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Nam-gyu fears the dark.
Specifically, what the dark represents. What it means for him.
Sure, the dark can be scary in general. The dark at night is particularly unsettling. Even worse when it’s paired with the dark of dimly lit alleys, always seeming to swallow him whole. Or the dark lingering behind the fierce gaze of predators, ogling him with hungry eyes. He fears this kind of darkness, too.
But for him, the dark surrounding him, his whole existence, his very being, is even scarier. Because so far, it has caused nothing but pain for him.
He isn’t the most desirable cat. He’s come to learn this fact during his many years on the unforgiving streets of Seoul.
He’s small, and weak, and his fur is not at all comparable to the shiny, soft fur of the spoiled house cats he often sees on the other side of the window. His fur is ragged, and short, and patchy. And most importantly: it’s black. Pitch black. No spots of white, or brown, or other pretty colors other pretty cats have in their fur.
Nope, it’s just black. Black like the night sky outside of Seoul’s light polluted streets. Black like the dirty dumpsters he often finds himself rummaging through in hopes of finding something edible. Black like the two tiny dots in Su-bong’s beautiful jade colored eyes he so loves staring into.
Now, this particular color of fur technically wouldn’t be a problem, if it weren’t for the simple fact that nobody seems to like black cats.
At first, he didn’t understand it. Why are these complicated humans always squealing excitedly when they see Su-bong and often lean down to scratch him behind the ears, but never do the same with him? They always seem to evade him, sometimes even creating distance on purpose.
Though, he understands why they love Su-bong. Su-bong is really beautiful. He’s a tall cat, lean and agile, with his fur mostly being a soft white with blotches of different shades of brown and beige scattered all across his body. It’s a one in a million pattern, really. Unique and mesmerizing. People seem to be naturally drawn to it.
He understands that he looks pretty bland in comparison. Physique small, bordering on malnourished, fur boring to look at and probably even worse to comb through. Paws tiny, tail crooked, ears ripped after too many involuntary fights with other strays. Overall, not much to offer. Especially in comparison to someone like Su-bong, who looks much less mussed next to him and probably way more inviting to caress.
That’s fair, though. Nam-gyu’s a victim of years of rough treatment on the ruthless streets, always escaping death only by a hair’s breadth, whereas Su-bong has always been good at defending himself. Other strays tend to leave Su-bong alone most of the time, since they know he’d whoop their asses if they dared to pick a fight. Luckily, ever since Nam-gyu and Su-bong became friends, Nam-gyu also doesn’t have to suffer much anymore. They know they can’t harm Nam-gyu as long as Su-bong is around. And so they don’t even try to hurt him anymore.
However, that still doesn’t erase the scars and imperfections already scattered across Nam-gyu’s body. The remnants of the times Nam-gyu did get injured in the past.
But still – is he really that awful to look at to be avoided this badly? To have people running from him, even?
He’d asked Su-bong about it once.
Su-bong is really smart. He catches a lot of what humans say and seems to fathom what most of them think. Nam-gyu doesn’t envy this talent, though. It’s better if he doesn’t know what humans think and worry about all the time. He already has enough on his plate as it is. Besides, he doesn’t care about them that much, anyway.
But this topic, he cares about. Because it involves him. Because he needs to know why he’s so goddamn undesirable.
And so one day, he decided to find out.
He learned that, apparently, there seems to be a reason why humans tend to avoid him. Something to do with superstition, Su-bong had told him.
“Black cats are supposed to bring bad luck,” he’d said. “Or so they say.”
“‘They’?” Nam-gyu had asked. “The humans?”
“Mhm. They try to evade black cats because they think they’ll cause them trouble.”
Nam-gyu had looked at him with a blank expression. “Trouble? What kind of trouble?”
“Yeah, like… you know, getting sick, losing important things. Failing in life.” Su-bong had shrugged. “Stuff like that.”
“That’s stupid,” Nam-gyu had muttered. “What does the color of my fur have to do with their failures?”
“You’re right, it is stupid,” Su-bong had agreed, his smooth tail bumping supportively against Nam-gyu’s side as he nudged him playfully. “But you wanna know what’s even more stupid?”
That intense look on Su-bong’s face had been enough to make Nam-gyu’s pulse spike elatedly under that thin coat of black fur. “…What?”
“That they have no idea what they’re missing out on,” Su-bong had said, emphasizing his point by giving Nam-gyu a fond lick across his cheek and nuzzling it with his nose after. “After all, you’re my favorite cat in this whole shitty world for a reason.”
Nam-gyu had then snuggled closer to him with a soft sigh, their small chests vibrating with satisfied purrs as their heads rubbed together affectionately. “And you’re my favorite, too.”
Su-bong had licked a few more lingering stripes along the nape of his neck, straightening his tousled fur and leaving his mark on Nam-gyu’s body. Protective. Claiming.
And Nam-gyu can’t lie, Su-bong’s words of reassurance had been nice. Really nice. He knows he is appreciated by Su-bong, and that Su-bong is glad to have him around. And he is forever grateful for their strong bond. That should be all that matters.
However, the painful sting never quite seemed to vanish. The knowledge of being unwanted just because of his color sits heavy in his chest. Being unwanted because of something he can’t even control, can’t change. Something he was simply born with. Something others see and immediately deem unworthy, without even giving him a chance to show how much else he has to offer.
So, yeah. Nam-gyu fears the dark. The dark he can’t escape, no matter what he does, because it surrounds him everywhere he goes. The dark that inevitably clings to him like a shadow, no matter how much he tries to angle himself toward the light.
And that’s simply because everyone else fears the dark. Not because the dark is threatening, or hazardous, but simply because it’s dark. Because it’s black. Because he was fucking born a black cat, and they decided to make it his fucking problem.
It shouldn’t be a thing, it’s really not a big deal. But somehow, it still is. Because they make it a thing.
And now he has to live with the consequences. It’s just not fair.
“Nam-gyu?” Su-bong’s voice suddenly cuts through Nam-gyu’s thoughts, unintentionally startling him. His observant jade eyes sparkle with concern, the big pointy ears twitching attentively. “Is everything all right?”
Nam-gyu lifts his head from where it had been resting on his two front paws and looks at Su-bong. “I– yeah. Yeah, I think so.”
Su-bong doesn’t look convinced, if the deep frown on his face is anything to go by. “You sure? You look a little… out of it.”
Nam-gyu sighs. He doesn’t want to bring this topic up again. Partly because he doesn’t want to bother Su-bong, partly because it wouldn’t change a damn thing anyway. He’ll always stay a black, damaged and undesirable feeble cat. No matter how much he bleeds, and suffers, and tries his best to appear somewhat alluring, he’ll never be good enough.
“I’m okay,” he therefore lies. Simple. Efficient. Even if it’s far from the truth.
“Nam-gyu,” Su-bong stresses again, his voice laced with nothing but firm tenderness. He shuffles closer, his fluffy tail wrapping around Nam-gyu’s rear in a supportive gesture. “You can talk to me. Something’s clearly bothering you, and it’s no good if you keep bottling it all up. So, what is it?”
Nam-gyu lowers his head back on his paws, his gaze sweeping over the breathtaking skyline of Seoul. That’s one of the perks of being a cat – they can reach almost any location they want, since they’re masters at climbing objects like trees and buildings, no matter how tall or imposing they might seem. And they take full advantage of it. The spots they choose for their nights to rest and fall asleep together are never boring. Rooftops, bridges, cranes… The views from high up are exhilarating all the same.
At the mere silence Nam-gyu offers in return to his pleading question, Su-bong looks down at the smaller cat, his tense stance radiating concern. “Nam-gyu. Talk to me. Please.”
Finally, Nam-gyu relents. Su-bong won’t back down anyway, that much he knows for sure. So why not spit it out right away and save them both the time and energy.
“It’s just…”
He doesn’t even realize that he’s trailing off, his focus set on something else entirely. He watches an elegant house martin take off a balcony’s railing a few rows below, his intrigued yellow eyes following the bird’s smooth movements until it disappears behind a corner.
He can’t ignore the stinging feeling of envy overcoming him. He envies the house martin for being able to fly. For not being permanently tethered to the ground, to the biting stench of dread and despair clinging to the streets. He can’t just spread his wings and leave if life down here suddenly becomes too much. Day by day, he’s stuck with the tiring reality of running on nothing but fumes. It’s pretty much all he knows, and he’d lie if he said it isn’t exhausting.
“I’m just thinking…” Nam-gyu’s voice sounds distant, foreign when he finally speaks up again, his gaze still locked on the broad horizon ahead. “Don’t you ever wish for something… more?”
Su-bong stares at Nam-gyu. He thinks about the question for a moment, his long tail thumping against Nam-gyu’s side as he weighs his answers. Eventually, he settles on seeking clarification. “What do you mean, ‘more’?”
Nam-gyu turns his head to him now, his cheek still resting on his front paws as he looks up at Su-bong with his big, glassy eyes. “I mean more than… this. This life that we’re living.”
It’s quiet for a moment. Nam-gyu’s words lie heavy in the air between them, lingering, settling. Then—
“Why would I want something else? What’s wrong with what we have now?” Su-bong frowns. He turns his attention away from Nam-gyu and allows his gaze to wander as well, taking in the beautiful environment surrounding them. Blinking lights, busy streets, rousing noises. Every day, the city offers something different. What’s there not to like? “We see new things every day. Meet new faces, take on new journeys together. Why would I want more?”
A flicker of disbelief flashes across Nam-gyu’s face. “Really? You’re trying to tell me that this is seriously enough for you?”
He sits up now, mirroring Su-bong’s tense posture without even realizing it. His expression sours gradually, even though his reproach is not directed at Su-bong in particular, but rather at the general situation they’re stuck in.
“Every day, we have to search the trash for something, anything to eat. It’s barely enough to sustain us. Our bellies are never full. Just look at this cat over there,” he nods his chin toward a lit window in the opposite building, showing a well groomed cat munching on a rich fish bone, probably some sort of treat for her. “When’s the last time we had fish for dinner? You know how much I love fish. And yet, all we live off are scraps of stinky dog food and rotten fruit.” He shakes his head incredulously, “This can’t be the life you could possibly wish for.”
Su-bong’s whiskers twitch in irritation, yet he manages to remain calm. “It’s not all that bad, Nam. Maybe you’re just setting your standards too high.”
“Too high?” Nam-gyu echoes with a scoff, his temper flaring alarmingly. “My standards are actually pretty fucking low. All I wish for is a regular, proper meal and some basic fucking love. But of course you wouldn’t understand that. You get all the love in the world. ‘Aww, what a gorgeous cat! Look at the beautiful pattern, wow, I’ve never seen a cat so pretty!’,” he imitates the embarrassing girls squealing on the streets whenever Su-bong passes by. He knows he’s being unfair now, but he can’t help it. He never claimed to be a composed and confident cat.
Su-bong’s usually placid eyes flicker in offense, but he forces himself not to take these words to heart. He knows Nam-gyu doesn’t mean it. He’s just hurt. And he hates seeing Nam-gyu like this. So… small. Vulnerable. So easily marred. He wants nothing more than for Nam-gyu to be happy. He deserves it. He deserves all the positivity in the world.
“Nam-gyu, please, stop it.” Su-bong sighs softly and scoots closer, until their sides are touching gently, sharing much needed warmth and comfort with each other. He rubs his nose against Nam-gyu’s cheek, nuzzling into the soft, dark fur adorning his neck. It smells so familiar, so sweet and intoxicating. He could bury his nose in Nam-gyu’s coat forever, keep inhaling his unique scent forever. People are stupid for not giving Nam-gyu enough credit, and Nam-gyu is stupid for chasing their praise when he doesn’t need it. “You are so beautiful. Can’t you see it yourself? You don’t need validation from others to accept the way you look. The way you are. Your worth is not determined by other’s appreciation for you.”
Nam-gyu sighs. Despite his earlier reluctance, he finds himself easing into Su-bong’s touch, a deep rumbling sound erupting in his chest at being handled so delicately. Su-bong nudges his face more insistently now, apparently expecting a tangible reaction from Nam-gyu. That actually manages to pull a slight chuckle from the black cat, and he turns his head briefly to place a short lick across the corner of Su-bong’s mouth, serving as a thanks for Su-bong’s dedicated attempt of cheering him up.
However, he can still feel the pain lingering beneath all these layers. Lodged deep inside his heart, like a splinter that refuses to budge. Small but destructive. Hard to pull out, seemingly impossible to do by himself.
“Oh, Su-bong…” He lifts the top of his head against Su-bong’s chin, grinding into him tenderly, which Su-bong meets by pressing down against him as well.
“You know I appreciate you saying all this sweet stuff to me, but… that’s easy for you to say. I bet you could blink up at someone and they’d immediately take you in. Whereas in my case, the facts tell a different story,” Nam-gyu mutters, referring to Su-bong’s last words, his eyes drooping tiredly. His anger has dissipated by now, replaced by sheer disappointment and self-pity instead. “I don’t have anything like that. I have nothing. Nobody wants me, because of my stupid black fur, or my fucking ugly scars, or whatever the fuck else makes me undesirable. I guess I’ll have to live like this forever; hungry, despised and miserable.”
“Oh, Nam-gyu, my poor angel. I had no idea how much all of this actually affects you.” Su-bong leans down to lick across Nam-gyu’s forehead in firm stripes, the motion tender but insistent. He curls his white tail around Nam-gyu’s black one, their colors a strong contrast next to each other. “But you seem to forget, you aren’t alone. You have me.”
Nam-gyu’s whiskers twitch sensitively, his eyes blinking softly as Su-bong’s words settle in. “Yeah… I guess I do.”
“And as long as I’m by your side, I will show you every day how beautiful you are. How much I desire you. How much I need you.”
Nam-gyu lifts his head to stare at Su-bong now. Curiosity and disbelief slowly etch onto his velvety face the longer he looks at the taller cat, his bright yellow orbs the only source of color on his otherwise completely dark features.
He licks his lips nervously before speaking up. “Su-bong… You know how grateful I am to have you, right?”
Su-bong nods, visibly confused by the sudden change of direction.
“Really, I appreciate you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But I– I just– shit, I have to ask you something now, because just don’t get it,” he grits out eventually, barely able to contain the distressed tremors rattling his small body.
“Sure, yeah?” Su-bong’s enlarged pupils flicker uncertainly. “You can ask me anything.”
“Okay, so… Why do you chose me over all the other options? The better options? You could have everything. You could have the most perfect life. A life in safety, without all this hunger and suffering. Protected. Loved. Taken care of by someone who’d give you the world. Why do you refuse all of that willingly? Why do you choose this life instead, this absolutely shitty version of a life that brings nothing but pain and misery?”
Su-bong swallows. His heart hammers against his ribs, his tail coiling tighter around Nam-gyu’s as he shuffles even closer, seeking the familiar warmth of the smaller cat next to him. He fights the urge to rub against Nam-gyu’s head once more and instead focuses on getting his point across first.
“Because all of that doesn’t matter if I can’t have you by my side,” he explains softly, his chest vibrating so intensely from all the love he feels for his mate. “I don’t care if we have to starve every day, or freeze in the cold, or hide from the disgusting rain or fight these stupid, aggressive dogs ‘round the corner. It doesn’t fucking matter. None of it does. All that matters is that you are with me. That I get to see your face every day. That I get to share my food with you. That I get to snuggle up with you at night, wake up with you in the morning. That I get to look at the Han river with you, mock clumsy pigeons in the park with you. That I get to hear your wonderful voice every time you tell me how breathtaking the view is or how shitty the food tastes. I just couldn’t bear to be apart from you. Not for a week, or a day, or even an hour. I need you, I– I–” He stops, takes a deep breath, stares deeply into Nam-gyu’s attentive eyes. Ears twitching nervously, blood rushing through his veins, heart jumping in his chest. “I love you, Nam-gyu. I love being with you. Every minute spent with you is a blessing. Suffering is worth it if it means I get to suffer with you.”
Then – silence. A second. Two. Three, bleeding into four, bleeding into five.
Nam-gyu gapes at him, his sharp canines sticking out adoringly and catching on his bottom lip. Black tail thumping against the rough concrete of the rooftop in consistent flicks, barely held back by Su-bong’s bigger one still curled tightly around him.
Still, he remains quiet.
“Nam-gyu?” Su-bong asks then, cautiously. The slight nervousness in his chest slowly transforming into a stronger form of fear. “Please say something.”
“I–” Nam-gyu swallows, suddenly feeling very warm and overwhelmed, his belly fluttering with something he can’t quite name. “Su-bong, you’re– you– you love me?”
Slowly, Su-bong answers with an almost imperceptible nod. “Yeah, I– I do.” He ducks his head a little, almost sheepishly. It’s a rare sight, compared to his usual confident and smug persona. “I did for a while. I thought you knew, though. Thought it was obvious, with how much we do together. And with how often we… well, cuddle. I thought–” He cuts himself off, gathering his last remains of confidence, “I thought maybe you’d feel the same.”
Nam-gyu feels heat spreading through him, reaching every part of his body, settling deep in his face and belly, warming him from within.
Suddenly, the urge to be even closer to Su-bong becomes unbearable. He reaches up, juts his nose into Su-bong’s neck, the sudden force enough to knock the air out of Su-bong’s lungs for a moment.
“Woah, Nam-gyu, easy there,” Su-bong tuts, though he can’t contain the happy grin as he reciprocates Nam-gyu’s forceful movements. He rubs his cheek right back against Nam-gyu’s, the inevitably arising purrs coming straight from the depths of his heart.
“Su-bong, you have no idea how much this means to me. How much you mean to me. And I think– I think I love you, too,” Nam-gyu murmurs into the white fur, biting gently into the skin below Su-bong’s jaw, intent on leaving his own marks as he adds quietly, “Actually, I have always been in love with you. From the moment we first met.”
A particular deep grunt rumbles through Su-bong’s chest at this endearing confession, and he can’t help the sudden need to feel – to claim – Nam-gyu. His tail loosens its grip around Nam-gyu’s tail and instead curls around his front leg, keeping him in place as he devours the side of Nam-gyu’s face with persistent flicks of his tongue, occasionally nibbling on particular soft spots like his cheekbones and the fat near his jugular.
“You’re literally perfect, sweetheart,” he mutters during his exploration, one paw lifting from where it previously rested on the ground to lie on top of Nam-gyu’s paw, the touch firm and possessive. “You don’t need these stupid humans anyway. I don’t either. Their opinion doesn’t matter. The black fur suits you so well, and don’t you ever think anything else ever again.” He withdraws, stares sensually into Nam-gyu’s eyes, then leans in and licks the corner of his mouth, the bridge of his nose. “Seriously, screw these fuckass creatures who don’t see your worth. You’re a treasure, Nam-gyu. My treasure. And I’m never letting you go. You’re mine to cherish.”
Nam-gyu sighs in contentment as he allows Su-bong to lick his fur clean, from head to tail. To leave his mark, his scent all over his body. Purrs deepening, growing from soft tremors to strong vibrations, sharing the unconditional love and admiration they have for each other.
Maybe Su-bong is right. Maybe he is more than just the color of his coat. Maybe he is more than what these shallow humans think of him. Maybe he is beautiful. And alluring. And desirable.
Maybe he’s worth it.
Because if Su-bong can love him, why shouldn’t he do the same? They wouldn’t have made it so far together if he wasn’t worth it.
And suddenly, the desire to be someone else isn’t all that strong anymore.
Maybe he is right where he wants to be.
Who he wants to be.
He doesn’t fear the dark anymore.
If anything, he embraces it now. Embraces it as a part of him. As something that makes him unique, that empowers him, that represents his strength. Something that embodies the pain he went through, the continuous ache that shaped him into who he is today. The reminder to come back stronger with every blow he takes.
Something to be admired, to be worshipped. Something to be proud of.
Who says the dark can’t be beautiful, too.