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He was numb, his expression cold and his eyes had lost their sparkle. The only times he felt anything at all was when his heart shattered into a thousand pieces, again. It felt like a part of him was dying and more than anything he wanted to cry, but no tears came out. He was a prisoner in his own mind. With Lucifer as his warden hell seemed like a happy place. He was doing this for the greater good... probably.
"Cas..." A distant whisper called out
He couldn't be useful any other way than by being a tool, just doing what was expected of him. He felt so worthless, was there anyone that even cared about him? Dean, Sam, were they saving the world with Lucifer? He'd stopped watching what the fallen angel did after having witnessed him torture, kill and mislead so many innocent creatures.
"Cas!" The voice was louder now, but distorted as though there was water to separate them
"I'm no angel, I'm no human, I'm a failure" Castiel repeated to himself as he replayed memories of everything that happened after raising Dean from perdition. So much had changed, so much had hurt. Why had he rebelled? It wasn't to save the world. Why had he absorbed the souls of purgatory? Not to win the angel war. Why had he said yes to the devil? To defeat the darkness?
Dean's voice was ringing in his ears "Castiel, buddy. I know you're in there." It was like an echo in a large room.
Had he finally lost it? Had he gone crazy again? Rather bittersweet to have Dean's voice be the one to torment him. Lucifer's emotions had grown unstable, normally he'd be mocking Cas' pitiful state. He might just be too busy to bother me, Cas thought.
"Cas?" Dean called out, his voice shaking.
"Dean?" Cas muttered, confused at the scene unfolding before him. He was in the bunker, the warmth of a blanket around him. He blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to... reality?
Dean grabbed his shoulder and looked at him with that sad smile of his "Yeah it's me. You alright there, buddy?"
Reality, it still escaped him at times. He'd fall back to the broken state he was in shortly before they freed him from Lucifer. Well... freed? More like ripped him out of his vessel. Though he could hardly stand the endless torment and felt Jimmy burning away, they needed Lucifer.
"I'm fine." Cas huffed, snuggling into his blanket. Both brothers looked at him in disbelieve but respectfully remained silent. Sometimes he wished they didn't, that they'd act on the knowledge he was in fact not okay. But had he ever showed them that courtesy? Had he ever seen it between them? They were all broken.
"What's with the gloom everyone?" Lucifer chimed, strolling in like the king of the castle.
Some in more hurtful ways than others... He didn't need to look to know Dean's shoulder muscles had tensed and he was glaring at the devil. Cas couldn't bring himself to meet Luci's eyes. Instead, he got up and headed for the kitchen, no specific goal in mind.
The argument between the brothers and Lucifer echoed through the halls and Castiel winced at some of the phrases. He can't hurt them, he repeated to himself like a mantra. If only he still had his wings he could be some place far away, some time safe. This place might be his home now, but he felt utterly alone.
When he entered the kitchen, the smell of pancakes hung in the air. Chuck glanced over his shoulder and flashed a quick smile. "Are they fighting again?" The short man asked. Cas left the rhetorical question unanswered and Chuck continued. "You okay there buddy? Here, try some of these pancakes. I made this new recipe..."
Cas let his father rant on about the wonders of creation, enjoying the tales he'd heard so many a times before, come from the person at its centre. Or should he say creature? He had so many questions still, but now wasn't the time, he knew that.
"Castiel, what is it you want?" Chuck asked stopping halfway through cutting one of many pancakes on his plate. The question caught Cas off guard and he visibly flinched. He knitted his brows together in concentration, trying to find feelings beyond his sorrow and self-loathing. God waited patiently for the angel to answer, respecting personal space and the comfortable yet pressing silence.
"To stop Amara." Cas said blandly and continued eating.
Chuck shook his head and split the plate cutting his pancake as he spoke gruffly "Castiel, you know that's not what I'm asking."