Chapter Text
Suffocating. That’s all Rui can think as he walks out into the courtyard, the sun beating down on his skin.
“Even though it’s supposed to be autumn, it’s still pretty hot, huh?”
Rui turns to Mizuki, walking alongside him.
“Yeah. It’s annoying.”
Rui could guess why she said that.
Or not. They’ve been doing better now, since their middle school days. When all they had was each other and far, far too much time on their hands. As long ago as it was, it felt quite like this. Little chats like this in the early evenings feel nostalgic in their own strange way, thanks to those times. So much has changed, yet this of all things remains the same— Rui lets out a little laugh at that.
“Hm? What’s so funny?”
Mizuki asks with a puzzled look.
“This kind of feels like the old days, no? Talking after school, watching the sun go down.”
This time, she laughs a little too. Genuine.
“Well. That’s because we had too much time on our hands.”
It’s such a bittersweet time to look back on. They were lonely, that’s what brought them together, but they found solace in that solitude. In one another. They can talk and talk, but never recreate that time. It’s both a blessing and a curse.
“That’s true. We spent all our time not knowing how to fill it, not realizing how fast it was escaping us.”
Mizuki’s steps start to slow down, and Rui slows his own to match. He’s about to continue rambling when he hears a soft, choked-out sob.
“Mizuki? What’s wrong?”
Rui receives no response. Just quiet sniffles.
“Now, if you don’t want to talk about it…”
“No. No, I do.”
Mizuki wipes her eyes on the sleeve of her cardigan.
“I’m thinking of telling everyone in my group. About… About my ‘secret.’”
Ah, that explains it. The tears, the hesitance, everything.
“I see.”
Swallowing hard, Mizuki continues.
“It’s no use, really. Even if I think about moving forward, I can’t. Not when I’m this scared.”
Rui looks at Mizuki’s expression. Really looks. There’s this deep seated fear, like something inevitable is impending upon her.
“What scares you the most?”
That gives Mizuki pause, she stops to think before answering.
“There’s the fear that they might not accept me. But more than that… I’m scared of things changing.”
She stops, considering her next words.
“I know, in my head, that they wouldn’t reject me. They wouldn’t do that. I think they’ll accept me quickly, like you and the others. But if they were forced to, if they had to worry about talking to me the right way or trying not to hurt me— I’m sure I would be able to handle it. Selfish, I know.”
The wetness that returned to Mizuki’s eyes has long since spilled over. There’s no cries or half-silenced sounds, just the free-falling of her tears.
“No.”
Rui refutes.
“The more important the relationship is, the scarier it is to change. I can’t erase that part.”
Rui brings one hand up to cradle Mizuki’s cheek, thumb swiping away her tears.
“But I hope… That your heart stays protected, that you’ll continue to be happy like this. As your friend, I hope for that.”
“Rui…”
Mizuki’s voice cracks as she leans into the tender touch. A sharp bell echoes through the courtyard, cutting their little moment short.
“It’s almost time, should we head back?”
Mizuki collects herself like nothing ever happened, stepping away and moving towards the school entrance.
“Sure.”
She halts after a moment, turning back to the director.
“Thank you, Rui.”
It’s small at first. A missed call, a text left on read. That’s how it starts. After the cultural festival, it gets harder for Rui to contact Mizuki. She’s always busy, sick, or not feeling well. All plausible reasons, Rui thinks. Emphasis on thinks.
Then it’s her attendance. Mizuki didn’t exactly have star student attendance at any point in time, but she’s been doing better as of late. Not now, though. Back to back to back, absent, absent, absent. The days start adding up, and before long, it’s been two weeks since really anyone has been in touch with Mizuki.
That’s the thing. It’s not just Rui who can’t get in contact with her. She’s dodging everyone. The only exception was An, and she could barely hold a conversation with her. Everyone else either gets a similar verdict, or can’t get a hold of her at all. In fact, Rui catches wind of Akito’s sister asking around about her, and just as Rui suspected, it’s only a matter of time before she makes it to him.
“You can’t get in touch with Mizuki, you say?”
The girl before him, Ena, nods.
“We talked a little on the day of the cultural festival, but since then…”
She trails off, gaze drifting to the cityscape below.
“I see.”
Ena picks back up.
“But, if Shiraishi-san can get in contact with her, that means she just won’t talk to me. Running around like this, I’m sure it’s not what Mizuki wants. But at this rate, I get the feeling it isn’t good.”
That last bit is what grabs Rui’s attention.
“Hm? What’s not good?”
The brunette hesitates, leaning back against the wired fence.
“At this rate, it’s like… Mizuki’s going to disappear completely. That’s the sort of feeling I’m getting.”
Rui’s heart drops.
It’s been so long since he’s been in such a predicament, huh? They’ve been doing better, he thought, but whatever happened at the cultural festival must have pushed Mizuki to her breaking point. That’s why she’s doing this. Avoiding everyone. She… She has a plan.
“It’s difficult, isn’t it? I understand.”
Something about the way he says it, the weight behind Rui’s words, makes Ena think there’s something she doesn’t know. Maybe things are better that way.
“I don’t think I should push you, nor stop you. But I can tell you my own experience.”
Rui’s experience? Ena’s curious eyes swing back to Rui.
“I went through something similar. But then, I had my walls broken down by a companion that I, too, had tried to separate from. It was annoying to me back then, but to this day, we’re still together. I’d thought, ‘just how pushy is he?’ but I think, at that moment, his pushiness is exactly what I needed.”
Ena is clearly deep in thought, listening with every ounce of her attention.
“Is that so…”
Rui hums in confirmation.
“Mhm. However, this is just my story. With you two, it could very well be different. Especially if it were the old Mizuki. She would’ve cut ties completely by now.”
Ena gives him this shocked look, tilting her head.
“Mizuki would really do that?”
Again, Rui nods.
“Yes. Although, the old Mizuki was always alone regardless.”
“Always…?”
She murmurs in disbelief.
“Yes. In middle school, Mizuki and I met each other on our school’s rooftop, just like this. I had also been alone for a long time, just like her. I was always unable to get along with those around me, and she was just like me.”
Rui pauses, as if reminiscing.
“The Mizuki from that time was different. She had this air about her, she never let anyone get close. With time, I was able to, but I’d always had this feeling that we were one and the same. No matter where we were, that sense of loneliness lingered.”
Ena falls quiet, aside from soft whispers Rui can’t quite catch. When they stop, Rui takes it as his cue to continue.
“If it were the old Mizuki from back then, this would have all been futile. Now… Now I’m not so sure.”
A spark lights up in Ena’s eyes. One of determination, of resolve.
“Mizuki’s changed since meeting you, since meeting your group. She’s smiling, not as if she’s given up, but as if she’s truly free of worries. And she told me herself. That she has found a place she belongs— with the people she feels she wants to be with. Whether her wish to stay with you all is already in the past or still continuing on right now, I don’t know. But, as her friend, I want a future of hers where she can move forward with all of you. That’s why I’m choosing to believe, not just in you, but in the fact that Mizuki still hasn’t let go of that wish.”
There’s silence. Loud, heavy silence for all of five seconds before Ena brings herself back down to earth.
“Ah… Thank you, Kamishiro-san. For your advice. For everything. I’ll do all I can to get her back.”
The inventor smiles with a slight bow.
“You’re quite welcome. Thank you too, Shinonome-san, for your courage. I wish both of you the best.”
He watches as Ena’s figure disappears into the stairwell. All Rui can do now is sit, wait, and pray.
And pray he does. Just a day or two after his meeting with Ena, Rui is in the SEKAI practicing with his troupe, when Tsukasa turns on his heel, whipping around to face Rui.
“Rui? You missed the cue. You missed your own cue.”
Freezing like a deer in headlights, Rui flips through the script sheepishly, trying to figure out where he had left off.
Lights switch, and backdrop changes.
That’s his cue, alright.
“It… appears I did. I apologize.”
Instead of returning to his position, the star approaches Rui instead.
“Rui, you never miss your cues. Ever. What’s going on?”
Rui opens his mouth, then closes it shortly after.
He can’t tell Tsukasa. He can’t even hint at what’s going on without risking outing Mizuki’s entire situation.
But… Rui meets Tsukasa’s worried, imploring eyes. How could he phrase this without giving away Mizuki’s identity—
“I’m concerned about a friend of mine. She’s in a… difficult situation, is all. I just hope she’ll be alright.”
Rui is caught entirely off guard when he’s tackled by his much shorter, pink haired friend.
“Awh, poor Rui-kun… Is there anything we can do to help her?”
Oh how Rui wishes it were that sort of situation.
Nene, who hadn’t commented up until now, joins the group.
“Do we know her at all?”
Rui hesitates, noticeably so.
“No, and… I can’t answer that.”
That answer seems to satisfy Emu. Nene raises a brow, but doesn’t question it.
“Would distracting you with your lines help?”
Rui plays along, but deep down, Mizuki never leaves his mind. He can’t help but wonder if Ena’s right, if the situation is truly that dire. If so, then how long do they have? How long does Mizuki have? He knows better than anyone that Mizuki spirals most in isolation, and she’s deliberately bringing it upon herself. She knows what she’s doing, a testament to how far gone she is. If she really wants to disappear, this is her plan. To drift far enough out of reach that she can slip away with as little interference as possible. This isn’t an impulsive move like last time, this is calculated.
But life goes on, whether Rui wants it to or not. He and his troupe are going to Morinomiya to study, and that can’t wait for Mizuki to come around.
Rui and Tsukasa, buzzing with excitement, push past the doors of Morinomiya. People would quite literally kill for such an opportunity. With his hand on the door, Tsukasa hesitates, a gesture unlike him entirely.
"Something on your mind?"
Rui queries, and Tsukasa folds immediately.
"I'm just worried about Nene and Emu, you know? I mean, we're in the boys division together, but Nene's with the girls, and Emu's studying management..."
He trails off with a pout. Rui nudges him gently, seeking out his gaze.
"They'll be alright, they've made it past much bigger obstacles than this. Who knows, maybe they'll come back from this even stronger than before."
Tsukasa considers Rui's words, eyes glinting with determination.
"I guess we'll have to step up too, then. We can't have them improving more than us, now can we?"
He swings the door open, holding it for Rui, who gives him a slight smile.
"Right. Let's surprise them with our progress, hm?"
Before the two make it to their designated class, someone stops them outside.
"You two are the visiting students, right?"
A man about Tsukasa's height asks.
"Yes! We're looking for our class right now."
Tsukasa beams, before his expression drops.
"There's not a problem, is there...?"
The man waves Tsukasa's concern away.
"No, no. These are just leotards that were set aside for you two. It'll be much easier to train in these."
He holds said leotards out. They aren't anything special, just simple black garments accompanied by two pairs of sweatpants.
"The bathrooms are down the hall and to the right, you can change in there."
Rui and Tsukasa each take a leotard and a pair of sweatpants, thanking the man before heading off to get changed.
The director isn't sure what he expected of a leotard, but God, they were hard to get on. It takes him about five minutes of pure struggle to wrangle the piece of clothing onto himself. It's not even small, it's just... difficult. He's already winded just from getting dressed.
Clearly, Tsukasa didn't share the same peril, because he's waiting for Rui when the latter opens the door. He receives no greeting, however, as Tsukasa is... distracted.
"It looks nice, I assume?"
Still, no answer as a pink tint rises to the star's cheeks.
"Uh, yeah. Nice."
They've been dating for well over a year by now, but sometimes, it still feels like they've just gotten together. Rui laughs, patting Tsukasa's shoulder, which is hugged tightly by the silky material. Rui, too, has to hold back from staring, but he figures he hides it better than Tsukasa.
In an attempt to stay professional, the two make their way back to the classroom. The other students are working on barre exersises, Rui and Tsukasa figure out quite fast. The teacher gets them both up to speed before returning to his desk.
What was it he said again? Rest one leg on the barre, then lean forward, backward, and sideways. It sounds easy enough, but as soon as Rui tries it...
"This is harder than it looks...!"
Tsukasa strains in a whisper. Rui glances over his shoulder at his partner, clearly in the same boat of suffering, before back out at the other students.
"Everyone else makes it look so easy..."
Rui's gaze turns idly to the mirror beside the barre. These leotards put far more on display than Rui would like to see of himself. Tsukasa doesn't seem to mind it himself, but Rui figures that's natural for someone as fit as him. Rui knows it's relatively common to bulk up a little bit during the winter months, but when that smooth, suffocating fabric is hugging every corner and crevice of his body, it only serves as a reminder to Rui that he could be doing better.
"Rui! You can keep going, right?"
Right. The exercises.
"Mhm. Of course—!"
He barely chokes the last word out before falling from the barre.
"Ugh..."
"What if I just start downing a liter of vinegar every day?"
Defeated, Tsukasa kicks a rock away from he and Rui's path.
"Tsukasa-kun. You cannot possibly be serious. Besides, that's a myth. There's no evidence that vinegar actually makes you more flexible."
"What a shame."
Tsukasa huffs, kicking another rock a bit harder before Rui grabs his hand.
"A vinegar bath would be quite interesting, though. You know how when you cook meat in vinegar, it activates enzymes that break down proteins and make the meat more tender? If that logic applies, it could just as easily make us more flexible too...~"
Tsukasa thinks about it. Really thinks about it.
"I mean, I suppo— Wait! That's for cooking, Rui!!"
The inventor crosses his arms defiantly, turning to his partner.
"The rules of cooking are rooted in science, Tsukasa-kun. You should know this."
Shaking his head, Tsukasa quips back.
"Are you trying to make us more flexible, or more edible?!"
A terrible choice of words, Tsukasa gathers from the smug grin spreading across Rui's face.
"No. No, not like that, Rui."
Disappointed for other reasons, Rui's expression gradually drops.
"I guess you're right. I suppose the slow, painful road of stretching is our only option."
Tsukasa lets out a despaired sigh. Hoping to cheer him up, Rui makes an offer.
"Then again, we could always take a bath anyways?"
'We' might've been slightly misleading — Tsukasa and Rui aren't that close... Yet. They take turns in the bath instead, one at a time.
While Tsukasa sits curled up in a ball, submerged in water, Rui stands in front of the bathroom counter.
"How's that friend of yours doing, Rui?"
Tsukasa questions idly, blowing handfuls of bubbles out of his palms.
"Still nothing. No calls, no texts, and I haven't seen her anywhere."
The blonde frowns at that, studying Rui's face a little more closely.
"But she's okay, right? She's not in any kind of danger?"
Rui's throat runs dry. Tsukasa has always had this sort of knack for knowing what's on Rui's mind, whether he realizes it or not, but it's times like this when Rui starts to wonder if Tsukasa is some sort of mind reader.
"I... I'm not sure. I hope not."
He sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than Tsukasa, the latter notices.
"You don't sound so sure."
Rui exhales slowly, eyes narrowing in on his own reflection.
"I'm not. I'm not sure at all."
That doesn't comfort Tsukasa in the slightest.
"Rui, if this is serious..."
"Then I'll handle it. Dragging anyone else in would only make things worse, Tsukasa-kun. If I could, I would."
Rui isn't often a secretive person. He's very intentional about that. He does his best to open up, to steer away from his reserved past. So when he is secretive, when he starts hiding things, it's understandable that Tsukasa worries.
"Please don't bite off more than you can chew. If someone needs help, Rui, please get them that. You can't do everything on your own, you know."
That stings. It stings in the same sense as ripping off a bandaid. It's inevitable, it has to happen, but it hurts nonetheless.
"I do know."
His voice is small. Hesitant, in a way.
Tsukasa doesn't speak for quite a while after that, preoccupied with rinsing shampoo out of his hair. That gives Rui time to think, and contrary to popular belief, Rui hates thinking.
Well. He hates thinking when he's standing in front of a mirror in dead silence, that is.
That damn leotard. It's been off of Rui for hours, probably sitting in some sort of closet at Morinomiya. Still, the sensation of the fabric lingers on Rui's skin, like phantom pain he can't quite shake. All Rui can think about is that reflection, the way the material sunk into his skin like the jaws of some sort of animal, constricting his every movement. Every shape, every curve of his body, highlighted for all to see.
Rui doesn't know where these thoughts are coming from, ideas that haven't plagued him for years. Maybe it's stress. Maybe he's just concerned for Mizuki. Helplessly worrying all the time can't possibly be good for his self esteem. It certainly doesn't feel good, staring dejectedly at himself like that's going to change anything. He's never been fond of the way he looks, sure, but there's something present that wasn't there before. A restlessness of some sort.
"Want to switch?"
Tsukasa breaks the silence, blowing a clump of bubbles at Rui. Playing off how he'd been gawking at the mirror just moments prior, Rui nods, grabbing a towel for Tsukasa from the linen closet.
"Here. I'll give you a minute."
He then leaves Tsukasa alone, shutting the door behind him. As if to mock him, the mirror on his wall greets Rui the second he steps across the hall into his bedroom. It's an inanimate object, of course, but he can feel its presence, like it's watching him somehow. He brushes it off, redirecting his gaze, and simply sits down to wait for Tsukasa to open the door.
Soon, the blonde does exactly that, opening the door wearing a fluffy bath robe. He promptly hands one to Rui, as if owning duplicate bath robes is a common occurrence. Rui takes it, stepping past Tsukasa and hanging it on the back of the bathroom door before turning the water back on.
By the time Rui is in the bath, Tsukasa's already gotten dressed. He wanders back into the bathroom, plugging in a blow dryer. Rui doesn't say anything, instead letting the incessant noise drown out his unpleasant thoughts. He must've zoned out, because before he knows it, Tsukasa is unplugging the blow dryer and tucking it back where it belongs. He then glances over to Rui, who seems unnaturally interested in the wall tiles, and flicks him with a little sink water to grab his attention.
"Are you sure you're alright?"
Tsukasa's voice is soft, patient. It has that honey-like cadence that drew Rui in in the first place.
"Mm."
Rui hums absentmindedly, fingers tracing patterns in the water.
"Do you want to talk about it? Can you talk about it?"
The inventor shakes his head, all without meeting Tsukasa's eyes.
"Mm-hmm. Can't. Too risky."
What exactly 'risky' entails, Tsukasa doesn't know. He gets the impression he might never know, at this rate. What he does know is that it's troubling Rui, deeply so, and there's nothing Tsukasa hates more than watching his loved ones suffer. On the contrary, there's also nothing Tsukasa can do about it at the moment, so he walks over to the tub and kneels beside it.
"You don't have to. But I'm here. Whether you're able to tell me, or you never do at all, I'm here. Just keep that in mind."
Tsukasa brings a hand up, carding his fingers through Rui's damp hair. Rui leans into the touch, pressing into Tsukasa's hand.
"I know. Thank you, Tsukasa-kun."
Tsukasa can only stay over for so long. Inevitably, he has to return home, leaving Rui alone in his room. It's late, he should be sleeping, but that stupid leotard won't leave his mind. He's not even sure what bothers him so much, but it's getting to be unbearable. That restlessness, that deep unease that seeps into Rui’s bones, is starting to make him feel sick. He tosses and turns, trying desperately to relax, but he just.., can’t. Something is preventing him.
That’s when an idea pops into Rui’s mind. A horrible, terrible idea, but it’s his only idea. He has this gut feeling— no pun intended— that he shouldn’t act on this, but what else is there for Rui to do?
Slowly, Rui pulls himself out of his bed, lifting the doorknob before turning it and walking across the hall into the bathroom. He closes the door behind him, trying to make as little noise as possible. His eyes settle on the toilet— It’s not the cleanest option, but it’s certainly the easiest. Despite his earlier attempts to stay quiet, he turns the sink on, in hopes it’ll cancel out any sound he makes.
Rui drops to his knees, lifting the toilet seat up.
He looks into the bowl for a minute, trying to figure out how to go about this. What is there to figure out, really? Maybe he’s procrastinating. No, he definitely is.
With a heavy breath, he takes two fingers and pushes them past his lips, all the way to the back of his throat. It takes a couple tries, but then Rui coughs twice before throwing up into the toilet.
Afterwards, he sits there, slumped against the toilet seat. His mouth won’t stop watering, he’s sweating a little, but that itch has finally been scratched. He’s tired, but calm. Truly calm.
Some time passes before Rui stands up, flushing the toilet and washing his hands. This time, when he crawls back into bed, he falls asleep right away.
Something tells Rui that this isn’t over, that this might be a slippery slope like everyone always says, but there’s a sense of tranquility that comes with the exhaustion washing over him, and he can’t quite bring himself to care.