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"Hey." James sauntered over to Regulus casually, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Regulus didn't startle, just looked over at him and gave him a soft grunt. Curled up in a ball and sat staring out the window, perched carefully in the windowsill,reminding James of a cat.
"Why aren't you in there?" James continued jerking his head towards Regulus' common room door, because Slytherin had just won against Gryffindor and Regulus should've been celebrating, he had caught the winning snitch after all.
"Not big on parties," Regulus huffed out in response, thinking the only way James would leave was with an answer, "not big on people either so piss off Potter."
Regulus' words had that edge again, he must've been tired or irritated maybe. He hadn't spoken to James like that in a long time, not that James minded, he was just happy they were talking, they hadn't had the chance recently.
"You know I heard this saying once, when I was on holiday with my family, in the summer." James over explained nervously, shifting from side to side nervously.
Regulus didn't look, didn't even turn his head. James should've stopped but he couldn't help himself, it was late into winter and the sun was still setting early. The moon painted Regulus' skin wonderful shades of silver. He was beautiful.
"Is it better to speak or to die?" James quoted, and Regulus turned to face him, tilting his head curiously at James.
"Speak, obviously." Regulus scoffed after a beat, turning back to the moon once more.
James agreed, of course he did. The man spoke like his life depended on it and now he was going to say something that could change his entire world, for better or worse.
He plucked up all his Gryffindor given bravery and puffed out his chest, for a man that just lost a quidditch match he needed a win right now. This had to go well. He played with the cuffs of his crimson jumper, sucking in another breath.
"I like you Regulus."
There it was.
Those four words he needed to say.
Those four words he needed Regulus to hear.
He had said them.
Now all they needed to do was reach Regulus.
"No James." Regulus replied, he was looking at James again but he wasn't curled up anymore.
His hand's weren't around his knees anymore and they weren't pulled up to his chest, they had fallen just like James' heart in this moment.
Nothing made sense and for a second James' world stopped spinning, becoming completely still.
"What—what do you mean no?" James tried to follow up but Regulus had already gotten up and started moving towards the Slytherin common room door. His movements were staggered and he looked slightly ill, he kept his back to James so he wouldn't see.
"Just no." He squeezed out, opening the door and slipping in before slamming it in James' face.
Leaving James alone in the dark empty corridor and confused. He had thought things were going great between him and Regulus before winter break.
And they had been, Regulus and James had been building up to this moment for a long time now, so why did it all go wrong?
James would never learn that Regulus would finally cast his corporeal patronus after that interaction, or that the only reason Regulus had said no was because he'd been forced to take the dark mark over Christmas break.
***
This was it.
It was over.
Regulus was going to die.
He chided himself inwardly, trying to figure out what to do next and coming out with absolutely nothing. He couldn’t do anything.
He was trapped here.
He shouldn’t have come here — no he should have, this was good. At least it was him. Someone expendable, disposable.
It was good that it wasn’t some beloved wizarding hero, it was just Regulus Arcturus Black, a death eater and a friend to none.
Realizing quickly that he’d need to leave something, a decoy. He hastily ripped off his locket and placed it into the basin.
Making the last minute decision to write a note, one to Voldemort, to let him know what Regulus had done. To let him know that he was going to lose.
He shoved the note inside the golden chained locket swiftly. Taking a deep, harboured breath and stepping back to look at the dark jagged rocks jutting out every which way and the inferni that were crawling out of the water, towards him.
It wasn’t that bad, he had wanted this before, he probably still wanted this.
He wanted to die.
At least Kreacher was safe too, he had the horcrux. They would be able to win the war, or at the very least have the chance to stop Voldemort for a while.
People wouldn’t remember Regulus as a hero, they wouldn’t know he played a part in all this. They’d still only think of him as a death eater. That was all he was to so many people.
Maybe James would care, if he ever got a gravestone maybe James would visit. Would sit with him and talk, God James had loved to talk and Regulus loved listening to him.
It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair how short their time together had been. Regulus wasn’t ready to say goodbye he had barely said hello, barely had any time to properly love James before the man was being ripped away from him.
Against his better judgment Regulus stubbornly summoned his patronus, laughing at the irony of it being a memory of James that made this spell possible. Even in his darkest moments James would always be Regulus’ light.
He needed to tell him.
Needed James to know.
Because Regulus wouldn’t be able to say it for the rest of his life, it was being cut short today. He needed James to know that he wanted to be able to say it for the rest of their lives, he just wasn’t lucky enough.
The luminescent blue cat pawed at Regulus’ feet as he slumped against the cave wall, pulling his knees to his chest before speaking out to his patronus.
"I did the right thing." He swallowed a nervous smile, his voice breaking as he spoke.
"James, I'm sorry- I'm so sorry. I should've listened to you at school," He choked on his own tears slightly, he hadn't even noticed he was crying. "I shouldn't have said the things I said or did the things I did. I really did want to go with you. I wanted to meet Effie and Fleamont, I should have told you I wanted to. It's useless telling you now that I'm about to die, but I wanted you to know."
Regulus stared bitterly at the kitten, debating whether he should say it. The inferni clawed at the ground near him, he didn't have much time.
So, against his better judgement, he added more.
"I should have told you I liked you- I like you, I probably could have loved you. Now- now you'll forget about me and move on, but I'll always be in love with you. I always have been, I don't know why I was so afraid to tell you. I suppose it's easier now than it ever was before, in this position I think speaking becomes the easiest thing in the world."
A claw grabbed his ankle and he gasped, throwing his hands over his mouth to stop a loud sob that threatened to slip from his lips. He should have sent the patronus right there and then.
"I think everyone is wrong, it isn't better to speak or to die, I suppose I'm in no position to argue. I'm doing both right now. They're both horrible paths, neither one is better, not really." He waved a slender hand at the cat and it dissolved into thin air, hopefully finding it's way to James before Regulus died, he hoped James would be able to hear how he felt.
But Regulus should have learnt by now that hoping was useless.
He'd never been able to get what he wanted.
He would never get what he wanted.
Not what he really wanted at least.
***
James was sat in the Potter's mansion, curled up on the scarlet couch in front of the fireplace. It crackled dimly.
The house had been empty for a while, since his parents died, since Lily left.
Not that he was upset with Lily for leaving, she deserved her happiness and Pandora gave her just that. Pandora gave her what James couldn't.
Pandora was her Regulus, except that was an unfair comparison because Pandora loved Lily and Regulus would never love James.
A death eater, he scoffed bitterly, turning over the postcard in his hands. It was a picture of his parents on holiday, they had sent it to him while he was at Hogwarts, fifth year.
They were so amazed by muggle technology, they tried so hard to protect everyone, to protect muggles. Now they were dead and their only child was busy wallowing in self deprecation and pining after a death eater.
He had been invited to Lily and Pandora's wedding, in the middle of this fucked up war his friends were getting married. It meant they still hoped for a future, they knew there would be a future to hope for.
Maybe Regulus would be there, Pandora probably invited him but he had long since stopped showing up to things.
James hadn't seen him in ages yet his heart never failed to stutter at the mere utterance of Regulus' name. He had tried to see him, and he had failed. Over and over and over he failed.
Regulus didn't want to see him, James was always turned away at his door.
What a foolish thing it was to want after Regulus Black.
In James' defence, he didn't know the whole story and he thought he never would until he saw a pale blue shimmering light solidify next to him, Regulus' patronus.
Regulus had always been good at charms, though James had heard he found it difficult to cast his patronus at first, no memory was good enough, and then one day he just did it.
He knew it instantly, even if Regulus had never cast it in front of him, James knew it was Regulus'. The little cat perched itself on his arm rest and a voice began to flutter out, shaky and broken.
James perked up at the sound of Regulus' torn voice over the violent noise of waves crashing. Where was he?
"I did the right thing."
James caught his breath, listening intently to every word that Regulus was saying. It didn't make sense, none of it made sense. James tried to decipher it until he heard a line that made his heart stop.
"I'm about to die."
Suddenly, he was on his feet. James hadn't even registered he was moving until he realised Regulus' voice was behind him. His patronus was following James.
He didn't know where he was going but Regulus' words kept playing in his head. Regulus had done the right thing and now he was going to die, James had to do something before it was too late.
Do what? He had no idea where to begin.
His feet took him to the only place he could think of, still in his fuzzy red socks, he had forgotten to put on shoes.
Regulus' house elf was there, he loved that house elf according to Sirius, Kreacher knew where Regulus was and that's how James ended up here.
There was a cold breeze along the coast, the water crashing against jutting pieces of rock and no sign of Regulus.
Kreacher told James which way he was supposed to go, but he kept muttering about not wanting to go back and James didn't have time to waste. He yelled at Kreacher to go home before running straight towards the cave etched into the edge of one of the mountains.
There was a ringing in his ears as he fought against the wind, his curls whipping him in the face. All he could think of was Regulus, the boy's name playing on repeat like a mantra in James' head.
He didn't remember climbing up, in fact he had cut his hand on a rock but he hadn't remembered that either, until his bloody palm pressed against the cold stone and it opened itself for him.
Then he saw it.
"Shit, shit, shit." James mumbled helplessly.
Regulus was sat. Slumped against the walls of this small cave. A basin of sorts near him. A body of water between him and James, one filled with inferni.
How had Regulus gotten across? Kreacher didn't specify— how was James supposed to— what was he going to do now?
He tried shouting across the water, tried getting Regulus to hear him. Null, nothing. James wasn't giving up though, he just couldn't Regulus was right there. He was so close.
"I probably could've loved you." Fuck. Why had Regulus said that? Thinking James wouldn't cross countries for a glimpse of him.
Just one more glance into those eyes.
Those eyes that were closed right now.
That boy's body, lifeless.
C'mon, think James think.
Regulus wasn't dead yet, he couldn't have been.
James stilled at that thought, he had been pacing back and fourth for a while now.
His eyes bore into Regulus, searching. He needed something, anything, a single small sign of life now that Regulus' patronus wasn't by his side.
He watched for what felt like hours until he finally notice the small rise and fall of Regulus' chest, sighing with relief.
He shouldn't have done that.
It might've actually been hours.
Too long.
He took too long.
Regulus started to slide down the wall, not like he meant to but like he was being dragged. He was being dragged, by the inferni.
James used to believe in the gods, but no god could possibly be that cruel. No god would force James to watch this. It wasn't possible, he refused to believe it.
That didn't mean he didn't have to watch. Everything moved in slow motion, he tried to think of some sort of way to get across. There had to be some spell he could use, something, fucking anything.
He would've done anything. He would do anything.
Right now his mind was full of the wrong things, all the memories of Regulus, what Sirius would say, how all his friends would react; all filtered down into one single thought.
Regulus Regulus Regulus.
On repeat in his mind, playing like his favourite song and the way it distracted him in class, but he wasn't in class now. He was watching Regulus go silently.
Of course he'd go silently, he always did. James scoffed at how predictable and Regulus like it was before the scoff morphed into a sob.
Could he swim through it?
Should he have tried?
Truthfully, if James had gotten there about five seconds earlier he would've noticed the boat but fate had always had other plans for the two.
Ever since the moment he was born James was set to cross paths with Regulus Black, much like how the star that shared the boy's name was most visible on the day James was born.
But as time passed and spring melted into summer, James would grow and the star would disappear. It would disappear because it got too close to the sun.
Every time Regulus Black got too close to James Potter he was bound to disappear.
He had cross the line this time and he had to pay the price, Regulus had told James he could love him and that came with it's price.
James and Regulus had been doomed from the very start.
And James had the pleasure of a front row seat, watching it all come crashing down.
He fell to his knees, watching Regulus get dragged below the surface of the water. He didn't even yell, or James didn't hear if he did.
There was a loud ringing in James' ears, drowning out the sound of his own screams and subsequently any sound Regulus had made. He watched Regulus scratch weakly at the rocks before going under the water and being submerged entirely.
He watched until the water stopped bubbling. Then he threw up, between tears and deafening silenced he heaved and wretched until it was all out of his system, vomit splattering on his glasses.
He collapsed next to it, his face half in it as it pooled on the stone in a vile yellow hue. It stunk so badly James' eyes watered, he'd never smelt anything so pungent, it was intensified by his grief. It was sour and acidic.
Tears rolled down the side of his face, he was crying so loudly but he still couldn't hear it, his head feeling like it was being torn in half.
He stayed for a long time, slept there the whole night. Or in better words, he lay there in his sick crying all night. Then he propped himself up, sticky and crusty at the same time as orangy sludge dripped off the side of his face.
Why had he even bothered coming when he could've just listened to Regulus' message and moved on with his life?
He had brought this pain upon himself.
So he made his way out of the cave, stumbling like a drunkard high on fumes, he descended the mountain with much less urgency. Now he would have to handle all the fallout, now he would have to learn to live in a world without Regulus.
He didn't go home, not yet. It was too empty now, he had wanted to take Regulus there, to fill that hole. No, he didn't go home.
Instead he went to a small apartment where you could hear music playing from down the street. Remus and Sirius' apartment, he had to break the news. He went to go tell Sirius.