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Remus Lupin knew exactly what he signed up for when he moved in with Severus Snape. "A troubled kid," everyone had said back in the day. But Remus saw the real Severus beneath the acidic tongue and the defensive posture. He saw a brilliant, kind-hearted person who just happened to have a nightmare of a childhood.
A new family had moved into the flat across from Remus’s when he was ten. He and his mother, Hope, heard nothing but arguing—mostly the father’s voice, booming and jagged. Remus often woke to shattering glass and doors slamming at two in the morning when the man stumbled home drunk.
They had a son, Severus, who ended up not only in Remus’s school, but in most of his classes. Remus, being the top of the class—or the quiet, sickly boy who spent every lunch break in the library, and was always alone—was selected to be Severus Snape’s guide for the first few weeks.
During break, Remus walked up to him.
"Hey," he said, his voice shaking. Severus seemed so guarded, so intimidating. He looked terrifyingly sharp, even at ten.
"What?" Severus didn’t even look at him, his dark hair a curtain over his face.
"Mrs. McGonagall asked me to help you with anything you need."
"I don’t need help." Severus’s tone was final. Remus left.
A few days later, Remus was walking home. He tried to hurry, but the neighborhood bullies—led by a thuggish boy named Fenrir Greyback—caught Remus behind the bike sheds. Remus was frail and vulnerable, plagued by chronic illness and a pale, scarred complexion, but he never lacked nerve; he was brave. He would’ve fought back even if it meant a trip to the A&E.
"Hey, Lupin!" he heard Fenrir Greyback’s voice. Remus kept walking, not wanting to get blood on his clean shirt. "I'm talking to you!" Greyback grabbed Remus’s shoulder, spinning him around. He was twice Remus's size. Fenrir had to repeat 4th grade thrice so far. "Where’s my lunch money?"
"I don’t have any," Remus mumbled.
"Show some respect, Lupin."
"I said I don’t have any money." Remus lifted his head, looking Fenrir in the eye.
"Well, that’s too bad. You know what you get for that."
Remus closed his eyes as the fist lifted, but the punch never came. He heard a surprised grunt and opened his eyes. Severus Snape was standing right in front of him, he looked small facing Fenrir but there was a coldness in his posture that actually made Greyback pause. Remus couldn't see Severus's face, but he saw something on Fenrir’s that he thought impossible: fear.
"Let’s go," Fenrir muttered, retreating with his cronies.
Severus turned around. His shell cracked for a second; Remus saw genuine worry. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I’m fi-fine. Thanks."
"No problem." Severus started to walk away, then paused. "Say, do you have something against running away?"
"If you run, the problems are still there, it’s better to face it." Remus said softly, pulling out his inhaler. "Besides, it’s hard to run when you can’t breathe."
Severus smiled, and Remus knew it was his first smile in a very long time. "Come on, Lupin. Let’s go home."
And that’s how Remus Lupin and Severus Snape became friends.
It wasn’t until 9th grade that Severus told Remus his secret. Remus knew about Mr. Snape’s drinking, but the reality was worse. Severus showed Remus the bruises, the scars, and the remnants of old breaks. Remus didn't need words; he just needed to be there. Severus knew that Remus would always be by his side and he would never do anything like that. Severus also knew that if had to, Remus would fight his dad. Remus’s mother, Hope, didn't have much, but she had a big heart. Eventually, she convinced the authorities and Severus’s mother to let the boy stay with them. They didn't have much, but they shared every last thing with him.
At twenty-two, after four years of working odd jobs, they moved into a one-bedroom flat. Remus was starting university on a scholarship; Severus was working double shifts at a chemist’s lab. School hadn't been kind to Severus, but he was a genius with formulas.
Their life was a delicate, perfect balance. They shared a single bed because it was all they could afford, which was, undoubtedly, kind of uncomfortable. Severus, who hated people, spent his nights researching homeopathic remedies and exercise regimes to help Remus’s chronic fatigue and joint pain. He spent weeks researching ways to strengthen Remus’s immune system, crafting an exercise program that turned Remus from a skinny kid into someone taller and healthier. Severus looked at his "masterpiece" with quiet pride.
The love Remus felt wasn't brotherly. It was a deep, aching pull that made his heart stutter whenever Severus Licked his lips or tied his long hair back. He felt things for him that mundane words couldn't explain. These thoughts are going through his head on a daily basis.
"Hey, Remus?" Severus shouted from the bedroom. Remus went in and lay down next to him on the single bed. Sure, it’s odd, two grown up males sleeping next to each other (sometimes even cuddling), but their excuse is that this is the only way they could afford the rent, and Remus couldn't imagine sleeping without him. Severus showed him a laptop screen—a bicycle he wanted to buy Remus for his birthday.
“Wow, Sev, you don’t have to...” Remus’s looking into Severus’s eyes.
“I mean, you could get groceries on your way back and it would be easier…”
“So you have an ulterior motive.”
“Of course!” Severus laughs, only stopping when Remus hits him with a pillow. “You did not!”
“I did!” Remus yells, jumping up from the bed. “Come on!”
Remus holds one of the pillows, ready to attack. Severus stands up too. “Okay, how about this? I win, you make dinner and the other way round.”
It led to a pillow fight, a tangle of limbs, and laughter that ended with Severus pinned on Remus’s chest. They both know this is definitely not something friends would do, but neither of them moves. The air changed. Severus licked his lower lip, his eyes hopeful. Remus, terrified of losing the only person who mattered, panicked.
Remus lifts his hand, he wants to push Severus away, but ends up doing something completely different. “Your hair’s getting long.” He puts a stray strand of hair behind Severus’s ear. Remus has no shame admitting that Severus with a bun is so damn sexy.
“I know. I thought you liked it.”
“I’m not complaining.”
“Good, cause it’s not going anywhere.”
Severus smiles and Remus’s sure this is the moment they’ve been waiting for, this is the moment they’re going to kiss, but Severus’s stomach grumbles.
“Food?” Remus asks.
“Food.” Severus stood up, leaving Remus behind with a cold, empty feeling in the space where their bodies had just been pressed together. “How about you order and I’ll do the dishes?”
“Okay.” Remus reached for his phone, watching Severus’s lean frame disappear into the kitchen. He called their favorite pizza place and ordered the usual: jalapeño, mushrooms, and extra olives for Severus, and a simple Margherita for himself. The delivery guy quoted an hour, which gave Remus exactly enough time to be awkward. He’d never been awkward around Severus in twelve years; it felt like a terrible time to start.
“Sev?” he shouted toward the kitchen. “Pizzas are ordered! I’m going to have a shower!”
He didn’t wait to hear if Severus replied. He needed to be alone.
He closed the door of the tiny, cramped bathroom and leaned against it. It was so humid in there he could barely breathe, or perhaps it was just his feelings suffocating him. He cracked the window open and sat on the edge of the bath. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he thought. It could ruin everything. No—it would ruin everything. They had a system. Sure, two grown men who weren't "together" sharing a single bed wasn't typical, but it was all Remus knew. Severus was his everything. Romantic, platonic, or something else entirely—love was love. But why did it feel so heavy now? They were never just friends, never just brothers. They were something else, a category that didn't have a name.
With a heavy sigh, he stood up and stripped out of his clothes. He ran the water, waiting for it to turn lukewarm—it was summer, and the heat was already making his skin itch. He stepped in and closed his eyes, but it was no help: all he saw was Severus.
He saw Severus’s weight pinning him to the bed during their play-fight. He saw the way Severus licked his lips, the dark intensity in his eyes that looked like he was waiting for something. He could practically smell him. He thought of the way Severus looked in the middle of the night, pale and peaceful, the only time his guard was truly down. Before he realized it, Remus was half-hard just from the memory of Severus’s elbow brushing his ribs.
He knew he should feel ashamed, jerking off to the thought of his best friend. But he also knew he was at a breaking point; if he didn't find some release, he’d vibrate out of his skin. It wasn't the first time he'd done this, but it was the first time he did it knowing that his love ran much deeper than he was willing to admit.
He dragged his fingers across his lower abdomen, lingering at the top of his pubic hair. He thinks about Severus when he takes off his shirt to get into bed, the sharp line of his collarbones and the lean muscle of his stomach. Remus’s breath hitched. He wrapped his hand around himself, his strokes lazy at first, then increasingly desperate. He imagined it was Severus’s hand. He imagined Severus leaning him back against the cold tile of the shower, his mouth finally, finally meeting Remus’s.
He came into his hand, a ragged sigh escaping him as the tension finally broke. He stood under the water for a long moment, washing himself clean, terrified that Severus might somehow see the truth written on his face.
“Hey, Remus?” Severus’s voice drifted through the door. “You know you’re paying, right?”
“Yeah... I’ll be out in a sec!” Remus tried to sound calm, but his voice was a pitch too high.
He turned off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist. He stepped into the bedroom to grab boxers from his drawer, only to find Severus already sitting on the bed. Remus froze for a second, then grabbed his clothes and scrambled back toward the bathroom.
“What?” Severus asked, a smirk playing on his lips. “Why are you going back in there?”
Remus ignored him, shutting the door.
“IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DICK, LUPIN!” Severus shouted from the other room.
Remus couldn’t help but let out a small, breathless laugh. He pulled on his boxers and checked the mirror, making sure he didn't look like a man who had just spent ten minutes fantasizing about his roommate. When he finally emerged, Severus was still on the bed, looking amused.
“You all set, Princess Remus?”
“Fuck off, Snape,” Remus growled, though there was no bite in it.
A knock at the door saved him. “Oh, food!”
“Can you pay? My wallet’s on the table.”
“Sure thing.”
As Severus left the room, Remus let out another long sigh. He could manage tonight. It was just pizza and a horror movie marathon.
They spent the night huddled together on the sofa, and by 1 AM, Remus’s eyes were heavy. The sounds of the movie blurred into the background.
“Mmdidyasay?” Remus murmured, his head lurching as he blinked up at Severus.
“It’s bedtime, Remus.”
“Mm.” Remus shifted, fixing the pillow. “Good night, Sev. I love you,” he mumbled, the words slipping out in that hazy space before sleep.
He may or may not have felt the ghost of lips against his own, but as he drifted off, he couldn't tell if it was a dream or the reality he was too afraid to ask for.
The next few months passed without incident. Remus and Severus lived their lives in a quiet, rhythmic loop: they woke up tangled together, ate breakfast in their cramped kitchen, and while Remus headed to university, Severus went to work. They’d reunite in the evening to eat, watch television, or play games, eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms only to repeat it all the next day.
As the London weather turned colder and wetter, Remus found himself spending more time at the library. He hated leaving Severus alone, but he couldn’t deny that Severus was a loud presence—even when he was being quiet, his brooding energy made it impossible for Remus to focus on his essays.
It was during one of those late-night study sessions that Remus met Lily Evans and James Potter. They were bright, social, and persistent. They dragged Remus out of his shell, convincing him to join the art society and, upon discovering Remus was bisexual, they convinced him to join the university’s LGBT+ society. Remus knew this meant spending less time in their flat, but he told himself he needed these connections for his future.
He also needed a distraction. The feelings he had for Severus were becoming a physical ache, and James Potter—charismatic, messy-haired, and kind—was an easy place to turn. When James eventually asked him out, Remus said yes. He needed to prove to himself that he could love someone who wasn't his best friend.
Remus and James started dating. Remus desperately wanted to introduce James to Severus, but the anxiety of it kept him paralyzed. Severus didn’t even know Remus was bi; coming out felt like a wrecking ball aimed directly at the domestic sanctuary they had built. Finally, Remus made a promise to James: he would come out to Severus first, and only then would they meet.
“Hey, um, Sev?” Remus said on a rainy Friday evening. Remus was perched on the edge of the couch, while Severus was sitting on the floor, intensely focused on a video game. Severus could have been a normal student, out at a pub, but he always chose to stay home with Remus.
“Yeah?” Severus paused the game, the screen casting a flickering blue glow over his sharp features.
“Uh, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Yeah?” Severus asked again. Remus’s heart shattered at the slight note of hopefulness in Severus’s voice.
“Promise me it won’t change anything. Promise that we’re going to be good. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“Remus, you know I never could.” Severus set the controller down and sat on the couch, turning his full, dark gaze onto Remus.
“Okay.” Remus took a deep breath, his eyes fixed on his own knees. “I…”
A million sentences flooded his brain, most of them boiling down to: I’m so desperately in love with you, Severus Snape. But he couldn't say that. Instead, he forced out the alternative. “I met someone. A guy. I… I still like girls, but right now, this guy is just… it seems to be working out.”
Remus looked up.
“Oh.” Severus’s shoulders visibly slumped, his posture losing its tension. “What’s his name?”
“James. And I really want you two to meet. You’re my family, Sev. No one knows me better than you.”
“Yeah. It’d be lovely.” Severus tried to smile, but it was a brittle, fake thing that didn't reach his eyes.
“I don’t want this to change us. Promise me it won’t.”
“Don’t worry, Lupin.” Severus reached back for the controller, his face returning to its usual stony mask. “Everything’s good.”
Remus watched him resume the game, wishing he could believe him.
The meeting was a disaster. At exactly seven the next evening, there was a knock. Remus ignored Severus’s muttered, “At least he’s punctual,” as he pulled open the door.
“Hey,” James said, leaning in to kiss Remus, but Remus turned his head at the last second.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, his face flushing. “Come in.”
“Thanks. I brought beer and some stuff for dinner.”
“He’s a keeper, Remus!” Severus said, appearing suddenly from the hallway. “Hi. Name’s Severus.”
“I’ve heard a lot about you. So glad to finally meet you.”
“Likewise.” Severus smiled, but it was so brittle and fake that Remus felt a piece of himself die inside. “Why don’t you let me take the beer while you two do... whatever it is you do?”
“Thanks!” Severus grabbed the box, but instead of taking it to the kitchen, he stalked straight into the living room. James followed him with his eyes. “So... nice flat.”
“Yeah, it’s small, but it’s all we can afford.”
“You’re welcome to hang out at mine anytime you want,” James said, putting the grocery bags down on a chair and pulling Remus into a hug. James was shorter than Remus, so he had to tiptoe slightly. Remus buried his nose in James’s messy, dark hair.
“You smell good.”
“Mm. I used that shampoo you liked.”
“Just for me?” Remus asked, forcing a small chuckle.
“Just for you.”
“Sorry...” Severus’s voice was like ice as he tried to brush past them to reach the door. Remus let go of James immediately. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” His voice was surprisingly quiet. He grabbed his coat and disappeared into the rain without another word.
“Did I do something?” James asked, looking confused.
“No, it’s just Severus. He’ll come around,” Remus lied, trying to convince himself. “So, do you want the tour?”
“Sure.”
Remus showed him their tiny apartment. There wasn't much to see, and thirty seconds later, the tour concluded in the bedroom. James looked around, his brow furrowed. “Wait, where does Severus sleep?”
Remus felt the blood drain from his face. He had conveniently forgotten to mention this tiny detail to James. “The thing is, we’re both beyond broke. Even though we worked for years before uni, most of the money goes to my tuition. Severus insisted on helping finance my education so I wouldn't have to take out loans. So... this is the only bedroom.”
“What?”
“I’ve lived with him for almost ten years, James. We’ve been sleeping together for most of it.”
“You what?” James asked, stepping back, his eyes wide behind his glasses.
“No! No, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just... we share the same bed.”
“Sure...” James scoffed, a look of pure disbelief on his face. Remus stood frozen. “You know what? I don’t want to be the third person or the homewrecker. Bye, Remus.”
As James turned and left, Remus wanted to shout, to explain, but he knew there was no point. He had managed to ruin everything in a single evening.
“Shit,” Remus whispered. “SHIT!” he yelled at the empty walls.
He had driven away James. More importantly, he had driven away Severus. His Severus. How could he have been so stupid? How could he try to replace Severus with James? James was a great guy, but Remus had already found his soulmate, and he’d been living with him for a decade.
He tried calling James to apologize, but it went straight to voicemail. He sent a text.
>From Remus to James @ 8:12pm
>Im sorry. Its nothing like that. Pls come back so we can talk about it.
He doubted there would be a reply. He then called Severus. Severus picked up, but there was only the sound of thumping bass and loud music before the line disconnected five seconds later. He tried texting him too.
>From Remus to Severus @ 8:14pm
>Sev, come home please. Im worried about you.
To his surprise, a reply came almost instantly.
>From Severus to Remus @ 8:15pm
>I thought id leave you alone with your boyfriend.
>From Remus to Severus @ 8:15pm
>I dont think hes my boyfriend anymore
>From Severus to Remus @ 8:17pm
>Whatever.
After that, Remus sent a barrage of texts—begging, pleading, asking him to just let him know he was safe. Nothing. The silence was deafening.
He spent the next four hours calling both of them, but neither picked up. He filled their voicemails with rambling apologies until he ran out of things to say. He thought about calling his mum to see if Severus had gone there, but he knew Hope would be long asleep. To pass the time and keep his hands from shaking, he cleaned the flat—or rather, he paced around with a cloth, checking his phone every two minutes until the screen felt like it was burning his eyes.
At 11:55 pm, Remus was in bed, scrolling through his phone, going through years of photos with Severus. There were blurry shots from their teens, photos of their first day in this flat, and quiet moments Remus had captured when Severus wasn't looking. He knew now that he’d made his biggest mistake. He’d had everything. He had Severus, he had a home with him, and he had a whole life ahead of him—with Severus.
Yet, he had wanted more. Or maybe just something different. He had hoped James would be the person to make him forget all about the way his heart hammered against his ribs whenever Severus walked into a room. Remus wasn't supposed to be in love with his best friend. But was he? Truly in love? Remus knew the answer—he’d known it for years—but he was so terrified of the consequences that he still couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud to an empty room.
And what about Severus? His Severus. The boy who had survived a hellish house to build a sanctuary with Remus. It was one thing if Remus kicked his own life in the teeth and turned it upside down, but could he really do the same to Severus’s? He loved him more than anything. He couldn't risk losing him, and in Remus's mind, there were only two scenarios: either he kept his mouth shut and suffered in silence, or he spoke up and risked destroying the only family they both had left. Either way, the fear of losing Severus was paralyzing.
Remus heard someone unlocking the door. Or more precisely, someone fumbling blindly with the lock. He scrambled out of bed and rushed to the hallway. Upon opening the door, he found a bloodied, bruised, sweaty, and very drunk Severus.
“What the fuck?”
“I hate you, I hope you know that…” Severus smiled, then let out a heavy hiccup. “Why’s the room spinning, Lupin?” He looked around with a glazed, confused expression.
“What happened, Sev?”
“Remus is in love.” Severus chuckled, a dark, wet sound. “Remus is in looooove... but not with Severus. And Severus is sad because he loves Remus very much.” He giggled, a sound so out of place on his usually stern face.
Remus wasn’t sure he’d heard it right, but he couldn’t deal with a love confession now. He had to clean him up first. “Come on, let’s sit down.”
“And you know…” Severus continued as Remus practically carried him to the kitchen. “Severus thought Remus loved him too. But Remus fell in love with someone else, and I thought I could take it.” He stopped to hiccup again, then giggles to himself. Remus set him down on a kitchen chair, wet a clean cloth, and began to dab at the blood on Severus’s face. “But I’m so stupidly in love with Remus that I couldn’t stand to see him with... what’s-his-face together.” He turned serious for a second, looking up through his damp fringe. “Do we have more vodka? I want to drink more.”
“I’ll be right back.” Remus got a glass and filled it with water, trying to ignore the hammering of his heart at the confession. “There you go.” He handed him the glass and eased Severus’s coat off his shoulders.
“This is not vodka,” Severus complained with a pout.
“What happened?” Remus asked quietly. “Why are you covered in blood?”
“I don’t know… I think I ran into my father in a pub. He isn't a nice person.” He looked up, his expression shifting into a rare, vulnerable "puppy" look.
“Did he do this?”
“I don’t remember.” He hissed as Remus wiped a cut on his cheek. “I think he said, ‘I can’t believe my son’s a faggot.’ But I don’t really remember.”
“It’s okay. You need a shower, Sev. You're covered in blood.”
“But I don’t want to…” Severus pouted again. Remus made him finish the water and guided him toward the bathroom. “You coming too?”
“I’ll help you get in, but you can handle the rest.”
“But I want you to come.” Severus looked at him with wide, dark eyes, and Remus—who could never say no to him—found his resolve crumbling.
“Let’s get you undressed first.” Remus pulled Severus’s hoodie and shirt over his head, revealing a badly bruised ribcage. He was fairly certain at least a couple were fractured.
“Please come in with me…” Severus begged.
“Okay.”
Severus immediately shed his jeans and underwear, nearly face-planting into the wall in the process. Remus caught him, and Severus just giggled against his shoulder. Remus guided him into the tub and started the water. Severus turned, completely naked, and Remus’s heart fluttered. He had seen Severus naked before, of course, but this felt different—charged and heavy. Severus was lean and wiry, all sharp angles and pale skin, his dark hair plastered across his face. Remus bit his lip, his gaze wandering despite himself.
“Coooome…” Severus whined. Remus stripped down to his boxers. He was about to step in when Severus stopped him. “Those too,” he said with a smirk.
Remus nodded silently, pushed them off, and stepped in. He moved Severus directly under the spray and began to soap him down gently. Severus let out soft "mms" of approval.
“Let me know if it hurts,” Remus whispered.
“I meant what I said, Remus.” Severus sounded slightly more sober now that the water was hitting him. “I love you.”
“I know.” Remus wanted to hope, but he couldn't trust a drunk man’s heart.
“No, you don’t,” Severus insisted. “I love you more than anything, but my love wasn’t enough for you.”
“We’ll talk about this when you’re sober.”
Severus nodded, then his eyes lit up with mischief. “Can I kiss you?”
“What?”
“I’ve wanted to kiss you since like 8th grade. Can I?”
“Sev, I’m not sure…”
“Yeah, no, I get it, you don’t like me,” Severus said with an overly dramatic sigh.
“I do! I really do. But you’re drunk and I don’t want to take advantage.”
Severus grinned. He held his side for a moment, looking confused by the pain, then looked back at Remus. “I, Severus Tobias Snape, fully consent to kissing Remus John Lupin. Now, will you fucking kiss me finally?”
There it was. The answer Remus had wanted for years. But he knew it wasn't right—not like this. “No. Not here. Sober up, and if you still want me tomorrow, then yes.”
Severus nodded slowly. “Would you hate me if I kissed you?”
“I told you, Sev, okay?” Remus placed his hands on Severus’s shoulders, looking into his eyes.
Before he could react, Severus’s mouth was on his—finally, finally kissing him. Remus could taste the alcohol on his tongue as he opens his mouth for him. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Severus started giggling again. “You taste good.”
The kiss left Remus breathless and in a very happy, yet confused haze. He wants to do nothing, but kiss Severus until the world ends, however he still knows that Severus's drunk and he might not want to do this when he’s sober. He wanted to stay in that shower forever, but he knew the rules. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”
“Mm…” Severus looked down at Remus, then back up, as if only just realizing they were both naked. “Y’know, I’ve always wanted to touch you…” He bit his lip.
Remus had to fight back a groan. He grabbed both of Severus’s wrists in one hand to keep them still. “Tomorrow,” he repeated firmly.
Severus just nodded, the mischief still in his eyes. He turned off the water, and they dried off. As Remus handed him a towel, Severus leaned in close. “And if I want you to... will you do other... things to me?”
Remus failed to hide the moan that escaped him. Severus just smirked, knowing exactly what he’d done.
Drunk Severus was like a child when it came to bedtime. He was far too hyperactive, pacing the small bedroom, dancing and humming a low, dissonant tune. To Remus’s relief, at least he’d managed to keep his boxers on after the shower.
“Sev, come on.” Remus handed him another glass of water. He was doing his best to hydrate him, but he knew Severus was going to have one hell of a hangover regardless. “Let’s go to sleep.”
“Will you…” Severus put down the glass and suddenly flopped onto the bed, the old frame creaking under him, “…cuddle me?!”
“If I do, will you finally stay in bed?”
“Mmm…” Severus shifted restlessly for a few seconds, dark hair splayed across the pillow. “Maybe.”
“You’ll be the end of me, Snape. Bed. Now.”
Severus mumbled something biting that Remus couldn’t quite catch, but he did stay under the covers. Remus climbed in next to him, and Severus immediately curled up, rooting his head firmly against Remus’s chest.
“Heartbeat’s good,” he whispered, and within seconds, he was dead to the world.
Remus, however, was wide awake. His mind was a chaotic storm: Severus’s confession, the messy breakup with James (though it could hardly be called a relationship, as it had only lasted three weeks and three awkward dates), and the terrifying question of what Severus actually wanted.
It didn't help that every other thought in his head revolved around the man currently using him as a pillow. He thought about how much he loved him and how desperately he wanted this to work. But what if he blew it? What if things went wrong and he lost him entirely? Would he rather sacrifice his romantic love to keep the friendship safe?
He was in love with him; there was no doubt about that. He’d been in love with Severus longer than he could remember. He just hadn’t labeled it because, in every way that mattered, Severus was already his partner. Now, they would just be able to kiss and have sex—to finally be intimate. Nothing else would really change. They went on dates now anyway, they just didn’t have the courage to call them that.
James still hadn’t replied to his texts. Remus knew he had to make it up to him somehow, or at least apologize a thousand times. James had been right to leave; Remus couldn’t deny that. He hadn't been honest about the bed or the sheer depth of his history with Severus. But Remus had convinced himself those feelings were non-existent, so how could he have explained them? Regardless, James could wait until things were settled here.
Remus hated how much he had hurt Severus. He had been selfish when he started seeing James. He didn’t think that it would affect Severus. It clearly did. He hadn't considered how it would affect the man who had stayed by his side through everything. Remus felt as though he’d been doing nothing but thinking of himself, while he had Severus right there. He’d always had him. Sharp, brilliant, broken Severus. His Severus.
Remus woke far too early to the sound of retching. The space beside him was cold. He found Severus in the cramped bathroom, hunched over the toilet. Remus knelt behind him, gently gathering Severus’s long, dark hair away from his face.
"Morning," Remus said softly as Severus leaned back, flushing the toilet with a trembling hand.
"God... do you have to be so fucking loud? I hate you."
Remus ignored the jab and handed him a fresh glass of water. "How are you feeling?"
“What do you fucking think?” Severus looked at Remus, his eyes bloodshot and filled with an agonizing sort of regret. “Did I say anything... stupid last night?”
Remus hesitated for a heartbeat. He debated keeping it to himself, letting the alcohol take the blame, but he knew they couldn't survive another year of silence. It was for the best. “Yeah, um... you confessed that you’re in love with me,” he said, his face heating up until he was sure he was glowing.
“I said stupid, Remus, not untrue... Urgh.” Severus set the glass down with a shaky hand and leaned over the toilet again, but nothing came. “Do you know the feeling when you’re done being sick but you still feel like you’re going to vomit all over the flat?” He took a tiny sip of water, then handed the glass back for a refill.
“Please don’t. I really don’t feel like cleaning the carpet today.”
“Shut up, Lupin, and help me get up.”
Remus gripped Severus’s upper arm and hoisted him to his feet. Severus’s face was swollen and dark with bruises; it killed Remus to see him like this, especially knowing his own dating choices had sent Severus spiraling out into the night where this happened. “So... are you? In love with me?” Remus asked, blushing so hard he had to look at the tiles.
“I thought I made myself pretty clear.” Severus limped toward the living room, one hand clutching his stomach. “And can we talk about this when I’m not about to puke my brains out?” He sank onto the couch and patted the cushion next to him. “Come here. I want to sleep in your lap.”
Remus sat down quietly, his mind racing. Severus Snape was in love with him. He felt a wave of terror, worry, and a sudden spark of anger—they had wasted all these years being together without actually being together. But beneath that was a flood of pure joy. The boy he’d met in primary school—the one who had been so prickly and dismissive, and honestly a bit rude, the one who had saved him from Fenrir Fucking Greyback, the one who had watched him grow from a sickly kid into the man he was now—was in love with him.
And Remus was in love with him. It seemed so simple now. Love was beautiful, regardless of gender, yet Severus had been beaten in some alleyway just because he didn't love a woman. The thought infuriated Remus more than anything else.
“I guess the question now,” Severus said after a long silence, “is if you love me too.”
“Of course I do.” Remus smiled, his fingers finally finding their way into Severus’s dark hair.
“As a friend, or...”
“Shut up, you idiot. Of course I love you. I’m so desperately in love with you it makes my heart ache just thinking about you leaving.”
“You’re so full of it,” Severus laughed, then immediately winced and clutched his side. “Laughing is a mistake. My ribs.”
“Sorry. But yes, Sev. I love you.”
“Good.” Severus closed his eyes, leaning into Remus's touch for a few peaceful seconds. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open. “SHIT!” he yelled, startling Remus.
“What? What is it?”
“I never got you that stupid bicycle for your birthday.”
Remus laughed, a bright, relieved sound, and resumed combing his fingers through Severus’s hair. He assured him it didn't matter, and watched as Severus finally relaxed, melting into his lap and drifting off into a much-needed sleep.
Remus sat still, caressing the edge of Severus’s jaw. He’d hit the jackpot. He was at university, he lived in a flat with the person of his dreams, and the soulmate he’d been pining for was currently sleeping in his lap. It was cheesy and corny, but it was real. Everything had always been easier when the two of them were together. And now, the thing Remus looked forward to most—after all those years of longing—was finally being able to kiss Severus properly when he woke up.
END