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The cold water hit our skin haphazardly, drenching us till our hair was soaking and we could barely blink. It was dark; no lights were on, and the only blare of brightness was the moon, looming over our bodies. He shivered every now and then and so did I. But nonetheless- however much it felt like we could freeze at any moment, we didn’t. Because we were in each other’s grasp, not too close, not too far- just close enough for comfort, just near enough for warmth. I pulled away a few minutes later. He reached out, the tips of his fingers brushing against my skin so gently they may have not ever been there. The look in his eyes simply just asked,
Why?
It was only at that moment that I remembered what I had pulled away to get- soap.
We weren’t pampered in our district, so we made do with what we had. And what we had was enough for us- as long as we used it right.
Rather than a screaming conflict between oxygen and one’s lungs, the silence was a gentle sort of solace.
My hands lathered his hair with the soapy liquid, massaging his scalp and trying to find his tired eyes through the darkness of the room.
One breath.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Seven.
Nine.
Eleven.
Thirteen.
Our breaths devolved into one small sound. An utterance closer to a sigh than to the simple exhalation of air in a lung.
Then, a sentence through the dusk.
‘You’re such a sweet ruin.’
Is all he said.
Voice choked up, and words quivering softly as they escaped past his lips.
‘Would you be my ruin if I were yours?’
I whispered back into the fading silhouette of his body.
‘You’ll be the death of me.’
A sob echoed through the air, quiet in the way grieving is, but loud in the way years of repentance and anger scream when given the chance of letting go.
‘Would you be my life then? If I were to be your death, would you be my life? Would you be my opposite? Parallel to me in a world that would curve us further apart from each other? Would you be my first? And would I be your last?’
The voice speaking through the mist of the shower grew more urgent with every word. It got to a point where I couldn’t tell my thoughts from my words, and my voice from my heart.
‘Would you be the dawn if I were the day? Would you be the solace to my chaos? Would you be the hells to my heaven? Would you be the illness to my health, the poor to my rich?’
The next words were cried out.
‘Would you be my opposite? Once and forevermore?-would you be willing to be that?’
No reply was heard for minutes.
When I finally opened my eyes up to see his face, it was shadowed and streaked with tears. A look of both adoration and fear.
Undeniable, undoubtable, unimaginable fear.
His hair was barely long enough to cover past his eyebrows.
Two years ago, it was past his shoulders.
My hair wasn’t long enough to go past my eyes when we were twenty three.
Now it’s past my shoulders.
‘I’d be everything for you,’
‘But I’d also be nothing.’
‘My hatred stops me from loving you as much as I wish I could. My heart aches with the want to adore you from head to toe, restrained by my past. That I shaped.’
He was breaking apart in front of me. So what did I do?
I outstretched my arms.
‘Don’t blame yourself for something you could’ve never changed.’
‘There’s no use in reminiscing on a life that was never yours.’
‘There’s no point in holding onto a past that’ll only keep you from experiencing your future.’
He leaned into my chest, going limp and letting me hold him. My arms wrapped around his upper body, hands pressing him closer to me.
His back was smooth and cold, my hands the same. All he did was sob as I continued speaking. And that’s exactly what I hoped him to do.
To cry.
To shout.
To scream.
To break apart in my arms and let me hold him together for once.
To trust.
‘It’s like staying in the same place that unchained cuffs used to hold you in,’
‘Just because you were put there doesn’t mean you need to stay there.’
‘Acknowledge that you’ve done wrong, but don’t force yourself to conform to something so low as unloveable just because you can’t forgive yourself.’
He looked up at me and immediately burst into tears once more, trying to mumble words through numb lips. I gently tilted his chin up and silenced him with a gentle kiss. It was light- far lighter than a feather could ever be. But it was there.
‘Because you’re more than everything in this world combined. You’re priceless beyond words. You’re higher than the heavens, you’re prettier than the most fragrant flower- or the most precious, shining jewel.’
He sniffed, holding onto me, his arms wrapping around my waist.
‘You really think so?’
‘No- I know so.’