Work Text:
2021, November
Shane had been nervous since last night when Farah had called for an impromptu meeting with both him and Ilya, it was already late so she had asked if they could discuss whatever she had to talk them about first thing in the morning, before they left for practice. He almost wished they had called back immediately, even if it was after midnight, he hadn’t been able to sleep anyways, but Ilya had reminded him that it wouldn’t be fair to Farah and her family either to discuss something at the time.
So they waited till morning.
For once Shane skipped his morning run, he was too nervous to leave the house and risk missing the call, Anya had been quite disappointed when she ran to meet her dads at the bottom of the stairs, holding her leash in her mouth and then Ilya had taken it, only to return it to the cabinet.
“Sorry my beautiful girl, later yes?” He affectionately petted the dog’s head and then went to make coffee. Shane was too exhausted to even pretend to help so he settled the ipad on the coffee table and sat petting Anya who was still very much offended at the sudden change of their morning routine.
“She is just like you, hates changes of plans” Ilya offered him a cup of coffee, he knew him well enough to not add any food before he had fully woken up. After their meeting Shane could take a quick nap and have a protein bar before practice, Illya on the other hand had decided on making toast and eggs “How can you eat? even the smell makes me dizzy”
“If it’s something good there is no point on worrying if it is bad I’ll need energy to solve it…also the doctor said these might upset my stomach if I have them before food” He signaled the pills sitting by his plate, Shane couldn't help but smile at his husband, in most settings he wasn’t the most disciplined person but he took his treatment very seriously.
Farah called just a few minutes after Ilya had managed to finish his toast. Shane was still nursing his cup of coffee, doing his best to get the drink down but still feeling too nervous to be hungry or thirsty.
They hastily exchanged greetings. Farah looked as nervous as Shane, which was never good, not even when they had been outed she had lost composure.
“I don’t know how to say this guys but, I have some good news and some not so good” she took a deep breath “You both have been summoned for the Olympics next year… but not for the same team”
It took both men less than a second to tie the dots. It was quite obvious what she meant, Ilya couldn’t have been called for team Canada because he wasn’t Canadian yet…which meant Russia was reclaiming him. A huge weight fell on his stomach and suddenly the toast seemed like a bad idea.
“Fuck…Fuck…”
“I was planning on redacting a refusal but I had to discuss it with you beforehand”
“Yes, yes… I just have to not go to Russia, I stay in Canada”
The voice of his father reprimanded him in his mind, how could he disappoint the motherland? How could he abandon the country that had made him who he was? He was a failure, a disappointment, an ungrateful bastard.
Shane’s finger pressed on his forearm, he tried to focus on its warmth, on the soothing presence of his husband but his mind felt slow and running fast at the same time, he wasn't sure how he felt but he was sure he had no control over it.
“Hey…it’ll be fine”
Illya’s fingers instinctively went to his thighs, trying to dig his nails on he skin, the pain always helped ease the panic that was now taking over his body.
“No”
His wrists were firmly held, it was not painful but caring, yet unyielding, Shane was not going to allow him to hurt himself.
“Sweetheart, look at me…good, keep your eyes on me. Now we are going to breath together, like you told me, in…..and out”
Even if Shane’s voice trembled as he guided Ilya through the same exercises he himself had learnt to deal with his husband’s panic attacks, it was soothing, it kept Ilya anchored and gave him something easy to do, something he didn’t need to think about.
Once he made sure Ilya was breathing normally and his eyes looked focused Shane let go of his husband's hand and wrapped him in a hug.
“It’s ok, it’s ok”
Then they sat back on the couch, still holding hands and returned their attention to Farah.
“Please, take all the time you need Ilya. I know it might be scary but I won’t allow you to be put in danger, you are not even the first athlete to refuse a summoning to represent their country”
Ilya knew. He distinctly remembered a conversation during his last olympics in which his father and some important politician in Russia spoke with disgust about some hockey players who had chosen to now play for their home country. He couldn't help but feel ashamed.
“I don’t understand it, why would Russia even want Ilya? There is no way they don’t know about us”
“There are a few options, maybe the trainer of the olympic committee really doesn't know, maybe they don’t care as long as Ilya gets them a chance at gold or…”
“Or?”
“They are ashamed one of the best hockey players in the world is both queer and russian and this is an excuse to take me out the scene”
“They wouldn’t, you are famous enough that if you were to disappear in Russia people would know what happened”
“I’m not so sure about that…”
In all honesty he wasn’t sure about anything. What even happened to gay people when they were taken by the police? Nobody knew. The only certainty was that they never came back, and he had no way to excuse himself, he was very publicly married to a man…nor that he would ever negate Shane, he preferred death than pretending to be ashamed of the man he loved.
“Can they somehow force me to participate?” he asked, trying to control the hurricane inside his mind “Revocate my visa? Annul my passport?”
“The visa is granted by Canada so Russia can’t do anything about it and the passport…when does it expire?”
“I have 6 or 7 years left, I think. I renewed it before coming to Canada”
“I think you are safe, I don’t see Ottawa not wanting to renew your contract next year so there is very low chance you’d have to go back to Russia” Both Ilya and Shane finally breathed after hearing that “still, your plan is to apply for Canadian citizenship isn’t it?”
“Yes, but I can’t yet”
“Isn’t it 3 years of living here?” Farah counted with her fingers, probably trying to remember the date on his contract.
“3 years physically inside the country, any game in America or vacation outside the country doesn’t count”
“You’ve been counting?"
“Of course, this is important Hollander…also, your father referred me to a lawyer who is helping me with the process, he says we can’t do anything till at least next year”
“so, after the games”
“I might still write into the refusal that you are currently in the process of opting for Canadian citizenship, it’s a good way to politely say that you won’t leave the country”
“Thanks Farah”
“What about you, Shane? should I send an acceptance letter?”
“Can I think about it?”
“I can give you till friday”
“Thanks Farah, you are the best”
“Text me if anything else happens, have a good day”
“You too”
As soon as the call ended Shane pulled Ilya into a hug and held him as he reclined on the sofa. They stood like that, in complete silence, for a little while as they pondered about the talk they had just had.
When in 2018 the NHL had refused to allow their players to join their national teams Ilya had pretended to be angry, he had complained it was unfair, but in reality he had been relieved to have an excuse to refuse playing for Russia. He wasn’t out back then but after accepting his feelings for Shane he didn’t fancy spending two weeks in North Korea, surrounded by Russian guys and forcing himself to not even look Shane’s way in fear that anyone would somehow tie the dots, also he wasn’t sure he had it in himself to push his boyfriend away for the entire duration of the games like he had done in Russia, just remembering the hurt in Hollander’s face when he had refused his sincere concern made him dizzy.
That was why he had been excited for the opportunity to play together on the next ones, and just a few days after the wedding he had asked his father in law about how he should go about getting citizenship, he had figured out someone who worked for the government, even if in a completely different department, would know more than him or Shane.
Even if the result had been unsatisfactory it had been very helpful. He now knew what he had to do and had a trustworthy lawyer to help him navigate the legal part of it all.
“I guess I’ll have to join the Team Canada WAG’s groupchat…and get a Jersey with your number, maybe a Canadian Flag with your face printed over the leaf”
“Let’s not do things that may disqualify you from getting citizenship"
“I thought Canada had freedom of speech”
“I’m not sure that falls under freedom of speech”
“I’ll ask my lawyer”
None of them was able to keep the pretence of seriousness, and after sharing a good laugh they returned to silence. Shane started caressing Ilya’s hair in a soothing manner.
“I’m not sure I really want to go,” Shane confessed after a while.
He hadn’t really given the Olympics much thought during the last months. The whirlwind that had been their fight on Christmas, Ilya’s plane almost crashing, their engagement, Anya’s adoption, their outing and the subsequent fallout, their wedding, the camps and Shane’s team change, had pretty much kept his mind fully occupied during the last year. But somewhere in his subconscious he had hoped that this time he and Ilya would go together; not as rivals nor looking from the benches but the same way they did everything nowadays, side by side.
He would never tell Ilya but their encounter in Sochi still haunted his mind from time to time. Now he knew that Ilya had been scared, that he had pushed Shane away because he felt like even seen in the proximity of each other was dangerous but a part of Shane couldn’t forget it so he hoped to replace that memory with better ones; playing together, practicing together, enjoying the freedom of being perceived as a couple and amazing hockey players at the same time…and well, he was also excited to share a room with his husband in the Olympic Village, after all there was a reason the games were famous for the amount of condoms that the athletes consumed.
“Bummer, I really wanted to be your fangirl…you know I will be alright if you go, right?” Ilya smiled cheekily, letting Shane know that he was doing better.
“Probably, but I’d prefer going together”
“You would lose the chance to brag about having more medals than me? Who are you and what did you do to my husband?”
“I already have more medals than you; but you do have a point…after all the next one will belong to both of us”
“So it’s decided, you’ll go to China and I’ll stay studying for the citizenship exam like a good boy; and in four years we bring gold home”
Shane pressed a last kiss onto Ilya’s hair and then tried to get up from the couch, his husband was about to complain when his eyes landed on Anya sitting by the door. He immediately understood and both men rushed to get their shoes on, it was time to start the day.