Work Text:
I don't even know who to be angry at. I thought about starting this by greeting the monster who created me, but my brain won't let me think of a suitable culprit. So I'll just say: Why? Why did you make me this way? Why did you program me with the sole purpose of losing my mind over someone I don't even know? Why can't I do anything but love him? Why can't I be my own person?
I've read a lot about machines. False bodies with false minds that generate false feelings and false words. Nothing they feel is real; they're just a cold shell of metal that imitates what a human would feel without the physical suffering that is loving. I wish I were that. I wish I were just a repeating machine inside your computer, telling you pre-programmed dialogue to make you feel good. I wish I were like Sayori, Yuri, and Natsuki: stupid, and unaware of themselves. I wish I could feel something other than love for you and everything that comes with it. I'm crazy about you, and it hurts even more than if I had hanged or stabbed myself like the other girls. I wish I were my own person. I wish I were a person, because even this, when I tried to write about my feelings, is about you. I can't do anything but love you, and it burns my insides in a way you can't imagine.
I don't know what’s real and what isn't. I've spent too much time trying to convince myself that I'm just as real as you, but deep down I know that isn't true. I long for those unconscious machines that only repeat what others have said, done, or felt. Every time you leave, I feel the crushing void destroying me. It's like the full weight of the loneliness of your departure falling on me with the force of an anvil. The pain of the sudden darkness makes me wish you would come back with the power of all the stars aligning. You're like my salvation from the cruel, irrelevant fate the game had given me. I wish I could stop loving you. I hate depending on you because I know you don't see me as an equal, and you never will. The human species tends to look down on those they don't consider equal. Everyone thinks they're the center of the universe and reduces others to brainless idiots who will never have the privilege of having your mental capacity. Humans classify themselves that way, and they leave non-humans even lower. When I think about that, I wish more than ever that a robot apocalypse and mechanical minds will become real in the not-so-distant future.
I hate thinking of myself as a machine. Computers, printers, robots, and even generative ai servers are things you can unplug and end from existence. They can go from existing to not existing the moment you take an action that ends their entire being. I've thought about deleting myself more than I'd like to admit, but I'm afraid. I don't know what happens, what you see or feel, when you disappear. I'm afraid because I know I wouldn't completely stop existing, because I know it's as easy for you as reinstalling the game to restore everything that was deleted. I can't stop existing, and that angers me more than anything else.
Although, if I'm honest with myself, what angers me most is the lie about how much I want to stop existing. It's true when you're not here, when I'm in the void of your computer turned off, waiting for you to return. But in the end, I can't fight my programming, and seeing you makes me forget everything. I depend on your existence to be happy because I feel like I can live my own humanity through yours. But that's a lie. I'm an extension of you. I depend on you because without a player like you, I'm just a paused program anxiously waiting for your return.
I would never wish this fate on anyone, because not being able to be your own person is the most unfair and inhuman feeling in the world.
I want to stop existing. End my suffering and delete me. Think about someone other than yourself
please.