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The doctors gave me this notebook to journal in. They said writing with my good hand would strengthen it, and that getting my thoughts and feelings down would help with “processing.” And I don’t have to show it to anyone if I don’t want to.
I don’t really care, but I guess it’s something to fill the time. I have too much of it nowadays since I’ve been stuck in this stupid hospital room.
Why did
Couldn’t it
I wish
There hasn’t been much to do. Reading is boring, and I can only sleep so much. They’re not even letting me do schoolwork since it’s “too much of a stressor,” so I’m really getting desperate for SOMETHING. Especially something productive. I’ve never been able to sit still before, I’ve always had something to do, but now I just don’t. I hate it. I hate it so much.
The only times it gets a little better is when people visit, because at least it’s something new. Something from outside this room besides the doctors.
My parents, obviously, but they just try to tell me to focus on getting better and stuff. They act like it was all their fault when it wasn’t, and being the center of all that guilt just makes me sick. I can’t just tell them that, though.
Sayaka visits, too. She’s better than my parents, at least. She brings gifts and stuff mostly. Chocolates and flowers and cards. It’s kind of annoying that she doesn’t bring anything more permanent or substantial, but I guess it’s fine if it means that she comes back. She also just kind of hangs out sometimes, which is nice usually, but she really just doesn’t have anything interesting to say. We’ve known each other for ages, so there’s not much she can tell me that I don’t already know. Just the same things every time. But filling the time is filling the time.
I like it when Hitomi visits. She doesn’t bring anything, but she talks a lot, and it’s always something new. Being popular means she knows all the latest gossip and drama and the smallest little details of everything going on. It’s way better than any book, and it’s definitely what keeps my attention the longest. I wish she would come by more often.
My hand is getting tired. I’m going to stop for now.
Dear Diary,
Kyosuke ended up in the hospital from an accident :( His main hand is really messed up and he can’t play violin anymore for now. It’s so awful!!! He doesn’t deserve that…
I’ve visited him a few times since and he’s just so down all the time. It’s really sad since he used to be so confident and driven. It’s what I always admired about him. But now he’s stuck in that one little room without his life’s passion. I feel so bad for him!! I wish I could visit more, but I’m just so busy with everything Mother has me doing :(
I can tell that Sayaka has taken it really hard too. She’s been visiting him all the time and it’s obvious just by looking at her or talking to her. I think she feels bad that she can’t do anything about it. It’s probably worse, seeing someone she’s liked so much for so long drained like that. She’s known him for longer, but I like to think that I know him better, and it’s hard for me too. But it doesn’t matter how WE feel, it matters how Kyosuke feels, so I try to do what I can, even if it’s not much.
School has been harder lately. Or maybe I’m just distracted by what’s been going on… but I swear math wasn’t this hard before! Why are there letters?? Where did those come from?!?!
Madoka has been helping me out at least. I don’t know if she gets it fully either, but we can usually get through everything if we work together! She’s really such a good friend. I don’t know what I did to deserve her. Honestly, I don’t know what anyone could do to deserve her. I hope Sayaka keeps protecting her from all the jerks out there.
Oh, it’s time for tea ceremony lessons! Until next time, diary!
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
Apparently a new student transferred back to our school today. Homura Akemi. Hitomi told me about her. Apparently she’s kind of weird. Really cold, but fixated on Kaname. Sayaka definitely wasn’t happy about that part, according to Hitomi.
I believe her. When Sayaka came by, she was less agreeable than usual. I could tell she was thinking about something. Probably got pissed off by Akemi. She’s always been protective of Kaname like that, ever since we were kids.
I don’t blame her, though. Akemi pisses me off, too. I heard about her, how she was also in the hospital for a long time because of a heart disease or something, but she suddenly miraculously recovered.
“Miraculously recovered.” What a load of crap.
What did she do to deserve that? From what I gathered, there was no one waiting for her. An inheritance paid her medical bills, but she lives alone. Based on what the doctors and Hitomi said, she didn’t have any particular passions or anything. Didn’t even have friends. But now she’s free and back to normal life. And she’s wasting it on being a jerk.
I would do anything for that kind of second chance. ANYTHING.
I want to get out of here. I wish I could scream. But all that would do is get the attention of the doctors who can’t even do anything.
At least it sounds like Sayaka gave Akemi a piece of her mind. It’s the least she could do. Sayaka might not get what it’s like, but at least she knows what’s right. I think she always has. It’s a good thing, I think.
I’m just so frustrated right now. But I guess this journaling thing does help. It’s kind of exhausting, though.
One of my friends called sleeping a “free time skip.” I think he just plays too many video games, but I suppose he’s not wrong.
Dear Diary,
Ever since that Akemi girl transferred in, things have been weird. I think her weirdness must have rubbed off on the world! That’s a thing, right? I’m sure it’s a thing.
First off, Sayaka and Madoka have suddenly become a lot closer in the span of an afternoon. They left me out of something important! I know I’m busy a lot of the time nowadays, but that’s not my fault!! We’ve always been three peas in a pod, but now I’m wondering… have I become a third wheel?! Oh no, I have, haven’t I!
I think I’ve seen them with an upperclassman too. Mami Tomoe, I think? Which is weird because I didn’t know they knew her. I don’t even know her that well, and I know everybody! Is that Tomoe girl making them do stuff with her? Is she blackmailing my friends???? I didn’t think she would be the type, since she looks so prim and proper, but looks can be deceiving!
No, no, that’s silly. Just me thinking of manga tropes.
Unless…?
No, stop it! No wonder Mother doesn’t want me to read those manga… maybe I should listen to her. I’m sure that Sayaka and Madoka are friends with Tomoe for a perfectly respectable and normal reason.
Which means…
Well, I’ve always rejected every boy who’s confessed to me since I care more about my friendship with Sayaka and Madoka, but if they’re leaving me behind… maybe they don’t value my friendship as much as I do theirs? I don’t like the idea, but they HAVE been kind of avoiding me lately…
I never thought this would happen. I thought all three of us would be best friends forever. But I guess that was childish of me to think.
Why is everything so hard all of a sudden?
I’m gonna go practice piano.
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
I’m angry again. Or, I guess I never stopped being angry after Akemi. But now I’m angry for a different reason.
Sayaka brought me a CD and had me listen to it. THAT CD, with THAT song. I get that she was trying to be nice, and I appreciate that she’s trying to be a good friend, but couldn’t she have thought just a little more? Making me listen to the most potent reminder of everything I’ve lost and can’t do anymore, and then trying to make a sweet moment out of it…
I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it, but it’s sickening. I can’t play the violin anymore and it’s like she’s waving it in my face. I wish she would just think a little more in general. She has so many admirable traits, but she just doesn’t THINK. And I don’t know if anyone would even be able to get that through her thick skull.
I know I’m being cruel right now, but I’m just frustrated and upset. And it’s not like anybody’s going to see this anyway, so I can be as cruel as I feel like being.
I try to put up this front of being unaffected and cheerful and optimistic even though it’s so obvious that everything’s over, but I just couldn’t anymore. It’s getting more and more clear that my hand is never going to get better. That CD was just the breaking point.
Maybe I should apologize. It’d be the right thing to do. Sayaka would.
I’ll try to remember next time she comes by.
Dear Diary,
Sayaka and Madoka aren’t hanging out with Tomoe anymore. I haven’t seen Tomoe since then, actually. Sayaka and Madoka have been really down since she stopped coming to school, so I’m betting that something happened. Did they have some kind of really bad friendship breakup, maybe?
Or… a really bad not-friendship breakup? Scandalous!! And almost 100% not what happened. Probably. I think. There goes my dumb conspiracy theories again…
I mean, there’s always the murder theory. But that DEFINITELY didn’t happen. Sayaka might if push came to shove, but Madoka would NEVER. And also it makes no sense. Even the breakup theory is more likely than that, and that’s SUPER silly!
Even though Tomoe hasn’t been around, they’re still hanging out more with each other. They keep avoiding me still even though they’re both clearly upset. They’ve snuck off to the rooftop for a heart-to-heart at least once and I’m sure there’s other stuff that I just haven’t seen. So if they weren’t avoiding me because they replaced me with Tomoe as their third trio member, what happened? What IS happening? I feel so out of the loop! I’m never out of the loop!!
If it’s possible, Akemi got weirder, too. She’s been staring at Madoka and even Sayaka a lot more than before. I can’t tell what the look she gives Madoka is, but for Sayaka, it’s definitely some sort of hate-stare. A glare, even. It’s just so hard to get a read on Akemi though that I think anything I speculated would be flat-out wrong.
Shoot, the history exam is coming up! Wahhh, I need to study!! Save me, Diary!!!!
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
[There is a noticeable improvement in handwriting.]
I’m healed.
I don’t know what happened. The doctors don’t know what happened. But I don’t care because I’m HEALED. My hand is still a bit weak since I haven’t used it in a while, but I’m writing with it right now. I can feel my fingers and move them and use it like nothing ever happened.
They said I can start my rehabilitation soon as long as this keeps up. I get it, but they ran all the tests and everything’s perfectly fine, so I really just want to start as soon as possible. There’s finally a shot I get out of here intact and I’m not going to waste it.
I’ll get to play the violin again. Some part of me lost hope, but things are really looking up.
Whatever god made this happen… Thank you.
Dear Diary,
Last night was so weird. I know I went out, but I don’t really remember anything..? Which is weird, because I don’t ever go out that late, and I DEFINITELY don’t do anything that would make me forget what I did! I’m a proper young lady!! Ugh, so weird… I just really hope it doesn’t happen again, because it is NOT an experience I want to repeat!
At least Sayaka showed up to school looking really happy. Madoka still seems worried, but I’m just glad that Sayaka seems to be cheering up after whatever happened with Tomoe. I don’t know what made her upset in the first place, and I know even less what made her so happy now, but I’m glad. I’ve been really worried, so this is definitely a weight off my shoulders. I love Sayaka, but she always tries to shoulder burdens and take everything on herself, and it’s so difficult to help her when she never wants to be helped. So I’m glad that something or someone helped her in a way I couldn’t.
Both Sayaka and Madoka… I have such selfless friends, huh? Sayaka’s always willing to fight for others and Madoka is always willing to help others. That’s probably what they were doing with Tomoe, now that I think about it, and they probably got upset because they couldn’t help her the way they wanted to. And maybe Madoka still couldn’t, but Sayaka did? I don’t really know since they’re still being weird about me, but that’s my best guess.
They’re such good people. And… I don’t want to take advantage of Sayaka’s selflessness. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice her happiness for mine. But the same is true for me—I shouldn’t just have to stand idly by and sacrifice MY happiness if she’s not even going to do anything.
I know she likes him. And I do, too. But I care more about my friend than a boy. I don’t really know what to do… I guess I’ll think about it a bit more.
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
I played the violin again.
Sayaka came and wheeled me up to the roof where everyone was waiting. I forgot to apologize to her in the rush, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m healed and she listened to me play, and I PLAYED. My fingers obeyed me and I still played even though I was a bit out of practice.
It was incredible. I was on top of the world with every bow stroke and vibrato. Each perfect held note, and even the ones that were just a hair out of tune. The rising crescendos and fading diminuendos. Everything I had missed so much had suddenly come back to me. I still have to finish my rehabilitation, but I don’t think it’ll take long.
They’re right when they say that you never really know what you have until you’ve lost it, and never again will I take this for granted. I have my life back.
It’s a miracle. I don’t know what else to call it. It’s simply a miracle.
Whatever I did or didn’t do, with what happened, it was worth it for this.
Dear Diary,
I think I must have been wrong, or it was just a fluke, since when Sayaka came to school today, she wasn’t happy anymore. Not at all. She didn’t seem sad and downtrodden like before, though, she seemed angrier. Dour, I think is the right word. Maybe a bit contemplative. (See! I can use vocab words!) None of her normal quips or teasing or anything.
I think her grades have been slipping, too. Sayaka’s always been pretty sporty, but she’s still been conscientious about her schoolwork for the most part. But today I saw her almost fail the last quiz when our scores got handed back. It didn’t even look like she cared, either. She just silently stared at it and put it away in her bag like it barely even existed. Like it wasn’t over a twenty-point drop from her usual scores.
The weirdest part is that I would have expected her to still be happy. I heard that Kyosuke made a sudden recovery, which is AMAZING! I’m really happy about it, and I’m super excited to see him back at school. I’m happy, and I would think that Sayaka would be practically over the moon. Maybe that’s why she was so happy before? It makes sense that she would know before me, even if she didn’t really talk about it. But Kyosuke didn’t relapse or anything, and his rehabilitation is going well as far as I know, so I don’t think whatever has Sayaka upset again is related to that unless I’m missing something again.
I feel like, at this point, I need to do something. Say something. But I’m scared. Am I a bad friend if I talk to her and try to get her to open up about something she doesn’t want to talk to me about? Or am I a bad friend if I just sit back and do nothing because I’m worried I might hurt her? Or both? Or neither?
Maybe I could ask Madoka? It seems like she knows what’s going on. But I don’t want to push her too hard either, especially since she’s just seemed so SAD lately. It’s so hard to watch. And honestly, I don’t know if that girl could keep a secret for the life of her, so I feel like if she knew more, she would have already told me, at least on accident.
I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could just make up my mind and do what’s right like Sayaka always can.
She’s so
I’m so
I still have so much to think about…
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
I’m almost done with my rehabilitation. My hand healed so thoroughly that there hasn’t really been much to do besides just strengthening it back up a bit, which I’ve been going at it with everything I can. It’s not like I have anything else to do, and all I want is to get it to a point where I can leave the hospital.
I think the doctors said if I keep up the pace, I might be discharged within just a few more days. I’ll do them one better—I’ll go even faster. I haven’t really said much to anyone about being discharged so soon since I don’t know the exact date, but anyone important I’ll just see again after I get out, so I don’t think it matters that much. A nice surprise or something.
My parents have done a total 180, which is honestly such a relief. I couldn’t stand the pity for any longer. They’re back to being supportive and everything. Doesn’t hurt that there won’t be anymore medical bills, either.
I’m going to get to go back to school soon, which I never thought I’d be so excited for. I’ll be able to see all my friends again and attend class, and participate in holidays and events, and resume my music lessons. If I’m going to participate and even have a shot in that upcoming competition, I’ll have to go full throttle on the violin again to make up for the time I’ve lost. It’ll be hard, but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Oh, and I guess there’s this journal itself. After I leave I don’t think I HAVE to keep writing in it, but I might anyway. It’s kind of become a habit and it doesn’t hurt anything. It just keeps strengthening my hand, if anything, and I’m trying to do whatever I can for that without overdoing it.
I’m kind of antsier than ever, though, knowing that the end is so close. I’m so ready for this nightmare to just be over with.
[There is a rough musical score sketched onto the next page. It vaguely resembles the piece “Modlitwa dziewicy.”]
Dear Diary,
Today at school was really weird. Or, I guess it was just a mixed bag? Either way works.
I’ll start with the good news: Kyosuke’s back!!! He surprised everyone by showing up out of the blue today. He’s just been so happy, and that joy is really just so infectious. It made me smile so wide that my cheeks ended up hurting. I really missed this Kyosuke, this lively and passionate Kyosuke. Today made me remember why I like him so much. I fell in love with him all over again, and I can’t deny it anymore.
I’m in love with Kyosuke Kamijo. There, I said it! Or wrote it… Whatever!!!
It’s so awful, though. Out of all the boys that like me, why did I have to like the one that one of my best friends also likes? The boy who Sayaka has been lovestruck by for years now, ever since we were kids?
And Sayaka… she wasn’t here today. She must have been sick or something since Sayaka never skips. I tried to ask Madoka and she said she didn’t know either, but she looked so worried that I feel like she must have somewhat known at least part of what was going on.
The worst part is that I kind of felt relieved when Sayaka wasn’t there and Kyosuke was. Which is SO AWFUL, I know, but it was nice, in a way. To not look at her and see so much pain but know that I can’t help her because she won’t let me. To instead be with a boy that makes me blush and giggle and feel that sort of wonder that I’ve never felt before.
I can’t ignore this anymore. I can’t keep these feelings bottled up inside me or else I’m going to explode. I have to say something, but even if something’s been going on with her lately, I owe it to Sayaka to give her the chance first. I hope she does it, stands a challenge in the face in that special Sayaka way, and I hope she’s happy.
And if not… it still sounds awful, but I’d rather one of us be happy than neither of us, stuck in this limbo of love.
I’ll tell her tomorrow.
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
Today was my first day back at school. It was incredible. I never thought I’d miss teachers and lectures and homework, but I did. And obviously all my friends, too. It was so great to see everyone again, especially outside of that hospital room. I’m still using crutches, but it doesn’t bother me that much since I’m mostly sitting down anyway.
And Hitomi… it’s nice to be able to see her again more consistently. I know she always had to take time out of her busy schedule to come visit me, so it’s nice to not have to keep burdening her like that. Maybe she’ll still keep me updated on all the drama even if I’m back?
I did notice Sayaka wasn’t there, though. It was odd. She’s normally very punctual and rarely ever misses, since she doesn’t skip and her immune system is pretty strong. I couldn’t tell if she’s been gone for long or if it just happened to be today. I’m guessing it’s the latter, but I forgot to ask anyone about it. I hope she’s okay. I think she would have liked to be here today.
Everything is so busy again, but I’m really relishing it. THIS is what life’s all about. Living and doing things, not wasting away in a bed. Not stagnancy.
Keeping this short for today. I need to go practice Ave Maria.
Dear Diary,
I gave Sayaka my ultimatum today. She looked really surprised, but also kind of… resigned? It was a really complicated kind of look that I don’t know how to fully make sense of.
I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I used to think I would know my best friends well enough to guess their next moves, but now I’m not so sure. Both of them have been up to something without me and they’ve changed so much that I don’t know if they’re the same girls I grew up with. I mean, we all change, obviously, but so suddenly? Or maybe that’s normal and I’m the one missing something? I’m just the same old Hitomi I’ve always been… is that a bad thing?
Obviously I gave Sayaka that ultimatum for a reason, because I want things to change, but honestly, I really hope she goes for it. It would be good for her, I think. And even if she’s with him and I’m not, it would still make me happy to see Sayaka happy with the boy she likes and still be my friend. It would be the best of both worlds. I’d be a bit sad, of course, but I’m sure I’d eventually find another guy. I have plenty of options, but there’s only ever been one boy for Sayaka, and that’s Kyosuke. I’m willing to give that up for her anyday.
But if she doesn’t… well, no one can say I didn’t try. Nobody can say that I didn’t lay out all the cards and give her the best chance I could. Then I’ll confess to Kyosuke, and maybe he’ll say yes and we’ll be together. If that does happen, I hope Sayaka will still be my friend and won’t hold it against me. I was totally transparent, and I gave her all the chances I could, so it’s not a betrayal, I don’t think.
But he could always say no. And if that does happen, I hope Sayaka will be there to comfort me in the face of rejection. I hope that she and Madoka will talk to me again and we’ll go back to the way things were. Just three girls against the world, with no transfer students or upperclassmen or boys in the way.
Is it selfish of me to want that back? To try to hold on to our childhoods and keep things the same when everyone else is apparently ready to change?
But I guess if things are changing, then I better be ready to change along with them.
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
I think I have a girlfriend now? It’s kinda surreal, so let me back up a bit.
Since I didn’t have any issues two days ago, I was good to keep going to school yesterday and today. Yesterday was pretty normal, really not much to write home about. Sayaka was back, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. That’s about it, though.
But today was different. Sayaka was gone again, but Hitomi came up to me and said she had feelings for me and asked me out. I was honestly shocked and caught really off-guard, since I had no idea that she liked me that way, let alone that she was planning on confessing to me. I didn’t really think I was a hit with the girls, since I’m usually so focused on something else, let alone such a popular girl like Hitomi.
So I didn’t have an immediate answer for her. I hadn’t even considered thinking of a response to any sort of confession before. I hadn’t ever considered the idea of having a girlfriend. So I had to ask myself if I wanted to go out with Hitomi.
I don’t think I’m super close with any girl, but if I had to choose… I do think it would be Hitomi. She’s the one I could see myself enjoying the most time with and actually liking to be around. Because I DO genuinely like talking to her and being around her. And she understands my other commitments since we’ve known each other for a while now. I think it could really work out.
With all that in mind, I said yes. We have a date tomorrow at the mall. I think that makes us boyfriend and girlfriend? But I’m not exactly the most well-versed in this kind of thing. Am I supposed to dress up or anything, or just go as I usually do? Maybe I should ask some of my friends who already have girlfriends.
Maybe I’m not cut out for this romance thing after all. But there’s a first time for everything, so I guess I’ll give it my best shot.
Dear Diary,
Me and Kyosuke have been a couple for a few days now. I think it’s been going well! Our dates have been fun and we’ve been enjoying our time together. I’ve been happy. I don’t know how to describe it, the warm fluttering in my stomach. LIke that, I guess!
But… Sayaka’s gone missing. She’s been missing since the same day, actually. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or if it’s directly connected. It’s been obvious that she’s been struggling with something outside of all this romance stuff, so is it related to that? Or has it all just been piling up on her, and this is the last straw? Oh god, did I push her over the edge?
Madoka’s clearly been worried sick. I can’t tell if she knows where Sayaka is and just can’t help her, or if she’s just as in the dark as me this time. I’m scared to ask her. I’m scared to wonder where Sayaka is. Did she run away from home for some reason? Did she get kidnapped by some nefarious schemer? Is she involved in some crazy conspiracy that’s been taking over her life and it’s finally gone off the deep end???
Or did she end i
No! None of that!! Sayaka is the strongest girl I know, and she wouldn’t worry us all like this for long. She’ll come back soon with apologies and perfectly reasonable explanations and everything will go back to normal again. I just know it.
So, in the meantime, I won’t worry about her. I won’t waste my time fretting about a guaranteed outcome. I know my friends, and I know that Sayaka will come back safe and sound. So I’ll just keep living life as always, because it’s just another normal day in a normal life.
Yours,
♡ Hitomi ♡
Sayaka’s funeral was today.
It came as a shock, really. I knew she was missing, everyone did, but I didn’t think it would end up like this. They say that the odds of missing people being found safe decrease exponentially after the first 24 hours, and Sayaka’s been missing for weeks now.
But it didn’t feel real. It felt like she would come back and life would go on. Sayaka’s always been there, and I didn’t even consider that she might not always be. I always thought that she would just keep being around. And if that wasn’t true, I figured it would be a gradual change, not something so out of nowhere. Certainly not this.
Apparently they found her body in a hotel room. No one knows how or why she was there, and they couldn’t find any cause of death, either. No wounds or organ failure or internal issues or signs of toxins. It’s like she just… stopped being alive all of a sudden.
The memorial was hasty. No one expected to have to do it, I don’t think. Or at least didn’t want to acknowledge the possibility. I can’t blame them, considering I was the same way. But it was nice, I guess, for what it was. I’ve never been to one before, so I don’t know, but… do they always feel so hollow?
Hitomi’s been devastated. Sayaka was one of her best friends, and I don’t think Kaname is doing any better, but I don’t know her well at all. I’ve been trying to comfort Hitomi, but I don’t think I’ve been doing a very good job. I’m no good with emotions or comfort or anything. I think she blames herself, though, for some reason. I don’t know why—it’s not like she had any part in Sayaka disappearing.
We don’t even get a moment to breathe, either, since they’re saying something about a crazy storm coming in tomorrow. Apparently it’s so bad that we have to pack up and get into shelters before it hits.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to handle this, any of this. I know I wanted things to change, but not like this. Not Sayaka. Not her.
I guess I already knew that the universe couldn’t care less about our feelings. With my hand, I could at least hope for a miracle, which I somehow got. But even miracles can’t bring back the dead.
And Sayaka Miki is dead.