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“Woah! Watch where you’re going!”
Lovino blindly whirled around in the doorway. “How about you get out of my way next time?”
“It’s not like I meant to-” Gilbert began.
“Do you have any idea how sick I am of seeing your stupid face? Why does it always have to be you?”
“Woah. What’s with you all of a sudden?” “The hell did I do wrong?”
Confronted like this Gilbert’s typical confidence seemingly began to waver. That didn’t stop his voice from gaining a sharp edge though. Most likely he thought it was unjust, as he believed himself to be without fault. In between furious breaths something akin to a conscience voiced its protest. And Lovino might have turned and escaped from this situation he already despised, might have retreated to curl up somewhere secluded…if not for that hint of superiority. Even now he looks down on me. Hadn’t Gilbert been his wretched, inverse mirror image, had it been anyone else…
“Oh, you really wanna know?”
“I just-”
“Out of everyone you’re the worst. Has anyone ever told you that?” His fists were curled so tightly his nails dug into his palms. “At least they don’t pretend to be someone they’re not. But you…oh, you’re desperate to make yourself seem like something you’re not, like you obtain some bullshit wisdom by being a miserable, pretentious overachiever. All you ever do is boast about your own potential, huh? But what are words worth if there’s nothing but ego backing them? You’re nothing. It’s all some act to make people like you, to ignore how pathetic and unhelpful you are beneath all the theatrics. When was the last time you accomplished something of value or even helped people? Huh?”
“Don’t you think that’s…” He struggled to find the words, rooted to the spot with a dampened expression. “You don’t really think that, do you?”
See? This is what you do to others. It was all the confirmation Lovino needed. Deep within his chest the pain grew numbing, struck by the simple truth before him. What was the point in feeling struck by regret? It was too late. He couldn’t take it back now.
“Lovino-”
“Shut up.” He choked, throat tightening with things that couldn’t be let out. “Don’t say anything, just go. Why are you still here? What-”
“You’re crying.”
Standing petrified taking in the undeserved softness in those two words, spoken as if the insults suddenly lost their meaning…So perfect was he, that he didn’t even care. Lovino forced his way past Gilbert, and when he heard him calling out he began to feel nauseous. I can’t do anything right. I can’t even argue with him. The violent turmoil that had been simmering just below the surface tore him open, leaving revolting, pitiful chunks scattered all over the place.
Nothing hurt as much as the loneliness, knowing he had no one to turn to. That, too, was his own fault.
—
It must have been midday when the doorbell rang. At least that was what his sore eyes told him as he stared at the blinds, noting that the darkness wasn’t as impenetrable as before. Must be someone with the wrong address. Or something I really don’t care to hear about. Most things, people in particular, only served as a reminder that life was continuing regardless of what he chose to do. Lovino pulled the covers over his head and tried to ignore it, staring down at the shirt from yesterday that he hadn’t even changed out of. Was it difficult to breathe because of the blanket or because of this one, insignificant setback that for some reason drained all his willpower?
The doorbell persisted. Go away. He curled up tighter. What would anyone want with him?
“I’m coming in…”
He could have recognized that voice anywhere. In an instant his heart began racing, adrenaline forcing him back to reality. How did he- No. Doesn’t matter. What am I supposed to do? There was nowhere for him to go; his bedroom being located on the second floor meant Lovino would have to go downstairs to escape. And there’s just no way-
As if on cue the stairs began creaking, footsteps determinedly approaching and growing ever clearer by the second. They paused outside the door. “Um…Is it okay if I…?”
He froze, unable to say or do anything, waiting for the inevitable like an animal trapped in a cage. Would it have convinced him if he yelled at him to go away? Somehow it seemed unlikely. Not if he came all this way.
“Right. Okay.”
Light streamed in as the door slowly swung open, causing him to squint even though he wasn’t facing it. Seeing as there were no other options available Lovino bitterly resigned to his fate, shame burning hotly inside his chest. In the end it was Gilbert who had to walk over to his side of the bed. He must think I’m acting like a child. What other conclusion could someone make, seeing him like this? He wasn’t even man enough to make eye contact as he crouched down, so clearly and unflinchingly seeking it out.
“Hey. You don’t seem to be doing too well.”
“Here to get revenge for last night?” He mumbled, staring into the pillow and clutching his legs tighter to his chest. “Go ahead and laugh. It must be tempting.”
“You know I wouldn’t do that.”
“I don’t.”
“Then clearly you haven’t been paying attention. Whatever version of me you’ve conjured up in your mind, trust me when I say it’s inaccurate.”
“Do we have to talk about this right now?”
Gilbert gave him a soft, sad smile. “Kind of, yeah. You did say some pretty intense, totally out of character stuff.”
Lovino scoffed. “Don’t lie to me. I’m always like that, aren’t I? Being a complete asshole for no reason…”
“You’re a bit standoffish. That’s not at all the same thing.”
A silence fell between them. “You don’t mind that it’s dark in here?” He eventually asked.
“Maybe it’ll make it easier if we can’t see each other well.”
“How’s that helpful?”
“Gives you somewhere to hide. I dunno.”
“I’m not hiding.”
“Clearly.”
Every second dragged on for an eternity as Lovino scrambled to think of a way out of this mess. “...Last night. I didn’t- didn’t mean to- I don’t know. I didn’t mean any of it. Not really.”
Even though he wasn’t making much sense and the words just fell all over the place Gilbert’s gaze softened in the muted light. He leaned back against the side of the bed, staring at the blinds. “Kind of figured already. But still, I’m glad to hear it.”
Lovino blinked at him over the top of the blanket. “Then why are you here?”
“To check in on you, dummy.”
“Why? I don’t understand…”
“That whole rant was about someone else, wasn’t it?”
“It wasn’t.” His heart skipped a beat, denial making him respond far more urgently and vehemently than the situation required.
“So you’re saying it was about me then? See, that wouldn’t make any sense.”
“What do you mean?”
Gilbert shot him a side glance, accompanied by a subtle smirk. “Whenever you lose it at someone you always revert to something very simple and nondescript, like ‘stupid’, or ‘idiot’. The kind of words that don’t do much harm. Except when you’re criticizing yourself…”
Lovino suddenly felt more aware of him, as if there had been something about Gilbert he’d been overlooking that suddenly came into view. He looked the same, short white hair messy with pointed edges that fell over his intense, vividly red eyes contrasted by the dark spots underneath them. A contrast of light and shadows, at least at first. Then Lovino began to suspect something looked…gentle about him, not overtly so but present even in his sharper features. But what could possibly have changed overnight?
“Didn’t know you were watching me so closely.” He eventually said. To his great annoyance the observation was probably spot on; Gilbert rarely, if ever, misjudged someone.
“Hard not to when you draw so much attention to yourself.”
“I don’t do that.”
“Well, maybe not on purpose.” Gilbert peered at him with a strange curiosity. “Maybe, and this is just speculation so do correct me if I’m wrong, we’re more alike than we may seem. I once had to prove my worth to make others acknowledge me.” He chuckled. “If you had any idea how furious I was back then, how determined…Every setback only served to fuel me. I had to prove the world wrong, couldn’t stand being the shadow of someone else even for a second. Maybe that same drive exists inside you?”
“That wouldn’t be a good thing.” Would it?
“Why not? Why shouldn’t others recognize your potential? There’s nothing wrong with seeking respect and admiration. Hell, name one person who doesn’t want these things.”
“But still-”
“Oh, let me guess: you’re going about it the wrong way? Do people get hurt because of it? Somehow you’re God’s special exception who’s done so much wrong he cannot ask for anything?” He shot him a meaningful glare. “Didn’t realize you had such low self esteem.”
“Get to the point already.” Despite himself, Lovino began to grow frustrated.
“My point is you’re equating having drive with being in the wrong. If you meant what you said last night you feel like a fraud, right? The real reason why I wanted to come over is because I think you’re wrong, but you’ll never find that out by staying cooped up in here.”
“That’s a lot of effort wasted on someone who treated you like shit…”
“Come on! It clearly wasn’t about me. And even if it was, so what? Just apologize and move on already. That’s all you can do.”
For some reason his throat began to tighten once more. “I don’t get it. You’re being so patient, so…kind, when I’ve done nothing to deserve it.”
He shifted nervously, averting his gaze. “I have my reasons. Like I said, I get it. At least I think I do. Encouragement would have gone a long way back then…Recognizing this, why shouldn’t I offer you a hand? It’s exhausting having the same, nonsensical arguments over and over. Don’t you agree?”
Like Gilbert predicted earlier he was grateful for the darkness. This way he wouldn’t notice how his eyes glimmered in a silent admission that he’d pinpointed something Lovino could barely begin to confront. Sometimes arguing felt like the only thing he could do, had to do in order to keep going. All he could do was quietly hum in agreement.
“Right. I, uh, heard what happened before you ran into me. No wonder you’re feeling so terrible.”
Lovino sank deeper behind the sheets. “I made a big deal out of nothing.”
“Or maybe you were just sick of feeling overlooked. Maybe you were rightfully pissed off.”
“It wasn’t like anyone meant to-”
“Doesn’t matter if they meant to or not. You spent a lot of time and effort preparing for that presentation, right? Only for it to be ruined by others taking up too much time bickering over whatever nonsense they keep retreading.” He sighed. “Happens easily with people like us, I guess. We’re just ancient relics dwelling on countless misdeeds and mourning our lost splendor, bored and ill fit for this world.”
“Does feel that way sometimes…”
“That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to be better, however. And,” Yet again Gilbert peered at him, this time almost seeming flustered. “maybe we can be a bit less critical of ourselves. Cuz we’ve been through a lot, right? How many decades or centuries can one person tolerate before it starts wearing them down? We’re all a bit unbalanced.” He cleared his throat and straightened up. “Uh, to get to the point…I don’t think you snap at people because you’re a bad person. It’s even justified sometimes. You’re looking out for yourself, it just comes out sounding worse than it is. So yeah, I’m not mad at you or anything. Just thought you should know.”
“It wasn’t fair to unload it on you.” Lovino tried to argue, though his voice didn’t hold much conviction. It was a lot to take in.
“Maybe this is weird to say, but in a way I’m glad you did.”
“It does sound weird.”
He couldn’t resist a smile as he peered down at the carpet. “Not everything I feel needs to make sense, does it? At least not right away. Maybe my intuition tells me in advance how I ought to react.”
Lovino couldn’t recall the last time they’d spoken at such length. All he knew for certain was that this was different, and therefore a bit frightening. It felt like he’d been made to reveal something inherently detestable about himself, and that he hadn’t found an opportunity to step in and conceal the worst of it. But he wasn’t the only one; somehow Gilbert had let on to things he previously hadn’t even considered, hinting at there being much more to him than you might imagine. As much as it irked him Lovino couldn’t deny he felt special. Trusting someone with such vulnerable truths must have been hard. Deep within something frail yet stubbornly prevailing wondered how special he was to him, precisely. Almost instinctively he repressed the warmth this prospect brought with it.
“So, uh…You wanna hang out for a bit? Watch a movie or something. I don’t know.”
“If you wanna leave then go.” Lovino mumbled. “I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will.” By accident their gazes met. “I’m asking if you want me to stay, not if you need me to.”
“Don’t you have anything better to do today?”
“It’s just gonna be the same old boring meeting I feel like I’ve attended a million times. You’d actually be doing me a favor by allowing me to opt out.”
Though he laughed softly at the end Lovino sensed a certain…anticipation. Suddenly the request seemed to hold far more weight. He considered it, heart picking up pace, going from one extreme to the other. Eventually he just grew tired of thinking and said whatever first came to mind. “If you want to. Staying here will be boring though. I don’t think I’m leaving this room…” How predictable. No doubt he saw right through it, noticing right away how he chose to say it and what words had been filtered out for being too revealing.
In response Gilbert stretched out and prepared to get up from the floor. “Then let’s just sleep for a while. I’m feeling as exhausted as you look…”
“Sure. Why not?”
He said it to seem indifferent, like he wasn’t aware of the burden being lifted from him. This way he wouldn’t have to look after a guest. Had Gilbert done that on purpose? In hindsight Lovino probably should have realized what this actually meant. Wasn’t it obvious? Instead his slow running mind skipped right over the implication. That was until Gilbert stood up, walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down to take his jeans off. For the first time since he appeared Lovino was compelled to move, turning over to stare in outraged bewilderment. Is he out of his mind? All kinds of objections flashed through his head, but in the end he simply couldn’t be bothered to argue. That was bizarre. Since when did any of their interactions end so peacefully?
With a sigh Lovino laid back down, though not without a disapproving thud marking his frustration. “Why are you like this?”
“Like what?”
“So unbothered. It’s like you don’t let anything affect you.”
“Someone’s nervous.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re kind of cute when you’re moping.” The sheets rustled as he settled down beside him. “Is that a weird thing to say?”
“I guess it’s in character. Which is not a compliment, by the way.” He could feel the heat radiating off his body, hear the near inaudible breaths he took…Being this close made him nauseatingly aware of his presence and what it invoked.
Silence fell between them once more. Eventually Gilbert cleared his throat. “You, uh…you okay? I forgot to actually ask, didn’t I?”
It almost ached to be asked that question in such a genuine, caring tone of voice. Lovino had to take a deep breath. “I’m fine. I just-” What was he supposed to say? Describing something so multilayered and hollow like what he felt inside his chest… “To be honest I still feel like shit. Kind of. Not that I need to. I’m just sensitive.”
Adding on a soft laugh to disarm what he’d just said evidently didn’t work on Gilbert. Maybe he’d picked up on the way Lovino’s voice tightened at the end, despite all efforts to keep it down. In any case he regarded him with concern, guilt almost, though he had no reason to care so much. Lovino had to look away, couldn’t stand receiving something he hadn’t earned. Why couldn’t he be more upset with him? That way it wouldn’t feel so shameful, like he was the only one who’d done something wrong. Finding the silence unbearable, brief as it may be, Lovino prepared something dismissive to say, all to convince him it wasn’t serious at all. But Gilbert didn’t give him enough time, pulling him closer into a somewhat awkward, uncertain embrace that remained loose. In case I push him away. Where his heart had been fluttering in a wild frenzy it now stung, upset at the mere thought. Maybe he was just tired and upset, but he hated seeing him act so cautious.
Can I really be vulnerable like this? Is that okay? He hardly dared breathe. It seemed so daunting. Tense all over, Lovino hesitantly returned the embrace. Now they were tightly pressed against each other, so close that you could almost feel a pulse where skin touched skin. Lovino could even faintly make out his scent, both the artificial one of lingering deodorant and the one that was deeper, muskier, more belonging to a body. His mind was one incoherent, contradicting whirlpool, first going one way then another and never reaching any kind of certainty. It didn’t come as a surprise that his face burned hot with embarrassment, but…
“I’m sorry.” Lovino should have said it before. Why had it taken until now, when an apology carried far too much weight? Now he was apologizing for everything. His frail voice made that all too apparent.
He felt him smile. “It’s all right.”
A hand gently stroked his hair, warm just like the rest of him. To his surprise he felt lighter, despite the whole situation being so sudden and previously unthinkable. It didn’t feel that way, though; it could have been the most natural thing, curling up against his chest and letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, then closing his eyes and finally, finally letting go. Maybe Lovino couldn’t reach this kind of peace without being sapped of all energy. That must be why. He refused to believe Gilbert was anything special.
…Did this mean they were a thing? Lovino’s jaw grew tense with mortification. Usually this kind of connection went through a whole bunch of unnecessary filters to slow the process down, like neutralizing words and excuses. Just “wondering” if the other “happened” to be free over the weekend. That way no one would realize until it was too late. So what the hell was wrong with him? With both of them? It really shouldn’t feel like this so soon.
Gilbert softly chuckled against his neck. “Caught up with reality?”
“We might be idiots.”
“And why’s that?”
“I mean, the hell is this supposed to be? Wasn’t this about apologizing or whatever we were doing before?”
“Does it matter? Let’s just stay here like this.”
Lovino peered up at him in the dark, all too aware of how flustered he must appear. “It kind of means something, you know. This. Whatever it is.”
“We’ve lived far too long to play stupid word games.” Gilbert replied in a low voice, meeting his gaze. They seemed to have gotten alarmingly close while he wasn’t paying attention. “I think we both know what it means. I’m only interested in your decision, which you’ll have to make soon.”
He was right. Of course he was. That was still his most obnoxious trait. Lovino internally cursed him, and then himself for good measure. “I feel like I can’t do anything right today, or even think properly. Why don’t you decide?”
“Is this a less incriminating way of asking me to kiss you?”
“It is.”
So he did, gently and without coming off too strongly.