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“Astarion, do you remember when you said ‘there’s nothing more desirable than a vampire’? What did you mean by that?”
Astarion paused in the reading of his book and raised a brow with a soft scoff, his face holding an expression of mild disdain towards the question. “What do you think I meant by it?” he asked, gaze strong yet slightly inquisitive.
It seemed like his question wasn’t entirely rhetorical, but Tav didn’t venture to try and answer. Instead they shrugged. “I don’t know, that’s why I asked.”
“Tsk.” Was the only sound that left his mouth before he sighed deeply, as if the entire query was taxing on his whole being.
“Don’t be like that, Astarion.”
“Don’t be like what? Annoyed by your incessant, ridiculous and downright unrelenting questions that you don’t need answers to? I mean really, what purpose would answering that actually serve, hm?”
Tav rolled their eyes. “I don’t know… maybe it would help me understand you a little better,” they suggested.
They watched the vampire consider this and close his book gently, placing it to the side. He ran his tongue over his fang as he contemplated whether answering this question would make Tav relent, or serve to give them more things to be curious about. He could barely handle the questions he’d gotten thus far, so how would he cope with the more complex ones that were inevitably going to pop up in the future? No doubt Tav wouldn’t leave things here. He’d come to realise that their curiosity and lust for more answers was practically limitless.
Still, perhaps it would help their… whatever this arrangement of theirs was, if he allowed himself to be just a little more vulnerable. Not too vulnerable, mind. Just enough that Tav would get off his back for a few nights.
“Darling, not everyone in the world has pure intentions like you would believe they do. Sometimes people are selfish. They desire things - people, money, power… sex.” He pauses for a moment, his chest tightening a little in disgust at the word. “Vampires are but a whisper in the wind. So many myths, legends - stories of my kind float around. We’re romanticised.”
Tav frowned as Astarion patted the space next to him, ushering them to sit down, looking up at the stars above.
“Look up at the sky, darling. What do you see up there?” he asked, glancing at them as they sat next to him and took a moment to look for themselves.
“Stars,” they responded plainly.
Astarion can’t help but chuckle to himself at the bluntness of the answer. “Well, yes, but beyond that. What do you think is out there? I’ve heard that there are so many worlds out there. Places to be explored, things to see… What do you think? Do you think it's true?”
“It’s a nice idea, but I don’t know. I haven’t seen proof.”
“Exactly. You don’t know if it’s real or not.” Astarion nodded.
“No, but what’s your point?”
He sighed. “My point is, the way you responded just then is how people feel about vampires. They don’t always know that we exist in the material plane.” He takes a moment to face Tav. “When I said there’s nothing more desirable than a vampire, I meant that people want to know if we’re real. They want proof.”
Astarion’s eyes dropped towards the ground. “World-endingly beautiful - that’s what someone called me once. Then they found out that I was a vampire and it all changed. Their tone… their actions. They became rough, ripping and tearing at me like some rabid animal. All they knew was depraved carnal lust. It became about the very fact that I was a vampire - not who I was, rather what I was.”
He glanced up at the sky. “You see, darling, people like the idea of me, the concept of a vampire. I’m merely a thought experiment to them… and when they discover that there is in fact a real, living vampire in front of them, they lose control. Lust and greed consume them. They like the abstract… the notion of me, but not me. Do you see what I mean?”
Tav nodded, though their eyes were filled with sadness and sympathy for him. “Do you think everyone is like that with you?”
“How could they not be? It seems impossible to think that someone could love me for who I am. I barely even know who I am myself. All of who I was was taken away when I became his. I’ve said it before, but I’m just a means to an end. I’m lusted over, but not loved. Not in the traditional sense anyway,” he scoffed. “I suppose I shouldn’t complain. After all, I still serve some purpose, which is more than others can say for themselves.”
“You’re still worthy of love, Astarion. True love. Your lived experiences aren’t who you are entirely. You can be someone else, if you want.” Tav leaned forward and placed a gentle hand on the back of his. “I know you think that you’re only worthy when you’re on your back, being used by somebody, but you’re not. You have control over what you become. If you don’t want to be an idea that people lust over, then don’t be.”
Tav sighed. “I know some people won’t change their view of you, but others might, and that’s what you have to hope for. It’s all you can do. Just know that you do have people around you who care about you and maybe even love you. They won’t let bad things happen to you, I promise.”
“Darling, as wonderful as that all sounds, I can’t rely on others to stop bad things happening to me. The cavalry didn’t come for me while I was under Cazador’s influence, so why would they now?” Astarion shook his head. “The only person I can truly rely on is myself.”