoonchae ends up falling asleep curled against Megan. When she wakes up, her phone is dead. Once it turns back on after Yoonchae plugs it in, she sees multiple missed calls and texts from Sophia. The last text says, “Nevermind. Megan answered her phone.”
Yoonchae and Megan make their way down to the lobby to meet up with the other girls. Sophia is the only one there. “Shit,” Megan says under her breath.
Sophia looks over, and both of their gazes snap to the floor. They watch Sophia’s shoes move toward them. Sophia sighs, and Megan’s shoulders creep up toward her ears.
Sophia puts one hand on Yoonchae’s shoulder—briefly—and the other gently grabs Megan’s forearm, stroking it with her thumb, as she says, “I’m not mad, guys.” Megan’s shoulders drop instantly. Yoonchae relaxes a fraction. “But.” Yoonchae tenses again. “You need to tell me first next time, okay? I almost had to text Missy.”
“I’m sorry,” Yoonchae starts. “It won’t happen again.” Megan nods in agreement.
“Good,” Sophia says as she herds them to the van. She hands Yoonchae a portable charger from her purse. The rest of the group is already inside, waiting for them. It makes Yoonchae feel worse. At least Megan holds her hand the whole drive.
Megan spends the entirety of their music show rehearsal orbiting Sophia, trying to make her laugh, while Yoonchae makes sure she hits her marks perfectly.
Megan has started saying that her favorite color is pink. Yoonchae swears it used to be red. It could be because of Megan’s new hair, but that can’t be right—Megan had never said her favorite color was orange.
Yoonchae knows it would be foolish and self-centered to assume Megan’s favorite color changed because of her. And yet.
Yoonchae’s favorite color has always been pink. She was happy when it was announced as her representative color. After saying she wanted to try pink hair in their reunion video, she had begged to have it for Beautiful Chaos, but they’d ended up giving it to Megan instead. Megan had wanted to go back to red.
When Megan got her hair dyed for their comeback, she nervously asked Yoonchae Do you like it? It’s your favorite. All Yoonchae had been able to muster up in response was Yes. She’d been torn between wanting to run her fingers through it and wishing it had been hers instead.
Megan gets a new tattoo. She asks Yoonchae to come with her. Yoonchae does. Where would she be if not by Megan’s side?
Yoonchae doesn’t want any tattoos, but she resents not being allowed to get one. Megan is only nineteen, and she already has two—soon to be three. Maybe Megan will see Yoonchae as older if she gets something small done when she turns eighteen.
While the artist tattoos Love Love in Sylvia’s handwriting on the back of Megan’s left arm, Megan tells Yoonchae that the words are something her mom and grandmother used to say a lot.
Megan holds Yoonchae’s hand for the entire session. Yoonchae remembers Megan off-handedly mentioning having a high pain tolerance back when they were trainees. She looks it up later and learns that it’s not an especially painful spot to have tattooed.
Megan adds wave by wave to earth to the playlist.
Megan brings a weed pen to their next sleepover. She said I wanna be there for your first time getting high. It’ll be fun, I swear.
Megan takes a hit, holding the vapor in her mouth as she beckons Yoonchae forward. Yoonchae shuffles along the bed to get to her, and Megan opens Yoonchae’s mouth with a thumb to her chin. Megan opens her own mouth and closes the distance. Their lips brush as Megan exhales and Yoonchae instinctively inhales.
Being here to see it apparently isn’t enough; Megan needs to be the vessel Yoonchae uses to get high.
Yoonchae feels lightheaded. She knows the weed couldn’t have kicked in yet. Her chest starts to burn, and she turns her head to cough. Megan laughs, but rubs Yoonchae’s back anyway. Yoonchae should have coughed right in her face, tongue out like a toddler, and all.
When Yoonchae finally stops coughing, Megan says, “You can do one more.” It wasn’t a question, but Yoonchae nods anyway. Megan takes a smaller drag from the pen and breathes smoke into Yoonchae’s already-open mouth.
Yoonchae is briefly struck with the mental image of a baby bird being fed. She wonders if that visual means she’s high now.
Ten minutes or ten years later, Yoonchae realizes, no, she hadn’t been high earlier, but she certainly is now. Her eyes hurt, and her mouth is dry. She smacks her lips, and Megan giggles as she hands Yoonchae a bottle of water.
Yoonchae feels like she’s floating even as she sinks further into the bed. She turns to look at Megan. Megan has a funny face. Yoonchae laughs. Megan laughs, too, even without knowing what Yoonchae found so funny.
Yoonchae reaches out to poke Megan’s cheek. Megan catches Yoonchae’s hand and holds it instead, cradling it to her chest. Yoonchae can’t tell whose heart is beating so fast.
“Having a good time, Yoonchae?” Megan asks.
“Uh-huh,” Yoonchae says eloquently. She thinks the grin on her face may be permanent.
Megan lets go of Yoonchae’s hand to open a bag of Takis. Yoonchae leaves her hand on Megan’s chest. She opens her mouth, and Megan deposits a chip in it.
Megan opens her laptop and puts on something animated. Yoonchae can’t really keep track of what’s happening on the screen. It’s all slipping by her, one scene blurring into another before she has time to process, and the words going in one ear and out the other.
Megan asks, “Am I your favorite unnie, Yoonchae?”
“I don’t have a favorite,” Yoonchae says.
“Bullshit.”
“You’re bullshit.” Not Yoonchae’s best work, but she hasn’t had a coherent thought for a while now.
Megan says something about needing to pee and leaves the room without pausing what’s playing on the laptop. Yoonchae tries to focus on what’s on the screen again—she’s pretty sure it’s a TV show Megan mentioned liking—but it’s still not clicking.
Before long, Megan is back. She flops onto the bed next to Yoonchae and asks, “Why don’t you ever call me unnie?”
Yoonchae doesn’t know how to answer. She doesn’t know how to explain that she sees them as the same age. Yoonchae can’t imagine Megan being older than her. She doesn’t want to—it’s not right.
Megan eats another handful of Takis while Yoonchae is still trying to think of how to explain the sense of wrongness she feels when the words Megan and unnie are next to each other. Yoonchae gets distracted, watching in fascination as Megan licks her fingers clean. A smile slowly spreads on Megan’s face, wrapping around one of her fingers, and Yoonchae knows she’s been caught.
Megan says, “I like the way you look at me.” Yoonchae wishes Megan had said I like you instead.
Megan places her still-wet thumb in the middle of Yoonchae’s bottom lip. Yoonchae’s breath hitches. She’s a little disappointed when Megan replaces her thumb with her lips.
The show plays, forgotten in the background, as the two kiss lazily.
Megan starts being slow to answer Yoonchae’s texts, and what she does send is short and dry. She goes out to more parties instead of having sleepovers with Yoonchae. She bails on one of their Friday night Roblox hangouts to spend time with Emily and Red.
Megan doesn’t even tell Yoonchae she won’t be able to make it until thirty minutes before she’s supposed to be at the apartment. Yoonchae doesn’t know why until Red posts, then quickly deletes a story with the three of them.
When Yoonchae asks Megan about this, all Megan has to say is that she’s been busy and has been trying to limit her screen time.
Yoonchae wishes she knew what she did wrong.
Yoonchae hears a knock on the front door. She opens it and sees Megan leaning against the wall. She’s avoided being alone with Yoonchae for weeks. Megan looks up, eyes glazed over. “Hey, Yoonchae,” Megan says with a lazy smile. She smells like booze.
Yoonchae wrinkles her nose. “Are you drunk?”
Megan shrugs. “A little.”
“Why are you here?”
“Wanted to see you. Can I come in?”
Yoonchae nods, stepping back and further opening the door. Megan takes her shoes off and walks to Yoonchae’s room. Yoonchae follows.
Megan goes to get into Yoonchae’s bed. “Stop,” Yoonchae says. Megan freezes with her knee hovering over the mattress. “No outside clothes in bed. You need to change.”
“Okay.” Megan takes her shirt off.
Yoonchae’s breath catches. “Oh.” Yoonchae’s eyes slide down Megan’s torso in time to watch her fingers unbutton her jeans. Yoonchae tracks the path Megan’s pants take as Megan pushes them down her legs. Megan turns, and Yoonchae watches Megan’s back flex as she unclasps her bra. Megan bends over to grab clothes from Yoonchae’s dresser, and Yoonchae finally manages to look at anything else.
Yoonchae looks over once the rustling stops. Megan isn’t wearing pants. Megan isn’t wearing pants. Yoonchae goes back to staring at the wall until Megan is under the covers.
Yoonchae slides into bed facing Megan. Megan rests one hand on Yoonchae’s stomach beneath her shirt and wraps her leg around one of Yoonchae’s. Yoonchae chooses to focus on how cold Megan’s hand is, instead of thinking about Megan’s bare leg brushing against hers, and Megan’s lack of pants or shorts or anything but underwear.
If Yoonchae moved her thigh just a little higher, she’d—
“Why won’t you call me unnie?" Yoonchae can feel Megan’s breath hot on her collarbone. She wishes Megan would stop asking. Yoonchae never knows what answer Megan is looking for. Megan has asked frequently enough that maybe Yoonchae should have one by now.
“Did you know I’m nineteen in Korea?” Yoonchae asks. The old age system isn’t officially used anymore, but it’s not like anyone can stop Yoonchae from thinking about it. She thinks it might be the closest she can get to explaining why Megan has never felt like her elder.
“We’re not in Korea,” Megan says. She looks sad. Megan’s breathing evens out before Yoonchae can fix it.
Megan is long gone by the time Yoonchae wakes up in a cold bed. The clothes Megan had borrowed lay folded on the top of her dresser. Yoonchae tosses them in her hamper, then crawls back under the covers.
Megan adds seasons by wave to earth to the playlist.
Megan starts seeing someone. The kissing stops. Everything stops. Or maybe it’s just Yoonchae, everything else continuing around her—her feet stuck in mud as a river rushes around her.
Ah, Yoonchae must have just imagined it. The string is meant to be invisible anyway. She’s been so stupid.
Yoonchae’s wish didn’t come true. She was an idiot to believe in that, too.
Well, maybe she wasn’t specific enough. Are shooting stars like genies? Should she have thought more than just Megan’s name? If Yoonchae had been more specific, her wish could’ve come true the way she wanted. Yoonchae needed more than just kissing and choking on her own want.
Maybe Yoonchae should have been looking at the sky instead of Megan. It was silly to think she could make a wish on a star she didn’t see.
Maybe Yoonchae’s mistake was wishing in the first place. She shouldn’t have wanted Megan so badly, and this is her punishment.
Yoonchae wishes it were Megan’s fault. She knows she did this to herself.
Yoonchae is pacing back and forth in Sophia’s room, working up the nerve to tell Sophia a heavily redacted version of what’s been going on with Megan. She’d talk to Lara about it, but she doesn’t want to put Lara in the position of having to lie to Megan. Sophia is waiting patiently—she’s always so patient with everyone, but especially with Yoonchae—with a mildly concerned look on her face.
“Megan and I just started getting close again—closer, actually—and then some—some man—” Yoonchae starts.
“Jonah,” Sophia interjects. She looks like she’s trying not to laugh at the disgust in Yoonchae’s voice.
“Whatever,” Yoonchae scoffs. Sophia hides her smile behind her mug. “This guy shows up, and Megan starts getting distant again.”
“Megan isn’t even dating him.”
Yoonchae stops in her tracks. “What?”
Sophia says, “They’re…” She shrugs and makes some sort of explanatory hand motion. “Megan told Lara, who told Dani, who told Manon, who told me.” Yoonchae knows she shouldn’t rely on what is, essentially, a game of telephone, but she can’t help the hope blossoming in her chest.
“Then why is she being so weird?” Yoonchae asks. It’s mostly rhetorical, but she’s open to suggestions. “She barely talks to me, but gets mad about me spending time with anyone else.” Sophia’s only answer is a shrug. “It’s not fair.”
“I know,” Sophia says with a sad smile. She opens her arms, and Yoonchae falls into them, wrapping her own around Sophia’s shoulders. It’s supposed to help—and, in a way, it is—but it mostly just makes Yoonchae miss her mom.
Yoonchae’s eyes sting as she burrows deeper into Sophia’s shoulder. She manages to hold back her tears until Sophia starts stroking her hair. As she sobs into Sophia’s shirt, she realizes she never asked for Megan’s wish. She wonders what it was.
People born in 2007—Year of the Golden Pig—are supposed to be lucky. Yoonchae doesn’t feel lucky.
Red is supposed to be lucky. Red used to be Megan’s favorite color. Red is the color of cherries, artificial and sickeningly sweet like the tooth polish Yoonchae requested as penance at her last dental appointment.
Red is the color of the envelopes Sylvia gives the group for Lunar New Year. Red is the color of the inside zipper of Megan’s Lucky jeans. Red is the color of the thread Yoonchae thought bound them together.
Red.
Red.
Red.
Yoonchae had forgotten that red is also the color of blood—of Yoonchae’s heart stuck between Megan’s teeth. Maybe red isn’t so lucky after all.
Yoonchae is vaguely aware of kilig, thanks to a conversation she’d had with Sophia months ago. She doesn’t think kilig is big enough. There has to be something deeper—something more. What Yoonchae feels for Megan goes beyond excitement and butterflies in her stomach. With the way Sophia looks at Manon and Dani, Yoonchae is sure she’d understand, despite denying anything going on between them.
So, Yoonchae researches soulmates. She knows there is no red thread binding them. She just needs some sort of reason for Megan to want her.
Yoonchae starts with Korea. The first result is the red thread of fate. This one is out; she already knows it doesn’t fit. She scrolls down and sees an article about inyeon. She clicks and reads what she already somewhat remembers from watching Past Lives with Lara when the movie was first released.
Yoonchae doesn’t believe in past lives or in needing 8,000 layers of inyeon over 8,000 lifetimes for marriage. Yoonchae hopes she and Megan have the right inyeon anyway, even if she isn’t sure the concept applies. She can’t know for certain whether they do. She hates not knowing.
Yoonchae leans back in her chair, tipping her head back to stare at the ceiling while she thinks. Jeong makes more sense to her. The connection it brings only requires one lifetime. There’s a sense of permanence that comes with the concept. It’s more tangible—noticeable—than inyeon. She knows they have it.
The problem with jeong is that it isn’t cosmic. Yoonchae worries that she needs cosmic for Megan to need her. She needs the universe to guarantee Megan’s feelings.
Yoonchae sits up and moves on to China. The red thread of fate shows up again. She goes through tens of pages before giving up.
Her Singapore search is a dead end; there’s nothing specific to the country.
Yoonchae’s search about the United States yields similar results, but one of the articles she finds talks about Greek mythology. Yoonchae learns about humans with four arms, four legs, and two faces being split down the middle, always searching for their other half. She wonders if she’s forever doomed to wander next to her other half, who will never want her.
She thinks searching specifically for soulmate mythology from Hawaiʻi might give her the results she’s been looking for. She’s wrong, but she reads about star-crossed and separated lovers anyway. Yoonchae imagines what it would be like for someone to love her so much that they would defy a god and risk death for her.
Yoonchae knows she’s being ridiculous and childish. Soulmates aren’t real. Choice is worth more than fate. No amount of articles or quizzes on soulmates can change the fact that Megan didn’t choose Yoonchae. Half of the quizzes had said yes, and the other half no. Yoonchae thinks she would’ve had better luck picking petals.
There’s no point in hoping their next life will be kinder and freer. She feels stupid again.
Yoonchae looks at her open tabs filled with her research. Pathetic. She closes the tabs and clears her search history.
Megan’s hair doesn’t have as much pink in it now. Yoonchae wonders if it’s still Megan’s favorite color, or if she’s gone back to red. It isn’t Yoonchae’s anymore.
Megan and Lara throw a party at their apartment to celebrate the group’s first tour. Sophia, Manon, and Daniela disappeared fifteen minutes ago. Yoonchae hears something clatter to the floor, followed by a muffled curse. She decides to steer clear of the bathroom. A few more minutes have gone by when Lara blatantly eyes Megan and Yoonchae, then says she’s heading to bed.
Yoonchae and Megan are sitting on the living room floor, passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. “Is this your first time drinking?” Megan asks. Yoonchae gives an affirmative hum. “Nice. Can’t believe we didn’t get to it sooner.”
“I hate the smell,” Yoonchae says. “Didn’t think it would taste any good.”
“Has your opinion changed?”
“No.”
Megan laughs, then says, “You’re my favorite.” Favorite what? Yoonchae thinks. “I dunno. Just my favorite.”
Oh. Yoonchae must be drunker than she thought; she hadn’t meant to ask aloud. Instead of replying, Yoonchae puts her head on Megan’s shoulder and covers Megan’s hand with her own.
“Wanna know what I wished for?” Megan asks after taking a sip from the bottle.
“What do you mean?” Yoonchae asks, despite knowing what Megan is referencing. She doesn’t think she wants to know Megan’s wish anymore.
“When we went stargazing,” Megan clarifies. Yoonchae nods. “You.” Yoonchae feels like she’s watching the conversation happen from outside of her body. Megan continues despite the lack of response. “I don’t think I really needed to, huh? I just needed to stop being a coward. Should’ve wished for that instead. I hope you didn’t wish for me, Yoonchae. You deserve better.”
Megan excuses herself, leaving Yoonchae alone on the floor with the half-empty bottle. Yoonchae takes another drink or two.
The next morning, Megan walks into the kitchen with sunglasses covering her eyes. “Wow, I was so drunk last night. I can’t remember a thing.” She won’t look at Yoonchae, and she’s talking too loudly for someone who should have a hangover.
“Who’s your favorite unnie?” Megan asks when they’re the last two in the practice room, lazily dancing to Gabriela. The joking tone she’s going for doesn’t land. Her words come off as more desperate than Yoonchae thinks they were meant to be.
Yoonchae is so tired. She stops dancing, and so does Megan. “What are you really asking?”
Megan breaks eye contact, her face filled with fear. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I’m talking about,” Yoonchae says, firm.
A cold mask replaces Megan’s panicked expression. She locks eyes with Yoonchae. “No, I don’t. Drop it.”
Yoonchae rolls her eyes. “You really are a coward, Megan.”
One corner of Megan’s mouth twitches down for a moment before returning to its original position. She turns and leaves without saying another word.
Yoonchae stands still, staring at herself in the mirrors, for a long moment. Her rehearsal playlist shuffles to Time Lapse, and Yoonchae laughs bitterly before pausing the song and closing the app.
She thinks she might hate Megan sometimes. She hates herself more for feeling that way.
Megan adds bonfire by wave to earth to the playlist.
Megan once told Yoonchae that she was too young for her. When will Yoonchae stop being too young? When they’re twenty and twenty-two? Twenty-four and twenty-six? Twenty-eight and thirty?
Will Megan always see her as a little sister? Will Yoonchae always be too young? Too much of a baby?
Maybe she won’t be too young in the two months and four days between their birthdays. Maybe Yoonchae will be old enough once she gets her license and can drive Megan around. Babies can’t drive. She can be the one to take them to Mount Pinos next time.
Or maybe Megan will always see her as the fifteen-year-old girl she felt obligated to include during Dream Academy.
Yoonchae wishes she weren’t the youngest. She wishes she were older, somehow. Older than Megan, at least—or the same age. She isn’t asking for much; she doesn’t even need to be the oldest in the group.
Yoonchae looks up at the sky and sees nothing but a cloud of her own breath. There’s nothing to wish on in Los Angeles. There wouldn’t be in Seoul, either. Yoonchae wonders if the stars are out in Honolulu.
Later, Megan changed her reasoning to include not wanting to ruin their friendship and group dynamics. (It’s just—we’ve sacrificed so much for this Yoonchae. We can’t let that go to waste.) Haven’t they already? Friends don’t kiss the way they did.
Yoonchae would rather hear any other reasons, or none at all.
If someone had told the Yoonchae from a few months ago that she’d end up missing only being able to kiss Megan, she would’ve laughed in their face. She isn’t laughing now. At least she had something then. Megan can hardly even look at Yoonchae now, and certainly won’t touch her.
Yoonchae should’ve wanted less—made herself smaller—instead of wishing for more.
Tour preparation has been hell. Rehearsals have been so grueling that even Sophia and Manon have been too exhausted to stay late.
The only bright side of the situation is that Megan has been talking to Yoonchae again. Their conversations are awkward and stilted and only ever about choreography, but at least it’s something.
Every run of Gnarly, Yoonchae soaks in the single second she gets to spend holding Megan’s hand during the dance break. It’s the most physical contact they’ve had in a while. Yoonchae is riding that high until they bring in the dancers. She plummets back to earth.
During M.I.A, sometimes, Yoonchae has to stand right behind Megan and watch Brandon slide his hand across her stomach and down her thigh. Other times, Yoonchae has to watch Lara’s hand trail down Megan’s front before Brandon grabs Megan’s hips as they grind on each other.
Yoonchae isn’t sure which makes her feel worse. She avoids talking to Lara as much as possible on those days. She doesn’t want to be mean. She knows Lara doesn’t deserve that.
Even Gnarly isn’t safe. Through the mirrors, Yoonchae watches Aaliyah’s hands on Megan’s waist. She watches as she stops being the only person who gets to hold Megan’s hand during the dance break. Yoonchae almost finds it comforting that she won’t be able to watch them on stage.
Yoonchae envies the three of them. She doesn’t get to touch Megan like that, not even in private, and they’ll get to do it for a month, on stage in front of thousands of people. Yoonchae couldn’t do that without sparking discourse about her age.
After rehearsals one day, Megan walks up to Yoonchae, holding a crumpled ball of fabric. When she hands it over, Yoonchae unravels it to reveal a mesh tank top with dual cherries on the front.
“I saw this and thought of you,” Megan says quickly, like she’s running out of time. “You should, like, wear it in a video or something.”
“You… want me to wear this for content?” Yoonchae asks. She can’t believe this is somehow the least work-related conversation they’ve had in a while.
“Yeah. I just, like, thought it would look good on you.”
With that very much in mind, Yoonchae wears the tank top on their next filming day. Megan is actually looking at Yoonchae again. She can’t take her eyes off her. Yoonchae likes how Megan looks at her when she wears it.
Yoonchae buys a necklace with a dual cherry pendant. She never wants Megan to stop looking at her like that, and the charm lets her pretend Megan is always close. Yoonchae hopes the necklace will get Megan to touch her outside of choreography again, too. She hasn’t heard anyone mention him in weeks.
The group is in Minneapolis, their first tour stop, and Yoonchae is vacillating between being so excited she might need to start running laps to burn off the energy and so nervous she worries she might throw up all over the front row. Yoonchae, fortunately, makes it onto the stage for soundcheck without incident.
During Touch, Megan walks behind Yoonchae, brushing Yoonchae’s back with her hand as she moves around to Yoonchae’s front. When Megan sings First, you’re gonna say you’re sorry, she puts her hand on Yoonchae’s shoulder before shoving her away. It’s harder than they’d half-heartedly rehearsed a few minutes before going on stage. Yoonchae plays along by putting her hands up anyway.
Yoonchae thinks she should’ve been the one to shove Megan, based on the lyrics, even if Megan pushing her away is accurate.
The show itself actually goes pretty well, and Yoonchae avoids looking at Megan unless absolutely necessary. Until Monster High Fright Song.
Yoonchae is sitting on the stairs, watching Megan rap the second verse of the song. Yoonchae feels Sophia touch her shoulder and sees her moving out of the corner of her eye, but Yoonchae can’t tear her eyes away from Megan for even a moment.
Yoonchae makes a wish—the same one she’s been making for a year—on Megan’s star tattoo as Megan moves to the other side of the stage. She feels a phantom tug on her pinky and clenches her fist. She knows it isn’t real—can’t be real.
Four days later, they’re in Boston. Another city, another soundcheck. During the first verse of My Way, Yoonchae touches Megan’s shoulder. Megan lunges forward faster than expected, and Yoonchae’s breath catches as she leans back. Megan uses the extra space to place her head on Yoonchae’s lap, Yoonchae’s hand coming around to rest on Megan’s back. She’ll take all the physical contact she can get.
When Megan looks up, her face too close for Yoonchae’s comfort, Yoonchae makes sure to be the one pushing this time, harder than Megan had shoved her. Yoonchae stands, watching Megan stay on the ground for a few extra seconds, and wondering if she has gone too far.
Yoonchae blinks, and they’re in San Francisco the day before her birthday. It’s nearing the end of their tour, and Yoonchae wants to try a note change in My Way. Lara has been hyping her up for the past few days while helping her practice.
When Megan turns to look at Yoonchae, Yoonchae closes her eyes. After she finishes the line, she feels Megan’s hand drag down her side as they turn away from each other.
(Later, when a clip shows up on her For You Page, she sees that the look in Megan’s eyes was the same one Yoonchae caught her having in Lotte World Tower’s elevator.)
The next day, Yoonchae wakes up to Megan writing little sister in two separate public birthday messages. She doesn’t think it can get any worse, but then they’re on stage that night, and Megan starts her birthday speech with Yoonchae, you’re, like, literally, the best little sister I could ever ask for. Yoonchae wishes she’d said anything else.
Yoonchae misses most of Megan’s words after that, too busy looping best little sister in her head, but tunes back in when she hears I love you so much. Megan makes an aborted movement, like she wants to hug Yoonchae but isn’t sure Yoonchae wants one.
Yoonchae doesn’t understand how Megan could ever think she’s unwanted. She opens her arms as Megan moves forward to wrap her arms around Yoonchae’s neck. She’s never denied Megan anything, really. Why start now?
After the show, Megan hands Yoonchae a small box. There’s a cherry necklace inside.
Sophia gets Yoonchae a cake without strawberries so Manon can have a slice, too. The group sings her happy birthday for the third time because It’s tradition, Yoonchae, then Yoonchae closes her eyes to pretend to think of a wish. She’s starting to think the wishes aren’t working, but still tries to make a more specific one.
Yoonchae is eighteen in the United States but twenty in Korea. She still feels like a kid trying to fit in at the grown-ups' table. She understands now. They aren’t in Korea. She keeps her wish the same anyway.
Yoonchae opens her eyes and looks at Megan as she blows out the candles. Megan is already looking back at her. She always is. When the tears in Yoonchae’s eyes make her vision blur just right, she swears the lights form a halo over Megan’s head.
She doesn’t think angels are meant to look so guilty.
The group is less than ten minutes away from performing at the Grammy Awards, and Yoonchae has never been more nervous in her entire life. Thinking about the eyekons isn’t helping; her mind keeps circling back to how they’ll be performing in a room full of people she and the other members admire. She thinks she might be sick.
Yoonchae almost jumps ten feet in the air when she feels a hand land on hers. She relaxes when she realizes it’s Megan, then tenses again because it’s Megan—the same Megan who hasn’t touched Yoonchae off-stage in months.
Megan pulls Yoonchae’s hand away from where its nails had been digging into Yoonchae’s thigh. Yoonchae hadn’t noticed. Megan quietly asks, “You okay?” Yoonchae just shrugs. If she talks now, she might start sobbing, and she can’t ruin her makeup. She doesn’t want to inconvenience her makeup artist.
Megan hums and lets go of Yoonchae’s hand, putting her arms around Yoonchae’s waist. Megan rests her head in the crook of Yoonchae’s neck as Yoonchae shifts so her face is half-buried in Megan’s hair, arms around Megan’s shoulders.
Yoonchae breathes in the smell of Megan’s conditioner and feels her heart rate slow to something a little more reasonable. Maybe if Yoonchae squeezes hard enough, they’ll meld into one person again. She’s sure Grant could find a way to incorporate having extra arms and legs into their choreography.
They stay pressed together until they’re told to get into position.
Yoonchae blacks out during their performance. The rest of the awards show is a blur. Yoonchae doesn’t fully come back into her body until the group is being driven to their first after-party of the night.
Megan is practically bouncing in her seat from how excited she is about it being Yoonchae’s first time going out like this with the whole group. Yoonchae can’t take her eyes off Megan’s fingers intertwined with her own. She doesn’t look away until they arrive at UMG’s after-party, and Megan lets go to unbuckle her seatbelt.
Everyone sticks together for a while, but slowly drifts off one by one until Yoonchae is alone. She lost track of Megan an hour ago.
Yoonchae has been wandering from group to group, making semi-awkward small talk with other artists. She doesn’t know how many times she’s said Congratulations to people.
Eventually, Sophia finds Yoonchae and tells her that they have to take some pictures. They get stopped every few feet to exchange compliments and condolences with peers and acquaintances, but eventually reach the rest of the group.
Megan poses with her hand on Yoonchae’s shoulder for one of the photos. For the last one, Megan presses herself against Yoonchae’s back, her hand grabbing Yoonchae’s upper arm. As soon as the shutter goes off, Megan says, “I’m going to the bathroom,” and drags Yoonchae with her.
Megan checks all the stalls in the bathroom. Yoonchae doesn’t have to ask why; she already knows. Once Megan is sure they’re empty, she pulls Yoonchae into one, locking the door behind them and pressing Yoonchae up against it.
Megan kisses Yoonchae roughly, teeth biting into her lip. Yoonchae can taste the cherry from the Shirley Temple Megan had been sipping earlier. Red, again.
Yoonchae stops kissing Megan to whisper, “I missed you,” against her lips.
“I know,” Megan says. “I’m sorry.” Megan reconnects their lips before Yoonchae can embarrass herself by asking Aren’t you going to say it back?
Megan lets Yoonchae’s hands grip her waist without leaving for Yoonchae breaking that rule. Yoonchae should be elated, but all she can feel is a sense of impending doom.
The sounds of the bathroom door hitting the wall and loud laughter make Megan and Yoonchae spring apart, Yoonchae’s hands inadvertently tightening around Megan’s waist. Yoonchae hits her head on the stall door while trying to put space between them, letting out a muffled noise of pain.
Once the restroom is empty again, Megan looks down at Yoonchae’s lips. Yoonchae starts to lean in again, but a hand on her chest stops her. Megan uses her thumb to fix Yoonchae’s smudged lipstick.
“You should head back,” Megan says quietly. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
Yoonchae listens, making her way over to the rest of the girls. Megan rejoins them a couple of minutes later. Megan had missed a spot when she wiped Yoonchae’s lipstick off; Yoonchae can see a splash of red on Megan’s bottom lip. She doesn’t say anything, but can’t stop looking at it. She wants to make it worse.
The group heads to Charli xcx’s after-party at Bar Marmont. Megan is glued to Yoonchae’s side this time around. Her grip tightens possessively around Yoonchae’s waist whenever someone comes up to talk to them.
It doesn’t take long before Megan is leading Yoonchae to the bathroom. She’d barely given Yoonchae any time to network, not that Yoonchae really minds. Megan doesn’t tell the others where they’re going or bother checking if anyone else is in the room before pressing her back against the door and pulling Yoonchae toward her.
Yoonchae groans into Megan’s mouth, and Megan arches into Yoonchae instead of pulling away, splaying her hand over Yoonchae’s stomach. Megan pulls Yoonchae’s head back by the hair and guides it to her throat.
Yoonchae licks the side of Megan’s throat, hearing and feeling Megan’s breath hitch as a result. Yoonchae sucks hard enough to leave a mark because Megan hadn’t told her not to, and makes no moves to stop it. Megan gasps, loud in the—hopefully—empty restroom.
Yoonchae’s hips buck, and Megan immediately breaks the kiss. For a moment, Yoonchae freezes, terrified she’d made a mistake.
“We’re leaving,” Megan pants. She pulls Yoonchae out of the bathroom without fixing their hair and makeup.
“Wait, what about—” Yoonchae starts.
“I’m getting us a car,” Megan interrupts. “I’ll text Sophia to say you’re tired and we’re having a sleepover.” Yoonchae knows Sophia isn’t stupid. She knows Megan knows that, too.
A car pulls up at the curb not long after the two spill out of the bar. Yoonchae slides into the backseat first, quickly followed by Megan. Megan’s knee bounces the whole drive. Her hand on Yoonchae’s thigh is completely still. One of the nails on Megan’s other hand stays trapped between her teeth until they arrive at her apartment. Yoonchae doesn’t tell her to stop biting it.
Megan doesn’t let go of Yoonchae’s hand, even as they get out of the car. She only drops it once they’re standing in Megan’s room. Megan places her hands on either side of Yoonchae’s neck. They stare at each other for a few seconds. Megan’s expression is almost pained.
Yoonchae thinks an airhorn could go off in her ear, and she still wouldn’t flinch. She waits for Megan. She doesn’t have to wait long for Megan to come to a decision. Megan pulls Yoonchae down into a kiss as she walks them toward her bed. The backs of Megan’s knees hit the side of the bed, and she sits. Yoonchae climbs after her without breaking the kiss.
Megan leans back to say, “I’m sorry.” 좋은 게 좋은 거다. It’s okay, Megan. Instead of answering, Yoonchae kisses Megan, gently pushing her onto her back.
Megan moves Yoonchae’s hand from Megan’s cheek to her chest. Oh, Yoonchae thinks. That’s new. Yoonchae shifts to hover over Megan, touching her over her dress. Megan arches into Yoonchae’s touch.
Yoonchae drags her tongue across Megan’s collarbone. She sucks marks into Megan’s neck. Megan, again, doesn’t tell her to stop. Yoonchae leaves more.
Yoonchae sits back on her heels to see Megan better. Megan’s hair is splayed around her head, her black hair looking even darker against the white sheets, as her chest heaves, bruises blooming on her throat. Yoonchae doesn’t think she’s ever seen someone so beautiful.
Yoonchae knows how she must be looking at Megan. She hopes Megan can’t see it. Yoonchae swoops down for another kiss—anything to stop Megan from seeing the look in her eyes.
“Please,” Megan begs, pressing herself against Yoonchae’s thigh. Yoonchae thinks she would do anything Megan asks if she says it like that. She rocks forward, and Megan keens. Whatever she wants.
“So pretty,” Yoonchae murmurs, undressing them both. She’s allowed to look, this time, so she does. She wants to remember everything about this night. She knows it won’t happen again.
After, Megan whispers, “I’m so sorry,” with her back to Yoonchae.
It still manages to sting. Yoonchae’s heart sinks, settling low in her abdomen and replacing the raw desire that had taken residence there. “It’s okay.” Yoonchae drapes her arm over Megan’s waist from behind. They both ignore Megan’s silently shaking shoulders.
Yoonchae wakes to cold sheets and lipstick tacky on her cheek. She wishes she were surprised. She wonders if this is another first Megan felt compelled to own. She knows she isn’t Megan’s first anything. She wishes she could have been.
She thinks there may have been some truth to what Megan chose to dress up as for the Monster High Fright Song music video.
Yoonchae remembers Megan trying to hold her hand in the Countdown to Touch live. She sees a flash of red.
“You are pretty.” A flash of red.
Megan rests her head on Yoonchae’s shoulder in the Eyekons Day live. A flash of red.
“Me and Yoonchae kiss all the time.” A flash of red.
“Yoonchae’s my girlfriend, you can’t take her from me.” A flash of red.
Megan sits in her lap for thousands to see during the Touch anniversary and light stick unboxing live. A flash of red.
“My babyyyy,” commented on one of Yoonchae’s posts. A flash of red.
“I got to see this before she posted it,” commented on another. A flash of red.
“....The younger sister I never had.”
“My little sister is finally 17!!!”
“My little sister….You’re the little sister I’ve never had.”
“My little sister and my twin.”
“Happy birthday to the best little sister I could ask for.”
“Yoonchae, you’re, like, literally, the best little sister I could ever ask for.”
“So proud of my lil sister.”
The red disappears.
Yoonchae doesn’t understand Megan.
When asked to guess an eyekon’s bias, Megan’s first thought was Yoonchae. Megan tried to make their dolls kiss on stage. Yoonchae knows her edits are always on Megan’s For You Page. She’d been skeptical after Megan said it, but Manon confirmed it.
Whenever another member talks about something they did with Yoonchae, without Megan, Megan gets this look on her face. She can never seem to stop bringing up Yoonchae.
It’s like Megan can’t help herself. It makes Yoonchae want to grab Megan by her shoulders and shake until Megan can finally start being honest.
It’s not like Yoonchae has been doing much better.
During a live, Lara asked Yoonchae’s age and where she’s from, and she reflexively gave twenty—always wanting to be older—and Hawaiʻi—always wanting to be closer—as her fake answers. Whenever she makes a reference, and no one gets it, she says Megan would have understood, and is met by a knowing, teasing look from whoever she’s talking to.
(Sophia had thrown Yoonchae under the bus with her Yoonchae was yearning for Megan last night comment. Megan didn’t talk to Yoonchae for days after that. It wasn’t even Yoonchae’s fault. She hadn’t brought it up. At least she had been smart enough to avoid directly mentioning Megan. Megan could learn a thing or two from her.)
Yoonchae supposes she may have slipped up when she commented love this picture!! on one of Megan’s posts. She didn’t even mean it. Well, she did; she just hated that everyone else got to see it, too.
In one of Yoonchae’s solo lives, she said her recent trip to Guam reminded her of Hawaiʻi and confessed she still hasn’t been. She didn’t say she’s hoping Megan will offer to take her one day. Honolulu wouldn’t be the same without Megan there, guiding Yoonchae by the hand and showing her favorite childhood spots. Megan could even teach Yoonchae how to surf.
Despite this, Megan has started distancing herself again. She’s started saying no every time Yoonchae asks to play Roblox or go to Griffith Observatory. She doesn’t bother giving excuses like she did the first time. Megan stops giving Yoonchae rides, forcing her to ask a confused Lara or Dani.
Yoonchae wishes she could understand Megan.
Yoonchae gets her license. The first thing she does after driving home from the DMV, with Lara in the passenger seat, is text Megan to ask if she wants a ride to Mount Pinos that night. She isn’t expecting Megan to say yes, but Megan does anyway. She’s always been hard for Yoonchae to predict.
The drive to Mount Pinos passes in near silence, outside of Megan’s music. After parking, Yoonchae grabs two blankets from the backseat of her car and hands one to Megan. They walk side by side to their spot, where Yoonchae places her blanket on the ground. After they both lie down, Megan puts the other blanket over their laps.
“The moon is beautiful tonight,” Megan says.
Yoonchae hums noncommittally. It looks the same to her as always.
Orion is the only visible constellation Yoonchae recognizes. The others are long gone by this time of year. She traces Orion’s Belt with her eyes. She thinks of how different things were then; how she was different—hopeful and naive. She isn’t hopeful now, but she may as well try anyway. She has nothing to lose at this point.
Yoonchae takes a deep breath before saying, “사랑해.” 하늘만큼 땅만큼.
Megan sighs. “I know.”
Megan doesn’t get it. Yoonchae tries again. “No, I—”
“Don’t. Please, Yoonchae. Just don’t.” Megan’s voice breaks halfway through the word please.
Yoonchae getting her license changes nothing. Megan still sees her as a baby.
Yoonchae can’t feel the tug on her pinky anymore. Even the ghost of it is gone. She’d been so delusional. So stupid. She did have something to lose.
Yoonchae watches a shooting star fly across the sky through blurry vision. She doesn’t bother making a wish this time. Megan mercifully stays silent.
Megan adds holyland by wave to earth to the playlist.
Megan invites Yoonchae over to watch The Half of It. Midway through the movie, Megan turns her head. Yoonchae keeps her eyes on the laptop. “Do you believe in soulmates, Yoonchae?”
Yoonchae thinks of the string she knows isn’t there—has never connected them. She thinks of kilig. She thinks of inyeon and two people born 7,366 kilometers apart meeting in Los Angeles—4,113 kilometers from Honolulu and 9,648 kilometers from Seoul—and managing to debut together. She thinks of jeong.
She thinks of being split in two and reflections and other halves. She thinks of Naupaka and Kaui, and of ʻŌhiʻa and Lehua. She thinks of fate and destiny. She thinks of choice. She thinks of whisker dimples and jade bracelets and the hope shining in Megan’s eyes.
“No.”
Megan’s face crumples. She turns back to the screen. Neither of them says anything when she cries at the end of the movie.
Yoonchae tastes blood. Maybe Megan’s heart is in Yoonchae’s teeth, too.