Work Text:
Jackie doesn’t know a lot of things in life. She doesn’t know what her major will be in college, she’s not sure whether she wants to keep dating Jeff or not, and she can’t decide if she should wear her pink shirt or her green one tomorrow.
But she knows Shauna. Or she thought she did.
Shauna spent the summer scooping ice cream on Main Street (making her arms almost as buff as her soccer-toned legs), while Jackie spent the summer complaining that Shauna decided to work instead of coming on Jackie’s three family vacations. And visiting Shauna in between all of them, of course.
When she went to the shop, Shauna always seemed like her usual self. She wore her hair in a ponytail just like she does during practice. She cut her hair in May, and it started to grow out by July so it was more than a spiky stub on her head. Jackie told her that, and it was a compliment, but Shauna gave her an offended look and ignored her for “paying customers”. What a joke.
But otherwise Shauna was grumpy and complained about her boss and gave Jackie a shit ton of free ice cream, which is exactly what she expected from her.
Jackie’s last vacation was a month-long trip around Europe, so she cried dramatically at being separated in the beginning of August while Shauna rolled her eyes but totally looked a little bit upset, too.
“We won’t even be able to call!” Jackie wailed while grabbing Shauna’s shoulders across the counter. “I don’t know how international calling works, and I’m going to be in a new city every day!”
“You have such a hard life, Jax.” Shauna handed a little boy a mint chocolate chip cone with a smile. It was so sweet to watch how his small hands grabbed it from hers, and how he grinned right back, that Jackie was distracted for a second just watching how Shauna’s eyes looked really pretty in the sunlight as they squinted into her smile before she brings herself back to the big, massive problem at hand.
“I’m serious, we’ve never been apart this long.” Jackie squeezed Shauna’s shoulders. “What if you forget all about me? What if we stop being friends?”
Shauna’s smile fell for a split second. Probably because the boy turned away. “It’s only a month. It’s going to be okay.”
That reassurance and the long hug that came after it was all that Jackie needed. She zipped off to Europe and had a great time smiling for photos with her mom in Madrid, Paris, Amsterdam, Copenhagen…you name it, she went there. Then she had a less fun time begging her mom to give her pocket money to print out all the photos at the store so she could show Shauna everything she did, but she got what she wanted in the end.
She planned to see Shauna as soon as she landed instead of going to the photo shop, but her mom scheduled their flight to arrive the day before classes began, and Shauna has some ritual for the first day of school that Jackie gave up on trying to curb years ago. So she hovers while the guy behind the counter takes forever getting the photos ready.
“Are they done?” she asks, crossing her arms and tapping her foot like her mom does when she’s trying to say get on with it already, but he keeps inspecting the photos like a weirdo.
“Uh huh, almost,” he says, and Jackie gets a look over the counter and realizes he’s looking at the photo of her in a bikini on the beach in Malta. She clears her throat extra loud until he shuffles all the pictures into an envelope, and she leaves without saying thank you.
She looks great in the photo, but it’s for Shauna to look at. Not annoying college aged boys.
The next morning, Jackie gets dressed in her jean skirt that’s just the right length and a shirt cute enough everyone will compliment without being so short that teachers will give her the side eye. She spends thirty minutes blowing out her hair and another half an hour on her makeup, and by the end she looks in the mirror and frowns.
Her eyelashes look uneven. She should redo her mascara. But just as she reaches for the makeup remover, a horn blares outside, and she curses at the time on her alarm clock.
She grabs the envelope and her backpack and runs down the stairs.
“Slow down!” her mom yells.
“Sorry!” Jackie throws the door open and catapults down the steps, already shrieking, “Shipman!”
Shauna watches from the driver’s seat, stashing her journal in the back. She’s always so focused on that damn thing. Jackie’s never gotten a peek inside, and she clenches the envelope harder, because what if Shauna puts the pictures in it? What would she write about them? The idea of it makes her stomach flip as she shoves herself into the passenger seat and throws her arm around her.
“I missed you so much,” she declares. She sinks into the hug probably for too long considering they’re late for school, but whatever! It’s been a month apart, she deserves to hug her best friend. All of the stress and thoughts about eyelashes are gone. “And I have so much to tell y–” She pulls back and frowns. Then she tugs Shauna’s face into her hands, cradling her cheeks in her palms, which feels so nice and right but that’s not the point because, “You cut your hair again.”
“Yeah,” Shauna says shortly, starting the car.
“It was so nice long.”
“I like it better shorter.”
“Oh.” Jackie inspects it. It’s only slightly shorter than the chop in May, nowhere near her bob in freshman year, and it looks good. But, honestly, usually when Jackie says she likes something on Shauna, she keeps doing it. She wears the red flannel Jackie complimented once to death, and always defers to the outfits Jackie chooses at parties, even if she gives her shit for it. “Cool.”
Shauna nods as her hands flex on the steering wheel. Jackie's eyes catch on them.
“Holy shit, you look like Nat.” Jackie grabs one of Shauna’s hands, even though Shauna protests “the wheel!”, and inspects each of the new, thick rings. “What the hell?”
“It’s not a big deal.” Shauna rips her hand back. “You wear rings sometimes.”
“True,” Jackie agrees. Dainty, small ones, gold like her heart necklace. “But you don’t.”
“I do now.”
“Clearly.” Jackie laughs, because Shauna’s clearly in a mood, but it doesn’t help. She still glowers at the road. Pivoting, she tries, “They look nice.”
Shauna glances at her, and Jackie can actually see her defrost with how her shoulders drop and eyebrows loosen. “Thank you.”
“Yeah.” She clears her throat. “Anyway, I printed out all these photos in case you want to look.” She waves the envelope in front of Shauna’s face, but Shauna doesn’t flinch from the road.
“You can just tell me about it,” she says. She doesn’t look at Jackie. She hasn’t looked at Jackie this whole conversation, actually. What is happening?
They pull into the parking lot before she can say anything, and Jackie internally groans when she realizes Jeff is already waiting while Shauna parks. “Great.”
Shauna gives her a look but doesn’t comment. They get out of the car together, but Jeff beelines towards Jackie, snatching her hand so tight it hurts.
“You could’ve told me you were going to Europe!”
“Oh.” Right. That might have slipped Jackie’s mind.
“Seriously, I had to find out from Shauna. What the fuck?”
“I’m sorry.” Jackie glances at Shauna, but she’s scanning the parking lot. Why? For who? Nat? Jackie’s eyes lock once again on Shauna’s fingers until Jeff squeezes hers and she turns back to him with a stiff smile.
“Here,” she says, handing him the envelope. Shauna turns back to them, jaw clenched. Whatever, if she doesn’t want the photos, she’ll give them to someone who does. “I printed all of my photos in Europe for you.”
Liar, Shauna’s eyes seem to say, but Jackie doesn’t let her smile falter. She never told her that it was for Shauna, anyway, she just said they could look at them together. She can’t prove anything.
Jeff takes the envelope and lets a few of the photos fall into his hand. He sifts through them, smiles, and nods. “Alright.”
“Great.” Then he tugs her before she can realize it’s happening, away from Shauna. But she’s already back to looking at all the other arriving students.
“Shauna!” Jackie calls as she goes. Shauna’s gaze snaps back to her. “I’ll see you at lunch!”
Shauna gives her a smile—or is it a grimace?—and waves goodbye.
Jackie was so excited to get back to Wiskayok, but she forgot how boring school is. She and Shauna don’t share any classes because Shauna signed up for AP courses without telling her at the end of last year. Jackie’s not stupid or anything, she’s in all honors, but maybe she could’ve pushed herself into an AP or two if she knew that was Shauna’s entire schedule.
Travis Martinez glares at her throughout all of English like it’s her fault they ended up in the same class and have had a few awkward encounters at away games, mainly including the other girls making fun of him while Jackie says nothing. It’s all in good fun, he should understand. Feminism says they’re allowed to make fun of the only guy on their trip. She picks her battles and chooses to fight them on being a little nicer to Misty.
She and Lottie spend the entire French class gossipping in English while faking a French accent unsuccessfully. Then she’s separated from everyone in calculus and ends up sitting with some girls she talks to at parties and likes well enough until they wrinkle their noses at her being on the soccer team. It’s fine, she can deal with them.
She can’t get into the cafeteria fast enough. Her usual table with Jeff and the other baseball players and girlfriends has a seat calling her name (and one right next to it calling Shauna’s). She has a new Lilly Pulitzer lunchbox that Kiffy is going to lose her mind over.
Jackie’s decent in class, but this is where she really thrives.
She takes her usual place right in the middle of the table, the perfect spot the eavesdrop on every conversation. Kiffy appears a second later, predictably fawning over the lunchbox, and also that she heard from Jeff about Jackie’s European adventures and needs to hear everything. And Jackie obliges, going into the epic and completely unembellished tale of when her wallet got pitpocketed in Paris and she had to chase the guy up the Eiffel Tower. Kiffy’s never been to Paris, she won’t know any better.
It’s only ten minutes into the conversation that Jackie realizes the seat next to her is still empty. No one bothers trying to sit there. Jeff’s already taken her left, and obviously Shauna will take the right, except she hasn’t.
“Have you seen Shauna?” Jackie asks Kiffy.
“Huh? Oh, she’s sitting with some of the juniors.” Kiffy points, and sure enough, Shauna’s a few tables away. Her eyes find Jackie’s instantly, like she was waiting for her to notice, before dipping down. “I waved her over, too. So weird.”
“Yeah, weird.” Jackie inspects the table. She recognizes a few of the girls. Gen and Akilah will probably end up on varsity soccer this year unless some freshman blows it out of the park. Melissa, the one next to Shauna, probably won’t, since Tai and Shauna are set as midfielders. The rest of the girls don’t play soccer.
She spends the rest of lunch watching Shauna from the corner of her eye. She keeps smiling, especially when Melissa talks. She laughs at something Gen says, and Melissa bumps her shoulder. What the fuck? Why would she do that? She tries to ask with her eyes, but Shauna hasn’t looked back at her since Jackie first noticed her.
“I liked the photos,” Jeff says into her ear. “Especially the ones on the beach.”
Jackie turns to him, fake smiling. “Thanks, babe.”
Shauna hates when they call each other that. Jackie caught her fake gagging over it a few times and had to shove her elbow into her ribs to get her to stop. She looks back at Shauna’s new table, but she’s nodding to something Melissa’s saying, completely oblivious.
Okay, she entered some strange portal on the way back from Europe. Because why would Shauna, who knows they’re inseparable, that the running joke is that she and Jackie got glued together at kindergarten craft lessons, do this? Abandon Jackie? Want to hang out with anyone else?
The bell rings, and Jackie launches herself up and towards Shauna, but she’s too quick. She’s always been the fastest on the team, which Jackie usually sees as a source of pride, but now she hates her for it.
The rest of school passes, but Jackie doesn’t retain anything from her classes. All she can think about is Shauna, what she’s doing, if she’s sharing classes with her new friends since juniors can take APs with seniors, if that’s why she’s left Jackie, because she thinks she’s too smart for her. If she’ll even drive her home today.
She sprints out of history to the parking lot and sighs in relief when her car is still in the same spot it was that morning. Jackie sprints for it, already running around to shotgun, and then stops short at the hood.
Because Melissa, JV Melissa, Melissa who wears baseball caps indoors, is in that seat. Jackie’s seat.
“What the fuck?” Jackie spits, which she actually didn’t mean to say out loud, but she doesn’t take it back, because what the fuck?
Shauna rolls down her window, and she would seem composed to anyone but Jackie. She says casually, “Just sit in the back,” but Jackie can see how her eyes flicker between her and Melissa, and her fingers tap against the wheel.
Jackie huffs. “I was gone for a month and you replaced me with a junior?”
Melissa looks at Shauna. When she doesn’t respond, she says, “I’m Melissa.”
“I know,” Jackie mutters. She slams the door behind her shut. “I’m Jackie.”
“I know,” Melissa says.
“Perfect.”
“Let’s just go,” Shauna sighs, starting the car. “I thought Jeff might drive you home, Jackie.”
“When has he ever done that? We always spend the first day of school together.”
Shauna can’t say anything back to that, because it’s the truth, and she knows it, because her mouth stays shut. Unfortunately, Melissa and Jackie don’t have anything to say either, so it’s just Liz Phair playing softly through the stereo.
Jackie should be switching out the discs right now. Melissa doesn’t seem to mind the music, and yeah, Liz Phair isn’t the worst of Shauna’s taste, but it’s not the best, either. Shauna needs to hear it from someone, and that someone should obviously be Jackie, but she can’t make her point when she can’t actually change the song.
Jackie glares out the window until her eyes widen. She taps Shauna’s shoulder. “Shipman, you made a wrong turn.”
“No I didn’t,” she says. “I’m dropping you off.”
“No,” Jackie says. “We’re hanging out at yours.”
“I can’t. Melissa and I have work.”
“You still work at that shithole?”
“Yeah, I do. My mom doesn’t just give me money whenever she feels like it.” Jackie’s hand clenches on the door of the car. She doesn’t want to talk about their moms in front of Melissa. Shauna knows all of the things her mom says about what Jackie eats and does and spends, and she’s the only one who ever will. Unless she’s already spilled all of Jackie’s secrets to her new best friend.
Shauna parks on the curb by Jackie’s house, same as where she was that morning before Jackie felt like she was sick. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jackie would fight. But she can’t with another person in the car, and if it’s true and Shauna really does have work, there’s no point anyway. She was always strictly on time to her shifts, even with Jackie would try and nudge her into watching one more episode of Full House reruns.
“Bye,” she says, as tightly as she can. Shauna doesn’t even wait for her to get into her house before speeding off.
The same thing happens that entire week. Shauna will drive Jackie to school and she’ll have some hope that it’s just them again, but she still eats lunch with the juniors, and Melissa always joins them in the car.
On Friday, Jackie makes an excuse to get out of history early. She waits against Shauna’s car as she watches people slowly emerge from school, until she spots flannel and dark hair. And Melissa is nowhere to be found, so at least they must not have their final class together.
Shauna approaches cautiously, like Jackie’s a wild animal she’s worried will attack. “Hey.”
“Hey. Are you working today?”
Shauna hesitates, then nods.
Jackie’s eyes narrow. “Really? You’re such a shitty liar.”
“Okay, I’m not working.” Shauna leans against the car, too, close enough that their knees touch. Jackie leans into it. It’s been so weird, being near Shauna but not actually together. She misses being stuck to her side. “But I have plans.”
“With Melissa?” The venom in her voice is justified, but Shauna doesn’t seem to agree.
“Don’t be like that.”
“Like what? I haven’t seen you in forever, and you’re all weird and distant and hanging around girls way younger than us—”
“She’s six months younger than me!”
“Whatever! I’m your best friend, we’re supposed to hang out!”
“Maybe you should’ve asked!” Shauna blinks slowly as the words come out, like she didn’t think she’d actually say them, but she continues with a shake of her head. “You haven’t asked me once what my work schedule is, or when I’m free. You just expect me to shove you into my life like always.”
“Seriously?” Jackie tries to sound authoritative, but even she can hear the hurt in her voice. She spent so much time fantasizing about reuniting with Shauna she forgot how much of a bitch she can be. “You shove me into your life?”
“No…” Shauna shakes her head. “I—Jackie, come on, I didn’t mean it like that. I just have more going on this year with my job and AP classes—”
“And Melissa,” Jackie finishes.
Shauna hesitates, then nods. “Yeah. Because we work together.”
But Melissa’s coming down to meet them at the car, and Shauna just said they don’t have work today. Jackie glares at the two of them to make her point and moves off of Shauna’s car.
“I’m gonna ask Jeff for a ride,” she says.
Shauna’s eyes flicker, and Jackie waits for her to say something. But a moment later she nods and says, “Okay.”
Jackie regrets going with Jeff in the end, because he begs her for a blowjob. It worsens her already terrible mood.
Later, she lays in her bed, staring at her ceiling, and doesn’t let tears prick her eyes. So what if every Friday night before this she and Shauna are on this bed giggling and doing each other’s nails while catching each other up on everything that went down at school that they already knew, because they saw all of it together, anyway.
She’s fine. This is exactly how she pictured her senior year.
Kiffy invited her to her house that night, so she gets ready through the motions. She plays Spice Girls to cheer herself up but it doesn’t help, so she has to put on “Shoop” and pretend she’s about to play a soccer game. It’s the same concept, in a way. She’s going to win this party the way she does games.
She arrives and drinks and smokes a little and hangs onto Jeff’s arms and ignores his unsubtle requests to find somewhere upstairs to hook up. They dance together and she can pretend she likes him for a bit because between the alcohol and the music she’s feeling good, but then she notices the shirt he’s wearing is tangentially similar to one Shauna owns and feels even better and much worse at the same time.
He drops her off after shoving his tongue down her throat for the second time that day and she stops it at least this time before he slips his hand up her skirt. And then she’s back to staring at her ceiling like none if it ever happened at all.
The next week, Jackie has a plan.
On Sunday, she calls Shauna, but immediately there’s a roadblock.
“Hello?” Mrs. Shipman says, and Jackie internally groans.
“Hi, it’s Jackie!” she replies, putting pep in her voice. “Is Shauna there?”
“She’s not. She’s at work, I think.” Jackie glances at her clock. At 10:30 on a Sunday? Yeah, right. “I can tell her you called.”
“Yes, please.”
“Alright.” She hangs up the phone without any other questions.
Jackie spends the rest of the night waiting for her phone to ring. There’s virtually no homework in the first week of school, and if she starts kicking the ball against the garage at this hour her mom will flip out, so she decides to focus on organizing her nail polish colors.
She’s moved onto digging all of her hair bows from pep rallies and games out from the crevices of her closet when the phone finally rings. She glances at the clock. 11:45.
She lets it ring for three seconds before picking up.
“Jackie?” Shauna asks, her voice so near Jackie can picture her lips right against the receiver.
“Hi. What’s your work schedule this week?” She has way more yellow bows than blue ones. She should fix that.
“Oh. Uh, Tuesday, Thursday from school till close.”
“When do you close?”
“9:30.”
Jackie doesn’t know a lot about ice cream shops, but she doesn’t think it takes an hour to close, especially not a tiny one like the one Shauna works out. But she’s going to give her the benefit of the doubt this time. “Cool. So we can hang out tomorrow.”
“Uh…yeah.”
“Great!”
Shauna doesn’t say anything for a while, but Jackie refuses to be the first one to hang up, especially when it’s the first time they’ve really talked in days.
Eventually, Shauna says, “Anything else?”
“No. You asked me to ask, so I did.”
“Right.” There’s something skeptical in Shauna’s voice that makes Jackie roll her eyes. “Alright, am I picking you up tomorrow?”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“Because Jeff drove you home on Friday.”
“Pick me up,” Jackie says.
“So, how long have you and Melissa been working together?”
They’re both lounging on Shauna’s bed on Monday afternoon, Shauna’s AP Biology homework in front of her while Jackie pretends to read The Scarlet Letter.
“Since you were in Paris, I think.” Shauna frowns at a pair of Punnett squares. “You were good at bio, right?”
“No, I was good at chem.”
“You should’ve taken it as an AP, then.”
“All of that flew out the window when I got chosen as captain. I’m already thinking about our formations.” Jackie closes the book. She got to page 10, that’s good enough. “I’m wondering if I should get one of those nerdy dioramas of all of us, to really visualize it.”
Shauna laughs. “Good luck convincing an art kid to do that.”
“I’d be able to.”
“Probably, yeah.”
They smile, and Shauna says, “the season’s not until spring. You have to lighten up.”
“Lighten up? This is soccer! It’s a big deal!” Jackie sighs, collapsing to lean against Shauna’s thigh. “Imagine if we got recruited for Rutgers.”
“I think we can aim higher than that.”
“Rutgers is the plan, though.” Jackie feels Shauna’s thigh tense and glances at her. She’s chewing her lip, and Jackie lets herself notice how they turn redder each time her teeth dig into them before saying, “Are the rings because of her, then?”
“Huh?”
Jackie latches onto Shauna’s hand and plucks at one of the bands on her fingers. “Melissa.”
Shauna shakes her head. “No. I like them. Nat gifted me one when I gave her free ice cream, and I just kept getting them.”
“Look what a real salary does to you. I have to beg you to go shopping with me.”
“I work minimum wage, Jackie,” Shauna says, but she’s laughing.
“I bet you can start paying for all of our post-practice French fries now.”
“You’re paying for your own fries, loser.” She nudges Jackie with her leg.
“Alright, alright.” Jackie grins up at her. “I can’t wait to live together in college. Everyday will feel like this.”
Shauna flushes and looks away.
It’s better after that. Jackie calls Shauna every Sunday for a month straight asking for her work schedule, and Shauna gives it mostly willingly. Melissa gets the message and realizes that Shauna is Jackie’s when she’s not scheduled and isn’t in the car unless she needs a ride to her shift.
But sometimes Shauna will say Jackie can’t come over right after school or she needs to leave Jackie’s house early, and she doesn’t have an explanation. Well, she has explanations, but they’re all bullshit, like that her mom wants to spend quality time together or she agreed to pick up Mari’s little brother from afterschool.
“Mari has a car,” Jackie calls after her as she runs out of one of their study sessions. It’s devolved more into Jackie planning a trip to the mall, but that’s how they usually go, anyway.
“It’s in the shop,” Shauna explains, tugging on her Converse.
“I literally saw her speed out of the parking lot this afternoon.” Jackie stares her down.“Just tell me where you’re actually going.”
Shauna tugs her laces extra tight and keeps her gaze on her shoes as she walks out the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Try to be on time in the morning.”
“Try getting a better poker face.”
Shauna rolls her eyes and slams Jackie’s door. Jackie hears a yelp and “careful!” from her mom and sighs. She peers out her window to watch Shauna get into her car.
Shauna pauses and presses her head to the wheel for a few seconds before putting the keys into the ignition. Then she drives in the opposite direction of the elementary school.
Jackie doesn’t get it. Shauna knows that she knows she’s lying. Jackie calls her out on it every time. It would be easier for her to confess, but she refuses.
Spending time with other people sucks for Jackie, but there’s nothing actually wrong with it, other than that it’s a complete betrayal of their friendship. Jackie doesn’t think that’s it, though. There’s something else eating at Shauna’s mind. Maybe she’s selling drugs and doesn’t want to tell Jackie, or she’s doing them, or…there just has to be something bigger going on than Shauna getting sick of her.
Lottie grins at her during French class in October.
“J'organise une fête,” she says, slowly, like she picked the words straight from the French-English dictionary. “Tu devrais venir.”
Jackie may suck at French, but she knows the word for party in any language. “Hell yeah.”
“No English, Jackie,” Madame Martin scolds. Her name sounds like a cough with her accent, but Jackie refuses to let her call her Jacqueline.
“Je suis désolé.”
The minute their teacher turns her back, Jackie whispers, “Who else is invited?”
“The whole team, plus a few other people.” A few other people in Lottie terms means basically the whole school will be there. Jackie nods eagerly.
She brings it up the next time she and Shauna are in the car. Melissa’s gone that day, thankfully.
“Lottie’s having a party on Friday,” she says. “We’re going.”
Shauna drums her hand against the wheel as they wait in the line to exit the parking lot. “Yeah, okay.”
“Really?” Jackie grabs onto her arm, and yeah, the ice cream muscles have continued to build. She squeezes it one more time, just to feel them, which is totally normal. “You never agree that quickly.”
“It sounds fun.”
“It does.” Jackie bats her eyelashes. “You know what’s more fun? Getting ready together. At your house.”
They finally make it onto the road. The car bounces a little at the shift and Jackie squeezes Shauna’s arm again, for balance.
“Okay,” Shauna agrees.
“Yay!” Jackie squeals, and she forgets about all of her confusion about Shauna, because this is right. This is how it always goes and always will.
Friday arrives and Shauna drives the two of them to her house. Jackie runs out of the car and up to the attic, Shauna just behind her, so close her breath gives Jackie goosebumps on the back of her neck.
She’s so giddy. They drink the shitty beer Kiffy’s brother bought for them that Shauna keeps under her bed even though her mom probably wouldn’t bat an eye at them drinking in the living room. Jackie does Shauna’s nails and then Shauna does hers back. She’s actually better than Jackie because her hand’s a lot lighter with it, but Jackie doesn’t tell her that. Shauna chooses black which goes with her new goth/punk/what’s the difference vibe and Jackie chooses pink because duh.
The sun finally sets and this is Jackie’s favorite part. Shauna first tries on a shirt and flannel, which is quickly vetoed. Then it’s a blue button down and jeans, also denied.
“Just wear the dress,” Jackie says.
“I don’t have any dresses.”
“Yes, you do. The red one. The boob dress.”
“Don’t call it that.” Shauna crosses her arms over her chest, probably self-consciously, but she’s only in a bra so all it does is emphasize the exact same thing the dress does, and Jackie sort of blacks out and doesn’t hear what Shauna’s saying until the tail end when she goes, “--Wear what I want, which is this.”
Then she pulls back on the button up and jeans, and Jackie’s brain suddenly feels fried so she just nods.
Jeff drives them, which is great because they’re already stumbling out the door. Shauna gets into the backseat and Jackie mindlessly follows until she hears Jeff calling her name and remembers where she’s supposed to be and rides shotgun. She keeps glancing at Shauna in the backseat and how she’s opened the window enough to poke her head out. Her hair flows behind her like she’s in a movie, even with its new length.
“Randy’s been asking about you, Shauna,” Jeff says through the silence.
“Cool.” Shauna doesn’t even look at him.
There’s more silence, and then Jeff tries again. “He’ll be there tonight.”
“Everyone will be there.” Shauna stomps out of the car with that as soon as it’s parked. Jeff stares after her in confusion, and even though Jackie’s bewildered too, she rushes out and right after her.
“Shauna!” She enters the house, and there’s already so many people there. Nat’s in the corner with her friends, Mari’s giggling with a group of girls, and countless other bodies slam into Jackie as she pushes through. “Shauna!”
This never happens. Jackie and Shauna are always within eyesight of each other, and if they’re not, it’s because Shauna’s in a fight or Jackie accidentally got dragged into a conversation. Or both. They always know where the other is, though, they can always find each other within a second.
Jackie raises onto her tiptoes, but there’s no sign of Shauna, and someone else is grabbing her.
“Hey,” Jeff says into her ear. “Let’s get drinks.”
Jackie wants to tell him no, because Shauna’s gone and this is a big deal because she thought things were normal between them again but it seems like everytime she thinks that something weird happens that Jackie would have never dreamed possible a year ago. But instead she nods and lets Jeff lead them to the table.
He makes her a mix of vodka and whatever fancy juice Lottie’s put out on the table. He’s a bad kisser but at least he knows what type of alcohol she likes. Jackie keeps looking out at the crowd, but there’s no sign of Shuana’s dark hair or blue shirt.
While Jackie sips anxiously on her drink, in the living room once again, Lottie slides next to her.
“Hey.” She pulls her into a warm hug, and Jackie tries to settle herself with it, but it doesn’t work the same way hugs with Shauna do. “Having fun?”
“Yeah,” Jackie lies. “Have you seen Shauna?”
Something passes over Lottie’s face that Jackie can’t identify. “Yeah, I think she was in the second floor bathroom.”
“Thanks.” Jackie drains her cup and presses into Jeff’s hands. “Could you get me another one?”
Jeff turns to do just that, and Jackie moves towards the staircase. Generally it’s off-limits, but Lottie cares less about people she knows going up. They’ve all slept over at her house before, and the team probably knows her home better than her parents with how little they’re there.
The first bathroom on the floor is open. All of the bedrooms are firmly shut, but across from the one Jackie knows is Lottie’s, a light is on under a closed door. It’s a bathroom, so it must be where Shauna is.
Jackie opens the door without thinking. Why would she? She and Shauna have seen each other through anything, nothing going on in there should shock her.
Except it does. Because Shauna has Melissa pressed up against the bathroom counter and is kissing her hard. Like, she looks like she’s about to bruise her mouth, and is pressed so close to her that the corner of the counter digs into Melissa’s back in a way that can’t be comfortable. Melissa’s hat is off, which is the first time Jackie’s seen her hair, and Shauna’s tugging at it, and even that is harsh. But Melissa’s really into it if the noises coming at Jackie mean anything, until they finally realize the door’s open and jump apart.
“Jackie,” Melissa squeaks, rubbing her mouth and fumbling to put her hat back on her head. “Hi!”
She moves herself slowly, shuffling to the side so she’s no longer under Shauna, but Jackie doesn’t notice it much because she’s focused on how Shauna’s eyes are wide and her shirt is unbuttoned all the way and she’s shrinking away from Jackie.
And Jackie feels sick. She’s going to have to throw up in the toilet, because the longer she remembers that image of them making out the more nausea builds up in her body.
None of them say anything for a while, until Melissa mumbles, “I’m gonna go,” and basically sprints out of the bathroom so it’s just Jackie and Shauna left. Shauna takes a big, shuddering breath and looks in the mirror, fixing her hair, which is also messed up and Jackie wishes she didn’t know that, and buttoning her shirt. Her fingers keep fumbling with them, though.
Some instinct comes over Jackie, to help Shauna, to make sure she looks good, to touch her, whatever, but she’s knocked out of her stupor and says “here,” and buttons Shauna’s shirt for her, fingers brushing the bare skin beneath it each time in a way that makes her feel electrocuted.
Shauna doesn’t look at her, she’s still looking in the mirror, watching them. So Jackie speaks. She says, “I guess I know why you’ve been running off now. You have a girlfriend.” And if her voice sounds sharp and not at all like how it usually is, it’s fine.
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Fine, your fuckbuddy. Does that sound better, Shauna?”
Shauna pushes her away, doing the last button. “Fuck you.”
Jackie almost says it right back, but Shauna’s gone, and it’s just as she leaves that Jackie realizes she’s crying. She tries to catch up to her, to apologize or ask questions or just do something, but Shauna’s disappeared again. So she decides to duck into the bathroom and locks the door, something Shauna and Melissa clearly weren’t aware was possible.
Jackie assesses herself in the mirror. Her eyes look bloodshot like Shauna’s and she can see tears threatening to spill over. Nothing has gone the way she wanted today. And she has to lift her hands from the counter because all she can think about is how Melissa was pushed against it.
Is she homophobic? She never saw herself that way, nothing like how her parents make comments when any news about gay people shows up on TV. She doesn’t care that she caught Tai and Van kissing after practice at the end of last season.
No, she’s not homophobic. Because what she is really thinking about, no matter how much she tries to suppress it, is that she and Shauna were doing the same thing a month before junior year ended. They found a bathroom just like this one, and it was Shauna against the counter while Jackie pressed her lips against hers. Jackie was the one who pulled Shauna’s shirt open and crawled her hands over her bare stomach.
Shauna’s found someone to replace Jackie in every way—someone to sit with at lunch, someone to hang out with after school, and someone to kiss.
And Jackie wants to do all of that with Shauna.
Jeff’s supposed to drive both Jackie and Shauna home, but Jackie spots Shauna running into Tai’s car before she can even bring up leaving together.
It’s alright. Jackie needs to be alone anyway to plan. She pulls a piece of paper from her calc notebook, since she doesn’t have a journal like Shauna, and writes all the facts down.
-Shauna and Melissa were kissing
-I didn’t like it
-I liked kissing Shauna
-We haven’t talked about it since it happened
-We can talk about it
-She probably doesn’t want to if she didn’t bring it up
-She never brings up things first anyway
-I’m going to have to talk to her.
So Jackie gives Shauna Saturday to calm down, because she knows her and doesn’t want their conversation to turn into a screaming match, and then calls her on Sunday at 10am.
The phone rings for one second before it’s picked up. Jackie knows it’s Shauna before she even speaks. “Hello?”
“Can I come over?”
There’s a long hesitation. Jackie chews at her thumbnail, until Shauna mumbles, “Yeah.”
“See you in twenty.” That’s how long it takes for Jackie to walk to Shauna’s house if she speed walks. She has a feeling she’ll be speed walking with all the energy inside of her body.
She doesn’t bother changing out of her sweatpants and sweatshirt, but as she walks down the stairs her mom corners her.
“Where are you going?” she asks, the dressed like that part unsaid.
“Shauna’s.”
“Be back for dinner.” Her mom lets her go after Jackie nods, but she can feel her gaze on her even as she walks down the street, all the way until she’s out of view from the house. As soon as she turns onto the next street, she breathes easier, and the closer she gets to Shauna’s, the more her heart picks up. Whether in anxiety or excitement or both, she can’t tell.
Jackie lets herself in. Mrs. Shipman’s car isn’t in the driveway, and she has a feeling Shauna will delay getting the door as long as possible. Then she sprints up the stairs, letting herself be known.
She learned her lesson, though, and knocks before entering Shauna’s room.
“I’m here,” Shauna says, and Jackie creaks the door open. She’s laying on her bed, journal clearly just closed, and still wearing her pajamas. Jackie walks over and sits next to her on the bed, even as Shauna stiffens.
“What did you want to talk about?” Shauna asks, sitting up.
What a stupid question, which is unlike Shauna. “What do you think?”
Shauna moves to put her journal on her desk, or maybe just to put her back to Jackie. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“We have to.”
“No we don’t.” Shauna sighs, sitting back on the bed and combing through her hair. “Melissa’s done with me anyway. You scared the fuck out of her.”
“What? She broke up with you?”
“We weren’t actually together, Jackie.”
“You seemed togeth–”
“Stop!” The sharpness in Shauna’s voice makes Jackie flinch, and Shauna immediately softens. “Just…look, it’s fine, okay? It wasn’t anything serious and I think Melissa forgot that we could be caught for a while, and you reminded her.”
Jackie hesitates, studying Shauna’s face and how her eyes keep looking everywhere but Jackie. She takes her hand, carefully. Her new rings are gone, all across her desk where the mirror covered in photos of her and Jackie sits. Jackie squeezes their palms together. “So you’re not upset?”
Shauna shakes her head, and Jackie smiles. Okay, this is good. If Shauna’s not heartbroken, she can talk about them without being a total asshole.
“She was kind of boring, honestly,” Shauna admits. She finally looks at Jackie. “It’s fine.”
“Alright.” Jackie uses their intertwined hands to pull Shauna into a hug, ducking her chin onto her shoulder and breathing in her shampoo. It makes her hair smell like the forest. Now it’s time for the next part of her plan. “I wasn’t…it’s fine that you—”
Jeez, the words are a lot harder than she thought they’d be. Shauna’a stilled, still embracing her.
“I don’t care that you guys were doing that,” Jackie ends up saying, which isn’t the truth. She does care because the idea of Melissa kissing Shauna again makes her want to chuck a soccer ball at their heads, but she doesn’t care that they were two girls doing it. She tries again, “It’s fine.”
The words still aren’t working. Why can’t she just say what she means, that she wants to kiss Shauna? She pulls them out of the hug and stares at her, and Shauna stares right back, eyebrows drawn together and mouth open slightly like she wants to ask a question but she’s not sure what it is.
Jackie’s eyes stay fixed on Shauna’s mouth. They’ve done this before, it’s probably safe to try it again.
She leans forward, giving it one second, then two, and she feels like she’s going to die if Shauna doesn’t do something. Their lips are less than an inch apart and Shauna’s smell really nice like she put on cherry Chapstick or lip gloss right before Jackie came, and Jackie hopes that she did in some small desire for this to happen. A spiral of want pools in her and keeps twisting and twisting the longer Shauna stares at Jackie like she’s not real.
And then the distance breaks, and Shauna surges forward.
The last time they did this they were somewhere between tipsy and drunk, but Jackie still remembers every detail of how Shauna pushed against her and grabbed her neck, and all of that happens again and more. And maybe Jackie is a little grateful to Melissa, because she thinks all of the stupid awful practice Shauna’s been getting with her taught her to graze her teeth on Jackie’s lip in a way that makes her need to grab Shauna’s waist and hold on so tight she must leave indents in her skin.
They topple over, and even though Shauna was on top of Melissa in the bathroom, she doesn’t protest when Jackie presses her into the mattress and slides one of her hands to pull her pajama shirt up and place her hand over Shauna’s stomach.
Shauna gasps, breaking away. “You’re cold.”
“Warm me up.”
Shauna snorts, which should break the mood but only makes Jackie lean in and kiss her harder until Shauna has to break away and say quickly, in fear of never finishing her sentence, “You’re a dork.”
Jackie doesn’t respond, but she keeps kissing her and sliding her hand up, and Shauna’s not wearing a bra, which is really, really great and Shauna seems to agree, because she has a hard time kissing Jackie back and instead just grins and lets out small breaths of approval and mumbles "I can't believe this is happening" until Jackie moves her hand back down to hold hers.
Jackie doesn’t know how long they stayed like that, but it’s not important because in the second or minute or hour they stayed like that, she does know that Shauna kissed down Jackie’s throat and she let Jackie move her leg between hers and they ended up laying next to each other after and Jackie felt the most perfect she’s felt since returning to Wiskayok, or maybe ever.
“What about Jeff?” Shauna eventually says as the sun starts to dip lower in the sky.
It totally ruins the moment of Jackie lazily kissing across her collarbone. She glares up at her. “That’s what you’re thinking about?”
“No.” Shauna looks at her. “But Melissa and I are done. And we did this. But you’re still with Jeff.”
“He doesn’t matter.”
“He’s your boyfriend.”
“So what, you want me to break up with him?”
Shauna sits up, which Jackie hates because it puts her out of her mouth’s way. “Well, do you want to?”
Yes. Jackie’s never felt the way she does about Shauna about Jeff for a second. But she and Jeff break up all the time, and they always end up together again, because it’s easier. They’re more popular together than apart, and it’s just the way things always go.
So Jackie settles for “maybe,” which Shauna is unimpressed by.
“So what, do you just want to be my fuckbuddy?”
Jackie’s nose wrinkles. “Ew!”
“You’re the one who said it first!”
“Ugh, no.” Jackie pulls Shauna back into her, even when she resists. “I want to date you." Not hide around like stupid Melissa, waiting for a chance to jump Shauna. "I’ll break up with him.”
“Really?” Shauna’s entire expression shifts into delight, her teeth showing in her smile and eyes shining. And if Jackie realized that’s how she’d react to her and Jeff being done, she would have broken up with him for good a long time ago.
“Yeah. I didn’t want to date him in college, anyway.”
Shauna dims slightly. “But you’ll see other people in college?”
“When did I say that? I just said I want to be with you.” She leads the two of them back to laying down, their faces close enough their noses touch, but not kissing. “I don’t know.” She pictures herself kissing anyone else, but it’s hard. Then the image morphs into something terrible, Shauna kissing someone else, and she grips her waist hard. “Would you?”
Shauna shrugs, and Jackie keeps picturing it, and she hates it so much she kisses Shauna right then. “Don’t.”
When she pulls away, Shauna blinks at her long and soft. “Okay.” She pauses, then says, “What if we both don’t get into Rutgers?”
Jackie laughs. “We will. They’d be stupid to reject either of us.”
“Okay, but what if,” Shauna insists. She grips Jackie’s sides too, and Jackie leans into the touch as much as possible. “What would happen?”
Jackie doesn’t want to think it over, because like she said, it’s an impossible reality. But she entertains it because the look Shauna has in her eyes is so serious and if it’s that important to her, Jackie will think about it. “I guess I’d visit you every week. And you’d have to visit me, too.”
“No matter where we are?”
“Duh.”
Shauna smiles. “And we’d still do this?”
“Obviously.”
Shauna nods, like that settled everything in her mind, and then she says, “And if we get caught?”
Jackie rolls her eyes. “I’ll make sure we lock any bathrooms we go into.”