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Hyenas laughed when stressed.
Pretty much everyone who got close to a hyena knew that, family and friends and stuff. But since I was still kind of new to pack street, no one knew that yet.
I mean, I was getting along with everyone else just fine. We could laugh at funny things, too, so no one could really tell the difference if they didn't know what hyenas were like.
I liked that. I liked it that no one could tell how much I hurt, sometimes.
Tonight would be different, though. The whole gang was going to head out and get wasted at the bar as a social event, and they'd invited me along. I couldn't wait; it sounded like a blast.
I was kind of touched they were already letting me into their social circle, just like that. It made me feel warm, like I belonged. Like I was appreciated. It really helped a lot.
I grabbed everything I'd need for a trip out of the house. Keys, wallet, phone…
I glanced at the bottle of pills sitting innocuously on the counter. Maybe next time.
I sighed, and shuffled out, locking the door behind me. I would feel so much better if I could lie to myself as convincingly as I could to people who didn't know me.
I bumped into Al, lost in my own thoughts. “Oh, hey Al! How's it hanging?” I asked, giving him an easy grin.
He just huffed. Dude always looked so serious. Sounded like it, too. But he wasn't a tight-ass, not really. That's just kinda how he was. “Ozzy,” he greeted dully. “Going somewhere?”
I tilted my head. “The, uh- The thing, man! The meetup, at the bar?” Oh man. Did I fuck this up? Was I not invited after all? I felt my smile grow strained.
The tundra wolf didn't seem to notice, grunting instead. “That's not for another hour.”
I laughed nervously. Stupid, STUPID. Of course I had the time wrong. “Hah! Yeah, but, like… I gotta get out of my apartment, you know? I'm going stir-crazy in there,” I mumbled, glancing away.
He looked concerned for a moment, and I thought he'd seen through me. “Go to the lounge.”
I glanced back at him. “What?”
He crossed his arms. “You heard me. If you're getting stir-crazy, you can hang out with everyone else who wants to hang out in the common room.”
Oh, thank god. I thought… I didn't know what I thought. “Yeah! Sounds like a blast, man. Thanks!” I replied with another laugh, shuffling off.
Good. Everything was good.
The lounge was actually pretty kickin' this time of night.
The twins were there, of course. A pair of very friendly aardwolves. Very, very friendly. Plus Avo, with her customary lollipop in her muzzle.
The aardwolves noticed me first. “Heyyy, it's Ozzy! How're you, stripes?” questioned one with a grin. That sounded like the girl one, right? Al warned me that they liked to switch places and pretend to be each other sometimes.
I grinned back. “Hey, you two! I'm good, as long as we're still on for tonight,” I promised.
The other one- Wolter, maybe- decided to speak up. “We're SO on for tonight,” he confirmed. “We're gonna get drunk AND find people to sleep with.”
His twin, nodded seriously. “That's what's known as 'efficient time management,' she intoned, right before her brother reached over, plucked a condom from her pocket and, flicked it at her. She immediately retaliated, starting a playful sibling scuffle.
I laughed joyfully as I watched her pounce and tumble around with him right off the couch. God, that was great. I'm glad they were so happy.
While I watched, Avo crept up on me. Well, she didn't intend to, or anything. I was just distracted. “Don't mind these two idiots,” she said by way of introduction.
I grinned at her. “Nah, man. It's all cool. So, are we ALL supposed to find a date tonight? Is that part of the thing?” Man, I don't think I'd be okay with that. I'd hate to be the only one who didn't participate.
Shit, or would I not be allowed to, like, not? Would I get kicked out? Before I could start to worry, Avo just smirked back at me. “Nah. These two just sleep with people first and ask how old they are never. We've had to keep an eye out for them since they never do it themselves.
Ooh. Sounded rough. “Yikes.”
She shrugged. “Anyone in a bar'll probably be legal, anyway.” She sat down next to me. “Hope you don't mind if I join you. I'd rather stay on the side of the room that isn't a war zone, if it's all the same.” She had such a confident smile. I liked it.
I tried to scoot away to give her space, but she just caught me by the shoulder, holding my shirt. I glanced back at her.
“Where are you going? Going to leave a girl to fend for herself? That's not a very gentlemanly thing to do,” she purred.
Oh, shit. That wasn't what I was trying to do at all. All I wanted was to- Oh, wait, that was a joke. “Heh, well. I guess if you're gonna put it like that,” I playfully returned, leaning against her. She seemed to appreciate the company.
She reached across my lap. What-?
Oh. She retrieved the remote from where it had been lying by my side. “And besides, you can be my meat-shield if the twins try to steal this back,” she snarked. I laughed, idly bumping her hip with my own.
“Oh, am I an amateur body-guard now?” I teased, leaning back into the couch as the TV fuzzed to life.
She glanced at me as she flipped through channels. “Amateur? I'm not sure if I want to trust my life against those bloodthirsty rogues to an amateur.”
I took a quick peek. It looked that said bloodthirsty rogues were now assaulting each other with pillows and cackling with laughter. I smiled wide at the sight. “I mean, if you don't get paid for it, you're an amateur, right?” That was why I was only an amateur musician and all.
She smirked again. It was a good look on her. “What, the chance to be in my company isn't payment enough? Greedy thing, aren't you?”
I didn't have time to think of something to reply with, since Al shuffled in. “Time to get going,” he announced.
I glanced to the clock. Shoot, he was right.
Tonight was gonna be great, I was sure of it.
I leaned over the table. We had our own booth!
Well, we were all crammed into a booth, anyway. Charlie had fished her roommate out from somewhere, and made him leave his book behind. He didn't seem happy about that. It was a lot easier to remember her name then Marty's, since Marty shouted hers a lot more. That was just because Marty got loud a lot, though. He was a real passionate guy.
Betty had been waiting outside when we left for the bar, smoking. She still was- Al apparently didn't like her smoking inside too often, but the bar was apparently fine.
The twins were sitting together at the end, because apparently nobody wanted to sit between them. Well, they were sometimes there- They frequently left to 'scope out the place for some choice dick', in Anneke's words. Her brother had scoffed in response to that, but still left with her.
Charlie had seated herself next to Marty. She seemed to be acting like his keeper, which irritated the stoat and made her smile. It was a pretty smile.
I wished I had a smile like that.
Al and Betty and Avo were all sitting next to each other, with Avo in the middle. I wondered if it was some canine thing I wasn't privy to.
But, as everyone got drunk around me, none of this was what really got my attention.
They were happy.
In between drinks (And smoking, in Betty's case, or trying to get laid in the Twin's cases), everyone talked about nothing in particular, told jokes, and laughed. Hell, even Al was laughing sometimes, even if he never started the jokes.
I could feel it building up inside of me, and I hated it. I chuckled along at the jokes, trying to keep the sound legitimate. It didn't stick.
I knew what the feeling was. It was want. I wanted what everyone here had. That community, that peace, that laughter.
Everyone here was so *fucking* happy, and I could feel myself slowly breaking down inside because I wanted to be happy too.
I- I couldn't. I couldn't stop them. Couldn't let them know what was wrong. That I was wrong.
That I was broken.
I started to laugh. I couldn't stop, starting to shake. Betty playfully slapped me on the back, as the nearest person.
Maybe I should have taken- No. The pills never helped. Never.
The fact I never took them didn't matter then, right?
I wheezed in my laughing fit. It was all so fucking funny, right? That I couldn't even laugh right. That they couldn't even tell when I needed help. Normally I liked that. It made me feel like I could pretend I was okay.
I hated it. I hated myself.
Betty took a drag of her cigarette. “Lay off, Oz. Nobody thinks book jokes are that funny.”
I shook harder. Nobody noticed. Marty started to defend his joke when I slumped forward, falling to the floor.
I curled up, shaking. My laughter was completely stressed and breathless, but I didn't care that I couldn't hide it anymore.
Why did I have to be so fucking wrong? I couldn't take it. I couldn't.
Marty noticed first. The librarian hopped up on the bar table, jumping down on the other side. “Hey, dipshits,” he called back. “That's not a good hyena laugh. That's a 'call nine one one' hyena laugh.”
Al's gaze snapped to the stoat, suddenly intense. “Are you sure?”
Marty padded over and put a paw on my neck. “Does this look okay to you?”
I wheezed. No, I- I didn't. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve for them to stop having fun because of me.
I didn't want this. I never wanted this.
I curled up all the way, hiding my face in my own fur. I didn't want to see the world right now. I wanted to forget it existed.
Forget how much of a fuckup I was.
Four firm, furred arms lifted me, and I felt myself being carried away.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I woke up, shaking. The nightmares were terrible, and they never got better. But it was okay, because I could just ignore them when I woke up.
Everything would be okay. All I had to do was laugh it off.
Laugh it off.
I took a deep breath, and waited until I could get my limbs to stop shaking. I sat up, pulled back the covers, and promptly yelped and fell out of bed.
Al was watching me from a seat he'd dragged over.
I pulled myself back up from the floor. “O-oh, uh… Hey. Hey, Al,” I stuttered out nervously.
Al gave me a pointed look. “You're not okay.”
Fuck. FUCK.
I laughed nervously. No, this couldn't be happening. Not now. Not this early. Why couldn't I laugh normally? “No! No, I'm… I'm fine, Al. Just a rough night.”
He crossed his arms. “Yeah. It was rough.”
Wh-
Oh god, I remembered. It wasn't all a nightmare. Some of it was real.
I slumped over, falling onto my bed. “Fuck.”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
Al seemed to know exactly how much he needed to say to get his point across. His tone meant as much as his words.
I needed to focus on something else. Anything else. Or I'd start shaking again. “Why, uh… Why're you in my apartment, Al? You like watching people sleep?” I laughed again, just as stressed as before. “I mean, if that's just a thing here-”
“I'm here because you passed out in our arms, and we didn't want to take you to the hospital until you were physically hurt.”
My words died in my throat. “Oh.”
I didn't-
I couldn't get it. “Why?”
He fished his phone out from a pocket. “Because someone needed to be here in case you hurt yourself.”
I flinched. I didn't have anything I could say to that. Nothing that would convince him.
He raised the phone. “Ozzy's awake.”
I stared. “Who, uh. Who are you calling?”
He ended the call, putting the phone back. Apparently, those two words were all he had to say to… Whoever. “Everyone. Ozzy, are you okay?”
I had just woken up. I was still in bed.
But I couldn't lie. Not right now.
“No,” I admitted quietly. “No, I'm… I'm not okay.”
I was so tired. All I wanted to do was go back to bed.
I wanted to sleep forever.
I bit the inside of my cheek, and sat up anyway. “Well… I'm awake, like you said. You can go,” I weakly tried to convince him.
He shook his head without saying anything. I should have seen that coming.
I could feel the shaking coming back. I fought it. Before I could try again, the door to my apartment opened.
Oh. He called… Everyone. The rest of the pack street gang shuffled in through my front door, and ended up surrounding the bed.
I didn't understand. “I don't understand,” I said, clutching my blankets back to me.
My neighbors glanced at each other, trying to figure out what they were trying to express. Charlie stepped forward, sitting on the bed with me.
“We're concerned about you,” she stated dully, direct as ever.
I glanced away. “You… You shouldn't be. You shouldn't care about me,” I answered immediately, too tired inside to pretend I felt any differently.
This time, it was Anneke who sat on my bed. I knew it was her, because of her voice. “Why?” was all she asked, before her brother joined her.
I gave a soft chuckle. “It's a waste. You should- You should care about someone you can fix. Someone worth your time.”
Betty rolled her eyes, muttering something derogatory under breath. She joined the rest, and my bed was starting to feel pretty crowded. “You can't just tell people not to care, moron. We're gonna care about you because we think you are worth our time.”
Marty hopped up onto the bed, and was immediately scooped up by Charlie. He twisted around to glare at her, but didn't fight his new position in her lap. Instead, he turned his attention to me. “Yeah, what Betty said.”
I looked back to Al. “Is…”
He nodded. “You're part of our pack now,” he rumbled. “We'll look after you. But you have to look after yourself, too.”
I looked away, staring into my lap. I could feel the tears starting to form. “I don't understand. I can't.” I was starting to shake again.
Anneke climbed over to me, and hugged me. Her fur pressed into mine, and she held me close. She jerked her head to Wolter, who soon joined her. “We'll MAKE you understand,” she promised. Her brother nodded, looking unusually serious.
Before I knew it, charlie joined the hug, bringing Marty with her. Marty started to protest, but a silent, withering glare from the fox made him shut up and join the impromptu group hug. Betty rolled her eyes again, but joined in after.
I peeked up over all the bodies pressed into mine.
Al looked disgruntled. “I don't do hugs.”
As one, the pack street gang looked back at him. Then, they all left me just long enough to grab him by the arms and pull him into a fresh hug, with me at the center.
I couldn't help it. I laughed. But this time, it wasn't as stressed.
It was genuine, even if I was crying.
We stayed like that for a while. It had to be only a few minutes, but… I could really feel like they cared about me. It was incredible. Strange, and alien, but…
Incredible.
Eventually, the hug disbanded. Al shuffled off first, and one by one the others backed away.
Anneke asked first, reaching down and holding my hand. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, sniffling. “Yeah. I'll… I'll be okay.”
All shuffled back, brushing past a leaving Betty in the process. “Here,” he grunted, pushing something into my hand.
It was my bottle of pills, from where I'd left them unopened on the counter.
I glanced up at him.
“You ARE going to take these,” he ordered. I wondered if he'd looked up what they were for, or if he just trusted the fact that I had been prescribed them.
I started to avert my eyes. I didn't want to look at him when I lied. “Yeah-”
His paw came up under my muzzle, gently but firmly pulling it back and making me look him in the eyes.
“You're going to take these,” he rumbled, “Because we want you to okay. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for us.”
My throat tightened. I-
I never…
I nodded.
“Yeah. I… I'll do it.”
One by one, everyone left my apartment. Al was the last.
I took my pills.