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First of all, this is crazy.
The fact that I replay memories two decades old on an infinite loop in my mind.
They happen like film rolling and light projecting onto the inside of my skull—burning into—glowing onto? No, more like etching into the backs of my retinas, searing their way into my vision, clouding everything else, all the time.
I manage it by something like windshield wipers inside my brain, pushing the pictures aside long enough for me to make it through life sometimes.
The scenes happen one by one, with no filler scenes anymore, just glimpses into a past life I cling to like a lifeline. I can’t decide if it's pathetic or poetic.
Then the credits roll, and it’s just your name over and over again. Forever.
Like, I don’t even remember your face before that moment. I was flipping through a seventeen magazine in geometry and all of a sudden this hand — this perfect hand— reaches over my shoulder and points to the girl on the page.
“That’s my sister. She’s a model in California.”
I look at you like I do anyone else trying to take advantage of my naivety, and suddenly your face is all I see. The world narrows down to only us. Have we met before? I’m certain we have, but like, not in a way that feels normal. It feels more like cosmic certainty or laws of physics or something else I have no idea how to explain or the least amount of knowledge about.
The girl on the page has tan skin, and shiny chestnut hair with shimmery smoky eyeshadow adorning her eyelids.
“See the dark circles around her eyes,” You say, pointing to yours. “Just like mine.”
What came after that was a blur.
Somehow we ended up passing silly notes to each other. Was it on my pink happy bunny notepad paper? The one with that iconic millennial bunny that said, “it’s all about me. Deal with it.” I keep seeing it in my head connected to that moment for some reason.
“You’re bannanas” I passed it back.
“You spelled bananas wrong.” You handed it to me.
That year I learned how to spell it properly.
No doubt.
This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
I’d feel your feet against my heels, reminding me you were still there. And then I realized you were good at math. Like really good. And you were my savior.
You became the constant I looked forward to seeing in 4th? Block? 3rd block? Yeah, maybe it was 3rd.
And then one day, I turned around and blurted it out. “Do you wanna hang out sometime?”
You agreed. I don’t remember much else. Probably because I was seeing stars. I know you invited me over to your house. Now I wonder how you did it. Was it in a note? Did you ask me right then? Did we talk on the phone? It’s blurry now.
Time skips.
It’s a Friday night.
I knock on your door, and you walk me back to your room. It’s weird that we dated for a few months, and I still remember the layout of your house.
Your door was at the end of the hall on the left.
I just remember it being dark and candle lit. Like, WTF? Looking back now, you were a total romantic sap. You really set the bar high and kind of ruined it for everyone else.
We sat on the love seat next to your bedroom door. You played a blink 182 cd because apparently all of your music was “screamo” except a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD that would eventually surface too.
I haven’t the faintest clue what we talked about. I just know that I’ve never felt so comfortable around anyone so quickly.
And then the song came on.
The more time that goes by, I start to question if it was All the Small Things or First Date, because for some reason, they both feel like they mattered.
But I think my body knows.
A smile spreads across my face before my brain even catches up to the clash of cymbals from First Date hitting my chest like a firework. My heart races without my permission, like it’s reliving a moment on the cusp of something that bends time. It wasn’t just a song. It was writing our story right then and there, stretching it into infinite measures.
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that I'm probably gonna miss
Let's go, don't wait
This night's almost over
Honest, let's make
This night last forever
Forever and ever
Let's make this last forever
At the time, it felt like a sign. A whisper from fate.But now all I hear is the prophecy it was declaring.
Because that night really did last forever.
Remembering it feels like magic.
The words were the pulsar signal that sent me spinning into your inevitable orbit. All the while, your deep green eyes were pulling me in like planets—like gravity—or maybe black holes.
I was already too close to the event horizons, but I didn’t wait to be vacuumed in; I was willingly jumping into them. They felt endless.
That’s how I worked back then. Courage felt like something I could summon on command, to use before I might have chickened out.
Then my lips pressed to yours, and I felt it. The enormity of it all.
My first kiss.
But most of all, you.
♾️
I had no idea what I was doing, all I knew was it felt like I’d been doing it for a million years… like it was the easiest thing in the world, like the universe had been waiting its whole life for this one moment.