Chapter Text
Adora was not in love with Catra. Obviously. It didn’t matter what any of her friends said. It didn't matter if every time Adora goes to stare at Catra, the other girl is already staring back. It didn’t matter how Adora felt about it. Adora knows this.
It doesn’t matter if last week she had the best night in all of her 14 years. It doesn’t matter if she can’t stop thinking about it, thinking about how Catra was dropped off at her house, where they got ready together. Catra let Adora do her hair (she never lets anyone touch her hair!), and Adora can’t even comprehend how someone can have hair that soft. Catra even closed her eyes while Adora braided. Adora felt so much pride at how much her best friend trusted her. Catra, ever persistent, convinced Adora to let her hair out of her signature ponytail. Catra even tucked Adora’s hair behind her ears for her, and promised her that it looked so much better down.
Adora’s outfit was nothing fancy. She felt a bit awkward in the high neck red dress that went down to her mid calf. Catra, on the other hand, looked so at home in her button up shirt and dress pants. Adora wished she could carry herself the way Catra does. Adora’s parents took a million photos, and Adora was so happy she couldn’t even complain if she tried. Every time she looked at her best friend her smile just grew wider. At the dance, Catra made fun of the decorations, pulling Adora around by the wrist to see the activities and snacks. Glimmer said she looked like a lost puppy dog following Catra around, but at that moment Adora couldn’t care. Her whole friend group eventually ended up out on the dance floor, and somehow Adora convinced Catra to go too. Every moment felt perfect. Catra grabbed Adora’s hand while they jumped around, and the dance floor must’ve been really crowded because Adora’s face felt super overheated! She kept dancing though, looking around at all of her friends. This was their last big celebration before everyone went off to high school. Adora felt nothing but happiness looking at all their smiling faces.
When she turned to Catra, the other girl was already looking at her with her beautiful mismatched eyes. Adora wishes she had eyes as pretty as Catras. She tells Catra that, having to yell a bit over the music. Catra leans in a bit to respond, cracking a joke that only made Adora smile even bigger. She grabs Catra’s other hand and they dance through the final song, swaying and spinning sloppily. She would live in that moment forever if she could, a moment where nothing would change and everything was perfect. Adora thinks that was the happiest she has ever been. But it doesn’t matter, obviously. So why can’t she stop her hands from shaking underneath the picnic bench? Why can’t she stop thinking about it? How did she let everything go so wrong so quickly?
Adora hasn’t even started eating her food, and lunch was already half way over. She wasn’t used to spending lunch alone. On Monday, Glimmer made some stupid joke about Catra’s “crush” in front of the whole group. Adora got flustered and defensive, and when she turned around, Catra was long gone. Glimmer laughed, asking Adora if she was going to follow Catra, “like she always does”. Adora didn’t go after her, instead running off to sit alone with the strange feeling coming over her, but obviously that was the wrong choice. Glimmer's speculation just got worse and Catra hasn’t picked up any of her calls. It’s like Adora can’t do anything right. Catra is so important to her. She doesn’t know why things feel so weird right now! If she can’t hold it together here, how are they ever supposed to make it through high school together? She didn’t see Catra for the rest of that day, or the day after. On Wednesday, Catra was walking toward Adora, but Adora turned the other way, suddenly feeling panicked and frazzled like she'd just run a marathon.
Adora can’t explain the weird twist in her gut. Something is really wrong and she has no idea how to fix it. It is Thursday, and Adora is at a complete loss. Right as hot tears start pricking at her eyes, a tan hand with long nails comes into Adora's vision, flicking her forehead to get her attention.
“I can literally hear you thinking”, jokes Catra, but the teasing tone comes out a bit strained. Adora whips her head up, worried that her intense thought really did teleport her best friend to her side. Catra looks down, and slides over some cafeteria pizza. “You obviously don’t want to eat that”, Catra says, pointing at the rock hard excuse for a hamburger on Adora’s tray. Neither of them move. Adora stares at the woven blue plastic of the table in front of her as if it is the most interesting relic to ever be unearthed. “Come on, Adora. I know the pizza is your favorite”, she tries again. Of course Catra knows that the pizza is her favorite. That just makes something else in Adora’s whirlpool of emotions flare up. This is a typical Catra apology, disappearing for a bit then coming back with a peace offering. Adora doesn’t quite know what Catra is apologizing for. Adora finally looks up and stares at her, trying to find something to say. Catra scoots in closer, trying to bring the tray into Adora’s reach. Catra radiates warmth, and right now Adora feels as if she is burning.
Adora jerks abruptly away from Catra, and finally speaks. “Thanks!” she says, far too loudly, earning her a confused look from Catra. She tries to arrange her face into a polite smile but it must come off as more of a grimace, given Catra’s shift into the defensive. Adora now sits on the far edge of the bench, looking anywhere but at Catra’s face. She just keeps messing up.
“What is wrong with you, Adora?” Catra tries for snark, but her hurt is apparent. Adora kicks herself. Everything she does is wrong. She doesn’t even know where to start. She wants to give Catra a big hug. She wants to push her away. She wants to grab her hands and dance and make everything the way it was a few days ago. The eyes of some of the surrounding tables start to focus in on them, making Adora feel even worse. She looks at the food as if it will tell her what to say, but the thought of eating makes her sick. She scoots back a little more, hoping that some distance from Catra will help her think clearer.
“I just-” Adora starts, but cuts herself off. Catra’s annoyance only grows, and Adora so badly wants to reach out, but what if Glimmer’s joke is true? She doesn’t want their friendship to change. Everything else is already changing and Adora can’t handle it. Catra is the best thing she has. Her body can’t make up with her mind, and she ends up with a palm reaching out towards Catra, stopped 6 inches before her shoulder. She pulls it back, and Catra shrinks into herself. Great job, Adora. Wrong choice again. “Highschool is just so soon, Catra”. Wow, Adora thinks, is that the best she can come up with?
“So you just want to avoid me until then? I don’t get it, Adora.” Catra’s voice is rough and accusatory, and Adora feels like her insides burn more with every word. Every bit of her brain is trying to come up with an answer, but her throat feels like it is closing in. Catra speaks again, this time with a bit of uncertainty. “Is this about what Glimmer said?” Adora freezes. Glimmer brought up a possibility that terrified Adora, that maybe her friendship wasn’t what she thought it was. Adora can’t seem to get her thoughts straight ever since that stupid joke was made. It shouldn’t even matter. It doesn't matter! But all of the sudden, Adora is filled with an absolute need to know. She speaks before she can think about it.
“Is it true?” she says, voice unwavering. Catra's eyes get a little wider, and the chasm in Adora’s chest does too. Catra hesitates for a few seconds. Adora swears those were the longest seconds of her life. Catra opens her jaw, closes it again. She stares at Adora intently before answering.
“No”, Catra says simply. But the pit in Adora’s stomach is not satisfied, Adora keeps pushing.
“No? Then why did you run away?”. Adora’s tone turns almost mean and she can't stop it. Something within her feels like it's clawing its way out.
“Oh, I get it. You just want to use me to inflate your huge ego. No, Adora. It's not true,” Catra spits back. Adora feels desperate for some reason. She stares at Catra like she is a puzzle, but her stomach is doing something so weird and she is having a hard time keeping focus. “Oh, poor Adora. Are you realizing that not everyone is in love with you? Because they're not”, and Catra’s words feel like little knives. Every strange emotion she'd been feeling was bubbling up all at once. She thinks Catra might have been aiming for a joke, but she also thinks she might be exploding and imploding at the same time. She looks down again, swallowing the lump in her throat and trying to maintain her composure. Catra’s sharp demeanor melts into something dejected. “Just eat the stupid pizza”, Catra mutters after a long pause of Adora’s silence. Catra gets up and leaves before Adora can stop her, and Adora feels like something inside her has shifted.
She looks up, alone in the center of the quad. A few people were watching the interaction. Adora doesn’t think she can hold it together anymore. She quickly throws away the food and runs to the bathroom. She looks in the mirror, repeating a mantra of “Pull It Together Adora!” and she feels stupider with every second. This wasn’t even a real fight. Her and Catra have been through so much worse. But Adora feels like somehow she has messed it all up. Flashes of the last week go through her mind. Everything went from so perfect to so inexplicably muddled. She thinks of when she met Catra on the first day of school, how Catra asked her to hang out and how Adora invited Bow and Glimmer along as well. She remembers how Catra shrunk into herself. Adora remembers how she and Catra have hardly spent a day apart ever since. She feels like the stupidest girl ever. She feels like she is forgetting how to breathe. The only things that would calm her down would be Catra’s hand in hers, but isn’t that the problem in the first place? Adora is so confused. None of this even had to be a big deal. If only she could've said something, anything to get Catra to stay. But her body is a traitor and her mouth wouldn’t move. She replays the conversation, listening to Catra’s “no” over and over. She should feel relieved, right? So why does she feel so horrible?
Everything freezes and Adora sharply inhales, pausing with her hands full of water, hunched over the sink.
She realizes for the first time that maybe she was hoping Catra’s answer would’ve been yes.
Adora didn’t realize that was something she wanted, something she could want, until it was already gone. Now she really pukes, the sticky bathroom floor somehow a welcome distraction from her own brain.
Adora is in love with Catra. And she's ruined any change she might've had.