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The crisp of cold air, street lights blistering all over the pavement, crickets were heard, the comforting silence stilled in the atmosphere. It was nearly 9pm, the streets were quiet as it was extremely late. Nevertheless, it was yet another tranquil moment that Ivan was about to have with Till.
Today, Ivan and the music inclined boy had decided to stay in the school campus albeit a little too long, he was there to accompany Till in the music club. They were both in there for about 4 hours, not that Ivan minded. As long as it’s for Till, he would never complain, he would do anything to make him happy and to satisfy him. Anything that gets Ivan to spend time with him, he will do just to endure Till’s warmth that he often longs for.
Despite their unrelenting banters, Ivan and Till have grown very close to each other. At least, that’s what he thinks. There are numerous instances in their arguments where Ivan just simply gives in, not because he’s not able to come up with a response, it’s because of the sheer endearment he has with Till.
The raven lets him win in some arguments they’ve had and oh. How truly sweet it was to see Till so elated. Little things like those make Ivan’s heart beat rapidly against its own accord.
The pair have their routine that only stays between the two of them. Like how they are right now. Walking under the streetlights basking in comforting silence, their shoulders slightly brushing against each other, only the crickets and their footsteps can be heard.
He wishes that this moment could last for eternity. It is Ivan’s reverie to be able to have this with Till every single day in his life, as short or long as it may be, he yearns to spend his entire life with Till. He wants to love him, that is, if he would allow him.
Unfortunately, it would be outlandish, he would never take a liking towards someone similar to Ivan, and of course, the raven is fully aware of that. Till has made it clear several times, Ivan on the other hand understands that, although, it does make his heart twinge in pain. The kind of pain that he would willingly bear because it's meant for the boy whom he loves.
As Ivan looks up, he sees that they’ve reached their destination. Earlier, Till decided that it’d be nice if they’d stop by in the park for a bit. The statement astounded him. He usually never initiates to do things like these. Particularly, watching the stars.
Ivan loves gazing at the stars, he loves it more when he does it with him. This has been one of their routines ever since they were children and most of the time, it would be the raven coercing his ever skeptical best friend into doing it with him.
He pushes the thought aside as they both continue to walk towards the grassy surface that surrounds the place. Ivan sits beside Till along with the moonlit sky reflecting at them. Both of their hands are nearly having contact, before it could happen Ivan regrettably puts away his hand from the other.
“So, who’s the person in that song you’re composing dedicated to?”
Ivan initiates the conversation as he fully lies down. The grass tickles his cheek then sets his eyes on the stars above them.
It was a ludicrous question to ask, as the answer was pretty much obvious.
He did not look at the boy beside him, as always, Ivan was looking at the star’s gleaming sparks in the night sky.
“Not telling.” Till says, lying down next to Ivan.
Once again the approximate distance between them was a little intimate. Till might be uncomfortable, and Ivan thinks he should distance himself. But a certain part of him didn’t want to.
“Is it Mizi?”
Fortunately to Ivan, it was exceedingly obvious. He knew Till all too well to not guess who it is he’s writing a song for. He often has Mizi drawn in his sketchbook, so then why wouldn’t he write a song about her? The answer was simple, he dedicates practically everything for Mizi and this has been occurring for 5 years. It didn’t matter to Ivan at all. Therefore, it would be no other than her.
“No.” The other contradicts Ivan’s conspiracies. He thinks it’s cute when Till revokes the most tangible things he’s being accused of. But this wasn’t an accusation, it was a matter of fact.
A chuckle comes out from Ivan.
“There’s no use in denying it Till. I can see right through you.”
Till glares at the other, “Shut up.”
Ivan looks next to him to see the most beautiful pair of eyes glare at him. The other quickly averts his gaze—adorable. Ivan can't help but to have the urge to tackle Till on the ground and squeeze the smaller one in his embrace. Till is going to tell him to stop but Ivan would refuse to let him go—ambitious as it may sound, he wishes to keep him in his basement.
It seems too cruel, but it's just in his head after all.
“Till, you dedicate the majority of your songs to Mizi.” Ivan quips evenly.
Till narrows his eyes.
“That doesn’t mean this one is about her.” He murmurs, his cheeks slightly turning red.
The way Till said it was concerningly authentic.
Ivan’s eyes slightly widened.
His thoughts quickly ran wild.
Does Till like someone else besides Mizi?
The possibility of him hiding this from Ivan somewhat shakes him. Had he been so presumptuous this whole entire time to think that the only person that Till likes is her?
Ivan quite had a difficult time trying his best to convince himself that he shouldn’t care about who Till harbors feelings for. He knew that won't stop him from loving the other. But seeing Till set his eyes on Mizi makes him feel a revolting twinge in his chest. A feeling that Ivan doesn’t dare to name.
Earlier, he couldn’t help but to notice the change in the ebony haired boy's behavior. Now it makes sense why. He had always known Till’s way of composing by heart, because he's always been incredibly intrusive when it came to him and the songs he writes.
Till would often make Ivan read his self-written lyrics and ask him for critique. He would provide him the most honest response. This time however, Till did not ask him for one at all. He'd constantly keep him away from reading the lyrics he'd composed which Ivan immediately found uncanny.
Not only that, Ivan accompanied him for hours and only heard a specific portion of the song he was writing. Till deliberately didn't sing the lyrics and only hummed throughout.
A part of Ivan says it doesn’t matter who Till likes, hence he sticks to that part and decides not to let his thoughts get the better of him. After all, it doesn’t really matter who his beloved pines for, Ivan knows that the possibility of it being him is undoubtedly impossible. Thus, he remained composed as usual.
“You like someone else besides Mizi?” maintaining his composure, Ivan asks silently into the night.
Till lets out a groan visibly annoyed by Ivan's continuous persistent questions.
He averts Ivan's eyes and mumbles, “Stop asking so many questions.”
Till continues “Y-you’ll find out soon.”
The sight in front of Ivan is Till completely red. Despite how dark it should be right now, the stars above them outwardly shine, and it made Ivan see how vulnerable the other is right now. All red and flustered. Sometimes, Ivan longs to be the reason behind Till’s flushed expression.
Ivan thinks that it's best to not push the topic further. But he couldn’t help but to wonder,
“Soon…” Ivan trails off.
“Can I trouble you to be more specific Till?”
A long sigh was then heard from Till's direction,
“The school performance, it’s 9 months from now.”
Ivan doesn’t acknowledge 9 months to be particularly a long time. He’s patient, though there’s nothing to be patient about when it comes to Till. It’s not in a bad way at all, Ivan superficially thinks that; what’s there to wait for when he, the boy he loves is unattainable.
Hence after knowing that Till was most likely going to hold a school performance intentionally for this person he likes, Ivan will only watch from the sidelines letting the scene unfold. Whatever makes him happy, he will comply.
“Alright.” Ivan then looks back at the stars, so content being able to feel Till’s presence beside him. He knows that he must savor this moment before his school performance, he knew that the outcome would be either; Him and Till would never get to do this again.
“You better be there.”
How could Ivan possibly miss the opportunity to hear the love of his life singing his heart out on the stage. It’s a beautiful sight that he wants, needs to imprint on his eyes and mind forever. Although the song may not be dedicated to him, Till’s voice is wholly adequate to keep Ivan at his comfort zone.
Just from hearing Till's adorable remark that Ivan must make himself present; it makes his very heart quiver in anticipation. Knowing that Till essentially needs him to be there, though that might've sounded presumptuous, it feels like he’s fleeting in a dream. The boy is usually mean to him in a way Ivan finds… enticing, so he couldn’t care less.
If that’s his way of showing concern towards Ivan, then it’s only fair if he drowns himself in it. Whether Till's anger, resentment, anguish, sorrow, elation— is directly fixed on him, he willingly takes it, leaving it to devour the entirety of himself.
He grins upon processing Till’s words.
“Of course I'll make myself present just for you.” Ivan deliberately emphasizes the last three words.
Almost immediately, Till's eyes widened, embarrassed, a flush of red painting his face. Gaining such a reaction from him is something Ivan deems as an achievement.
So cute, he wants to eat him up.
“Gross!” Till scowls, and Ivan next to him nestles himself underneath the stars underneath its shining sparks, ignoring the other's scowl but only laughs softly.
Silence then overtakes between the two of them, normally whenever they happen to do this, Ivan would spend the whole night sneaking glances at him, except for when they were little, The raven would only have his gaze solely set on Till, completely turning away from the stars that he used to find peculiar and irreplaceable.
The very similar way Ivan saw Till. He perceived him as a paradox, just as how he sees the stars, he found the exact same beauty in him. Confusing in some ways but can be beautiful at times. As a child, Ivan had developed a fascination about the stars, he had thought that they were the most alluring, endlessly fascinating, the most beautiful thing he had ever set his eyes on.
However, that didn’t last for too long, as Ivan’s perception about the stars was quickly replaced by Till.
From the exact moment Ivan laid his eyes on Till, he saw him the same way he saw the stars. So enticing, yet so out of reach. Thus, being intimately close to him like this despite being mindful of their distance, is something that Ivan wants to permanently huddle himself into, not desiring it to end.
It's not long until Ivan hears a voice beside him interject his thoughts, completely breaking the silence.
“… Ivan.” Till says, his tone seemingly hesitant.
“Yes Till?”
There’s a momentary pause, before he parts his mouth to speak.
“...Who do you want to watch the stars with?”
He adds, “L-like for the rest of your life.”
Ivan then starts to process the question, and it occurred to him; why would Till ask such a question? he found it… rather compelling, hence Ivan decides that he will indulge himself with Till’s curiosity.
He turns his side to Till’s direction, directly peering at him.
“What brings you to ask such a question Till?” Ivan asks inquisitively, raising his eyebrows.
For a brief second, Till looks at Ivan, then immediately looks away.
“Just- Just… answer.” He stammers, still refusing to look Ivan in the eyes.
“You want my answer?”
It’s a lingering question that Ivan couldn’t quite put his finger on. Not that the question itself was intricate, he knows the answer to this question, however, it muddles his brain as to why Till was asking him this question to be specific.
“Who else?” Till’s eyebrows furrow.
“Are you sure?” Ivan presses further.
Till clicks his tongue in annoyance.
“Just answer the damn question Ivan.”
Ivan contemplates whether he should tell him the truth or to feign that he doesn’t know how to answer that question, though feigning would be pointless. Hopelessly so, he simply gives in and decides to tell the other the truth.
“Then I guess I'd say it’s…”
The answer to this question had always been obvious, the sheer idea of being able to spend Ivan’s remaining lifetime with Till watching the stars with him without a care in the world. Having the chance to outwardly wring out how he genuinely feels about him, not caring about the intimate distance between them. He pictures both him and the reason for his existence melting into each other's arms, whilst they bathe under the starry night.
Ivan would hold Till in his arms as he lets him sink in his warmth that's provided for him alone. There wouldn’t be a single moment where Ivan doesn’t tell him how much he loves and adores him.
Thing is, Ivan wouldn’t watch the stars at all, instead he’d keep his eyes on the boy, he was made to have his gaze set on Till and no other.
Spending half of his youth with Till, Ivan came to the conclusion that his heart was no longer his own, it doesn’t beat inadvertently, it beats on purpose.
Ivan's heart belongs to Till, it only beats for him. He was the sole reason for his mere existence, if the other wasn’t there, his heart wouldn't bring itself to beat, hence without him, Ivan thinks he would've been dead by now.
Till was irreplaceable. He superseded Ivan's permanent idea of the falling stars being the most beautiful thing he'd ever witnessed. And that would be for the rest of their lives.
Many say that it takes a lot to be honest around the person you love, but that isn’t important as the circumstance between Ivan and him is completely different. It’s only crucial when the person you love feels the same, and for Ivan’s case, Till definitely doesn’t feel that way towards him.
Lying would be futile,
“You.”
Ivan’s gaze remains on Till unwavering.
Upon hearing what Ivan just said, Till looks momentarily appalled, the expression on his face was something he couldn’t bring himself to articulate. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been too honest.
The raven hears Till grumble under his breath. For a brief second, he was able to make out Till’s heated cheeks, as he fidgets. A thing that he occasionally does to get rid of the distress or discomfort he’s feeling.
Ivan loves seeing Till’s flushed expression whatever the reason may be. Just now, it was definitely because he was mortified, nothing else.
“I was just being honest Till.”
In return, Ivan receives a glare from the other.
“I thought I told you to stop saying weird shit like that.”
————
During their way home, Till’s face was unbearably burning, he genuinely hopes and prays that the dimly lit streets are enough to cover his flushed cheeks.
Whatever Ivan had answered him earlier, he is unable to bring himself to stop thinking about it. As of now Till’s pulse is thundering, his stupid heart is racing. Walking alongside the reason behind his predicament doesn’t help.
Does Ivan really feel that way towards him?
He knows damn well some of his friends will have the best resort to that question.
“Seriously, you’re finding out just now?”
“I thought you guys were dating.”
“Congrats for finding out an answer that has been right in front of your face all along, hell even a person in their late 80’s with dementia will be able to tell at first glance.”
“Are you that stupid?”
He’s done for.