Chapter Text
For some unfathomable reason, and almost like clockwork, everything goes wrong in winter: the relationships that Seonghyeon, in some unexplainable feat managed to keep throughout the year often withers away, piece by piece, like worn leaves in the brisk of fall. And yet again, he ends the year as he started it.
It’s vexatious. A set tradition. And extremely exhausting to say the least.
Seonghyeon, alike many young adults experiencing the wearing angst of growing pains, cringed at the prospect of love; call him cynical or cruel, but he had seen enough relationships fail in his life to recognize that the likelihood of his meeting "the one" was slim. He was a realist, and a proud one at that.
And gosh, even the thought of being dependent on someone sent shivers down his spine, hell it made him claustrophobic. His independence was his armor. If love meant that your body would yearn for someone, invite you to justify their wrongdoings, taunt you with their image in the light of midnight, and that you’d be consumed by their very being; Seonghyeon had no desire to be apart of the torturous movement.
Though, Seonghyeon was far from celibate. While a man of very few words to most, he had a few relationships in the past, but most didn’t last past a few weeks due to his… problematic philosophy. Matter of fact, they often ended in the same manner : his significant other didn’t like the distance Seonghyeon held them at, the ambiguity that coated his every word, and knowing Seonghyeon couldn’t, and wouldn’t allow himself, to settle down for anyone. He doesn’t blame them (heck, why would he?), he understood well that some people were ready for love, for all its challenges and hardships, but Seonghyeon knew he wasn’t. Isn’t.
Will I ever be?, Seonghyeon thinks.
Burnt expresso and Jo Malone English pear perfume occupied Seonghyeon sinuses. He was waiting for his best friend, his confidant in this bleak college campus and most of his life, Juhoon. And with his phone percentage dangerously low, he settled for people watching outside the outlandishly high windows. It was winter, and god, you’d think he lived in the arctic in the ways people drowned themselves in wool scarfs and Nosferatu-esuqe trench coats. He couldn’t help to smile to himself on the way a group of food deliverers treated every step on the ice-ridden streets as a dangerous feat towards their vehicle (granted, it truly was). The coffee-shops alert system, a singular bell located at the top of the front door jingled, which prompted the mindless fellow back to reality.
‘’Boo,’’ chirped a mischievous more-than-usual, Juhoon. His nose was cartoonishly red due to the dropping temperature outside.
‘’Hi, Juhoon’’ Seonghyeon couldn’t help but sigh, which seemed to be his default response to almost, well, everything nowadays.
Shortly after Juhoon dropped his bag, which made a huge thud, causing seonghyeon to note that it was slightly heavier than usual due to Juhoons upcoming architecture finals. Prompting a troubling revelation: Shoot, he has at least 3 assignments untouched due tonight.
Despite this, the pair continued mindlessly speaking for the following hour on random things: classes, evil professors (which they took turns ranking each from most evil to less evil in their respective departments), martin’s new unusual obsession with needohs, the absence james left per his graduation months prior, and like always, seonghyeon reluctance to love, or well, allowing people in.
‘’Holy shit dude, all offense you are so boring. Hyeon, you make me feel like a slut whenever I mention my love life,’’ Juhoon says, shaking his head in exasperation. They had now retired their second layers, resting their hands on the warm beverages to defrost their, still, frozen fingers.
‘’Maybe you are,’’ Seonghyeon smiles into his flower adorned cup. He continues, ‘’Either way, with classes… man, I barely find any time for myself, let alone other people.’’
‘’I feel so special, thanks,’’ Juhoon scoffs, ‘’—fine, continue wearing your chastity belt but one day you won’t be able to just,, deny your feelings for someone and move through life like a machine,’’ Juhoon said, each word reaching a point of seriousness outside of his usual nature.
‘’It’s not just me who worries you know, we all worry, you….’’ ‘’Well, you just shut down sometimes when things get too real,’’ Juhoon continued, his voice going to a whisper as he locked eyes with Seonghyeons.
‘’I still feel like I’m learning more about you each day and I’ve known you since, like, forever,’’ (aka fifth grade gym class where seonghyeon realized, well maybe sports weren’t for him. and soon after, juhoon realized the same.)
‘’Yeah. Thanks mom.’’ Seonghyeon half-laughed, hoping to lighten the sudden dry mood. He knew Juhoon, of all people, through his constant nagging, meant well. Easier in theory, Seonghyeon thought.
His mind wandered off yet again, as Juhoon pivoted to a less than interesting story about his encounter with his roommate who seemed to be a vampire who never slept (Seonghyeon had heard the same complaints for a year. and yet, despite in his opinion, stellar advice, there seemed to be no improvement. so as one does in plight of their friends distress, seonghyeon washed his hands of the situation!)
Surrounding him were menus on each square tables, glass tops with tiny five-leaf flowers etched on them, a slow-turning ceiling fans overhead which hummed in a duet with the soft classical music playing in the background. And notable new additions from his last visit, little bouquets of yellow carnations on each table, and a chalkboard at the entrance advertising the day's menu.
The store owner seemed committed to the aesthetic, and it was admirable. Although Seonghyeon never met the owner, despite coming daily (in his defense, they have a mean dirty chai 100% worth the $7) as it stood as the only coffee shop on campus.
Despite his rocky relationship with love, something was certain about Seonghyeon; his love for coffee. His three best friends often joked about how he always reeked of coffee beans, though he never noticed it.
Seonghyeons day had always began with a cup of thick, dark coffee and some creamy oat milk. Per a heart scare while pulling a Dance-moms marathon with Martin to celebrate him finally blocking his, which felt like, a 10 year messy situation-ship, Seonghyeon managed to cut back to only one a week and substituted his cravings with tea (less to his liking). Otherwise, he’d experience worser chronic headaches and extreme loss of appetite, or at least that’s what his doctor (James, the designated pre-med who barely passed his gen eds ) said.
A structured, moldable substance that could be easily fixed when it went wrong, coffee was something that could be mastered and tamed. The lack of unpredictability comforted Seonghyeon, which was only solidified when he traveled abroad for a college.
Being a person never came easy to him the way it seemed to others. Though people often praised his performance, asking the same question: How do you remain so.. unfazed? He responds with a humble smile (how the contrary, he thinks), leaving the the years of wall-building required to perfect his composure unsaid.
‘’Well, I’m off,’’ Juhoon breathed out, a burst of vapor surrounding him as they stepped outside the cozy cafe. Seonghyeon just replied with a smile as he does, leading Juhoon to squeeze his tense fingers with a knowing look. Seonghyeon knows what this means, Don’t disappear. I got you. Seonghyeon squeezes back, a little harder this time. I’ll try.
———
Despite his insistent efforts to procrastinate, Seonghyeon found himself in the on-campus 24/7 library which happened to be on the other side of campus with textbooks consuming his side of the long rustic table that stretched across the entire second floor. Seonghyeon knows he should’ve started his anthropology presentation on linguistics a week ago, but sometimes other things such as doom scrolling and yes-ing every random side quest in his group chat is more enticing. With his airpods dead, Seonghyeon finds himself forced to settle for sighs, crushed spirits, and the occasional yawn to be his late evenings soundtrack.
But, he seemed not to be the only one reaping the consequences of poor time management. Across him sat a boy with glasses that slowly slipped down his face as he grew closer to his paper, biting his lip in focus, as his thick brows furrowed (a result of scribbling his fifth attempt at solving a quantum physics homework set, now was swamped with pencil shavings).
‘’Are you alright?’’ Seonghyeon blurts, oh shit. And before Seonghyeon can retract his statement, the man’s head shoots up immediately, locking eyes with Seonghyeon’s tired ones. He stares, like really stares, at Seonghyeon for a good while before nodding. ‘’Just seemed like you were about to kill that problem, or worse, yourself before I asked,’’ Seonghyeon tries to explain awkwardly, retreating to his halfhearted PowerPoint.
The man pauses, then just laughs, a real hearty one. Seonghyeon freezes, however, soon following the latter in chuckling. ‘’I sure was. It seems like the more I stare at the problem, the less I understand. Beats me,’’ the man continues, adjusting his glasses. ‘’I don’t even enjoy physics, yet I declared it as my major — funny how things work out, right?’’ The man now retires his laptop and notepad in his bag (which seonghyeon noted had a series of band pins, a The Bends Radiohead pin immediately catching his eye), ruffling his hair in the process.
‘’Right,’’ Seonghyeon breaths out, ‘’Same here. Winter semester just does that to you,’’ he begins to point at his own mess of materials. The man traces his things, soon after, catching Seonghyeon eyes again (this man sure does love eyecontact, he thinks.)
‘’What year are you?’’ The man asks, his eyes capturing Seonghyeons every feature, less to the others comfort.
‘’Second year. Currently doing anthro, might be switching but who knows at this point,’’ Seonghyeon sighs, each growing week he can feel the dread of employment and internship deadlines nearing.
‘’Hm. That explains why I haven’t seen you around,’’ The man trails, again, showing a lazy yet radiant toothy smile.
‘’I’m also a second year. My name is Ahn Keonho, and I’m a physics major, if you couldn’t already tell,’’ the man, Keonho, stands up throwing his bag over his shoulders. ‘’Yours?’’
‘’Eom Seonghyeon, my name is Seonghyeon’’ he manages to get out, though it feels as though he couldn’t breath since the conversation started. The other begins to whisper his name, enunciating each syllable in a painfully slow manner, ‘’Eom. Seonghyeon. Suits you well.’’ And before seonghyeon can reply, the puppy-like man begins to take a step away, but right before his departure smiles yet again, and opens his mouth to say something almost too quiet for seonghyeon to hear :
‘’I hope to see you around again, Eom Seonghyeon.’’
Fuck.