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Lips sealed as he drank bitter alcohol – each drag had become routine, a damning evidence of his unraveled mental state.
His eyes tightened with each sip, dreading sleep while also desperately begging for it.
He knew once he'd crawl in bed his mind would intertwine to follow that boy’s curves – he'd uncover them with kisses, pace set by the others' needy hums as the bed cracked mad.
Clearly, kisses and (forgetful) touches hadn't worked – hence, strangers started to bore him, and he was sent spiraling on the dance floor.
Scattered across his wet lips was lipstick, smeared shamelessly – that image quickly got drowned out by his impelling thoughts.
No drink managed to still him – his mind accomplished that alone, working meticulously impatient throughout the evening forcing him breathless in his hotel room at which he had spent far too money in.
'Ray' a timeless thought that dreaded air – he had meant to resist, but undoubtedly failed and whispered under his breath that short but nonetheless harsh word as his face ploughed the pillow rubbing it stupid.
He dragged out the last syllable – a continuous moan silenced by the pillows feathers.
Any figment related to him – he dismayed, which inevitably led to worthless yearnings.
For a week they had been unable to meet: compatible with only his bed, he had been stuck there the mornings and throughout the night he'd repeat the endless cycle of going to clubs until his legs ceased work.
His stomach growled worry when instead of the delicious meals – that persistently used meet him, he had been delivered bitter rum.
Kissing had developed into an habit, unfortunately, it hadn't been with whom he would've preferred: his clenched eyes brooded his face, an abiding reminder he lacked his skin.
"Ray" he had whispered it like a prayer: that word hadn't been loud enough but it atleast managed to reach the brazilian night – a boundless sea loaded with soothing stars, he wondered if the other had noticed how the clouds brushed the sky on the night he laid awake thinking of him.
Unfortunately – and that realization came later – Ray wasn't aware of the mess that fought Tota's dreams. They hadn't been able to properly talk in days and it now dawned on him.
His overworked pillow molded a 'neck' by it's middle since it had been yanked restless each time his mind forced it's hold on Ray's body: he hugged it tightly deepening that curve – cramping its shape – the image of Ray's cold hands adventure carelessly became a violent threat to Tota's conscious.
Tota had forgot the last place he and Ray had been able to properly meet in, and that simple thought dug Tota's skin.
Like usual: his heart failed to accept that reckless desire – which drove him senseless into the night he was supposed to come back to the Clover house.
Brazil distracted him through partying, drinking till morning and starting all over by midnight: those nights hadn't fulfilled their job and the flushing ideas his head tortured him with hadn't ceased.
On the plane, he kept his eyes barred, pupils stuck on the effigy his mind conjured – he dreaded the moment it would be waiting at the front door. . . his strength would've left him and he'd beg not to proceed with streaming to rest countless hours in his arms just as he had dreamed (unbearably) in his confused mind
Ray's annoying antics would probably halt once the warmth tangled their limbs – covered by comfy blankets they'd playfully mingle.
Possibly – Tota imagined – his fingers would be allowed to trace each corner Ray's body had to offer.
Undoubtedly his vivid hopes hadn't ceased to simple caresses – unfairly, his mind delved him into an annoying promise: the chance he'd be able to unite beneath those covers along Ray.
His desperate desires hadn't been fulfilled – his fingers had grazed wrong skin, his lips had meet harsh ones and his eyes missed touching Ray's face.
To add on top: he was sitting among strangers, so each thought wasn't met with a relaxing thrust.
And now, stuck in a cab (after an 8 hour flight) It was highly difficult he'd manage to ease off – he had come to regret wearing shorts.
And he had come to regret his unfaithful mind – that had been traitor to the truth that was his sad reality.
“Totaa” dragged Punga once Tota’s cab brought him to the front porch “man, you look dead, how the plane treat you?”
If he had been more conscious, he would've laughed heatedly as their hands met and dabbed up 'welcome' unfortunately, reality dawned on him and made him wabble into a sloppy hug as he tapped Punga’s shoulder “I no sleep, ahh too much strea–”
“you no slcheep?” Tylil interrupted, face divided by a wide grin as he open armed walked towards Tota who barely managed to keep himself standing forcing Punga to lopsidedly carry him.
“No wayy, Tylil” greeted Tota legs dragging him curved “Missed you bro, get some sleep yeah?” Agreed Punga who happily shook his head along with Tylil's unexpectedly caring words.
Before Tota had an answer, his voice got cut off by Ray's own.
Tides felt as if they spoke once Ray walked down the stairs, forcing Tota's eyes suddenly open as he glazed over his gleeful grin
“Tota!” smirked Ray dabbing him up and chuckling as Tota failed the grip succesfully.
Knowingly, Ray pushed his headphones off and turned over: Tota would've mindlessly followed him if in 9 hours, he had been able to sleep – the case had been different, impelling Ray to point behind him “Lets start up next stream, no?” he said already backing towards his bedroom.
Tota bit his lip, perfectly aware his legs bashed him for even trying to take a step – eventually he let muscle memory take the rails and overcome the pain that gawked at each tissue.
What kept him steady moving foward was the addictive voice Ray whispered with – weirdly sultry, each syllable drove Tota nuts and he couldn't help but zone out with every sentence “Tota!” Called annoyed Ray who had now turned and tucked at the brazilian’s sweater, a confused glare surrounded his face forcing Tota to nod mindlessly into agreement.
“Totaaa," it was drawn out seductively – Tota had no energy to guess if that adjective was a figment of his imagination or what Ray had planned due to their playful nature.
Once headed inside, Ray was quick to throw on his bed whatever he had close, unconsciously stopping Tota from collapsing on it. He headed to his private bathroom, muttering with each step a complaint.
Stammering through the room was Tota, who sucessfully closed the door and kept himself composed untill he reached the bathroom's doorframe at which he leaned on, resting his head hazily, staring at Ray.
A soft hum stuck to his lips, as he hastily moved closer, hands firm on Ray's waist crawling around his stomach stopping once he felt the other quiver “Huh?” Ray said, brows furrowing slightly.
Tota let himself rest – slumber finally won, and without thinking too much about it, he ended up leaning across the other sleepily. “Tota dude–” called out annoyed Ray as he had been brushing his teeth. His cheeks flared irritated, toothpaste moisted his lip.
“Cmon, Rayy, sleep?” his gritted teeth didn't allow any other word to spill out keeping him quiet against the back of Ray's head for a few minutes.
“Fly.. 8 hours, and countless of, videoing, I'm tired bro please?” He became impatient waiting for Ray to give in the touch as he had infuriatingly hoped.
In his sloppy sentence he had failed to mention the careless nights, spent on trying to forget his doomed feelings he was – hidden in the bathroom, showcasing.
“Mh–Tota” the shorter complained once Tota's face rubbed against Ray's shoulder trying to win something out of this. “..you want cuddling?” whispered doubtful Ray – the line came out crooked as he still had his toothbrush between his lips, staring at the affectionate reflection in the mirror, glazing over Tota's short locks and blushing at the idea of deeper contact.
Selfishly, Ray stared unmovable, worried a harsh movement would shake Tota off, he remained still – breath secretly uneven as he felt Tota's fingers explore down his hips tracing idle circles that sent thrills down his spine.
Truth was, their bodies knew each other and this didn't come out as news, instead like an old lullaby that drove them to sleep "You said we'd stop–" he tried to reason, eyes glaring Tota's unstoppable fingers.
Involuntarily, his back arched across Tota letting a frustrated groan pile out quiet “Tota...” he called out yet again, trying to break Tota out of his sleepy daze.
"Door's locked." Tota reminded against his skin snuggling to the side of Ray's neck "...Give me a moment" answered quiet the shorter elbowing Tota off to brush his teeth.
Reluctantly the Brazilian agreed standing behind him waiting, rubbing his eyes while playing on his feet, swaying slowly.
Done, Ray turned over, leaning on the sink, back turned to the mirror as he stared at Tota who inched closer, hands ready to clasp his waist, but they got dragged off and chained together by Ray's own.
"Oh so you ghost me five days and now you want my dick back huh?" Ray had unfairly acted casual when he greeted him, only now he let himself be mean.
"Streaming and.. busy" Tota answered 'earnestly' trying to seem innocent "No dick just. Cuddles"
"No dick?" Ray added skeptical "Mhh, maybe dick later..." He quickly corrected himself "me boy you girl?" The shorter auggested "Myh, you girl, me boy." "Oh, obviously" Tota couldn't help but giggle at the sarcastic remark: he deepened his head against the curve of Ray's neck ignoring the impelling glare he was receiving "..Bitch" answered drained Ray who let himself fall victim ro Tota's hands.
"You can't even stand.." he reluctantly sighed gawking the malnourished form Tota carried
Ray shoved him off to detain his chin – he had felt the other creep kisses down his neck, which resulted in that immediate response.
His force (unfortunately) didn't last long as almost instinctively he dragged him to his bed, he walked backwards and laid carelessly, pushing off the things he had earlier delivered on his messed up blanket.
Tota who was hungrily kissing his neck ended up weightless against his shoulder burying himself restless "What–" commented Ray "You're actually tired?" "mh, i dick later..."
"Wasted all your energy on others.." Ray noted bitterly, resting on his elbows, Tota hauled his body, he lounged on all fours, eyes glazing over Ray's shirtless body "get off my dick" Tota joked against his chest groaning impatient "Let's cuddle."
Ray doubted Tota, nonetheless if cuddles meant getting his dick sucked, even if on a later date... he would stick by. (He childishly ignored the impeding feelings his heart ached for)
His hand tugged Tota closer breathing against his shoulder as they tightly held each other, his cheeks had grown warmer and his hips rocked hazily to shift into the right position.
The door was closed, so they could keep to themselves. Their bodies were lost when their fingers came in a chaste contact: surprise thrilled down his skin "for how long?" Ray asked neglecting his red cheeks.
His narrowed eyebrows curled confused when after a few seconds he wasn't met with an answer
He was torn between wishing goodnight and falling asleep quietly: it was the afternoon, the Clover house was in plain sight under the sun, and they were right under their active lenses, hidden brightly among lies.
. . .