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1
I’m Ada Marie McLaughlin, always an interruption, always in between other people’s lives and relationships and this is my story.
The sign of my arrival was a surprise. One morning my mother realized, she isn’t menstruating and her period should have started a week ago. And she hasn’t been feeling well. She just bought the kit to get done with her confusions. And she was surprised.
My father was shocked by the news. It took him 15 seconds to move a single muscle of his body after hearing the news. Weeks later when my gender was confirmed, he was overwhelmed. He’s going to father a McLaughlin girl, not all McLaughlin men could make it! The months in between my existence and coming out of mother’s womb, I was my father’s sole topic of interest. He was consumed with the thoughts and assumptions about my life. I think it was a bit far from normal, far enough to shift the balance of harmony between him and his best friend and business partner, Link Neal. One day Link was so tired of dad, when he wouldn’t stop talking about how fathering a daughter is changing his view as a man, that Link cut him off and said, “Look, I’ve raised a daughter okay? It’s not a big deal!”
And that was enough to summon the Rhett-monster from the deepest, darkest pit of hell.
My dad furiously ranted and showered his best friend with sarcasm and profanity. It was so horrible that when dad finally stopped, he was immediately hit with a wave of mad guilt. His shocked best friend crumbled and struggled to hold tears of pain. Before my dad could apologize to his best friend, Link locked himself in the bathroom. My dad could hear the other man’s whimpers and wails.
Before my dad knew it, tears stared rolling down his cheeks, only to be absorbed by the bushy beard. Soon, he started wailing and whimpering as well. Screaming apologies to the deaf bathroom door, hoping the man on the other side would listen.
Before I was born, I came in between my father and his best friend.
2
By the time I was born, I was like almost a pariah to my dad and his best friend. No, dad wasn’t pissed off at me. He’s a way better man than that. He didn’t punish me for things I didn’t do. He loved me. He welcomed me to the world with all the love and affection he could muster. All the love and affection he was left with. But something was off. He and Link mended their friendship, the bitter air cleared out as quickly as it came. Dad apologized with his whole heart and was accepted. Link understood his best friend. Well 33 years of friendship comes with some perks. So an offset of passive resentment for me floated in the air, between Link, dad and me. There was no certain direction, but it was there.
So, since my birth, there was an unvoiced distance between me and my dad. He would always come home and hold me. But wouldn’t play with my tiny limbs like he used to do with my brothers. He would take me out in park on strollers, but would not stop by to introduce me to the trees, the birds or you know, make small talk with his tiny baby who has no idea what her father is saying. He was a perfect father, he never neglected any baby duties. But I was a duty to him. Well I can’t blame him for that. He’s not a new father with an entry level job anymore. He’s almost forty and has a business to run. It wasn’t easy for him to balance the tedious work, no matter how much he loved it and at the same time deal with a baby. And it was the same for mom. She had her own work to do. Giving birth to the third child at 35, without a plan, isn’t easy. But she devoted herself in bringing me up. She poured her heart and soul, wrapped me in a thick blanket of love and security. But it did cost a dent in her otherwise perfect work life that she worked so hard for.
There I was, standing between my parents and their perfect work lives.
3
My parents decided to send me to public school. It was a well pondered decision. They thought about it for a long time. A lot of analyses, internet searches, discussions and fights were involved. In the end they came up with a decision. Actually, my dad was more inclined to send me there than mom. But she understood. Since Locke and Shepherd were already going to school part time. And a whole different arrangement was needed for me to start homeschooling. Also, there was not enough time for others to hang out with me and I would sulk in the house alone (with my nanny). School was a better place. And there’s a public elementary school very close to our place.
So, when the time was right, armed with crayons, diapers, lunchbox and water jar, a tall (well for her age) three and a half years climbed to her mother’s vintage car.
I’m always thankful to my parents for making that decision. Life was never the same for me. I discovered a whole new world, whole new bunch of people. And I found my best friend. Another girl, who was too tall for the class, and with the kindest smile I’ve ever seen. She was Maya Morgenstein, the one and only!
My elementary school days were cool, at least I thought so. I used to have playdates with Maya in her big mansion, well, big empty mansion. As her parents were very busy (and successful) start-up owners, so their exquisite abode was not always lucky to be graced by their presence. There were toy rooms, rec rooms even a special gym room for Maya. She had a Judo instructor, who would give her private Judo lessons on weekends. But she loved basketball. That was one of the reasons we were such good friends. I was fascinated about basketball as well. So we used to shoot the hoops or solve puzzles rolling on the floor of toy room during playdates. Yes, girls and parents like this do exist. Girls who aren’t all about dolls and mud pies do exist. If it’s not always about nature vs nurture, than it’s definitely about personal choices.
My days were great, but sure my brothers thought otherwise. Since both Locke and Shepherd were in or about to go to high school, they were often in charge of babysitting me. They were teenagers and had their own plans for the spare times. Better plans than hanging out with a toddler who only knows the numbers, colors and few big words. Though Locke tried to be friendly and interested, Shepherd was often blatant and would say how babysitting a toddler was making his life hell. I didn’t know how to respond, all I wanted was to play with my older brother and talk about basketball. The little me didn’t knew that made my brother angrier. All his friends were having fun together and he was stuck at home for baby duties.
And I successfully managed to come in between my brothers and their otherwise perfect leisure time.
4
Though I don’t believe it myself, but sometimes I wonder, maybe it would be better if I was a little different, more inclined to the “normal” spectrum of girls. If I were less assertive about my demands, more “ladylike” about my dispositions. Maybe, I would be more acceptable to others then. But sadly I wasn’t. And I refuse to believe that me being a basketball player or Judoka had anything to do with it, because Maya was both and yet very ladylike. I think I just wanted to belong to my dad and his “man group”. I think physically bearing resemblance has something to do with that.
Yes, I looked a heck lot like my dad. I was an irony. For both of us. Dads usually hope their sons will take after them, but mine wasn’t lucky enough. My grandma called me “baby Rhett”. Once my dad joked about Link being a direct clone of his father. The joke backfired on him. Grams would say, I inherited like every single facial feature of his, apart from the beard and that one mole above upper lip of course, even my growth progress was similar to him, and I was 5’8” at the age of 10. Also, I didn't have a prominent chin. But I believe I surely didn’t behave like him. Generally I was an agreeable child, actually, a really quiet child. But sometimes I would throw tantrums about things I wanted. And those were bad. Really bad. Since my mom wrapped me in her love blanket, she was the one to intervene and put me to my place.
All I longed for was to belong to my dad and his group of companions, his friends and their (male) children. Because what they did together sounded fun to me. I loved outdoors, I loved camping and hiking. So every summer, when my dad took my brothers to the “man trips” with his buddies and their sons, I would sign myself for week-long or longer camping programs with Maya. And mom would finally have some free time.
The problem was those short weekend outings. I wasn’t allowed for obvious reasons. And there were no available weekend camps around that my parents were okay with. And I definitely wasn’t a tea-time girl. I’d drink tea with my friends on weekends alright, made in camping stove and served with marshmallows. So Maya and I planned to flee and go to our own camping trip. We were only 10 years old and we made it to a secluded park area in the other side of the city. Of course it drove our parents mad. Maya’s parents barred her from any outings with me, though I was still welcome at their house (someone’s gotta keep her company) and we trained together for basketball and judo, though I didn’t have a personal coach. But the course offered in the local community center was good enough. However, after the park incident, my father finally decided to take me with him to one of his camping trips.
Of course dad pleaded Link to drag Lily. Because then I’ll be able to share a tent with her and we could resolve the bladder situation together. Lily, being the human with an angel heart agreed to go in a beat when she heard everything. The problem started with vehicle management. Back then, the six men would take one four wheeler. And generally Lando wasn’t much into camping so for five people, the ride was cozy. But that time all six McLaughlin and Neal kids were going, including their dads. And a lot of more camping equipment than usual. Dad and Link finally decided to split the ride and rent another car. So, for the first time in their camping history, the McLaughlin and Neal boys rode separate cars. I bet neither of them was happy about it. Nobody said anything, but I could sense I have pissed off a lot of people, including my brothers, especially my brothers. Lincoln and Lando wasn’t happy about it either. My brothers were close friends with them, and the car ride meant a lot to the boys. I wouldn’t lie, it meant a lot to me too. I generally don’t get to spend so much time with dad and my brothers together. We have family outings of course, but during those I’m generally by mom’s side. I wanted to use this opportunity to sit next to dad and spend some time with him. He was cordial, we were talking about school, friends and of course basketball. My brothers would chime in and talk about music and other youtube shows. Locke was pitching some ideas, since he’s going to start his channel soon with Lincoln when they start college. And then we approached the first gas station. Dad immediately got out of the car and speed walked towards Link. Lincoln and Lando huddled in our car and Lily approached me. She nicely asked if I would like to sit in their car. It’s a bit lonely there. So I agreed. The rest of the drive was silent apart the few small talks Lily and I made. Link was almost silent, minding the road. Because this part of the drive was tricky and dad wasn’t here to help him. Because of me.
Even before I turned eleven, I managed interrupt bonds of several friendships around me.
5
I knew I was gay when I was thirteen.
It didn’t happen in a single day. I’ve always found myself generally attracted to ladies. But I thought I just admired the individual greatness they possessed. It took me some time to figure out the difference between attraction and appreciation. But when I did, I was mortified.
A lot has changed in my life otherwise though. My dynamic with my brothers were better. Locke was out of college, working with Lincoln in their multi-platform social media project, engaged to his college girlfriend. Shepherd was in college too, he followed dad’s footsteps and was studying in NC State. Though he had a tough time finding a steady girlfriend, but he was doing fine otherwise. We three were closer than before. We would go out for camping whenever Shepherd would come home or our whole family would go to Buies Creek for holidays. Sometimes they would bring their significant others, sometimes Lincoln and Lando would join us, but mostly it was just us, three McLaughlin kids. Over the years we grew on each other.
At first I didn’t know how to break the news. It’s 2028 and yes, my family was not overly conservative. They kept an open mind. But still something told me the news would cause some tremor. Big ones. So I decided to wait until Locke’s wedding.
Keeping secret is painful, especially when it should not be one. The weight of it was too much for me, so I decided to spill the beans to someone I could always trust. The one person who never judged me for being who I was. The one who was always with me, my soul sister, my best friend Maya.
I cried a little, it was more like a series of sobs when I was finally revealing the discovery I made about myself. It shouldn’t be any big deal, but it was. It still was, in such “progressive” country like ours. But my friend was better than the others. She didn’t judge me. Never. She hugged my lanky six and a half feet frame with all her positive energy and support.
Maya, being the loyal soul sister of mine, helped me to cope with my secret. I would never be able to attend Locke’s wedding, she helped me to stay put and get along with Anya’s family without creating any awkward scene like I did in Lily’s wedding when I stumbled while climbing the stairs to bridesmaids’ isle and fell face down. She saved my ass big times.
I waited a year after Locke’s wedding, I waited until I was about to graduate high school. Well, I was graduating a year early and I hoped this would help my case. I hope it would give them an impression that I’m a rational person, and I knew what I was doing.
I was an idiot.
I chose a weekday. Actually I chose Wednesday, as my dad and Link has once showed that Wednesday was the best day of the week. I informed Maya beforehand, she said I could crash in her place if things take a really bad turn. She’s not my best friend for nothing.
Fortunately my parents came home early that day. They were in the study, discussing something I didn’t pay attention to. I coughed to get their attention.
“Mom, dad, I don’t know how else to put it, but I’m gay.”
There, I said it.
My parents froze. Mom was the first one to move a muscle.
“What did you just say?”
“Mom, I’m …”
“Don’t! Just stop!” – Her eyes were bulging. She put a hand on her chest and took a deep breath.
“Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!”
She scoffed. I didn’t dare to look at my dad. Though he wasn’t never as strict with me as he was with Locke and Shepherd, but I knew it was always a bad idea to cross limits with him. But he addressed me first.
“When did you know?” – He asked. I forced myself to look at him. No, there was no hint of disgust or fury in his eyes. His voice was even and calm.
“It's been two years. Dad, I promise, I’m not seeing anyone. I’ve never been in any form of intimacy or anything. I’m totally clean! I’m just, I like girls.”
“Okay, we’ve heard you. You can go to your room now.”
“But dad…”
“Now” – It was an order. And I couldn’t dare to disobey. Mom was still fuming in fury. She refused to look at me. I could hear her screaming at dad when I barely crossed the hallway.
“OKAY? DID YOU JUST SAY OKAY? DID YOU JUST SAY OKAY TO THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT RHETT! SHE CANNOT BE A FAGGOT! MY DAUGHTER IS NOT GAY! SHE CANNOT BE GAY! I GAVE BIRTH TO HER! I KNOW SHE ISN’T!”
I couldn’t move. My mom kept screaming. Dad tried to calm her down.
“Honey, she’s not a child. She knows what she’s talking about. Calm down!”
“NO SHE ISN’T! It’s her problem! She always acts as if she’s a guy! She wants to dress like a guy, act like a guy, now she’s thinking if she becomes a lesbian she’ll be more mannish! It’s not who she is Rhett! It’s just her twisted sense of taste! I failed her to make her a proper lady! IT’S ALL MY FAULT!”
“No honey, it isn’t! And I don’t think it’s just that. I can’t agree with you babe, I saw it in her eyes. She wasn’t pretending.”
“Of course you did!” – My mom hissed like an angry serpent.
“You must be proud of her as she's doing what you couldn’t dare!”- Acid was dripping from her voice when she continued.
“What are you talking about?” – I could hear his voice was losing control.
“You know what I mean! Like your audiences, and what you call those insane fangirls, oh yes, SHIPPERS.”
“Don’t you dare woman! Don’t talk about things you don’t know just because you’re such a homophobe!”
I could hear dad leaving the room, so I sprinted to my room as quietly as possible. I never felt so stupid in my life before. I was ashamed, shocked and guilty. I just tore my parents apart. Even tears eluded me. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t move a limb. I couldn’t reach my phone two feet away and text Maya. I don’t remember how long I sat like that.
I felt dead weight on my right hand and couldn’t move my right leg. When I finally came to senses, I realized I was sleeping in an odd position.
“Don’t try to sit up so quickly, you'll hurt your back” – I was startled by dad’s voice. However, I complied. He was sitting on my computer chair. He helped me to sit, placed a pillow behind my back so I could rest.
“I’m really sorry dad! I had no idea that things would turn out so bad! I …” – I stopped when I looked at his tired face. There wasn’t any sign of fury anymore, just pure sadness. Never in my life had I imagined I could hurt my parents like that. Yes, I figured out that my choice of clothes and sports would be pointed out. I thought dad might flip out. But I could never imagine mom to flip out like that. I thought she knew me. I thought she understood.
“You wanted to say something.”
I wasn’t sure what dad was referring to.
“Before you left the study” – Dad clarified. And then I remembered my backup plan. I had a good news. I was accepted to MIT. They offered me a full scholarship, apparently my IMO and IOI records impressed them. I got the mail yesterday.
“I got a mail from MIT. Full scholarship, this fall.”
Dad smiled. It had hints of both pain and pride. He reached for my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
“Congratulations buddy, I’m proud of you.”
All I could do was nod hard so he cannot see my struggle not to cry. Maybe dad could sense my struggle, so he stood up and turned his face to another direction, suddenly taking keen interest in my wallpapers.
“I believe this was your backup plan if things went wrong, huh?”
“Bad idea. I get it now” – I had to admit.
“I know. You’re a smart kid.”
“I wish I was! I’m really sorry dad! I never thought truth could be so devastating!”
“Truth is a beautiful thing buddy. And sometimes, beautiful things are the most dangerous.” – He gave me that sad smile again.
“Don’t stay up dear. Get some sleep. And try not to upset your mom now. Give her some space.”- He closed the door.
And that is how I came in between my parents.
6
I thought I’ll break the curse of coming in between others when I left LA. But I wasn’t so lucky.
MIT was tough. But it came with its own perks. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as I dreaded it would be. I wasn’t the only early graduate, there were more young prodigies, some even younger than me.
All of these were bearable, because I had my best friend beside me. Yes, Maya joined me in MIT. She started her undergrad course at Sloan Management School. We decided to stay away from all those sorority stuff and live in a small apartment. Actually Maya’s parents owned it. So I got a nice room in a very reasonable (actually darn cheap) rent rate.
I think I should say something more about Maya. It’s only fair, because I only mentioned her as if she was a character part in the drama, “Ada’s life”. She was way more than that. Maya was not just my best friend. She was a part of me, as much as I was a part of her.
We were placed in the same desk on our first day at school. She was my first friend, first real friend. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t like those Siamese twins spotted in school, friends wearing matching outfits and stuff. We had different taste in a lot of things. But we shared some common interests, things that meant a lot to us. Not just basketball, we were in the mathlete team together. I don’t mean to brag but I was the class valedictorian in junior high and high school and she was the student body president. It wasn’t easy, but we didn’t have many distractions like other kids of our age would have. Maybe it was so because we got tired of stuff that enticed most, in other words, we were “hipsters”, but honestly, we didn’t have much time. Grades were important to both of us, because grades meant achievements and achievements would give our parents reasons to appreciate us. It sounds pathetic, but we were kinda lonely. Probably the collective loneliness brought us closer. Or maybe it was just because we were two weird tall girls.
We would have the best of times in each other’s company. Not that we didn’t fight, which we often would. But we knew we would have each other’s back. We didn’t really get into trouble as we were decent kids, also, being super big had its benefits of scaring people off. Nobody would want to pick on us because we would be together. It’s one thing to pick on a lonely tall and shy girl, it’s another thing to pick on two confident ones.
I could never understand if it had anything to do with our parents being entrepreneurs, but we had numerous plans to do things together. We had weird ideas, mostly those were little hipster-ish. Like “Vele-tition”, a mock of television. Where user needs to imagine things what they want to see on screen. We made a replica using a spare television and some stick-on darts and strings. We wanted to invent a move predictor machine where from a previous move in fight of a player it would predict the next move, I mean we were Judokas, you can’t blame us, and we got our asses beaten up in dojo on regular basis.
I wouldn’t say our friendship was deeper than what my dad and Link had, but no less than that either. We might not have the blood oath that dad took with Link, but we had our plans. Don’t get us wrong, just because we weren’t obsessed with popular technological contraptions of entertainment didn’t mean we didn’t like technology. We just wanted to do something new. Even before we knew what it was called, we wanted to “change the game”. Entrepreneurs like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg has changed the game, we wanted to take it further. Two little (well kinda tall) girls from LA wanted to outdo those men. We concluded that our journey is going to be a crossover of Brida and the Alchemist. We are in quest for something seemingly impossible, but in good faith, achievable. Whatever this is going to be, we promised each other, we will see the end of it, together.
Maya was very popular, could make friends in a snap of fingers. It had nothing to do with her family fortune or good looks, her sole disposition was very friendly and welcoming. And I was like Sasquatch, cold and aloof. So we were like Yin and Yang to each other. We completed each other.
It’s supposed to be a good thing right? It was, I won’t lie. But I wish it was for real.
I am a magnet for complexes and fuck-ups.
And the latest entry to my glorious list of grand fuck ups was the realization that I loved my best friend a little too much.
I was in love with Maya.
And this is going to ruin everything.
At first I thought it was just an adjustment and attention issue. She got a new boyfriend and was spending time with him, the dynamic of our lifestyle shifted a bit. I thought this through at first and decided to go out and loosen up a bit. I’m old enough to test the waters of relationship pond, if not the sea. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t make it work with the nice lady I started going out with. But I kept trying. Sometimes I tried too hard and at one point I just went with flow.
Four dates within two months. Nothing worked. Even I tried befriending Roman, the sophomore majoring Mechanical Engineering. He was a nice guy from Philly. Three of us would often play video games together or watch a movie or two during free weekends. I got along with him but I was still pretty much sore inside. And Maya noticed that. It would have been better if she didn’t. Because it would take a heartbeat for her to guess what’s going on in my head. And she didn’t deserve it! I was being selfish, even I knew that. But there was no off switch apparently! The sisterly bond turned into a deep, poisonous, vine of infatuation over time. And I can’t find a way to weed that out without hurting our friendship.
I was glad that summer holidays were approaching. I refused a summer job offer near campus and went home, to stay away from Maya and Roman. I haven’t decided whether I’d stay there for the whole break or go back a week later.
But one thing I knew for sure, with my selfish jealous heart, and probably a lusting body, I stood between myself and my best friend.
7
Things were less weird back home, than I suspected. I think time does heal things. My parents did have a great marriage, the one that can withstand grazes like that ugly fight. She cooled down before I left home.
And now she’s almost back to normal. She has accepted the fact about my orientation, and I accepted her lack of ease regarding it. Even she helped me to find a cool summer job. I started working as instructor in an informatics camp for toddlers. Summer was fun. All the McLaughlin and Neal kids reunited from different parts of US. Lily, now a cardiologist, was expecting and was on her pregnancy leave, Lando had a solo photography exhibition coming up in next week, Lincoln proposed his girlfriend. My brothers had news as well. Locke fulfilled his childhood dream and started a toy store, under the banner of their project of course, part of their marketing plan. Shepherd came back from North Carolina and started working in for a local construction firm.
All of them had something big and positive to talk about. Things that would distract me from the horrid thought that’s eating me inside out. To them, me being accepted in MIT at full scholarship was a big news. I was thankful that they didn’t ask me about my dating life. Not that I was ashamed to admit it, but dating four different girls in two months isn’t going to make my mom any comfortable, and none of those worked out either.
However, the whole summer was busy. There were hangouts of one kind or another every day. I was often free from those consuming thoughts. And nobody could notice my unease. Actually there was none until I’d skype Maya every night. The dam would break when she would hang up. There’s no going back from sulking. There’s no turning back from the pit of burnt love and jealousy, guilt and regret. Generally I lock myself up in the privacy of my room and lie down in my bed like the Vitruvian man. But tonight was worse. She couldn’t stop talking about the trip she was in with Roman and his bunch of friends. She said it was really fun packed and now she’s getting to know his friends better. She felt lonely at first and wished I could be there. I hated myself with every bit of my fiber for feigning interest. For not doing the right thing, not staying with her and keeping her company.
The overpowering frustration was swallowing me in my bedroom. I needed air. It was only 9 pm and my parents weren’t home. They’re probably out for their weekly double date with Link and Christy. I went to backyard. I sat on the well mowed grass. Dad mowed it yesterday. He loved doing this, in his fifties he was pretty fit and strong. I heard some of his new generation audiences suspect him and Link to be vampires. I looked up, the sky was surprisingly clear. Beaded with stars. Wherever Maya is camping tonight, she’s under the same sky.
I told the sky what I was feeling. I poured out my anger, jealousy, frustration, and love for Maya. I hoped somehow the words would reach her. And she will understand. She always does.
I didn’t know how long I laid on the grass, probably I fell asleep. When I woke up I found dad sitting next to me, gazing at the stars.
“I thought we had plenty of beds inside.” – There was no hint of sarcasm. I giggled in response.
“I needed some air. I guess I had too much of it.”
“Is that so?”
We sat on the grass, neither of us said anything.
“How was your double date?”
“Like they always are, I ate, they talked, and Link listened and got food in his larynx. What about you dear? Enjoying the summer?”
“Yeah. It’s good to be back.”
He smiled at me and patted my back.
“You know what they say, that how much you resemble me and stuff.”
“Like I’m the girl edition of your existence?”
“Yeah things like that. I don’t like it.”
“Can’t say I’m a big fan of those either. I mean don’t get me wrong. I do look up to you. And I don’t regret my height or looks. It’s just the labelling and expectations. You’re a cool guy dad, and I’m not. But that baffles some people and I don’t like it.”
“Is that so? I’m just plain jealous of you man. I wish I was more like you. You’re a smart kid Ada.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” – I was generally curious.
“We named you after two smartest ladies in history of science, Ada Byron and Marie Currie. You’re living up to their legend.”
“Dad, is there something I should be concerned about? You sound loony!”
“I’m not saying you’re gonna win noble prizes and write kickass programs that is going to change the future at your name’s expense. But you’re in the right track. I’ll give ya that.”
We laughed together.
“So, how’s your best friend? Haven’t seen her around.”
“She’s staying in Cambridge this summer. Spending more time with her boyfriend.”
“Is she?” – He gave a cursory glance.
“Yeah. And I thought I should give them some space to enjoy themselves. You know, it’s her first ever relationship and she deserves nice things and a lack of third wheel.”
“Aha! So that is why you’re here!” – He joked.
“Dad! No! I missed you guys.” – I think my voice betrayed me by thread and dad picked up something.
“Ada” – He looked right in my eyes.
“Is everything alright?” –The concern was genuine.
“Of course dad. Everything’s cool.”
“Look, I’ve never been close to you and I know Jessie is your confidante. But if there’s something you want to talk about, especially about dealing with conflicts between best friends, I’m all ears.”
They always talk about motherly instincts. And the fatherly ones are highly underrated.
“Dad, I screwed up. Big times.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” – He asked quietly.
“I don’t know! It’s really bad.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time.
“Would you like to do some hiking tomorrow?”
“Hiking sounds fun.”
“Good. Now get something to eat. We brought some takeaway for you.”
Next day we went for the first ever father-daughter hiking. After seventeen years since I came to this planet.
For the first time ever in my life, I opened up to my father.
I didn’t hide anything. I told him about the plans and aspirations I shared with Maya, our goals, how I loved her to the moon and back, how she supported me through all the bad times.
How I was being a total jerk and falling for her.
“Have you ever felt so possessive and frustrated? I hate what I feel, I’m hating myself for this, but it’s so overpowering I can’t shake it off! Maya means a lot to me, I can’t lose her dad! But what poisonous thing my brain has delved into will surely drive her away! She’ll figure it out very soon. And that will be the end of …” – I trailed off.
We were sitting on a hilltop, sipping from Sprite cans.
Dad didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he nodded.
“Do you really care about her?”
The calmness in his voice meant he wanted me to think it through. I took a moment before answering. Did I really care about her? Or I was just worried for myself. I was worried how am I going to survive without her. How am I going to get over the guilt if and when I hurt her with my selfishness. Was I really capable of giving all of that up and pretend that nothing was going on in this crazy little head of mine just so she would be happy? Was I willing to overlook the feeling?
I weighed on the options. Too much to give up and sacrifice. Then I realized, what I was sacrificing it for. It was for Maya.
“And what about your friendship? Is she more important than your friendship? All the things you have planned together so far?”
“Dad, we are the friendship. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe friendships are more important than the friends. But if I have to choose, I’ll choose her over two of us. She comes first dad. She always will.”
He took a deep breath.
“You really love her, huh.” – He smiled. A sad yet warm smile. And I nodded in response. I was out of words.
“It’s gonna be hard for you then. This is a tough ride buddy.”
“Dad, I know you’re trying to help. But you can’t really speak for me. Even though you’ve got a fifty years long friendship! It’s not the same! You’re not gay, and you were never in love with Link!”
He did not shout back. Didn’t say a thing. Just looked at me.
“Or were you?”
“I wish it was as simple as that.” – He sighed.
“You don’t have to tell me dad.”
“I don’t have to, but I want to. If anybody deserves to know, it’s you.”
“But dad…”
“Yes Ada, I’ve been in love with my best friend for a long time and it wasn’t easy.”
Then he told me how the whole revelation baffled his college-going self.
“When we went to NC State, for the first time we discovered how naïve we were. One day Link broke down and laid on grass in fetal position. And I, being the “strong silent guy” suffered in silence. The fact that we are finally out of our house was overwhelming. But we had each other. We were our tokens from home, a comforting bridge, a safe place. Together, we accepted the overpowering essence of emancipation and adjusted our way around it. Don’t get me wrong, we were dating or fancying ladies around. Like we used to in high school. But when we were back in the dorm, we knew we had each other. I still can’t figure out when our strong friendship transformed into deep love, at least from my side. But it did. Then Link met Christy. And I knew this was different, this was unlike the other girls he went out with. He was genuinely interested. He was falling in love with her really fast. And I wasn’t ready for that. I became bitter and rotten inside. Things went rough with the girl I was seeing then and I decided not to date at all. If not for the rest of my life, then at least rest of the college year. I was heartbroken. Everybody, even Link thought I was sulking over my recent breakup. Nobody knew it was for Link. Nobody knew I was pining for my soulmate, who was in genuine love with someone else. And I wasn’t okay with the idea of being in love in another dude either! I couldn’t admit to myself that I was gay. Probably I wasn’t. But for Link, it didn’t matter.” – Dad paused to breathe. I could see he was being completely honest. I could see fire in his eyes.
“But then I met your mom. When I thought everything is over. When I thought I’m an empty shell of a human being, betraying my own feelings and pretending to be someone else with my best friend, I found someone who showed me that there is more of me to explore. She showed me that my heart is bigger than that and I am capable of being a better person. Your mom saved me from myself Ada. She’s my knight in shining armor.”
I didn’t even try to hold my tears. I let those fall down. I couldn’t believe that my dad went through the same thing I’m facing now. I thought I will never be close to dad as my brothers were, and he turned out to be the only person in the world I had most things common with. He hugged me.
“I’m sorry buddy. I should have spent more time with you! Your grandma was right you know. You are the mini Rhett after all. Should have named you Rhett James McLaughlin Jr.”
“Or maybe just Rhett 2.0”
“You see what I meant. You’re the better version of me, girl.” – We both laughed.
“But dad, did he know?” – I hesitated to ask if Link knew about it, but I asked anyway.
“Link? Well, when you’re friends for long time, you pick things up. You’re friends with Maya for fourteen years right? Give it fourteen more and you’ll know what I mean.”
“But did you …”
He sighed.
“Well, we’re weirdos. We had “conversations” you know. We needed to be clear, about things as we used elements of that kind in a lot of our work.” – He paused to think.
“Dang it! Who am I kidding! You deserve to know everything. Yes, I told him about it. I guess before we started planning the buddy system stuff. A few months before you were born.”
“Was he upset?”
Dad smiled at my question.
“He wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t supposed to be. It’s a two way road honey. When you have a friendship that deep, strange things happen. I’ll tell you one thing. There is no singular bright line between love and friendship. It’s a spectrum. And the directions aren’t uniform either. Link wasn’t much different from me, it just took him longer to understand, but he had Christy already, so it was easier for him to cope with it. We are lucky that we’ve got wives like Jessie and Christy. They gave us new meaning to life. They blessed us with wonderful kids like you and had faith in us when even we lost it.”
It was already dark when we climbed down. We were on our way to join the Neal family at Link’s place for a grand get together. Mom and my brothers were already there.
In uber dad told me something I’ll never forget.
“In a Paulo Coelho novel, he mentioned it’s possible to have two soulmates in one incarnation. It’s the most painful thing at the same time, most rewarding. The pain of not getting to unite with one of them is excruciating, at the same time growing another heart to love the other is delightful. You’re halfway through it buddy, you’ll survive the rest.”
My dad stood between me and my worst fears. Shielding me from the harm I could have caused myself. That day, for the first time I felt real pride and happiness for being Rhett McLaughlin’s daughter. I felt most accepted and secured than I ever did before.
8
Rhett’s POV
I’ve never seen a woman rocking tuxedo so well. But this woman beside me made it.
The woman is my own flesh and blood. My precious little daughter Ada Marie McLaughlin.
Little Ada is getting married! It sounds like some real fast time travel to me. It wasn’t the same for Locke and Shepherd. Their birth seems like a distant past, but memories of Ada being born are fresh. Maybe it has something to do with my age, or maybe it’s different with daughters.
Or maybe it’s because I wasn’t close to her when she was growing up as I was with the boys.
But things have changed in last seven years. When I finally realized what I was missing. When I could see who she really was. When I learned, how much of her life I’ve missed even being in the proximity. And I decided to act on it.
My mom used to call Ada “mini Rhett”, she thought Ada was my tiny replica. Of course I could see the physical resemblance, but that’s genetic, right?
I came to know it’s more than that when she opened up about the conflicts in her mind. I discovered, she’s walking the same road where I’ve been once.
A lot has changed in her life indeed. After college she moved closer to home, she and her best friend Maya have started their business in Palo Alto. Their “Vele-tation” was a commercial success, acclaimed by educationists and psychologists. They are way ahead of us, when we cared for entertainment and fun, they cared for real issues.
Oh, she also fulfilled my dream of learning hand to hand combat. She taught me some effective judo moves and took me to a dojo that people of my age attended.
What can I say, I don’t care if I sound partial, and she deserves it after all the years of reluctance. I still love the boys alright. But Ada is the brightest of my children. She’s the one with biggest heart. Heart big enough to accommodate her mom who freaked out when she knew about her sexuality, her dad who was always too busy for her, her brothers who didn’t care much for her when she was growing up, the whole family of her dad’s best friend. Heart big enough for two soulmates.
She didn’t screw it up with Maya. She took my advice and waited. She let her soulmate discover love on her own. And Maya found it. That Joseph dude was a nice guy after all, he stops by LA sometimes. He gets along with Ada pretty well, and most importantly, he respects the bond between Ada and Maya.
My little Ada found love again. In an art gallery. What are the odds right?
Amara, the girl in that colorful crimson gown has guided Ada to the light. She made Ada’s life beautiful again.
And today I’m going to walk my baby daughter to the holy matrimony.
If anyone told me on my wedding day, that I’m going to walk my daughter to aisle for a same-gender wedding, I’d probably tackle them.
But today that feels the most natural thing to do. I guess that is how we grow. Not always we nurture our kids, sometimes they teach us the most wonderful lessons of life.
At least I told her not to get a buzz cut, though I assumed she wouldn't. The elegant pixie style went really well with the rest of her outfit. If anybody raises a finger at her for “cross dressing” is not going to be spared by this sixty five years old man. And now I know some judo moves. My baby girl looks precious and beautiful, as she always is. I had to resist myself from ruffling her hair though.
When she was taking her vows, I could see through my misty eyes, Maya wasn’t trying to hold back her tears.
She knew it. She felt it. Just like Ada did.
Maya loved Ada, her soul sister, the way Ada loved her. And they realized, how love can conquer everything else.
How love can come in between guilt, regret, loneliness and jealousy and conquer them all.
When the official ceremony was over, and food was about to be served, he came to me. Gave me a hug. And whispered, “They made it, just like us!”
They sure did.