Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Cas? CAS!" He heard Dean calling his name. He had to get to Dean. But what if the hunter couldn't forgive him this time? He had been warned, but Castiel did not listen. His blunder ended up costing his sibilings their grace and possibly their lives. Perhaps part of him didn't want Dean's forgiveness this time. The self hatred would be easier without Dean's forgiveness. He had already failed Dean so many times, how could he be useful now? He couldn't heal the Winchesters if they got hurt, he couldn't poof in out at as need be, he was nothing without his grace.

"Castiel, you stupid son of a bitch. Couldn't you hear me calling? Come here, man. It's all ok. It's all gonna be ok." Dean whispered as he pulled the fallen angel into a tight hug. "I was so worried when I saw the angels falling, Cas. I thought I'd lost you for good. Are you ok?"

But all Cas could say was "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."  So Dean just held the man tighter and let him cry. The hunter would be lying if he said he didn't cry a little bit, too.

"Dude, you need to sleep. Like, in an actual bed. Come on, you can stay in my room for now, until we figure something out. Kevin took the only room we had cleaned out." Dean explained as he walked over to help Castiel out of the oversized chair. 

"This chair is quite comfortable, Dean. I like it a lot." 

"Consider it yours, then. It's the best chair in the place. Great for reading or watching TV or anything really. It can be your spot now, though." Dean smiled at his dear friend. "But seriously, bed. Now."

It turned out, however, that since Cas wasn't used to sleeping, he was terrible at it. Dean was exhausted, so he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Unfortunately, he couldn't stay asleep due to Cas tossing and turning next to him.

"Man, you've got to get comfortable. Just...relax. Let it happen, man." Dean grumbled, pulling Cas into him. "Better?"

Cas snugged close to Dean, enjoying the warmth of having someone next to him. 

"Much." And they were both asleep in minutes.

Dean found that Cas's newfound humantiy was more difficult than he had anticipated. They had to buy him clothes and teach him to cook and shower and how to fall asleep sitting down without getting a crick in your neck. Sam let Dean do most of the teaching, because he could tell it made him happy to be helping Cas. The two spent a lot of their time talking nowadays, which was definietly an improvement on the past, but they mostly talked about Cas's problems: his guilt, pain, and confusion, but also his happier thoughts and newfound human emotions. So Dean was a little floored when Cas turned to him while they were watching Dr. Sexy and dropped a bomb.

"Dean, how is all of this affecting you? The business with Sam was al very stressful I know, and now this mess I caused. Again I seem to be the root of your problems and I want that to stop. So are you doing ok?"

"Man, I'm good. You know me, it takes a lot to break me."

"I do know you, Dean. That's the point. I have seen every piece of your soul, and I know exactly how much it takes to break you. I came to the realization earlier that I have quite possibly done all that I can to hurt you, but I never enteded it that way. I have done you wrong too many times and I want to make up for it. So I'll ask you again. How are you?'

"I... I've seen better days."

"What can I do to help?"

"Sit here next to me, hold my hand, cuddle with me, let me cook my killer burgers for you, don't nag me about my drinking like Sam does, be honest with me. Stay here. Live here with us. With me. Understand that when I said I needed you, I meant it, and it hurt like hell when you left. Understand that the fact that I have never stopped trusting you is a big goddamn deal, Cas, and you've broken that trust more times than is fair, but I've always known you mean the best by me and so I never had a problem forgiving you until this last time. I put myself out there in a big way and you left. I only wish I had forgiven you, so that you wouldn't hve met Metatron and he wouldn't have been able to trick you. So I feel more than a little guilty that your grace was taken, but I feel a hell of a lot more guilty for secretly being glad you can't just poof off whenever you want now. Now you have to stay and face the heat when the conversation goes somewhere you don't want. But most of all, I feel guilty that you even felt the need to fix heaven in the first place. I'm the reason your turned against heaven, and a big part of the reason your family was ripping itself apart in the first place. So yeah, I feel like shit. But waking up in the morning to you looking so damn peaceful next to me, or watching you when you're outside, looking at the bees, or the first time I saw you fresh out of the shower with messy wet hair and some of my clothes on? Those moments...they make the guilt and the regret more than worth it to me."

"I love you, Dean Winchester."

"I...I love you too, Cas."