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Player woke up with the mother of all migraines, tied to a bloodstained chair in a bloodstained room. The rope binding them also felt rather bloodstained. After snapping the ropes through sheer strength, it turned out they were stained as well.
The room they were in was entirely concrete, with a single door directly in front of the chair they had been tied to. The dim lightbulb in the centre of the room swayed gently as Player tapped their feet, trying to remember what they’d done before finding themself here.
They chose to pull Griefer’s call card from their pocket after realizing they’d completely forgotten.
For some inexplicable reason, Griefer was unhappy to find himself in a dimly lit and bloodstained room.
“PL4Y3R WH3RE THE FUCK 4R3 WE??”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you.”
Griefer did not care for this answer, and yanked Player by the front of their jacket to shake them like a snow globe.
“H0W TH3 FUCK D1D Y0U PISS 0FF TH3 M4FI4???”
Player did not reply, instead recalling the previous week. At the time, they thought it was suspicious that they were loaned an absurd amount of BUX by some suited guy with bunny ears, but they wanted that new card badly enough to disregard the danger. It wasn’t like anyone could take them down anyways. Well, it turns out four men armed with blunt instruments could take them down.
“I have no idea, maybe they just don’t like me,” Player lied, “Anyways, are you gonna help me break out or not?”
Griefer snorted at that, “Y34H R1GHT PUNK, L3T’S BREAK SOM3 KN33 C4PS.”
***
The first enemy they encountered was a young man with an ushanka covering his bunny ears and a crowbar. He was beyond shocked when the door of one of the cells burst open, slamming against the opposite wall, but he recovered his bearings just in time to earn a crowbar to the knees, and then a crowbar to his crowbar which knocked it out of his hands.
Unfortunately, he managed to sound the alarm as Griefer and Player headed up the stairs. Of course there weren’t any dramatic shutters drawn over doors, but there was suddenly a lot of guns and a lot of angry men wielding guns.
Fortunately, Player always has a plan.
“WH3R3 THE FUCK D1D 4LL TH3SE PE0PLE COM3 FR0M??”
***
“Hey Player!” Red & Blue exclaimed from somewhere deeper in the mansion, to which everyone quickly comes running, “We found the vault!”
Silence reigns when the vault door opens.
“WHY 1S IT 4LL C4RR0TS???”
***
It turns out there were shutters drawn over doors, and windows, and everything that could lead outside of the giant mansion the Mafia calls home.
Well, everything with one exception.
“This has to be animal abuse,” Calypso says after finding the bunny blocking the door to the backyard, “It’s so overweight.”
“1T’S A SPH3R3!” Griefer exclaims. He is correct.
For a creature so rotund, it had surprisingly high standards. None of the carrots stolen from the Mafia’s vault would suffice, and not even the most expensive items in Player’s backpack elicited more than a cursory sniff. The bunny itself grew frustrated with each item Player offered it, the picky prick.
“Hold on, I think I found something.”
Everyone turned to Calypso, who was holding up a pet food bowl that looked to be made out of solid gold, “It looks like they’ve been feeding it nothing but carrot cake.”
How serendipitous that they had come across a trove of carrots earlier. Very serendipitous indeed.
Kitchen Wizard was pleasantly surprised when Player showed up in the kitchen with their crew in tow, but was more than happy to bake a carrot cake for them.
“Of course, Player! All I’ll need is a few carrots, say-“
“Is this enough?” Player said, dumping a literal ton of carrots out of their backpack.
“Ah… how many carrot cakes did you want again?”
***
The rotund creature was happy to roll out of the way when a massive carrot cake was placed in front of it, moving in a fashion similar to a bowling ball. It also plowed over the carrot cake and through the wall, much like a bowling ball. In fact, it plowed right through the front wall of the mansion.
Ah, convenience, such a wonderful thing.
Player’s happy moment was promptly ruined when they followed the trail of destruction and discovered four members of the Mafia were up and blocking their path. The one with the ushanka had returned, as well as one with a white top hat, another with a newsboy cap, and one bald guy without even bunny ears. They shouted something about paying debts in blood, to which Player was happy to oblige.
Four pairs of kneecaps were broken within the next five minutes.
Player did not get to celebrate their victory over the Mafia, as all the shutters were suddenly drawn back up, and the front door opened to reveal the leader of the mafia.
The aptly named Mafioso was big. As in, he could win a brick wall look alike contest against an actual brick wall. He was also armed with a sword, which is infinitely more powerful than a gun.
“You dare come into my home, hurt my men, and now-“
Player holds up an extra carrot cake Kitchen Wizard baked.
“… do you honestly think that’s going to work?”
Player nods.
“Leave the cake and get out of my house.”
Victory pose ensues.
***
Player was kidnapped again next week. Yes it was the mafia, no they did not wake up in a bloodstained room again. They just woke up in a random back alley with the ushanka guy, top hat guy, newspaper cap guy, and bald guy standing over them.
“We would, ah, like to conduct business with you,” the bald guy says, very awkwardly, “Properly this time.”
“If you provide us with carrot cake regularly, the Mafia will be at your beck and call.”
*MAFIA CALL CARD OBTAINED*