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“Dr. Abbot? Do you have a minute?”
Jack looked up from where he was pacing in the ambulance bay, dark eyes flitting over to find Dennis Whitaker standing just outside the sliding glass doors. There was something in the younger man’s face that made Jack stop, the anxiety that had been swelling up in his chest since he’d talked to Robby coming to the surface. “What’s going on?”
Dennis glanced over his shoulder, making sure no one was in earshot before he closed the distance between himself and Jack. Despite the height difference between the two of them, Jack realized for the first time that the kid had seemed broader than he was, his arms positively huge, and wondered what had happened to the scrawny, underfed thing that had come to the ER ten months prior.
“I was worried I wouldn’t catch you,” Dennis said, a thin sheen of sweat already apparent on his skin from the oppressive summer heat. “Someone said you had taken off already.”
“I got waylaid by one of the nurses,” Jack said, and he could recognize that Dennis was struggling with the same level of anxiety as he was, although he was clearly trying to suss out whether or not Jack had the same suspicions. He decided to throw a kid a bone. “What did you want to talk about? Mr. Knox?”
“Oh, no,” Dennis said, his Adam’s apple bobbing uncertainly in his throat. “It’s, uh… it’s Dr. Robby. I know you two are close. I just… I think something’s going on. I’m seriously worried.”
There it was.
An ambulance came pulling in and Jack put a hand on Dennis’s arm, bundling him over to the side where the nurses came out to smoke. He turned so his back was to the ambulance bay, blocking Dennis from sight and hopefully setting them up so they wouldn’t be interrupted. “What did he say to you?”
Dennis flicked his eyes uncertainly over Jack’s face, his loyalty clearly at war with his instinct, and seemed to dither for a moment before he spoke again. “He asked me to housesit for him, which… that part is fine. And then–” He turned beet red, rubbing at his mouth. “Well, I think he was trying to distract me, because he said that you do nude yoga, but… he followed it up by saying that if he didn’t come back, the place was mine.”
Jack had a followup question – mostly why Robby thought Dennis would be distracted by the idea of him nude – but what Dennis had just told him was so disheartening that Jack had felt immediately sick. “Did he say anything else?”
“Just that,” Dennis said quietly. “He tried to follow it up with a joke, but it didn’t feel like a joke. I’ve been getting this vibe from him all day.” He looked up at Jack, concern writ large. “You know him better than anyone else except for Dana. If there’s something we can do…”
“I know.” Jack had been worried after the Pittfest shooting, but that had been one thing. This was not Robby standing near the edge of a roof. This was Robby saying his goodbyes, making his rounds, putting his affairs in order. Jack’s suicide detector had gone from moderately concerned to gearing up for an involuntary psych hold, and he checked his watch, trying to parse out exactly what to do. “If he’s getting you to housesit, he’s gonna be giving you a key. Did he say as much?”
“He told me to find him after the shift is done,” Dennis said. “We can use that, right?”
“Smart kid,” Jack said. “I’m definitely not getting any sleep before my shift starts.” He paused, racking his mind. “Who’s the psych on call today? Is it Caleb?” Dennis looked at him blankly and Jack sighed. “Dr. Jefferson.”
“Oh, yeah, it is. I think he already talked to Robby, though.”
“Robby won’t tell Caleb what’s going on. He won’t even hint at it if he’s smart. He definitely didn’t think you’d have the balls to come and tell me what he said. You’re the one who helped him last year, though, aren’t you?”
“I mean, help is a strong word,” Dennis said, going pink again. “I just gave him a hand up.” His face, permanently worried to begin with, was now pinched with anxiety. He’d begun to worry at the corner of his lip, a small bead of blood pearling there, and Jack briefly considered wiping it away, stopping himself only by sticking his hands in the pockets of his camo pants. “What did he say to you to make you think the same thing?”
“It wasn’t what he said,” Jack said, matching Dennis’s soft tone. “He wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and when he did it was… he really looked like he was about to cry. I even dug at him about Dr. Al-Hashimi and he didn’t take the bait. A year ago if you’d implied that this wasn’t his ER, he’d have bit your head off. He barely even flinched just now. I’ve worked with him for years, kid. I’ve never seen him like this, not even after Dr. Adamson died. We can’t let him do what he wants to do after his shift.”
“I agree,” Dennis said, hugging himself despite the thick heat in the air. “I mean, between the two of us, we could probably physically take him. I know for a fact I’m stronger than he is.”
“Looking at your arms, I’m pretty sure you could take most of us,” Jack said, laughing darkly. “But I don’t want it to come to that. I’m going to go upstairs and have a chat with Caleb, see what our options are. I need you to keep an eye on him, and the second your shift is done and you have the opportunity to head out, stick to him like white on rice.” He tugged his phone out, handing it over to Dennis. “Put your number in.”
Dennis fumbled with it briefly before doing as he was told, handing it back. Jack sent off a brief text so Dennis would have his number as well, the pair of them standing there for a few more moments before Dennis spoke again uncertainly. “I’ll text you when we’re finished?”
“Yeah,” Jack said. “Don’t let him out of your sight.”
“Do you have a car?” Jack raised his eyebrows and Dennis looked over at the three motorcycles sitting in the parking spots nearby, his meaning clear. “It’s not safe.”
“You’re right,” Jack said. “I rode down here with the SWAT guys but I’ll get my car. If he says anything to anyone else, tell me.” He leaned back to look back at the ER, to see if anyone was coming, and then impulsively pulled Dennis into a brief, tight hug. “Thank you. I mean it, Dennis.”
Dennis hesitated before putting his arms around Jack in return, hugging him back. They stood like that for a few seconds before Dennis let go, blushing to the tips of his ears now. “I’ve got to get back,” he said. “I’ll see you in a few hours, okay?”
He headed back inside after a few more moments of hesitation, his right hand lingering on Jack’s lower back until he finally left, and Jack resumed his pacing, this time with a more pressing sense of anxiety, a weight sitting on his chest. For a man who’d been through war, who’d seen the worst of human behavior, who functioned so well under pressure that he nearly couldn’t function without it, he found himself suddenly paralyzed with indecision.
In the end he swallowed it down as he had swallowed down so much before, walking around to the main entrance of the hospital and taking the elevator up to the psychiatric floor. One of the nurses spotted him right away, pushing up out of her chair halfway before he waved at her to sit back down. “Is Dr. Jefferson around?”
“I think he’s in his office,” she said. “But he’s been up and down so much today that it’s hard to know for sure. You’re welcome to check, though.”
“I appreciate it,” Jack said, heading down the hallway to where he knew Caleb’s office was. The guy had been an invaluable resource alongside the VA for getting him back into therapy after his wife had died, and Jack knew that his concern for Robby would be as well-placed as his and Dennis’s.
Caleb was behind his desk and he looked up when Jack entered without knocking, the annoyance on his face disappearing as soon as he saw who it was. “Okay, this is a weird visit,” he said, wheeling around to greet Jack as he closed the door behind him. “I don’t ever see you on this floor.”
“Sorry, I know,” Jack said, settling into one of the chairs in the office, wondering if his face was actually as grim as it felt. “Have you talked to Robby at all today?”
“A couple times, sure,” Caleb said, frowning. “Is this about that idiotic motorcycle trip? I’ve been trying to get him to reconsider, but–”
“Has he said anything to you that’s made you concerned? Like, more concerned than the baseline amount.”
Caleb looked at Jack shrewdly, his expression one of a man who clearly understood what he was being asked. “What did he say to you?”
Jack explained it, explained how Robby had acted, what he had said to Whitaker, the conclusion that both of them had come to. When he was done Caleb looked as upset as Jack had ever seen him, his face chalk white. “I know that I don’t have a ton of sway here since he’s a grown man at the end of the day,” Jack said. “But this isn’t passive anymore. I know Robby and I both have our demons. I’ve always known that about him. I’ve never thought he was actually on the cusp of doing something to himself until today. Something about the way he was talking… It was like he knew full well that he wasn’t going to see me again. I was going to walk out of the ED and head home and when I woke up for my shift he was already going to be dead. Like talking to a ghost.”
“He’s been steadily declining since the shooting last year,” Caleb said. “I know that day took a lot out of everyone but Robby’s the only one who’s been dodging therapy.” He sighed, looking down at his lap. “You’re right, there isn’t a lot we can do without getting the police involved. If you can voluntarily convince him to get help, that’s one thing, but otherwise we need to look at a 302 warrant. You said Dr. Whitaker’s involved?”
“He’s keeping an eye on Robby right now. I don’t think Robby will do anything until he’s off shift but…” Jack swallowed, emotion hitting him suddenly, balling up in his throat like he could choke on it. “He’s been running. He’s always running. Running from what COVID did to all of us, running from Adamson’s ghost, from Pittfest, from Jake and Langdon. And you can ask him about this shit until you’re blue in the face but he just brushes it off and makes a stupid fucking joke and I’ve just been fine with that until now. Should I have pushed him more?”
“I think you’re one of the only stable things Robby has in his life,” Caleb said slowly. “Listen, there’s nothing you can do until he’s off work. Go home, get some sleep, and calm yourself down. I’ll do some more research on what our options are, but I think the best thing for it right now is for you and Dr. Whitaker to have a conversation with him tonight. Don’t let him leave on his sabbatical. If we have to have him involuntarily committed…” Caleb frowned, the option clearly not one he liked, but at the end of the day Jack knew he would do it. “If we can keep him in town, we have the time we need to get him on the right track.”
“Jesus Christ, Caleb, if he kills himself…”
“We’re not going to let it get to that point,” Caleb said. “If he’s been running, don’t give him the option to run anymore.”
Jack took a cab home, the city so hot that the idea of walking back sounded nightmarish, and had barely gotten in his front door when he was hit by a wall of sleep. He napped restlessly on his couch for a few hours, waking up every so often and checking his phone to see if Dennis had texted him before falling back into a fitful and dreamless sleep. At half-past six he woke for good and took a brisk shower, pulling on a clean pair of scrubs and wondering how they were going to pull this off.
He had grabbed his backpack and his car keys when his phone buzzed in his pocket, Jack fishing it out to see a text from Dennis. He’s started cutting people early. Trying to get me to leave but I got Dana to give me an extra patient. Dr. Ellis is here. Do you want me to ask her if she can cover you for a few minutes when you get here?
Jack read the text carefully, his stomach twisted up in knots, and responded quickly. Yes. Are there any empty rooms right now?
No, but they got the baby out of Peds. We could talk there. This with a little frowny face that Jack took to mean that he knew how much Robby hated Peds, although Jack thought it honestly might be the best spot for it.
That works. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes. Do you have a license?
I can drive anything, Dennis texted back, a little tractor emoji accompanying his message. Jack smiled despite himself, glad that he wasn’t stuck facing this on his own, and stuck his phone back in his pocket. There was nothing for it now. The conversation had to happen, and if Jack had to physically stop Robby from leaving he’d do it. He’d realized a while ago that he’d do anything for Robby, that his loyalty to the guy was unconditional, and he had a strong sense that Dennis Whitaker was in the same boat. Jack wasn’t naive enough to think that the power of love would do anything to cure Robby, but it might at least nudge him in the right direction if applied correctly.
He got to the hospital ten minutes early for his shift, heading inside and getting to his locker unmolested. Parker was the first person he saw when he got inside, standing at the nurse’s station and talking to Princess, and when she spotted him she flicked her eyes towards Peds. The curtains were drawn and Dana was standing nearby, ostensibly checking over the paper charts. As soon as he drew closer, however, she frowned at him. “Why am I on guard duty?”
“It’s for a good cause,” Jack said. “We won’t be long, I mean it.”
“I got an ER to run, Abbot,” Dana said, but there was no heat in her words, and as he pushed into Peds he could have sworn he saw concern in her eyes.
Jack closed the door behind himself, stepping past the curtains and finding Robby leaning against the far wall, his dark eyes fixed on Dennis, who was standing with his legs set shoulder width apart as though he was prepared to tackle Robby if he tried to make any kind of move. Jack wouldn’t put it past the younger man, the tension in the room so thick that Jack could feel it on his skin. “Oh,” Robby said finally, arms crossed. “So Dennis wasn’t lying about this part.”
“I wasn’t lying about any part,” Dennis said, clearly trying very hard to keep his voice level. “I told you, Dr. Abbot and I need to talk to you about your sabbatical.”
Robby looked at Jack, his suspicion overt. “What’s going on?”
“Did you tell Whitaker earlier that if you didn’t make it back from your trip, he could have your house?” Jack asked, deciding to get straight to the point.
Robby immediately broke eye contact, staring instead at one of the small painted animals on the wall. “Did you want it instead?”
“I think I want to know why you wouldn’t be coming back,” Jack said. “You did the same thing with me, you know. I can tell when someone is saying goodbye and when they’re just saying see you later. Look at me, Robby.”
Robby didn’t do as he was told, the three of them standing in uncomfortable silence until Dennis spoke. “Are you planning on killing yourself?”
Robby glanced at him, brief and furtive, before forcing a laugh. “Is that really what you think is happening?”
“Don’t,” Jack said, sharper than he meant to. “How long have we known each other, man? Do you think I wouldn’t notice when something’s wrong? You’re not okay. And maybe you haven’t been for a long time, but I just kept hoping that you’d realize one day that you could come and tell me that you weren’t okay and we could get you some help, but now it just kind of seems like you’re going to keep running until you run yourself right off a cliff.”
“So what?” Robby asked, and it caught Jack off guard. Robby looked between the two of them, his brow furrowed, and Jack could see in his eyes that he didn’t believe that the intervention of Jack and Dennis meant anything. Jack was seeing that same glint in his eyes, that same near-tearful admission of a bone-deep depression, and he shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself from crossing the room and grabbing Robby right then and there. “So what if I do, Jack? Haven’t I done enough? Don’t I get a break?”
“Not if it means you die,” Dennis said, forceful in a way he hadn’t been yet. “You don’t get to just leave here and crash your motorcycle somewhere, Robby. That’s not okay. That’s not a break.”
“Fuck,” Robby bit out. “You have no clue, Whitaker. No fucking idea. How it feels. Like someone’s cracked open your chest and scooped out every last bit of meat. Like crashing your bike on the way home is the best case scenario because it means you don’t have to come back here in the morning. Like you can’t live without this job but you also can’t live with it, you can’t live with it, because people just keep fucking dying, and you can’t save them. You just can’t save them anymore.”
“But you do!” Dennis reached out and grabbed Jack’s arm, clearly using him as emotional support. “You do, though. People are always going to die, and sometimes they’re going to die because we couldn’t work fast enough, or because we missed something. Do you think that I don’t feel it? After Louie today, after Pittfest, after Amy’s husband… do you think that I don’t feel those deaths? That they don’t mean anything? I feel all of them. I’m sure Jack does, too. But the people we save far outweigh the people we lose. And seeing the worst of everything means we get to see the best of it, too.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Robby said steadfastly. “But I also know I can’t just stop. I can’t just go and retire and do nothing. I can’t just take three months off and pretend that it’ll fix everything.”
“You can if you let us help you.” Jack managed to keep his voice steady, recognizing that the three of them needed to avoid getting heated, his worry that they might drive Robby away diminishing slightly when he realized that he hadn’t taken off yet. “Listen, I talked to Caleb earlier. There’s an in-patient treatment center here in town. With your sabbatical already set up, you’d just have to spend some time getting help. Dennis can still watch your place, you can still have your time off. You can just do it without killing yourself in Alberta of all places.”
“I don’t want to put myself in some center,” Robby said quietly. “I’ve told Caleb before, therapy’s just not for me. I’m not interested.”
“It’s either you check yourself in or I check you in,” Jack said. “Caleb will sign the 302 in a heartbeat if I ask him to. I can guarantee you that the center is a hell of a lot nicer than the psych ward, and they’ll take you on Monday. Dennis is going to take you back to my place in the meantime. He’s off this weekend and I’m off after tonight, so we’ll spend some time together and get this sorted, Robby. We’re not letting you leave either way.”
“Why?” Robby asked, imbuing that single word with so much anger and bewilderment that it nearly stung. “Why do you even care if I come back here or not?”
“I don’t care if you quit the ER,” Jack said. “I don’t care if you become a beekeeper or a marine biologist or some other bullshit. But I care if you’re dead, if I can’t see you anymore, if I can’t swing by your place for a beer or shoot the shit with you when I want to. I know it’s hard to believe, and I can’t speak for Dennis here, but I love you. I mean that. You can take it however you want, but it’s the truth. You keep me grounded, and you keep me focused, and my life would be infinitely darker without you in it.”
Dennis looked up at him, caught off guard, but to the kid’s credit he was quick on his feet, turning his attention back to Robby immediately. “Mine, too. I don’t think you know the influence you have. Trinity loves you. She has, uh… she’s got a hard time trusting men, especially men in positions of power, but she trusts you. And Mel, she talks about you all the time. She clearly thinks you hung the moon. Vic, too. You have no idea how much her mom hates you because of how Vic looks up to you. That’s just a handful of us, Robby. But I… you mean a lot to me.” He swallowed, digging his fingertips deeper into Jack’s arm. “Like Jack said, we’re doing this because we love you, even if you don’t think you deserve that love.”
Robby was quiet, clearly not having anticipated that reaction from the two of them, his gaze once again fixed on the wall of the room. Jack wondered if he was thinking of Adamson, who’d had his own influence on all of them, who’d died before his time, and decided to throw caution to the wind. Dragging Whitaker with him solely because the kid was still holding onto his arm, Jack crossed the room and pulled Robby into a bone-crushing hug. Having a man a good four inches taller than him collapse into his arms would have been enough to destabilize him if Whitaker didn’t bear some of the weight as well, putting his arms around them both and resting his head against Robby’s shoulder.
Jack became aware belatedly that Robby was crying but he didn’t let go, didn’t move away. He just held him, was held by Dennis in return, and the three of them stood there for what felt like an eternity but must have been less than a minute before Robby pulled back, wiping his eyes with the heel of his palm. Dennis turned away, rubbing at his face as well, and Jack looked at them both. “Dennis is gonna take you home,” Jack said finally. “And we’re going to look after you. That’s the long and the short of it. No arguments.”
“No arguments,” Robby repeated, a tacit agreement, and when he looked at Jack there was still that hollow glint in his eye but a second fire burning alongside it, a grit that Jack had thought Robby had lost. “I’ll be there when you get home in the morning.”
“Good,” Jack said. “We can take it one step at a time. That’s all I ask.”
“I know,” Robby said, letting out a shuddering sigh. When he spoke again it was soft, barely audible, but both Jack and Dennis heard it clear as day. “I love you both, too.”