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“And finally, all employees get three weeks’ vacation each year!” announced the Archdevil of Rebellion, Figueroth Faeth. Whoops and cheers rose up from the crowd of devils and imps that had gathered in the largest board room of Fig’s recording studio. “Now get outta here!” she shouted joyfully. She watched the crowd stream out of the door, her hands on her hips in a proud stance.
“Yep, I think that will really improve morale around here,” she said to herself.
“Mistress, what about me?” screeched a voice from her feet. She looked down and saw Wretchrot dancing at her feet.
Frig grinned. “Yes, that includes you, Baby. In fact, you’re free to take your vacation now, if you’d like.”
“Yippee!” he screamed, and he took off out of the recording studio.
It was a dreary, rainy day – the usual weather for Cardiff – and a red-headed young woman sat staring wistfully out of the window. Life was nice in England (well, technically Wales), yes, but K2 missed the fun and magic of Spyre. The thunder rolled and she sighed.
“Kristen!” came an ear-splitting screech from behind her. K2 whipped around to behold an amalgamation of blood dancing in the doorway. It was about thirty centimeters tall and had wings and a scorpion tail.
“Kristen!” it screamed again. “I’ve got time off! Let’s go on vacation!”
“Blimey, who are you?” she asked.
“I’m Wretchrot, but you can call me Baby! I usually serve the Mistress of The Bottomless Pit, but not for the next three weeks!”
“Oh, you know Fig?”
“Yes! I am made from Mistress’ blood!”
“That explains a lot. So what in the bloody ‘ell are you doing here, ‘guv?”
“I thought you might be bored so I decided to invite you along on my vacation!”
“Brilliant! Where are we going?”
“To the Grand Canyon where I can scream!”
“I love it. Let’s go.”
K2 quickly packed her bag and she and Baby headed to Heathrow airport where they took the next plane leaving for the United States.
When they arrived at the Grand Canyon they booked mule rides down the canyon, though Baby’s mule was visibly upset with its passenger. Baby kept begging the mule to lick him, and K2 had to continually intervene.
“Wretchrot, you berk, they like salt licks!”
“I’m salty enough! Fig’s sodium intake is off the charts!” he wailed as K2 pulled him out of the mule’s mouth for the third time.
“Enough of that. Now, we’re almost at the bottom, mate, so sit tight.”
They continued down to the bottom of the canyon where they reached the Colorado River and K2 rented them kayaks. Baby managed to only paddle in circles while K2 constantly rolled over in hers, so they returned the kayaks and joined a whitewater rafting group instead.
“Yippee!” shrieked Baby as their raft crested a whitecap along the river. They bounced around the river, the refreshing spray of the water splashing them and keeping them cool under the hot Arizona sun.
When the raft pulled over for a lunch break, K2 reapplied her sunscreen and offered some to Baby.
“I don’t need it! I have no skin!”
K2 shrugged and continued to apply more lotion to herself. The unfortunate couple nearby them, however, lost their appetite after accidentally overhearing the conversation.
After their rafting adventure they hiked back up the canyon to the top where Baby perched on a safety railing and screeched and screamed to his heart’s content. When he was done screaming, he turned to K2 who was reading a brochure and said “I’ve still got eighteen days left of vacation. Want to go watch a cockfight?”
K2 frowned. “No, that doesn’t sound fun.”
“OK. Then how about we go to a nearby McDonalds and hang out in their playplace.”
“By jove, I love it! Let’s go!”
They took a rental car to Cottonwood, out past Sedona, and chilled in the indoor playplace while eating mcnuggets and fries.
After that they headed back north, abandoning their rental car and instead hitchhiking along Route 66 heading east. They stopped at the Cadillac Ranch and the Wigwam Motel, and dined at the Big Texan Steak Ranch where K2 polished off their seventy-two ounce steak and asked for more (Baby barely managed his twelve-ounce steak). They marveled at the Blue Whale of Catoosa and the Pops 66 Giant Bottle in Oklahoma, climbed the world’s second-largest rocking chair in Missouri then caught a flick at the 66 Drive-In before finally posing with the Gemini Giant in Illinois. By the time they reached Chicago, Baby’s vacation time was nearly up, so they caught a flight back to London where K2 hailed a black cab.
She bid a teary good-bye to Baby, thanking him for the fun trip.
“I’ll come back next year and we can go whale hunting!”
“How about instead we go to Bali?” she proposed.
“I’m in!” he screamed. They hugged and K2 got into her cab and rode it all the way back to Cardiff.
Meanwhile, Baby danced his way back through dimensions and returned to The Bottomless Pit.
“Baby!” said Fig when she spotted him wobbling around the recording studio. “How was your vacation?”
“Oh, it was good! I had a lot of fun screaming at different things!”
Fig winced. “That’s great to hear.”
“I’m gonna do it again next year, but this time tropical!”
“Well, I’m glad for you. Now, there are a lot of people who need to lick you, so get to it, Baby!”
“Yes, Mistress!”