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Evan wasn’t expecting to feel so much. He and Tommy had been broken up for months, and since the breakup, he barely talked to Tommy’s colleagues about anything besides work.
It wasn’t unusual for people in their line of work to have their lives cut short. Evan knew that after his own brushes with death. Some close calls were closer than others, but he always came back.
Losing a friend to suicide, even if it wasn’t surprising, hit in a way nothing ever had.
Even though Buck and Kai had never been very close, they enjoyed spending time together. Whenever he and Tommy went on double dates with Kai and Aurora, they always ended up playing games in Kai’s apartment.
Buck kept thinking about cards against humanity. Tommy and Kai were so bad at the game, which was amazing to watch. Kai ended up losing, which was honestly better than winning.
There were so many nights when Tommy came home from work worried about Kai. He had taken time off for his mental health, and the longer he was away, the more Tommy worried he would never come back.
Tommy and Buck had broken up by the time Kai got back to work. Buck invited Kai out for drinks anyway, and they caught up.
They weren’t that close, but Evan and Kai liked talking to each other. Buck was happy to see Kai happy again.
Buck heard the news from Aurora. He ran into her at the grocery store, and she broke down because it was all so fresh.
Buck contained his grief until he got home. He wanted to be strong for Aurora, and it took a while to even believe that Kai was gone. They weren’t best friends, but it had only been a few weeks since the last time they hung out.
Aurora mentioned a memorial at the fire station. Buck didn’t want to overwhelm Tommy with everything else going on, so he went on a day Tommy wasn’t working.
By the time he saw the memorial, Buck could believe that Kai was gone, but he still couldn’t accept it.
Why am I still here, after all the times I could have died, while Aurora goes back to an empty apartment and Kai’s parents have to bury their only son?
A few people recognized Buck, but they left him alone. They knew why he was there, and they didn’t want to interrupt.
“We miss you,” Buck said, thinking about Aurora, and Tommy, and everyone who worked with Kai. “I wish we had more time together, and that I could have done more to help you. I’m glad you had the time you did, and I wish you had more.”
Buck left a napkin on the table from the bar they used to hang out at.
He was hoping to feel closure, or acceptance, or anything that would make it hurt a little less. That didn’t come.
Buck didn’t know if it ever would.