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Those fucking belts are always so impractical to take off, Eren thinks as he fiddles with the buckle after three long hours of training.
Don't get him wrong, he loves training. Every step that helps him reach his goal of annihilating the Titans is always welcome. However, he could do without the hassle of putting their gear on and off again multiple times a day. Those transitions always involve dumb locker room talk that Eren tries to tune out.
Usually, he manages pretty well, tuning out whatever lovesick bullshit the boys are spilling, usually about Christa.
Today, for some reason, the chatter is impossible to ignore and more irritating than ever. The boys are talking about Mikasa.
It's not the first time, of course, Mikasa is, unknowingly to her, popular with the boys of the cadet corps. And Eren gets it on some level.
Mikasa is freakishly strong, skilled in combat, and funnier than anyone would ever give her credit for. Blessed with dry humor, he's rarely encountered in anyone else. Eren also knows, on some level, that Mikasa is pretty. So, it's not as if Eren doesn't understand why someone who spent time with Mikasa would like her romantically.
What gets on his nerves is that none of them know Mikasa that well. Yet feel entitled to discuss her in her absence. Only Armin, Sasha, and he have currently spent enough time with her to claim to know Mikasa. Still, here they are spouting nonsense about her glossy hair, her glittering eyes, or whatever bullshit boys such as Jean Kirstein like to ponder over.
Superficial fools they are, he thinks as he retrieves his day clothes, finally getting rid of the heavy harness attached to his ODM gear.
Eren can feel he's about to explode in a way only he knows how. He doesn't even know why it's bothering him this much, but it is.
They should be more focused on the war they're fighting against Titans and less on girls. What's even the point? It's not like they're living a typical teenage life, nor will they ever get the chance to. Hell, they might be dead on the next expedition.
Eren hardly sees the point in entertaining romance. Surprisingly, a fair number of people in their regiment have dated. As much as you can, given the circumstances. Which means mostly holding hands and hidden makeout sessions that get awkward when someone inevitably stumbles upon them.
The thought of any of these boys trying to initiate something like that with Mikasa makes him feel nauseous.
Anyway, Eren tries to distract himself by chatting with Armin. He's almost done putting on his shoes when he hears Jean comment on Mikasa's eyes and how they're the color of onyx. And something takes over him before he can control himself. He spits :
"Her eyes are not even black, dumbass."
"Um, yeah, they are Yeager." Jean scoffs, frowning. He seems surprised to see Eren step into this conversation. He, who's usually uninterested when they discuss girls.
" They're not, horse face. I would know. I've known Mikasa my whole life." Eren doubled down, standing up, his shoes now entirely tied.
"Please do tell us then what color her eyes are, if not black." Jean challenges with a smirk.
'They're a dark charcoal gray, well, most of the time anyway. In the sunlight, they're a lighter, almost blueish gray. Anyway, they've never been black. You've just never seen Mikasa up close," he replies, his voice steady but betraying his smugness.
Eren smirks, satisfied with having successfully shut up Jean and the boys. Until he looks around and realizes they were staring at him knowingly. Like they all shared a secret, only he was not privy to it.
"What?"
"Nothing," Jean snorts, "Just can't believe how oblivious you can be."
"What does that even mean?"
One of the recruits chimes in: "Well, most people don't exactly fret over their friend's exact eye color, is all."
Eren frowns: "I'm not following."
Connie chuckles slightly: "We're just saying it's kind of weird how defensive you get whenever any of us mentions Mikasa."
"It's because you were wrong."
"Oh, so it wasn't because Jean over there was fawning over, and I quote, Mikasa's gorgeous midnight black eyes like the simp that he is."
"I wasn't fawn-" Jean mutters, a light pink decorating his cheeks.
"Yes, you were," Connie interrupts.
"I just think it's dumb how half of you are lusting after a girl you barely know. It's annoying as fuck. She's my best friend, so excuse me if I don't exactly enjoy hearing locker room talk about her. Especially about how she was born with the beauty of a princess and the strength of a whole regimen or whatever dumb shit one of you spilled like ten minutes ago." Eren seethes.
Armin put a calming hand on Eren's shoulder: "You know, Eren, Mikasa is lovely. That's nothing new. It's weird for me, too, as her friend, but as long as they're not being disrespectful about it, I don't see a problem with it."
"Well, speak for yourself, don't do that shit in front of me. And some advice for all of you: avoid doing so in front of Miks because she might be more patient than I am, but she punches way harder than I do. I would know." Eren states before leaving the changing rooms.
He heads for the dorms; they only had half an hour before lunchtime. Then, they'd have a meeting about their next expedition out of the walls. Armin followed in tow.
"Eren, do you want to talk about what just happened out there?"
"I don't see what you mean," Eren says as he opens the door
"I've never seen you react quite like this before to some innocent comments about Mika."
"Well, if you think their intentions are innocent, Armin, you're more naive than I thought."
"Oh, come on, they were respectful, and you know it."
"Only because we were there, you know how boys are."
"We are boys, Eren."
"You know what I mean. We don't see her like that."
"We don't?"
" Do you?" Eren asks, his heart suddenly racing. He had never considered the possibility of Armin liking Mikasa in that way, but after all, it would make sense, wouldn't it?
Armin smiles at the horrified look on his friend's face: "I sure don't... You, on the other hand..."
Eren freezes for a few seconds. Was Armin implying...
"Don't go there," Eren mutters.
"Eren, you used the words charcoal gray to describe her eyes. You. I didn't even know you knew different nuances of gray."
"That's insulting." Eren frowns. "And so what? I've known her for about six years. Of course, I've looked into her eyes before."
Armin shakes his head slightly in disbelief: "So you wouldn't mind if Mikasa started dating someone," he asks, putting his dirty training clothes in a basket.
"Mikasa doesn't date," Eren scoffs.
"Oh, really? Did she tell you that?" Armin asked, raising his eyebrows slightly.
"Well, no, I just know she doesn't. You know how Miks is. She barely speaks to anyone who's not Sasha or us. And she's not interested in romance. She's focused on our mission. She's here to be a soldier, not to play house like some of these idiots."
Armin rubs his face with his hands in frustration and mumbles, "I can't believe you're so blind." He sits on his bed and pats the space next to him. Eren sighs and rolls his eyes, but complies.
"Look, I'm not trying to trouble you. I just think you should reflect on why you got so irrationally angry at the boys. You act very strangely when it comes to her sometimes, is all I'm saying."
" I do not."
"You told her to cut her hair after Jean complimented it, which is insane, by the way."
"Okay, Jean obviously gave you his version. I told her to do it to avoid odm gear accidents with her hair." Eren insists, brows furrowed.
"Yet most of the other girls manage just fine."
" Well, it's not like I exactly care about the other girls here," Eren grumbles.
Armin points towards him: "My point exactly."
"She's my friend," Eren answers, confused at the turn the conversation took.
Armin ignores him: "Don't give me that excuse, I know you're a possessive little shit."
Eren's mouth dropped open: " Take that back."
"You hate it when her attention is on anyone else."
"That's crazy," Eren burst out, his ears reddening. He got up abruptly: "This conversation is ridiculous.
Armin sighs: "Calm down, I'm just saying you should reflect on that, I didn't mean to confuse you."
Eren exhales. He tries focusing on his breathing to not lash out at Armin the way he tended to do: "Don't worry, you didn't. Mikasa's a friend. I'm doing this out of worry."
"Worry for her?"
Eren chuckles slightly: " I worry for them, she would kick their ass in an instant."
Armin laughs goodheartedly: "You're right," he says as they leave the dorms to join the lunchroom.
As they enter, they quickly spot Mikasa at their usual table. She's sitting up straight, the posture of someone hyperalert, trying to hide it. It's reminiscent of the way Captain Levi stands, as if always waiting for battle. She notices them immediately. As their eyes cross, Eren takes a second to double-check. Just as he thought. Dark charcoal gray. He has seen those eyes go through so many emotions over the years. The grief they held that first night he saved her life. The exasperation when he got into useless fights, the joy they display each time they reunite, now again.
She smiles tightly in that way of hers, restrained and guarded. He smiles back instinctively. She is the prettiest girl he's ever seen, he admits to himself reluctantly. She's pretending to listen to Sasha rant about the lack of meat that has been constant lately. She nods faintly. Her eyes meet his again, probably because he's been staring for a few seconds at least.
"Eren, you should have a piece of bread," Mikasa says in that soft, mild voice that you wouldn't expect from someone as strong and assertive.
He thanks her and accepts. She seems surprised. He can't blame her. He's not always fair with her. He knows that. He tends to react brashly when she gives him advice, especially when it comes to training. But Eren can't help but feel small next to her. He knows he's nothing special. His determination is the sole reason he made it this far into training. Mikasa, on the other hand, is brilliant.
Poised, precise, tactical. Agile way beyond the level that's expected of them. Eren would never admit it out loud, but he's jealous of how easily it comes to her. She's everything a soldier would aspire to be.
Meanwhile, he barely made it out of sheer persistence. It's hard not to feel envious, but he tries not to let it affect their friendship. Still, he finds himself being curt and irritable without meaning to. He's working on it.
They eat and listen to Armin ramble about his theories on the outside world, and it feels so familiar that he could almost picture the three of them back in Shiganshina. Before the wall was breached. Before their lives changed forever. He feels a pang in his heart at the thought of his parents. Especially his mom.
Mikasa must sense something in his silence because she discreetly taps his hand with two of her fingers. A signal they had made up years ago when she first moved in with his family. A silent way to ask "Are you okay?"
He smiles and nods, the movement barely detectable to anyone who wasn't her. Instantly, her whole demeanor softens, her eyes softer as she goes back to eating. How undeserving he is, he can't help but think of someone so careful with every one of his reckless emotions.
Connie breaks his thoughts in his usual boisterous tone: "Hey Mikasa, Eren said something interesting today."
There's no way he was bringing their conversation up in front of Mikasa. What was he even thinking?
"Shut up, Connie," Eren warns, as his fork clatters more loudly than he would have wanted; people at their table now all turning to watch him.
"What is it, Eren?" Mikasa asks, not minding Connie, as the man in question gasped at being ignored so casually.
Eren merely mumbles something along the lines of "nothing" before Connie intervenes again: "See, Eren here said that you don't date."
Eren watched Mikasa through his lashes, suddenly wary of her reaction.
Mikasa is usually pretty level-headed, but she can also have her fits of rage when Eren steps over the line. Speaking in her name might cross some boundary.
That's the thing about Mikasa, she's so in control most of the time that it's hard to decipher what goes on behind the blue-gray of her eyes. Unless her fist is in your face, then the message is clear.
"And?" Mikasa asks as she takes a sip of her water.
Eren straightens up, hearing the disinterested tone in her voice.
Connie goes on: "Well, is it true?" he asks, seemingly not picking up on Mikasa's lack of enthusiasm.
"We're fighting a war, Connie," Mikasa states in her matter-of-fact tone.
"That doesn't stop a lot of people," Sasha says, her words deformed as she munches on a piece of bread.
"Well, Eren's right, I don't date."
Eren can feel his jaw relax, relief washing over him. Probably because he knows he didn't get Mikasa mad with his meddling.
"That's such a shame, though," Christa said, her voice sweet. "A lot of the boys did ask you out."
"Out to where anyway?" Eren couldn't help but step in, "It's not like we're getting days off anytime soon."
"Chill, Eren. Christa was just saying, " It's a shame Mikasa isn't having fun." Ymir states, a smug smirk on her face.
"Can we drop it?" Mikasa asks, in a monotone voice, "I'm not interested in dating; Eren was right. I'm here to fight and to keep him alive."
Eren feels a tinge of annoyance at her answer. He doesn't get why Mikasa thinks she still has to watch over him.
He wants to be able to protect her for a change. Which might be ridiculous, because Mikasa is leagues above him in strength, but still. He doesn't want to be a burden in her eyes. He wants to be her equal. Still, a conflicting sense of pride rises inside of him at the thought of knowing Mikasa better than anyone, still.
"See, I told you so." Eren can't help but add, staring pointedly at Connie and Jean. Jean rolls his eyes and goes back to his food.
"I mean, we all know the only guy Mikasa..." Ymir starts before receiving a piece of bread square to her forehead, the speed with which it collides with her face surprising in its strength. Eren looks towards the culprit, Mikasa, of course.
"Okay, message received, I'll shut up," Ymir seethes. "Damn, I forgot how crazy you can get," she adds, rubbing her forehead and wincing. Had it been anyone else, she would have picked up a fight. But there's no winning against Mikasa.
Eren is confused; it's not like her to lose her cool so easily. He doesn't feel like asking her directly, though. She seems upset enough. Though no one but him and Armin could probably tell, her usual impassive face only betrayed in the slight pucker of her lips.
He leans over, whispering to Armin: "Hey, what was that about?"
He sighs: "Nothing, Eren. Mikasa is probably just worried about training."
Which makes no sense, but Armin sucks at lying unless the stakes are life or death, so he's not surprised. He looks over at Mikasa, who attempts to smile at him, but it's too tight, her eyes too dull. He spends the rest of lunch annoyingly fixated on whatever upset her. That is stupid of him, considering he should be focusing on the meeting waiting for them in a few minutes. He exits the lunchroom in a hurry, not waiting for Armin and Mikasa, hoping it would help him forget the whole ordeal.
As he heads up to the meeting room, Jean catches up to him.
"Great, just what I needed," Eren thinks bitterly.
"What do you want?" Eren asks, stopping in his tracks.
"Relax, Yeager," Jean mumbles. "I guess I wanted to apologize for what happened back there." A few seconds pass. "Well, not really apologize, but I'm sorry it made you uncomfortable, and I get it," Jean adds.
Eren eyes him warily, trying to determine if he's honest or trying to pick a fight, because, contrary to popular belief, he's not always the one to stir up conflict between them.
"Okay, thank you, I guess, just don't do that shit in front of me."
Jean chuckles: " You're so lucky and yet so oblivious, Yeager."
"What do you mean?" Eren frowns, arms crossed against his chest.
"Mikasa, she's so devoted to you. Do you know how many guys would kill for loyalty like that?"
"We've been friends for years, that's-'
"That's not what I mean, and you know it," Jean says, deadpan.
"It's not what you think," he insists.
Jean nods slowly, pensive expression on his face, as if debating what to say next. Eren fails to understand why he feels the need to meddle in his relationship with Mikasa. Why's everyone trying to make it what it's not? Mikasa doesn't see him like that; she spends her time treating him like he's her responsibility, her little brother, or her damn kid.
Jean speaks up: "Well, if it isn't for you, it's definitely like that for her; everyone can see it. She practically worships you, dude."
"She treats me like a child half the time, and what does that even matter? We're in a war, remember?" Eren spits.
"She acts like that because she's scared to lose you, and I know deep down you know it. Anyway, what I wanted to say is I hope you'll grow up and grow a pair soon enough. Because you're gonna end up hurting the one person that doesn't think you're annoying as hell."
"Shut up, Kirschtein, I told you, you don't know anything about her." Eren bristles. Feeling an unexplainable rage taking over him.
"Hey, calm down. I'm just saying, contrary to a lot of those other guys, I work with Mikasa pretty often. I care about her. She's not just a pretty girl to me. I'm just telling you to be careful with what she gives you. The loyalty, the attention, maybe you should give some back, unless you want to lose her."
Eren frowns, a lot of confusing feelings mixing together in his head. He doesn't like the idea of Jean caring for Mikasa that much. He hates knowing that he paid so much attention to her. Armin might be right; he might be a tad possessive with his friends. So what? Anyone would be possessive over Mikasa, who's so good to him, as Jean pointed out. So caring and attentive and yet so strong and capable. Fuck Jean for trying to tell him how to deal with that. But also, he hates to admit that something in what he said resonated with him. He'd rather die than admit that, though.
"You just want her to yourself," Eren scoffs half-heartedly, no real heat behind his words.
Jean let out a stifled laugh: "Maybe," he says, taking a few steps in front of Eren, "But at least I have the guts to admit it." Jean adds, turning back to look at him before taking off entirely towards the meeting room.
Eren tries to forget their conversation throughout the day.
And yet, as he closes his eyes, he's haunted by the sight of charcoal gray eyes with tints of blue glowing underneath the sunlight.
As he wakes up the next day, he thinks to himself that it might have been his favorite color in another life.
Maybe it's his favorite in this world, too. But the world is too cruel for him to ponder over gentle eyes and hands of steel.