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Marco turned his head, blinking sleep blearily out of his eyes as he was met with the glorious sight of Giuliano's peaceful face. The sunlight filtered in through the curtains, dancing across his noble features, his chest rising and falling slowly. It comforted him, to watch his Duke breathing. To know that even after all the trials they had suffered he was still alive, still in Marco's arms, still there for Marco to love.
After Sarah and the Doctor had left, Giuliano's fascination with science and the stars, not in a mythological way but a scientific, mapping way, had only increased. Marco loved to watch his lovers eyes light up as he rambled on about his newest discovery or theory to do with the rotational force of … something or other. Just because Marco listened didn't mean he understood a single word. He never had a head for academics, even as a young boy. He had never been simple nor particularly lacking in intelligence but the research and theory and time consuming nature of academics had never appealed. He far more enjoyed sword training accompanied by an intriguing book on sword techniques afterwards. But he could listen to his Giuliano go on and on about any topic for a whole day. Sometimes he did really learn the stuff that he was told; Giuliano delighted in taking the time to teach Marco some of the basic knowledge and understanding of science, but sometimes the information was too advanced and it just washed over Marco as time spent with his lover, listening to him and making him happy.
And in return, Giuliano was willing to listen to Marco's opinions on famous swordsmen and sword fighting techniques he had. Giuliano could certainly use a sword as well as the next man but had little love for neither training nor the artform that swordfights could be. The two could spend hours just telling each other about their new discoveries an opinions.
As Marco watched, lost in thought, Giuliano's eyelids started to flutter, blinking against the golden light as he turned his sleepy face towards Marco. Marco loved mornings like this, where he could watch the man he loved so much gently greet the day and be the first thing he sees. A sweet smile spread across Giuliano's face as he reached up to Marco, placing a hand on the back of his neck.
"Good morning handsome." Giuliano mumbled as he pulled Marco down for a kiss. Marco went willingly, smiling into the kiss and muttering a quiet
"Good morning indeed," against Giuliano's lips
"I do not want to leave this bed." Giuliano muttered, eyes slipping closed.
"You have a meeting." Marco chuckled and Giuliano leant back into the pillow with a low groan.
Marco loved mornings like this one.
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The meeting was not going well. It hadn't even started well but it seemed to just be getting worse and worse as time ticked on. The council seemed to be in a collectively bad mood and all Giuliano wanted to do was sit in his bed with a book on new science he had just bought with Marco laying in his lap. Eventually the discussion turned to harvests and the mood became impossibly more dour.
"The Rasuga district has encountered a particularly bad harvest run this year my lord and the people are asking for assistance." Michael Passini stated. As Giuliano went to respond another member of the council cut in.
"Every district has encountered bad harvests, including the one that the Duke lives in, we cannot expect that he dish out food to everyone in abundance." Carlo Portillo responded
"Of course not but it his job as Duke to ensure that his people are fed."
"And they will be but he cannot be seen to favour any one district over another."
"I do not ask you to show favour my lord, I simply wished to make you aware that our district has been hit particularly badly and ask that you consider this when discussing rationing"
"Of course he knows this, he is Duke. Do you not trust-"
"Thank you." Giuliano cut Portillo off by raising his voice slightly and turning his head to Passini "Thank you for bringing this to my attention. You have a report?" Passini nodded and handed over the report. Giuliano could feel pressure behind his eyes, knowing his head would soon start hurting. He wanted this meeting ended now. "Thank you. I shall take these reports and think them over before our next meeting. For now we are adjourned." Portillo snorted
"Think over. We are all aware this just means you'll discuss it with that Marco. Must every decision be run past Marco before you make it? He is not your privy council. Nor is he your wife." Giuliano suppressed a flinch at that. He had neither the patience nor energy to deal with Portillo right now. He knew that Portillo valued tradition and position above all else and decided that was his best route out.
"I do not like what you are implying about my dear friend Portillo nor do I like your tone. You will do well to remember I am the rightful Duke and leader here, not you." Giuliano stood with as much authority as he could muster barely allowing himself to glance at Portillo's cowed face before sweeping out of the room and hurrying to his chambers.
When he got there Giuliano sank into the chair at his desk. He really was thinking it over regardless of what Portillo wanted to infer. It was a simple harvest issue that he could solve himself. Giuliano twisted the hem of his robe between his fingers, slowly stroking the velvet, bringing some calm to his mind. Of course, there was one thing that would definitely calm him. If he could feel his beloved Marco's arms wrap tight around him, if he could just bury his face into the crook of Marco's neck, he knew he would be able to breathe deeply again and think through a solution.
But he could not burden Marco with his every worry. Marco already gave him so much and supported him through everything and this was Giuliano's job. He was Duke, he could handle a problem like this. It was what he was raised to do.
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Giuliano had been acting strange all day. Anytime Marco tried to ask how the meeting went or where Marco could help, Giuliano seemed to tense up and shut the conversation down. At first Marco didn't notice this as odd, sometimes Giuliano had days like this, where he struggled to interact in what polite society would call the correct way. Marco never minded, he knew that Giuliano never meant anything by these days, he simply needed comfort or space or a shoulder to lean on and Marco was happy to provide anything.
He didn't even bat an eye when Giuliano moved away from the gentle hand Marco went to place on his shoulder as he worked on something particularly vexing as he knew it would ground him. Sometimes Giuliano didn't like to be touched and Marco would never force something he didn't like on him.
The first sign that something was wrong was when Marco saw Giuliano frowning at some document with the council's seal. He had walked towards Giuliano, intending to sit down and offer his help in working out a solution as he so often did, but the second Giuliano noticed him, the document had been folded closed. Giuliano had set it aside and stood to press a kiss to Marcos lips. They had slowly walked back towards Giuliano's bed and when Marco had tried to ask about the document Giuliano had simply responded lightly with
"Nothing you need worry about dear," before peppering kisses down Marco's throat, effectively distracting him from any piece of paper.
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Marco found him when he was pouring over the harvest reports again. Giuliano hastily tidied the papers up looking up at Marco who was frowning slightly.
"My love," Giuliano hated how soft Marco's voice was almost as much as he hated how badly he craved that softness. "what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Giuliano snapped. He could do this himself, he didn't need to ask Marco for help. Again.
"Giuliano, my dear, you have been distant and stressed all day. Please, tell me how I can help." It was that word. Help. He didn't need it. He could stand on his own two feet; he would prove Portillo wrong.
"Nothing! I do not need your help Marco. I am the Duke of San Martino and I can solve my duchy's problems myself. I am not a child. I do not need you." The moment the last words left his mouth he wanted to shove them back down his throat. They were a lie. He needed Marco so badly but he did not want to admit that to himself right now. A look of shock flickered across Marco's face that morphed into deep pain before settling on a forced blank look that Giuliano recognised from Marco's dealings with dignitaries. It hurt his heart to have that look directed at him.
"I see. Of course. I apologise, I did not mean to assume." Marco bowed his head stiffly as he said "I shall take my leave."
Giuliano opened his mouth wanting to take it all back but he couldn't make a sound as he watched Marco's retreating back.
He slumped down into his chair and let his face fall into his hands.
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Marco knew, deep down he knew, that Giuliano was probably not actually angry at him. But it had hurt to hear those words. Giuliano's voice had been cold and angry and held the weight of a Duke, not a friend or lover. A small part of Marco had always worried that one day Giuliano would realise that he could have a much better and easier life if he were to choose someone other than Marco. If he found a wife and created a family. He knew, rationally, that Giuliano loved him and would not leave him, but Marco had never had as much burden on him. He was the third son of a minor noble who just so happened to have spent his schooling years with the Duke's son. He did not have the weight of a duchy on his shoulders so could surely never truly understand Giuliano's worries. Giuliano often said that Marco made up for the pressure he didn't receive by letting his mind worry more than it should. His head had always been filled with anxieties about almost everything. When he was younger he would worry that every word he said was wrong and every action would lead to dreadful consequences. He was getting better at controlling the worrying now and Giuliano had been so wonderful at comforting or reassuring him that he need not be so worried. But now when the exact anxiety that plagued him most viciously had been said by the very man it was about, when Giuliano had told him I do not need you, that anxiety clawed at Marco's insides making him feel nauseous.
He knew something was wrong with Giuliano, that something was causing him great stress which he was trying to keep from Marco. But his mind would not let him rationalise that with the words Giuliano had said. They seemed to repeat in a loop inside Marco's head over and over as though a choir was chanting. I do not need you. Cold, angry eyes. I do not need you. Marco eventually made it to his own chambers and sat down heavily on his bed digging his fingers into the sheets and trying to bring himself back to reality. It felt as if he was living the day again through the lens of an old seeing glass, the view warped by those five words. I do not need you. Shying away from his touch, not because he did not want any touch but because he did not want Marco's. I do not need you. Snapping at Marco out of genuine irritation, not because he was having a bad day. I do not need you. Dismissing Marco's interest in helping with the council. I do not need you. Refusing to let Marco comment on or even discuss the meeting with the council. I do not need you. Not trusting or even considering Marco's judgement on the issue he was confronted with. I do not need you.
Marco noticed distantly that his breathing was becoming rapid and shallow and thought perhaps he should attempt to fix that. But his lungs seemed so difficult to deal with right now and there was a lot going on in his mind. They could wait. He fell back to lie in the bed before rolling into his side and curling his knees to his chest. He would deal with his breathing later. He would also deal with the apology he would have to give Giuliano for walking out the room with neither permission nor an explanation later. He had never needed either before but perhaps if Giuliano did not need him, did not love him anymore then they had become a requirement. Perhaps he would not even want Marco in his city anymore. Marco didn't know and he didn't really want to think about it right now, even if it was all he could focus on. His mind seemed to be slipping away slightly as he tried to distance himself from everything that had just happened. If he was far enough away then he could pretend that today hadn't happened at all yet. He could pretend it was still morning and he was still watching golden light spill over the bed and Giuliano was still looking at him with love.
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Giuliano knew he was wrong to say that. He knew the anxieties that swirled in Marco's mind and he knew that his words would only solidify them. It did not matter what Giuliano did to prove his love, a little part of Marco's brain would never trust him. And after today, he could not blame that little part. He was angry though. Not at Marco, at himself maybe and at the council definitely. Because the council had just been proven right. Giuliano could not handle something as simple as a poor harvest without Marco's help. He had become so reliant on Marco that he could not solve this one small issue by himself without getting so stressed that he accidentally tells the man he loves that he does not need him. Giuliano needed to apologise, he needed to set this right. But he did not want to prove the council right. So he would go to Marco and apologise and then explain that he did not mean it he just had an important council affair he had to deal with that Marco didn't need to help with because it was the Duke's duty. Not the Duke's lover or confident or friend's duty. Marco would understand and forgive Giuliano's thoughtless words. Hopefully
Giuliano stood before the door to Marco's chambers. He had waited an hour before coming to find Marco, wanting to allow the man space after Giuliano's careless and frightened words. But now he had to apologise for the whole day.
He knocked on the door gently and waited for reply. When none came he knocked again, harder this time and called out.
"Marco? The maid said she had seen you walk in and not leave, so I know you're in there." he was met with more silence. "Marco, please, I came to apologise. Please let me in." Giuliano was not above begging. He knew he had messed up and would do anything to gain Marco's forgiveness. Seeing Marco shut down that mask and walk out of his chambers had been the whack over the head that Giuliano had needed. Who cares what the council says about his strength? Giuliano is plenty strong enough and Marco is not a weakness. He is his greatest strength. "Please, Marco," Giuliano knocked again leaning forward as if he didn't know Marco could hear him through the door regardless. "I love you and I'm so sorry for my words, please open the door." Finally, Giuliano heard a noise from the other side of the door. It was not a comforting sound. It was an almost strangled breathy sound as though Marco was trying and failing to calm himself. Giuliano had heard this sound many times when Marco was having a particularly anxious day and knew that Marco was probably spiraling in his mind and trying his best to keep himself under control to speak to Giuliano. Giuliano hated that he was the one to cause that spiral. Fear and guilt gripped his heart and he had a hand turning the handle of the door before he had really thought about it. Marco was scared and in pain and Giuliano needed to be there for him. "Marco I'm coming in." Giuliano called out as he pressed the door open slowly.
The sight that met Giuliano was like an arrowhead lodged under his ribs. His beautiful, confident, strong Marco was curled up on his bed, knuckle-white grip on the covers. His eyes had a glossy sheen over them and his breathing was shallow and ragged. And Giuliano had been the one to put him in that position. Slowly and carefully, Giuliano knelt beside the bed, keeping distance between the two of them but needing to be closer. "Marco, darling I'm so sorry. Please let me help you, let me apologise I'm so sorry." He slid a hand closer to Marco, trying to offer the comfort he knew Marco craved at times like this. Marco's whole body flinched back from Giuliano's hand as fear seemed to become even more stark across his face. The arrowhead buried itself deeper into Giuliano's chest. It seemed as if Marco couldn't really hear or understand the words that Giuliano was saying which wasn't uncommon for when he was like this but Giuliano didn't know what to do this time. Usually Giuliano was safe, Marco would see him and allow him to take the frightened man into his arms and hold him close until his breathing evened out. But this time Giuliano was the threat.
There was nothing that Giuliano could do to comfort him. So maybe he should just start apologising and keep saying the words over and over until Marco can believe that he was not a threat. Not that Giuliano would ever be a threat to Marco, but he knew how irrational and strange Marco's thoughts were sometimes and how little control Marco had over it. He would not ever hold it against him and he would try his best to help him through, even though he had caused the thoughts this time.
"Marco, darling, I am going to apologise, and keep apologising, until you can hear me and I can help more. Okay?" Marco's eyes weren't quite focused on Giuliano but he seemed to be aware that Giuliano was speaking to him at least. "I am sorry I was so unkind earlier. I should not have snapped at you, nor should I have been pushing you away all day. I am sorry that I said such untrue and unfair things to you. I was angry at the council and myself. Not you, never you. I am so sorry. I should not have taken it out on you, I'm sorry." Giuliano's speech melted into a repeated string of apologies and explanations and more apologies as he knelt on the wooden floor trying to bring his Marco back to him.
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Marco knew Giuliano was there. He had heard him knock and seen him come in. He had seen the hand reach out to him, so clearly meant to strike him for his earlier insolence. Now, Giuliano was kneeling on the floor beside Marco saying something. Marco couldn't really hear it over the rushing of blood in his ears. Why was Giuliano still here? Surely he had come to admonish Marco, to tell him he was no longer required in the castle, perhaps even to tell him he was to leave San Martino. So why had he stayed? Was it because Marco hadn't responded yet? He should respond. He tried to nod his head to let Giuliano know that he understood that he had to leave but his head would not move. Giuliano's face was so close to Marco's and maybe if he tried, Marco could bring it into to focus. The blurriness of his vision seemed to lessen slightly as Marco focused and the image of his lover - probably former now - started to clear.
Giuliano's face did not hold the anger and resentment that Marco expected. He seemed almost sad, guilty, perhaps even scared. What did Giuliano have to fear here? That Marco would reveal their relationship if he were banished? Marco wouldn't and somewhere in his mind the thought that Giuliano knew this too tried to shove forwards. But the spiraling cloud of fear was too strong. Perhaps if he tried to hear the words Giuliano was saying then he would understand what he was being asked to do.
Eventually some words started filtering through. "sorry" what was he apologising for? His words? Making Marco leave? He didn't know. "Angry……never you" "Afraid…..the council." Was Giuliano….explaining?
Marco was once again becoming aware of his lungs, his breathing had never evened out.
Right.
He never sorted that out. He should try now so he can listen to Giuliano. He tried taking some deep breaths, the rushing in his ears slowly dying down and Giuliano's words were starting to seep through.
"I am so sorry my love. I did not mean to harm you. I am sorry, I should not have said that."
Oh.
He was apologising. Not for forcing Marco out but for what he had said. Marco's lungs were filling so much easier now and his vision seemed barely blurry. He still couldn't talk but he was no longer so irrationally scared and he's pretty sure he could move. He needed Giuliano to know that but couldn't tell him. So he decided to reach out his hand. He had flinched away earlier; what he had thought was a strike was probably an offer of comfort. He could fix that now. He slid his hand across the cover towards where he could see Giuliano's, letting their fingers brush against each other. Giuliano's breath hitched and there was a brief pause in his stream of apologies as he slowly turned his hand palm up. Marco reached his hand all the way until their fingers were intwined and their palms pressed together. Giuliano held his hand back gently, as though allowing him to take his hand back with no struggle if that was what Marco wanted. It was not.
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Giuliano took a sharp breath when Marco's hand settled into his. He knew Marco could hear him now.
"Marco, can you sit up? May I hold you? Please?" Giuliano asked gently. He knew Marco often liked to be held through these but he did not know if this time he could be the one to provide that comfort. Marco nodded his head slightly.
Giuliano held Marco against his chest, gently stoking his thumb across Marco's shoulder. Eventually Marco took a deep breath and whispered
"I'm sorry."
Giuliano immediately tightened his hold
"No, no, my love. You have nothing to apologise for. It is me who was unkind." Marco was already shaking his head.
"No I shouldn't push, I left with no permission even when it was clear you no longer-"
"Marco." Giuliano interrupted. He could not allow Marco to think like this. "My council - in the meeting this morning - they said I was weak that I relied on you too much. I was stupid about it. I tried to solve some stupid harvest problem by myself but I was so angry at the council that I couldn't focus enough to fix it. And that made me angry at myself. And I took that out on you. I am sorry."
"Oh." Marco seemed a little at loss. His voice did not raise above a trembling whisper. "You do not want me to leave?"
"No my dear, I could never want that." Giuliano pressed a kiss against Marco's temple. "I know that I said I did not need you," Marco tensed in his arms and he rushed on "but I promise you, I do. I need you by my side always. Not just because you are helpful and supportive in my rule but because you are everything to me. You are the air I breathe. Pushing you away today suffocated me and I never want to feel anything close to that again. I need you so much and it is so selfish of me." He could feel tears escaping his eyes and Marco's shoulders were shuddering beneath his hands.
"It is not selfish. You could never be selfish. I love you so much and I am so grateful I get to be here with you. I want you to need me, because I need you just as much." Marco lifted his head from Giuliano's chest and rested a hand on his jaw.
Giuliano leaned in and captured Marco's mouth in a sweet kiss. They held each other close and leaned back into the pillows. They traded kisses and apologies and I love you's deep into the night.
The next council meeting Marco walked in beside his lover and sat beside him. He glared at every member, none of whom dared to raise an issue.