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A collective sigh echoed through the LSPD’s meeting room as the exhausted members of the force took their seats for the daily debrief. Chief Serpico looked over them with tired but proud eyes and cleared his throat to get their attention.
“Great work today, everyone! I would say the baby shower and beach party were a full success and we stopped any crimes as best as we could. I know we are all tired but I have one more little something that I want to do today before we hand over the shift to the night crew. Remember the practice chase we had the other day? Who is up for another one right now?”
Eyes previously clouded by exhaustion lit up with a new excitement as the members of the LSPD straightened up in their seats and began enthusiastically shouting over each other. Serpico chuckled and quieted them back down with a smile.
“Lovely, I knew that would bring back your sparks. Now, last time it was me playing as a criminal, but we all know these gangs out there, especially one in particular, have way more talented drivers than I could ever hope to be. Therefore, I say we let one of our best take over the runaway role today, what do you lot say?”
A murmur ran through the room and Omi raised his hand.
“Why don’t we let Chase do it? He is one of the best drivers, if not the best, and I feel like he always does well in real chases and doesn’t need as much practice as some of us do!”
Approval and compliments flooded from every direction and Serpico turned to the redhead, expecting a smug grin and immediate excitement at the prospect of being able to drive as fast and recklessly as he wanted. Instead he saw the color drain from the man’s face.
“N-No. Absolutely not. Omi, you’re just as good, or Hillby and Shelby can do it”, Chase said in a strained tone of voice.
Green eyes were hidden by shades as they always were, but if anyone had taken them off at that moment, they would have seen nothing but panic and dread swirling in emerald. Chase could already feel his breaths becoming shorter at the mere thought of being chased in a car pursue and desperately willed his hands to stop their slight shaking, clutching them together in his lap.
“Nah mate, I think you deserve that honor”, Shelby answered fondly and came over to give him a friendly clap on the back, not noticing the flinch underneath it. “Don’t start being humble now, McCarthy, doesn’t suit you”
“No, I really don’t wanna be the one driving away, can't Omi just do it?”, Chase tried again and prayed to every entity he didn’t believe him that the green-haired man would just take it.
“Last time I was in the passenger seat with the Chief, I really want to practice this time. Come on man, we won’t catch you too quickly, don’t worry. Even if we do, no one will hold it against you, it will just mean we have gotten better!”
Sweat trickled down his neck as Chase fought to keep a full-body shiver down. “No, guys, you don’t understand…”
His voice was drowned out by another chorus of encouragement and approval. Dread enveloped his entire being as he realized he was fighting a losing battle. The only way to win would probably be to just tell them the truth on why he could not bear the thought of being the chased one, as he knew they would let it go in a heartbeat then, but was he ready for that? Right here, right now?
No. The answer was no, so he steeled his nerves and swallowed down the dread as best as he could. He would power through this, he had to. It was just a practice chase, there would be no guns involved, he would hear his LSPD family on the comms and there would be nobody sitting in the car besides him.
Wait, Chief had Omi sit in the passenger seat last time, right?
He cleared his throat and shouted over the others, “Alright fine! But on the condition that I am alone in my car. Please"
Serpico looked him over with slight hesitation and concern in his eyes. “If you’re sure, fine then. Alright everyone, team up and get to your patrol cars. You’re free to join the chase or stay here, I just don’t want anyone aside from McCarthy to drive solo. Understood?”
“10-4”, the LSPD shouted and began running towards the garage with excited voices mingling together.
Chase stayed seated for a second and willed any and all unwelcome images from his mind, taking another deep breath before making his way towards the garage at a slower pace. He saw Nana send him a concerned glance from up ahead but ignored it in favor of calming his racing heart.
He was not in danger, no one would shoot at him, no one else would be in the car, it would be fine.
He would be fine.
It was fine.
Was it though?
The sight of his bright pink cop car greeted him in the garage and Chase shakily unlocked it, taking his place in the driver’s seat and running his hands over the steering wheel in soothing patterns.
The other cars around him started heading towards the exit and he dimly registered voices egging him on through the radio.
“Come on McCarthy, why so slow?”
“Scared you’re gonna lose your aura, 007?”
“You got this, Chase!”
“Right behind you, McCarthy!”
“They are right behind us, Chase!”
“Chase, I’m scared!”
“Chase!”
With a flinch he pulled himself back to the present. Parker’s voice echoed in his head and the scent of smoke filled his nose. His heart was racing in his chest and he could feel adrenaline pumping through his veins.
He needed to calm down.
Stay in the present, push down the past.
You can freak out about this later McCarthy, focus on driving now.
With another deep breath he put his car into motion and slowly made his way out of the garage, heading towards the front of the PD where almost every other patrol car was already lined up next to each other. Chief Serpico’s voice filtered in through the radio after he took his place at the front of the street.
“Alright, there you are, 007. Right, here’s the game plan, we give McCarthy a 3 second head start and then start the chase. 077 and myself will take primary, 055 and 083 will take secondary and everyone else will take tertiary. Give each other space and try to predict and box in. No ramming, careful with the pit maneuvers, this is still your fellow officer and I don’t want to see any serious injuries. Anything unclear or are we good to go?”
“10-4 Chief!”
“Good. McCarthy, just start driving when you’re ready. Try to give us a run for our money, will you?”
Chase tightened his grip on the wheel until his knuckles turned white before releasing a shaky breath and activating his radio.
“10-4”
He could do this.
He was not in danger, no one would shoot at him, no one else would be in the car, it would be fine. He was not in danger, no one would shoot at him, no one else would be in the car, it would be fine. He was not in danger, no one would shoot at him, no one else would be in the car-
With a growl he shook the mantra from his head and put the pedal to the metal, taking off into the night with screeching wheels. Serpico’s voice counted down the seconds before he saw the head lights that were getting smaller in his rear mirror start to keep up.
He could do this.
Give them a chase deserving of his name.
Keep calm.
He was not in danger, no one would shoot at him, no one else would be in the car, it would be fine.
Comms were shouted as he took turn after turn, focusing only on his driving and keeping his thoughts locked away in a box at the furthest corner of his mind.
He could do this.
They almost lost sight of him and he slowed down the slightest amount to let Omi catch up when he saw no more cars in his rear mirror.
When the lights suddenly came from left and right, turning around corners he did not expect them to turn from, his breath seemed to freeze in his lungs.
Headlights turning on all around him, the flash of steel as guns were pointed at them. He had to get out, why did he turn left, why did he not trust his gut, why was he so stupid?! He needed to get away, he needed to keep Parker safe, he needed to go!
Go.
Go.
GO!
The streets were a blur as Chase recklessly sped through them with no regards to any of his usual neat maneuvers, instead drifting haphazardly in tight turns and grazing one too many light poles on his way.
Any words said to him over the radio were drowned out by the pounding of his heartbeat and his panicked gasps for breath.
He must have been going faster than they expected him to go because soon there was no sight of lights following him, but Chase did not dare slow down. He needed to get as far away as possible. They could not catch him, he needed to protect Parker.
Parker!
His eyes snapped over to the passenger seat as the smell of smoke once more filled his senses and found dull green eyes staring right back at him, all their usual spark drained from them and tainted by the bright red of his younger brother’s blood filling them slowly.
Chase blinked through the tears swimming in his vision and the image was gone. He quickly glanced back to the road and cursed when he saw he was heading straight for a wall at neck-breaking speed.
Slamming the break he turned his steering wheel fully, hoping to spin out of the way at the last second, purposefully aiming the car so in case he didn’t manage it, the wall would hit the left side of it.
He almost had it, but the rear left corner skimmed past the bricks and threw off the car’s balance. Chase fought with all his might to keep control, fighting a losing battle as he slammed front-first against a house on the opposite side of the street, his seatbelt straining against his chest to keep him from flying forward.
In the aftermath of the deafening crash noises, Chase sat in the driver’s seat, chest heaving, shades skewed on the bridge of his nose. Smoke emerged from the hood of his car and this time the smell didn’t only reach him through memories but reality itself.
He stared ahead unseeingly, lost in a torment of his mind’s creation. He knew that if he looked to the right, he would see those lifeless green eyes again, staring right at him, accusing him, taunting him, faulting him.
The same green eyes as his mother’s, avoiding his own set of them as she tried for a smile but with every hesitant glance she threw his way he could see it. She did not see Chase Connor McCarthy, her own son, standing right in front of her. Instead she only saw her youngest son’s killer.
Chase clutched at his chest desperately, lungs screaming at him to breathe, breathe, BREATHE! But no air filled them and the world spun around him.
The faint sound of voices cut through the fog clouding his mind and he dimly registered his car door being yanked open.
“Chase! Oh my god, are you alright? Chase!”
Slender but firm hands gently grabbed his head and turned it so he was facing in the person’s direction. Through his blurry vision he could make out familiar blue hair framing a sharp face. Nana.
She touched his sunglasses and moved to take them off, causing his heartbeat to speed up even more. Chase desperately clutched at her arm and frantically shook his head.
Nana nodded, not questioning it, and adjusted the glasses on his face before gently reaching around him to unbuckle his seatbelt.
“Alright, the glasses stay on. I need you to breathe for me, Chase. Come on, deep breath in, deep breath out”
Chase tried to focus on her blurry figure and soothing words but the stormy sea in his head kept pulling him under. A hand firmly clutched his and laid it against warm skin. He could feel a chest rising steadily underneath his palm, a strong rhythm of a heartbeat clashing with his own shaky melody.
“In and out Chase, you got this. Come back to me now”
The repeating words of that familiar voice cut through the waves and fresh air finally made its way into his lungs after what felt like hours of suffocating.
“That’s it, you’re doing great. Just focus on my heartbeat and breath, nothing else”
Over and over again, with all the patience in the world, he was guided back into a somewhat steady breathing pattern, the tremors shaking his body receding and his vision becoming sharp once again.
When Chase felt steady enough to shakily extract himself from Nana’s hold, he looked up at her, leaning over him in an uncomfortable looking position to accommodate for him still sitting in the driver’s seat of his broken down car, and felt a deep appreciation for her run through him.
“Thank you, Nana”, he rasped out and got a small smile in return.
“Anytime. Can’t have you swimming in the ocean without your floaties after all”
She didn’t question the reason for his panic attack and simply helped him out of the car. The rest of the force swarmed him with worry and concern that he shook off to his best ability, but none of them pried too deep. He knew they would eventually, with all the tact and subtlety of a dumpsterfire, but he found that he did not mind the concept of opening up to them in time. Just maybe not right here, right now.
Tears gathered in his eyes once more as he stood on the dark street next to the crash site, surrounded by his family.
You would have loved them, Parker.
His tears were still hidden by his shades but he couldn’t hide the tiny smile filled with fondness.
And they would have loved you too.