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For most days that Liu has been awake, he never knew if it was supposed to feel like he was asleep. His life blind to the world, his family almost like a joke on himself and his whole world. For most days that Liu had been awake, he was watching himself from the side. From an angle. His body another person, his mind not his. It was easy that way. He didn’t have to say a thing. He didn’t have to get along with anyone. His body did it all for him. It wasn’t his voice answering his mother, his father, his brother. He didn’t think he liked them all that much. But there, here he was, saying things and doing things that felt like it came from somewhere inside himself, even if it wasn’t clear. Pouring maple syrup over pancakes from the microwave. Their home was normal. Everything was normal. The kitchen table with faux marbling, the humming fan from the stove top because someone burnt their toast, some coffee machine still hissing despite it having finished its brew.
He was happy there, wasn’t he? He couldn’t tell. He felt immature, childish, and out of control. Jeff sitting next to him at the table and himself bickering over something. Some nonsense like always, something fun. Sometimes it felt like he was younger than Jeff. Despite being older, despite being the one tying his laces and making sure the idiot did his homework, he never felt like he was older. And the times he did, he felt foolish for it.
That light in the kitchen and the beep from down the hall was buzzing in his head and making him swirl in disgust and nausea. He was back in the moment.
“Motha fuckaaaa,” Jeff was shoving his fork into Liu’s face, and Liu stole the whole fork from him as he got up, dumping it in the sink.
“I’m fixing that damn alarm,” Whoops.
“Ey! My fork, you motha fuckaa! Uncle fucka!” Jeff began singing something from that show that they were watching last night, the 10 PM broadcast on… what was it called? Adult Swim! …No, it wasn’t adult swim.
Liu shoved down the knot in his stomach with a huff and the drawer rattled with a swing open, the utensils jumbling as he looked for the case of batteries their mom put in there for some stupid reason. Her and her damn rules. Liu headed down the hall and ignored the bathroom as he pulled open the stepping ladder and climbed up, his arms reaching out for the nuisance that made that grating chirp.
A sense that his hands were puzzled as to how it should be opened or how to hold it had caused Liu to feel something burning in his organs, since when was putting a battery inside this thing so fucking hard?
But back in it went. And he got down from the steps, and his mind went ahead to create the image of sticking a fork in Jeff’s growing out hair and watching him untangle it like Ariel's thingamabob? That’s stupid.
At the doorway back into the kitchen, Jeff already managed to ruin the coat Liu had lent him. Of course he did. I didn’t like that one anyway, so it’s good. Liu anyway said, “why do you eat like a fucking toddler, how bro? I just washed that, we just started eating.”
Jeff paused his disgusting eating habit of trying to shove the whole flap-jack like it was a burrito down his gullet and stuck his tongue out at Liu, “says who? Look at your plate bro,” and he bore his teeth like a smug brat.
Liu saw his side of the table, his plate, empty of his breakfast, “You f-” Oh yeah, I finished. Did he? Did Liu already finish?
“You threw away my fork,” Jeff took a bite out of his disgrace of a pancake, all of the butter and syrup getting on the sleeves. Liu didn’t know if he wanted that coat back at this point, “so don’t blame me, biatch.”
This fucking thirteen year old is pissing him off. Biatch! And now he feels fine, calm even. Amused, “Yeah, alright biatch.”
And Liu was back to sitting inside of himself, doing and saying things, his brain its own entity, his body following whatever script is there, and Liu assumes he’s having fun. Sticking napkins into Jeff’s coat collar and stealing bites of his breakfast straight from him, messing with his matted head of hair and making fun of him.
Liu was stuck watching himself having fun. And this was fine. If it took him away from the things he didn’t want to know, that he wanted to forget, that was fine. …He would have liked it better if Jeff took care of the things he let him borrow. That was his favorite coat after all. And knowing their mom, the fat-stains would never come back out. Not with the rusty well water of this old place. Maybe we’ll have a swing at the new house. Liu sighed to himself.
“What? Why are you sighing?” Jeff was giving him that weird stare as though Liu was offending him.
“What? Nothing, something stupid.” Liu grabbed the glass of juice from the table, when he had gotten this glass of juice was out of his mind.
“Oh, something stupid? Fucker- I was talking to you, I’m sorry I’m so fucking boring, asshole,” having some sort of hissy fit.
“What?” Whoops.
“What? What? Is that all you’re gonna fucking say, huh Liu? Piece of shit, fuck you, I was being vulnerable asshole!”
I said what what, in the butt, god fucking dammit, “Uh, sorry.”
“Nuhh sorry nuhh, drinking my goddamn orange juice too, go die.”
Liu was grinning and then took a sip out of the juice. Why the hell was he so damn impulsive? He should not be smiling.
“Son of a, don’t drink it all! Fucker, that was the last of it!”
“Your fault for not finishing it, vulnerable asshole.” God, can Liu shut up? For once Liu, just shut the fuck up. But Jeff was grinning himself now and they were both smiling like dopes over it. “So waddja say, Jeff? What were you talking about?”
Jeff, winding down from the excitement sunk back into his chair, “nothing. You didn’t hear, so you don’t get to hear it.”
Liu could feel his stomach twisting, but he was smiling anyhow, “Come on, tell me, say it, don’t be a baby,” despite the fact he was whining. It was weird.
“Fine! Stop being annoying, shit,” Jeff was smiling too. It felt natural. He took a moment to gather himself, “I said that I don’t want to go to a new school because everyone hates me.”
I don’t hate you? “What? What are you talking about?”
“Nevermind, fuck you,” Jeff was about to stand up, but Liu pulled him back down to stay seated at the table.
“No no no, not “fuck you,” what makes you think that? It’s a new school, no one can know you to hate you?” They don’t know what they’re talking about.
Jeff sucked on the cuffs of the jacket to get the syrup out, toothing the fabric and making Liu cringe at the sight. But he was muttering into it, “all they need to do is look at my dumbass ugly, ratchetty ass face. No one fucking likes it. Then they go and say some stupid shit like “look at Woods over there, you sure his name isn’t compensating for something” and I go and beat them down to shit, and then they all run the fuck away from me. And I’m the biggest baddest motherfucker on the playground, but you know what? They all fucking hate me. The teachers, these dumbass fucking kids, I can’t even get someone to want me on their fucking team. They all hate me.”
So what? I like you, you’re the coolest little brother ever? Liu wasn’t about to say something like that, Jeff might take that as condescending, “Who cares about those jerk-offs? A new school means no dumbasses like that. You don’t have to beat up any new faces who think they're hot shit at the next school. I’ll take care of it.”
“That’s not the point, Liu.”
Was that not? “So what is it? Friends? Dude, you know how weird it is that I actually like being your older brother? Most kids don’t like their siblings. If that doesn’t tell you anything, I will: you’re the shit. You don’t take shit, alright? You’re gonna find people who get you one day.” Ew, this is getting too sappy… But it’s important. He should know that.
“...Whatever.”
“Yeah, say that now, but anyone giving you shit doesn’t get to like you, get it?”
“Okay, okay, jesus fuck-nuggets, you’re being weird." Says the kid who unironically says fuck-nuggets, what does that even mean?
Liu patted his shoulder, and impulse took over him to give him a noogie, “Look at my little baby brother getting all cwanky,”
“Fuck off!”
Liu never felt like he was in his body, or exactly doing what he meant or wanted to. Saying things he didn’t mean to say. Being an embarrassment. But sometimes it worked out well. He could see it on Jeff’s face and he could almost see it on his own as they cleared the table and headed outside, the rental truck waiting to be filled with boxes needing to be packed. It’ll be fun, I hate this house anyway! Liu might’ve. He isn’t sure. Something to do with the bathroom fan. The beeping in the hallway. He’s fine, he’ll probably miss this place one day. He’s only fifteen, so of course he will when he’s older. Probably.