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Meredith Grey was jealous. It wasn’t the subtle green-eyed monster that poked out when she saw a happy little kid with both parents out to dinner. It wasn’t the causal envy she had for her friends either; Izzie for her unwavering optimism, Cristina for her unaffected drive and motivation, George for the picture-perfect happy family he grew up with, and Alex for his anger outlets. This was more of a consuming jealousy. It was the kind that controlled her thoughts when she was ordering coffee or filling out patient charts, the kind that manifested a big giant knot in her stomach, the kind that turned her blood hot and angry.
It was the result of being heartbroken. Derek Shepherd choosing Addison Montgomery was devastating, especially given how high Meredith’s hopes were. After all of the negativity Derek had spouted about his wife, she was almost positive he would choose her. When he didn’t show up to Joe’s bar after her big confession — and instead, she spotted him and the aforementioned She-Devil at the nurses station as she slowly made her rounds the next morning; his arms wrapped around her from behind, pressing a kiss to her temple, as she read a chart on the desk, both grinning like they’d just won the Harper Avery Award — she’d fallen into a spiral of depression.
People tried to help. Richard tried to put her on Burke’s service more. Izzie and George threw nightly dance parties. Cristina brought over tequila. Alex handed off a few good surgeries to her. The nurses smiled pitifully, and even Bailey sympathetically gave her a leg-up by picking her to scrub in on an important surgery.
Derek did this thing, and Meredith didn’t know if it made her hate him or fall for him all over again, where he sent her apologetic looks every once in a while. But most of the time, he acted polite and cordial and avoided her. Addison just avoided her altogether, and Meredith knew she had this perfect life going on meanwhile. Addison was a double-board certified neonatal surgeon and a gynecologist in one. She had a social life to maintain, an old life back in New York, and a husband to tend to.
The husband that should have been Meredith’s.
It made Meredith sick to her stomach. Every time she saw them together, the anger and the jealousy would return. Each time she saw Derek brush a hand against his wife’s shoulder in the halls, a pang radiated throughout her chest. Anytime she heard a snippet of the gossiping nurses conversations about the happy McDreamy and McHottie, her stomach churned.
And they were just everywhere.
Down every staircase: Meredith had been racing to pick up lab reports for Burke, in the midst of a competition with Cristina on who got to scrub in with him, and had chosen to take the back stairway rather than waiting for an elevator. She stopped short when she heard the giggling voices, nearly flying down the stairs from her halt. Peeking around the corner, she saw that it was indeed Derek and Addison.
Her back was pressed to the wall, navy blue scrubs clinging to her lean body. He had one hand resting on the concrete block beside her head, palm flat, and the other gripping her hip beneath her lab coat. “Addison Shepherd, you’re a naughty girl!” He said lowly — and clearly this was a private moment and Meredith was intruding, but she was frozen in shock — and leaned in to peck her lips twice.
She chased him when he pulled away, eyes crinkling and face lighting up all over again. When he held back completely, she rested her forehead against his shoulder, shaking with laughter. “Derek Shepherd, you’re such a pain.”
“But I’m your pain,” Derek had retorted, and Meredith squinted her eyes as his hand traveled from her hip to her shoulder. For a few silent moments, they stayed like that. Their laughter died down and they remained in that intimate pose. He ended up pressing a kiss to the side of her red hair before speaking again. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Whatever,” Addison shrugged, tone light and high. It was a rarity that Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd was soft. People were used to seeing her as somewhat regal: head high, fierce determination, power walking with her ruby-red heels. To see her turn into a mushy girlish mess and giggle like a teenager with Doctor Shepherd was an incredibly uncomfortable transition for Meredith. She’s sure Izzie would marvel at it though, considering how close she’s been getting with the She-Devil. “What time are we leaving?”
Despite the stabbing urge in her gut that tells her she has every right to do as she pleases after the pain they’d caused her, Meredith feels slightly guilty for overheating this. It feels sort of like an intrusion. She’s watching them now causally discuss their domestic (McMarried) life together, and it’s probably doing more harm than good to her.
“Seven, eight at the latest. I’m hoping everything goes well with Mrs. Blake,” Derek responds. Meredith chances another look at them. But when she goes to turn the corner, the key card she’d been holding to get into the locked staircase doors fumbled and slipped through her hands. She scrambled to pick it up, scraping the plastic against the concrete by accident. Instantly, both Shepherds had whipped around. “Dr. Grey?” Derek asks, and looks more confused than she’d been when his wife showed up in the lobby.
Meredith’s eyes flicker from him to Addison. Confusion is gone and she just looks sad. How can she possibly be sad when she’s the one who is McMarried to McDreamy and living Meredith’s supposed-to-be McLife.
“I have a surgery,” Addison sighs, and it’s about as soft as she’ll ever willingly speak in front of an intern. Meredith fights to not physically cringe when her hand brushes Derek’s arm. She does avert her eyes when he leans in to press a kiss to her cheek. Between them, they share a look. Their eyes say everything, and Meredith wishes she had that. When Addison looks back, her entire demeanor shifts. “I know for a fact your attending did not send you to loiter in stairwells, Dr. Grey. If you want to be a surgeon someday, you’re going to have to be quicker than this.”
Without another word, she pulls open the door behind her leading to level three and her heels click their way out of there. Meredith feels embarrassed. She hadn’t intended to spy on them. But at the same time: why were they engaging in that type of activity where anyone could walk in?
(And she knew that she was being totally biased because she and Derek used to make-out in this exact corner where they thought privacy was a given.)
When she looks up at Derek again, he isn’t confused anymore. He’s looking at her with a mix of apologies and that ‘no time for funny business’ look he gives all other interns. “Dr. Grey. . .”
That’s the beauty of it. He doesn’t know what to say. She makes him lose control of his words.
“Forget it. . .” She snaps out harshly, because she’s frustrated with McDreamy and McHottie and their McLife together. Following Addison’s route, she pulled open the door and slammed it shut behind her.
She avoids staircases whenever she can now. Waiting for the elevator seems like a better idea.
In every on-call room: Meredith had spent the past thirty-two hours working on major incoming trauma surgeries. She and Bailey had been running all over the place, jumping in to help wherever they could. Everyone was on edge when they heard about the supermarket’s roof falling in and injuring nearly eighty people. Cristina and Burke had barely left the operating room for a minute. George and Izzie had set up a minor injuries station with a few other nurses for stitches, small wounds, and non-emergent cases. Last Meredith had heard, Alex was scrubbing in on an emergency c-section with Doctor Montgomery. Considering a roof had fallen in, Meredith guessed Doctor Shepherd was also going to be backed up until next week.
When the chaos had finally died down and Meredith was bone-aching, mind-numbingly exhausted, Bailey ordered her to get some rest in an on-call room. She chose the closest one, too tired to change floors or even drive herself home to her own bed. She wanted to crash right there on the hallway floor but Bailey had practically shoved her in the other direction. The on-call room bed did sound nice though.
— Until she walked in on the two people she least likely ever needed to see again in her lifetime.
Doctor Shepherd and Doctor Montgomery. McHottie and McDreamy. She-Shepherd and Shepherd-Shepherd. Derek and Addison.
He was sitting on the edge of a bottom bunk, while Addison appeared to be curled up on it. The only indication it was her was the red hair splayed across the pillow. Her eyes were closed, but she didn’t look like she was asleep.
“Sorry. . .” She sighs, when Derek turns to glance at her. Addison didn’t even flinch at the door opening. “I didn’t. . . I can just go.”
She turns to go, but Derek’s voice stops her. “You’re fine,” he says, and she turns back around. He’s twisting the cap off a water bottle, not even looking up from Addison’s figure. “There’s not many free beds left. We’ll be out soon. She just needed a minute.”
“Is she okay?” Meredith asks, despite not really caring on a personal level or even wanting to know. But on a professional level, if she looked a bit closer, she could see that Addison was paler than usual with a bit of sweat on her forehead.
At her question, Derek sighs and reaches a hand out to rest on her hair. He doesn’t just stroke it, but runs his entire hand through her red waves. It gets her to shift, but not much else. He frowns, and his blue eyes are filled with so many emotions Meredith can’t detect them all. “She and Karev performed an emergency c-section on the pregnant woman from the supermarket crash. The baby didn’t survive.”
Before Meredith can even register that, she hears a sharp intake of breath. Derek startles at it, so it must’ve been Addison. And as much as Meredith liked to think the She-Devil was a stone cold bitch, she can’t imagine losing a patient (an infant, no less) wasn’t going to have some type of affect on her.
“Sit up for me,” Derek murmurs, low and soothing. His hand leaves her hair to trail over her back. “You need to drink something, Addie.” With encouragement, Addison manages to slowly shift into a sitting position. At the sight of her pale, sweaty, tear-stained face, Meredith feels once again like an intruder. Addison looks absolutely miserable. “Here, take this.”
Derek hands her the water bottle and she shakily brings it to her mouth. While she takes slow sips, he brings his free hand up to tuck strands of hair behind her ear. Neither one of them even glance at Meredith. It’s like they’re off in their own world, unable to see past each other.
“There you go. . .” He encourages, and screws the cap back on when she’s done. “Isn’t that better?” She shakes her head, and he gives her a sympathetic smile. “I know. . . We’re going home, I promise.”
Addison doesn’t verbally respond and Meredith feels the doctoral concern fading away. It’s replaced by an angry envy. Addison had Derek, despite all of her past mistakes, taking care of her — and yet, she couldn’t even form sentences?
When Derek stands up, he looks surprised to see her standing there all over again. Almost like he forgot she was even there. That hurts, but Meredith tries to ignore the sting. She also ignores the churning of her stomach when she has to watch him guide Addison out of the bed as if she’s a child, pressing a kiss to her temple as they go.
“I’ve got you,” he says, when Addison wobbly stumbles a bit. His arm catches around her waist, pressing into navy blue scrubs. Addison leans against him, and Meredith remembers what it feels like to lean against his strong and firm build. He was her steady rock in the withering storm, and now he’s playing that part for Addison. Meredith wishes he would play that part for her again. “You’re alright, honey. We’re gonna get you home, change into some comfy clothes, and order some takeout. Does that sound okay?”
As if she’s an invalid, all Addison does is nod against him. She looks weak and frail and it’s a little scary to see someone normally so poised in this position, but Meredith is too stubborn to let go of her anger and her jealousy.
She does avoid going into on-call rooms as much as possible though. She’d rather take the bus home. Or she makes Cristina scope out an empty one first.
In the bathrooms: All she wanted was to wash her damn hands. She didn’t want to walk in on what she’s pretty sure she walked in on. Two sets of shoes under the big stall door. One is classic black attending shoes that make it easier to run in, and another is a familiar pair of red heels. She tells herself she wouldn’t have noticed. It’s not like she’s actively seeking them out. But as soon as she had opened the door, she heard the hushed voices and the shoes were a pretty clear indication of who it was.
“Would you just hold still?” It’s Derek’s version of a whisper mixed with a chuckle. There’s shuffling, and then Meredith can hear a click. “Seriously, honey, just hold still. It’ll only take a second.”
Meredith’s brows furrowed in confusion. Just what are they doing in there? Still holding the door halfway open, she glances to the exposed half of the other four stalls and is almost appreciative no one else is in there.
“It’s going to hurt!” That’s Addison’s voice, as clear as day. “Just hurry up and do it already!”
“I would if you stopped moving,” Derek says again, but he sounds more amused than frustrated. He actually does chuckle a few seconds later, after a sharp intake of breath is heard. “There. . . All done! Now you are free to go back to work and stop being grumpy.”
She hears more shuffling and what sounds like a kiss — Derek’s lips pressing to Addison’s cheek, no doubt. She rolls her eyes in disgust. How could they do this sort of thing in the bathroom? Especially a public one that families of patients and other staff often use.
“I’m not grumpy.” Addison’s tone betrays her. But instead of the cranky tone she takes with Alex after a long day of difficult patients and surprising surgeries, she sounds more whiny and childish than anything.
Another kissing sound. “You totally are — but if you cheer up, I’ll have O’Malley run to the taco truck for lunch.”
George had been on Derek’s service for the past few weeks. Cristina was a self-proclaimed cardio-whore, Addison had been giving Izzie special treatment since she arrived and had just recently grounded Alex into her service for backtalk. Which meant that Meredith was essentially a scut-monkey. She sometimes scrubbed in with Burke, Webber, and Bailey; but she was mostly doing consults and lab checks and scans.
“You know the way to my heart,” Addison says, and she sounds a little bit happier. There’s more shuffling before the inevitable happens. “Ow! Jesus Christ, Derek!”
He laughs again. Not just a chuckle. But a full and hearty laugh, one Meredith has missed. “I’ll rub it for you when we get home.”
“Can’t come quick enough,” Addison grumbles, and Meredith can see the red heels propelling forward. She’s screwed. Totally utterly screwed. This is about the tenth time she’s intruded on one of their moments. Jesus is not on her side with this. In an impulsive movement, she lets go of the door and practically leaps toward the stall at the opposite end. If she locks herself in quick enough, they won’t know it’s her because all interns wear the surgical shoes Webber provided them with. Luckily, the door slams shut just as she makes it to the end. She tries not to make the latching sound louder than it needs to be, hurrying to hover over the toilet so it looks like she’s sitting down. “Stop it, Derek. Someone’s in here.”
Meredith cringes, wishing she had chosen a different bathroom.
“Let’s go then. . .” Addison chuckles at his high-pitched voice. “Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd.”
She hears more giggling. More shuffling. The sound of a stall door unlatching. Shuffles to the sink. Running water, soap dispenser, hand dryer. Even more shuffling. And finally, the heavy door is pulled open and closed again.
Meredith tries her hardest not to look in the stall they were just in. She doesn’t want to know what they were doing in there. But when she goes to throw her damp paper towels away after washing her own hands, she spots the box in the garbage: hormone treatments, IVF.
The shot and cap is also in there, and Meredith stares at it for a solid eight minutes. The Shepherd’s are having a baby? Derek and Addison are having a baby? They’d been married nearly twelve years — eleven before Meredith met them.
In all that time, they’d never had any children. Derek briefly told her they wanted to, but establishing a steady career came first. They couldn’t provide for a family if they didn’t have jobs. Izzie mentioned something once about Addison not being able to have kids (of course, that was only after Cristina made a snarky comment about Addison’s maternal instincts being bogus because she didn’t have any children of her own), but she tried her best to not even mention the She-Devil’s name in front of Meredith.
Whatever the explanation was, Meredith didn’t really care for. She’d had those stupid little fantasies that every girl did when a boy loved her for the first time, but she’d never seriously considered having children — not with Derek or anybody for that matter. She was still young and inexperienced.
But Addison was older. She was already McMotherly with younger patients. She was McMarried to Meredith’s McDreamy, living her McLife, and having their own McBabies. That sent a tiny (very large) pang through her chest and all she wanted to do at that moment was stuff a McChicken in her face to stop herself from tearing up.
She can’t really avoid the bathroom entirely, but she does try to use the single-stall one on the fourth floor whenever possible.
They were even at Joe’s — which, to be fair, Meredith didn’t own the bar. Addison and Derek had probably been drinking for longer than she’d been alive, and the bar was a public place. Joe was friendly, especially to the doctors he’d known for years beforehand. Meredith secretly praised herself on the fact that she’d known Joe a few months longer than Addison, but Joe still treated the She-Shepherd the same way he’d treat Bailey or Burke.
So now Addison was in her McBar too, where Meredith was usually able to let her hair down and relax with her friends. She could knock tequila shots back with Cristina, gossip over said She-Devil with Izzie and George, and dance wildly with Alex to no music. So, yes, in a way it was her territory and Addison was stepping all over it.
— Quite literally, she was tipsy after a few glasses of some butterscotch concoction Joe made up just for her. At the table she stood near (which included none other than Richard Webber, Miranda Bailey, Tucker Bailey, and two new people, apparently named Savy and Weiss, from Derek’s old life in New York, according to Izzie), she was leaning back into Derek’s arms. They even looked McPerfect together: around the same height, in shape and fit, and complementing outfits.
In outfits that were completely different from their typical casual wear Meredith had witnessed, Derek wore a pair of blue jeans that sent a jolt to her core when she’d first walked in and a white tee; while the Devil Incarnate herself wore a pair of black leggings with a pink button-up flannel. She swayed in Derek’s arms, apparently being trapped there after he’d had to wrangle her off the dance floor. But they still were beaming, bright and big. Every couple of seconds, Addison would take a sip of the water Savy was offering to her, and then turn her head into Derek’s shoulder like a little kid. Meredith then suffered through watching him press a kiss to anywhere he could (her nose, her cheek, her chin, her forehead) and turn her back around. He even swayed with her, keeping her steady on her feet.
It was torture. Meredith had wanted all of that just six months ago.
“She’s not doing anything wrong, Mer,” Izzie says, from where she’s perched half on Alex’s lap and half off her own stool. Just like Derek and Addison, these two are making Meredith sick with their lovey-dovey acts. “It’s just a bar.”
“A bar that I go to with my friends pretty frequently!” Meredith groans and downs another shot of tequila. “I’m not saying she can’t go to bars. I’m just saying. . . why does it have to be here?”
And Meredith already knows why. It’s because this bar is closest to the hospital, which is where Addison works as an attending because she’s better than Meredith at doctoring too. It’s also a small distance away from the trailer, which Meredith knew she loved way more than Addison ever would. Besides, this is where her friends were — and Meredith was even a little bit jealous of that. She knew it was purely due to ranking and age. But Richard adored Addison as if she were his daughter and Bailey defended her to anyone who dared to badmouth her. Even Savy and Weiss seemed pretty nice. Meredith liked her friends and appreciated their support, but Addison’s social circle seemed so much better in comparison.
Addison’s everything seemed so much better in comparison. Meredith craved what she had.
She craved someone taking care of her drunk self, making sure she didn’t trip over her own two feet on her way outside, just like Derek did for Addison.
Derek did a lot of things for Addison, Meredith gathered pretty quickly. He was an extremely dutiful husband, despite all the claims that’d been made about him being absent. Every time Meredith saw him (which only seemed to happen in the most unfortunate of moments), he seemed to be attending to his wife.
Sometimes when Meredith was waiting at the coffee cart, she’d see Derek order something so-totally-completely unlike his taste, and felt the sinking feeling in her gut when she saw him approach Addison with a cup of hazelnut coffee or peach tea later that day. And sometimes he’d order two lunches in the cafeteria — mostly poutine or chicken tenders for himself, but always a garden salad and brownie for Addison — and then he’d subtly tell Burke he was heading up to eat with his wife.
He held open doors for his wife. He carried her briefcase for her. He handed her charts and picked up her lab reports. He always prioritized her consults for patients over anyone else’s. He watched any surgery of hers that he possibly could, always hovering by the voice-machine in case she needed something.
He even once instructed Karev to “go easy on Doctor Montgomery” one day because she was “up all night with a stomach bug.”
Whenever Meredith spotted them at Joe’s, he brought her refills of drinks and onion rings. According to Cristina (she told Meredith and Izzie this as she laughed her ass off), ‘Shepherd even keeps hair-ties on his wrists when he’s not in surgery because Montgomery always forgets them.’ It just makes Meredith sad. If Addison had stayed away, Derek could’ve been doing all of these things for her instead. But realistically, she knows it’s not as simple as that.
And deep down, she knows that Derek isn’t ever coming back to her. But there’s still a little part of her that likes to hope.