Chapter Text
Everything changed after the Battle of Starcourt.
Hawkins itself had changed. Grief had submerged the town as it mourned the thirty dead from the “Mall fire”. Of course, few were aware of the Mind Flayer, or the horrors of the Upside Down lurking beneath. But it didn’t matter. In a place as small as Hawkins, a tragedy of this scale affected everyone. It sprawled across the town like a scar.
The Party had changed. Max was the worst affected, as she had watched her stepbrother die in front of her own eyes. Mike shuddered at the memory as the image of Billy- his pained screams of defiance, the blood staining his vest- creeped into his mind. She had felt more distant over the past month and it was clear to anyone that the scale of her guilt was almost unbareable. Obviously, El was mourning her dad. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the extent of her pain. When she finally had a chance to have a family, Hop had been ripped away from her, forcing El to start again. While Mike clearly wasn’t the biggest fan of Hopper, he couldn’t deny that Hop had died a hero, saving them all from the wrath of the Mind Flayer.
And, of course Mike’s life had changed- or it was about to anyway. Crisp bronze leaves gathered on the roof of the Byers house, which made the joyful vibrance of summer feel increasingly distant. Bikes lay scattered on the grass as the Mike, Lucas, Dustin, Max, and Nancy helped the Byers pack up their life. This day had approached rapidly, even though Mike knew the Byers had found their new home in California weeks ago. Everyone was ready. Everyone but him.
Reality hadn’t hit him yet. He simply couldn’t believe that he was about to lose Will and El again. When El vanished after slaying the Demogorgon- yet another time she had saved all their lives- Mike had been swarmed with guilt. He was the leader of The Party- he was supposed to protect them, especially El who had suffered so much- and he couldn’t even do that. All he was able to do was call her everyday, never giving up on a response.
And Will… Will was his world. In fact, he couldn’t imagine his life without Will in it. It seemed impossible, more impossible than El’s superpowers, or the existence of the Upside Down. Will’s presence was something that Mike never questioned; the sky is blue, the sun is yellow, Will was here. If Will was no longer here, then Mike felt he too, would cease to exist- as if their fates were intertwined, forever tied to each other.
He had very nearly died that day at the quarry. Still painfully clear, the whistling of the wind echoed throughout his skull as he perched on the edge. Ignoring Dustin’s pained cries, he hardly hesitated when Troy told him to jump. After all, if Will was really gone, what was the point in continuing? Nobody else needed him. There was no guarantee they would find him anyway. It was almost poetic, he thought, as he knew their bodies would be found in the same place- inseparable since the day they met. Willingly, he cast himself into the murky depths of the black water below-
Mike pushed the thought away as he placed down yet another box into the U-Haul truck. He didn’t want to think of that nightmare now; he just wanted to cherish his last moments with Will.
Faint, familiar lyrics of ‘Never-ending story’ rang out from the doorway as Mike strolled back inside the Byers house, momentarily escaping the heat. Max and Lucas had been teasing Dustin all summer with that song. If he was honest, it was starting to get a little tiring. Yet it still seemingly brought a brief smile to Will’s face, so Mike supposed he could tolerate for just a little longer.
Taking care not to look at his best friend too intensely, he gazed across at Will as he walked past. Mike tried to memorize the image, painfully aware it would be one of the last times he would see Will in months. He had grown so much taller over summer, and his voice was deeper now as well. Red, white, and blue stripes decorated his t-shirt- stripes were his favorite thing to wear, Mike recalled as his eyes noticed the vivid scarlet book clutched in his hand. An alarm triggered in his head and his heart filled with dread. Surely not… surely Will couldn’t give up D&D?
Panicked thoughts raced across his mind. What if Will changed completely in California? What if he decided he hated stripes? What if his favorite animal was no longer a tiger? What if yellow wasn’t his favorite color anymore? What if… Mike hardly even dared to think it. What if Will found a new best friend? What if Mike didn’t know him anymore?
“Whoa, dude. That’s the donation box” Mike stated as he attempted to conceal the panic from his voice. Things between them were still… tense. He couldn’t blame Will for not entirely forgiving him yet- Mike wouldn’t forgive himself either. He was so stupid. Ever since the Snow Ball, he had ignored Will, when… he should’ve been there. Will was the most important person in the world. And he had to make things right between them.
“I know. I’ll just use yours when I come back” Will responded. If he still held any resentment from their fight, Mike couldn’t detect it.
Will hesitated for a moment. “I mean… if we still wanna play.”
“Yeah, but… What if you wanna join another party?”
Will smiled, a beautiful, radiant smile that seemed to light up the room. Confidently, he replied: “Not possible.”
Now Mike was the one to smile. His chest seemed to lighten- as if a burden was lifted from his back- and a grin spread across his face. It felt good; it was the first time he had smiled properly in a long time. Momentarily, all of his worries evaporated and it was just him and Will. Suddenly, Will wasn’t moving away, and Mike wasn’t El’s boyfriend, and they were just the same two kids who met on the swings that day. With their eyes locked together, Mike wished the moment could never end.
But then he heard the whispers in his head start up again. Stop staring at him, it hissed into his ears. You’re in love with El, not Will. Shamefully, he hung his head, averting Will’s gaze, but Will walked on by, seemingly unbothered by Mike’s awkward, uncontrollable behavior.
What’s wrong with you? Mike thought privately.
Still a little shaken and breathless, Mike wandered into Will’s room hoping for a moment alone to gather his scrambled thoughts. Instead, he saw El- her face twisted with frustration as she struggled to reach whatever was in the closet. A sigh escaped his throat; although he was reluctant to have this conversation, they needed to speak at some point about the future of their relationship.
They hadn’t talked much since Hop died. And Mike understood that… he guessed El needed time to grieve, and to prepare for the move. But Mike needed clarity- they never really got back together after she dumped him. It almost made no sense in a way, as their lives were about to become separate. Perhaps it would be easier if they were just friends- El and Will could still visit Hawkins all the time and Mike wouldn’t feel any pressure to act all romantic around El. He certainly wouldn’t need to kiss her anymore. Ugh. Mike had never understood why anyone would enjoy kissing. It just seemed so pointless, and almost repulsive to him. He supposed he would grow into it, but he was becoming increasingly unsure of this fact.
Ignoring those thoughts, he put on a facade of confidence, preparing to comfort El.
“They’ll come back. I know they will.”
Considering how much his height had increased over summer, it didn’t take much effort to reach the teddy bear hunched up the the back of Will’s closet. Now he saw it up close, he instantly recognized it- this bear was once Mike’s; he had given it to Will as a gift many years ago. Now it was tightly pressed against El’s chest as her arms clung around it. Already, she looked as though she belonged with the Byers. Her brown hair was the same shade as the rest of the family, and she was wearing one of Jonathan’s old flannels. It was a mustard yellow- Will’s favorite shade.
“Thanks.” El’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper. Clearly, she doubted Mike’s words. Silence lingered between them for a second as Mike searched his scattered brain for something else to say. There was so much to say, yet also so little.
“You packed your walkie right?” He blurted out.
“Yes.”
“Because you know that I’m gonna steal Cerebro from Dustin and call you so much you’re gonna have to turn it off right?” With the words flowing more smoothly now, relief washed over Mike. Because she was still technically on the run from the government, they couldn’t call over the phone. It was too risky. So they were forced to use the radio instead… which was slightly inconvenient, but it was worth it if he got to talk to El.
El let out a chuckle, which was a consolation to Mike. At least they could stay friends this time.
She gazed at him quizzically, her dark eyes taking in his features. “Did you talk to your Mom?” She asked. “About Thanksgiving?”
Thanksgiving. It felt like such a long time away. Could he really wait three months before seeing El and Will again? The idea made him want to collapse, as if a ton of bricks had been dumped on his back. Silently, he drew a breath, careful not to reveal his true emotions to El. He was the one who had to be strong.
“Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got the okay. I’ll be there.” El smiled, prompting him to continue.
“And… I was thinking, maybe you could come up here for Christmas. You and Will.” Now the words were spilling out of his mouth like vomit. “You could come before, or after Christmas, or whatever Mrs Byers wants. But I was thinking Christmas Day could be super fun because we’d all have new presents to play with and, uhh…” Shit. He shouldn’t have said that. Grow up, the voice in his head whispered. You’re not a child anymore.
“Sorry, that made me sound like a seven year old…”
“I like presents too.” El responded sweetly, oblivious to Mike’s clumsiness.
“Yeah, cool yeah. I like- I like presents too.”
“Cool.” Just like that, their conversation was over. Yet there were still things left unsaid between them, and Mike just stood there in silence while El walked away. Get a grip. How was he supposed to say everything he needed to say? Luckily, El was the one to speak first.
“Mike?”
This was it, he though as they turned to face each other. They were going to break up, but it was okay. They would still be friends. Everything was okay. The words echoed around his head as Mike desperately fought for reassurance, repeated so many times they were unintelligible. “Yeah?” He braced himself, waiting for the inevitable words.
“Remember that day… at the cabin? You were talking to Max.” Oh shit. El wasn’t supposed to hear that.
“Uhh… I don’t think I follow…” Anxiety creeped into his voice and he desperately hoped she would drop the subject.
But El was unwavering. “You talked about your… Your feelings. Your heart.” So she definitely had overheard that conversation then. Right. Cool.
“Oh… Oh, yeah, that. Man that was so long ago. Umm…” He stumbled over his words, unsure what to say. He wasn’t ready for a love confession right now.
“That was… that was really heat of the moment stuff… and we were arguing and…”
Uncertainty palpable in his voice, he said: “I don’t really remember… What did I say exactly?” Whatever the right thing to say was, Mike was sure it wasn’t that.
“Mike…” El’s hand cupped his cheek and Mike was fighting to stop himself from wincing and pulling away. “I love you too.”
She leaned in, her eyes closing as she kissed him. Surely now, after El admitted her love for him, he should feel love and warmth as she kissed him- they way he was supposed to feel. But… he didn’t feel any of that. Instead… he felt… disgust. The feeling of El’s touch all over him just made him want to run away. Escape somewhere far away, where he could hide. Mike just- didn’t understand. He was supposed to enjoy this, but he couldn’t. He just wanted the moment to end, for El’s lips to pull away from his. Everything just seemed to last forever. They were so close that Mike could feel Will’s old teddy bear pressing into his ribs, and he started leaning back instinctively, trying to create some space between them. It almost felt like he was suffocating.
Finally, El stepped back; Mike was wrecked with guilt and self-hatred as he stared into her kind eyes. She deserved better than this. She deserved a boyfriend who could love her properly, in the way she deserved, not a useless piece of shit like Mike. But it was no use. El loved Mike, so he had to try to love her back. Because she deserved to be happy.
What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he be normal? Why couldn’t he love girls, the way he was supposed to? He watched on dumbfounded, rooted to the spot in front of Will’s closet. Will. He didn’t think he could ever enjoy kissing a girl. But maybe… just maybe…
No! The voice in his head screamed. You can’t be like that, you can’t be like… one of them. Mike was helpless as realization drowned him. He couldn’t ever love El like that… but… but he could love Will like that. He wanted to kiss Will. He wanted to hold Will’s hand, and go on dates with him, to make out with him. All the things he didn’t want to do with El… he wanted with Will. The terror and shame of it all hung over Mike like a curse.
Shit. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He needed to hide these feelings, bury them away deep into his heart where nobody could ever find them, or see the wrongness within him. Nobody could ever know. Not a single soul. Not Will, not El, and especially not his dad. He couldn’t begin to imagine the horrors that would unleash if Ted Wheeler ever found out that his son was a…
Stunned in a shocked silence, Mike stood alone as his world crumbled around him.
A creak of the door as Mrs Byers closed it for the last time. Footsteps on the ground as everyone gathered round to say their goodbyes. Birds singing gleefully in the treetops. What did they have to be happy about? Every second became more painful as it got closer and closer to the Byers leaving. Each minute hit him with an increasing sense of dread like a train was hurtling towards him. He observed as Max hugged Will, followed by Dustin, then Lucas, constantly aware that his turn neared far too rapidly.
Tears were already spilling out of Will’s eyes as he approached Mike and the two boys instantly reached out for each other. Mike pulled Will closer, relishing his touch as he nestled his head into Will’s shoulder. The dampness of Will’s face stained his shirt with sorrow; Mike’s own tears threatened to burst, but his dad’s voiced seemed to whisper into his ears: Men don’t cry son. That bleak reminder in his head was enough for Mike to suppress his emotions, at least briefly.
Will’s sobs vibrated through Mike’s heart, deepening his own wounds. He wished there was something, anything, he could say to make things better, but it was no use. No words could be said to relieve their joint agony. All he could do was hold Will tighter, until it felt like absolutely nothing could come between them and break them apart. He never wanted this moment to end, because then he would be left all alone. Nobody else understood him like Will did. There was so much he wanted to say- needed to say to Will, yet he was sure that if he tried to speak, no words would come, only his anguished wails. I’m sorry I was such an asshole to you. I love you, and I need you, and I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to stop playing D&D with you, I want us to stay in my basement for ever and play games for the rest of our lives. I don’t want anything to change. I love you, and I want to go crazy together until the end of time. Tears were really flowing now. He pulled away, not wanting Will to notice how weak and helpless he was. Somehow, he hoped Will would receive his message, even though he knew it was impossible.
Mike blinked back any remaining tears as he watched a blurry image of Will clamber into Jonathan’s car. El approached from behind him, giving Mike a quick hug goodbye. Although their heads were pressed together, Mike was careful to keep her at arm’s length. Then, El too left him, as she sat down on the backseat of the car. Mike pictured the Byers family in their new home, happy now they had found a better life, while Mike was still stuck in the shitty town of Hawkins that he seemed destined to never escape.
A gentle roar of the car engine signaled to the group that their time here was over. The beat-up car tires kicked up dusted as they left the driveway for the final time, following the moving truck. This was it. They were really… gone. While everyone else made their way over to the patch of grass where they had dumped their bikes earlier this morning, Mike just stood there in disbelief. Gone. despite his knowledge that it was impossible, Mike’s desire was so strong he hoped the car would turn around, and Will would run back into his arms where he belonged. But moments passed and nothing happened.
Admitting defeat, he trudged over to where his bike lay collapsed on the ground. He picked it up and climbed on, but he felt detached from the motions of his body. The only thing he felt at all was the overwhelming sense of loss and shame rooted deep inside him. Mike gazed into the difference as Max, Lucas, Dustin, and even Nancy cycled away from the Byers house for the last time. How were they just able to move on so easily, when it felt like everything was changing for the worse?
He turned around to take in everything one last time. The place where he had spent half of his childhood playing with Will, his second home where Mrs Byers had always been warm and welcoming, the same location where he realized… he was in love with Will. But now it was all over. Empty. The Byers had moved on with their lives, and Mike had to as well. No matter if he liked it or not.
As he cycled away, Mike felt like a part of his soul had been ripped away from him, leaving him hollow, and empty, and alone.
Thoughts swirled around his head like a hurricane as he rode home. When his house came into view the storm only worsened, now tainted with fear. Mike let his bike clatter to the ground. His hands were still trembling, yet he was powerless to stop them.
Loudly, the door slammed behind him as he entered the house, but Mike didn’t hear it. He was too preoccupied with his own thoughts. Why did he have these… these feelings towards Will that he couldn’t explain? And what could he do, now that Will was gone?
How could everyone just act like everything was normal, when everything was in ruins? Rage, terror, and frustration rose within him like a volcano, threatening to explode- he couldn’t let it. He had to find control. The television blared from the next room, a clear indicator to Mike that his dad was there and he couldn’t risk any display of emotion. Nancy had already gone upstairs, signaling that she wanted to be alone. If anyone understood, it would be Nancy, but they had never been great at communicating with each other. Holly was scribbling with her crayons, while his mom looked on fondly, a smile on her face. A reminder to Mike that the Wheelers were a perfect family- perfect, except for him.
Mike just stood there, desperately trying to process everything he was feeling, so he could pretend it didn’t exist, and this wasn’t happening to him. His mom glanced at him momentarily, witnessing the devastation on his face. Immediately, she abandoned the cookbook on the countertop, rushing over to him, cradling him.
He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. He wanted to tell her that living without Will was impossible, but he couldn’t. He wanted to tell her everything that was wrong with him, but he couldn’t. Mike recalled the day when Will’s body was found in the quarry- a sickly image of a small, pale, dead Will was scarred onto his retina, and he had sobbed all the way home, wailed into his mother’s arms, not caring who could see. Now, things were different- he knew he couldn’t display that much emotion over his best friend, or… or people might think it meant something else. So he couldn’t cry. He couldn’t tell her his true feelings, instead he just stood there in awkward silence, while his mom comfortingly stoked his hair.
“Oh Michael” she whispered into his ear. “It’s going to be okay.”
She was wrong. Nothing was okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay. He was a disgrace to the Wheeler family. Mike though that is she knew what he really was, if she could see the poison within him, then she would never want him as a son.
Yet for now, he let her try to soothe him, while he could pretend to be the son she deserved.