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“Teeeer, if I ask you a question, can you promise not to hit me?”
“No”
Duang laughs immediately, bright and giddy.
“Of course. Let me rephrase that.” He clears his throat dramatically and props his head on his arm, turning so he can look at Qin lying by his side. “If I ask you a question, because I’m curious and not trying to imply anything, could you try not to hit me? It’s late and I’d rather avoid pain.”
A beat of silence.
“Already tempted.”
“Teeeer”
A quiet huff.
“I can try,” Qin finally agrees, “Don’t ask anything too dumb.”
Duang doesn’t waste any time.
“Why do you keep insisting on the pillow every night, when you’re the one that ends up on my side every morning?”
If Duang wasn’t already feeling absurdly privileged to be allowed into Qin’s bed for a third weekend in a row, and if he didn’t know he was already walking on thin ice by asking something like this so late into what had become their night routine, he might have said something more descriptive. Something like: when you’re the one who ends up crawling into my arms.
But even with his impulsive mouth and his inability to filter his thoughts, Duang still possesses a little self preservation, so he doesn’t say it.
When several seconds pass and Qin still hasn’t answered, has barely moved, Duang starts to panic.
“N-not that it bothers me!” He rushes to add. “Like, at all. We can keep it forever. I’m not complaining! But I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” What Duang had intended to be simple lighthearted question quickly turns into an exposure of his insecurities thanks to his panicking brain. “I know you like the cuddles, you can’t fool me. Is it because you think I’m going to… like… do something? Because I know Duang is excited and a bit pushy with your personal space, but I need you to be sure that I’d never! If you feel like I might I can sleep on the sofa or the floor or even stop staying over, even though I really like your morning cuddles now but–”
“Duang.”
Duang clamps his mouth shut so fast his teeth click painfully.
On the other side of the pillow, Qin exhales slowly.
“It’s not that I–” Duang can practically hear him debating himself on whether he wants to open up about this or not. Thankfully, he seems to decide that he does. “Of course I know you won’t do anything like that,” Qin continues quietly. “I wouldn’t let you in my bed if I thought so. Obviously.”
“Oh,” Duang relaxes immediately. “Great.”
He turns around, ready to wish the other a good night and fall asleep, but he’s surprised when Qin continues.
“I…” Qin starts, but pauses again. “You have done nothing wrong.”
The words, and especially the way they’re said, tug something in Duang’s chest. These are the exact same words Qin used the first night Duang stayed over, drunk and sad because Qin had been pulling away.
Qin is using the same careful tone, but he also sounds like he’s annoyed at his own feelings.
“It’s my own issue” Qin says at last. “You have been nothing but consistent and patient.”
“Okay,” Duang replies softly, feeling lighter at the thought of Qin praising him.
Curiosity, however, makes him want to poke the bear a little more.
Qin is opening up! They’re making so much progress.
“Would you… like to share the… issue?” He asks, carefully.
Another pause, this one stretching longer.
Both of them stare at the ceiling, listening to each other breathe, and Duang wants to stay here forever.
“You have proven that you’re true.” Qin breaks the silence, the words measured. “I can’t remember a single day since you asked to win my heart that you haven’t proven how serious you are about it.”
Duang’s smile stretches ear to ear. He’s so happy Qin is verbally acknowledging his commitment, even if he’d known Qin has been appreciating it for weeks. After all, Duang considers himself an expert in Qin language.
“But…” Qin continues slowly “my mind can’t help but think about one thing over and over.” Duang turns his head to look at him again. He has the most beautiful side profile ever. Well, Qin has the most beautiful everything, if he’s being honest. “What happens when you get bored?”
“WHAT?”
Duang bolts upright so fast the mattress shakes. He sits cross-legged and watches Qin side-eye him for the volume.
“What happens when you get tired of having to chase after me? Or even worse, when I say yes and you realize you’re settling for nothing, or when my cold personality starts being annoying instead of cute to you, and you get bored and leave anyway?”
Duang’s never heard Qin sound so vulnerable, so he doesn’t dare interrupt.
“That’s just who I am, Duang. It’s not like they say, I’m not putting a wall up for you to climb. I can’t change how I express myself.” His voice goes a little louder. “I’ve always thought that one day you’d get bored of the chase and drop this.” Duang stares at him in disbelief. “But you’ve proved again and again how true you are. So what happens when I’m not enough?”
Duang slowly sinks back down onto the mattress, taking it all in. He blinks away the tears that he hadn’t realized had appeared on his eyes, and after a while he asks, “Is that really how you see yourself?”
Instead of answering the question, Qin says, “You’re so full of light, of life.” His voice is not measured now, “everywhere you go, you’re loved.”
Duang blinks “You are, too. You’re literally so popular.” He tries to argue.
“Everyone thinks I’m attractive. That’s different.” Qin continues. “They just like that I’m mysterious. People see me just existing and think I’m making an effort to be unapproachable, like a challenge.”
Duang lets the words sink in for a second, then proceeds to groan dramatically and throw an arm over his eyes.
“Boring? Settling for nothing?” He asks incredulously. “No offense, Ter, but your mind is being ridiculous! Blasphemously ridiculous”
Qin turns his head enough to frown at him.
“You said you wouldn’t be dumb.”
“I didn’t ask a dumb question” Duang replies immediately. “That was a statement.”
Qin squints at him.
Duang sighs and sits facing Qin again. Qin’s cheek is squished adorably against the pillow.
“Okay. I’m going to talk a lot. And you’ll listen.”
“You always talk a lot.”
“True.” He admits. Then, he begins “First of all, you’re not boring.”
“I didn’t say I was”
“You implied it,” Duang interrupts. “And you’re wrong. Completely wrong! If this was an exam you’d get negative points! You’re fascinating!”
Qin rolls his eyes faintly at his antics, but he doesn’t look like a cornered cat anymore, so Duang takes it as a win.
“You think I’m here because it’s exciting to… chase you?” He continues, “I’m not making an effort I don’t want to make, Qin. It’s not even an effort at all!”
Qin looks away, maybe from annoyance, but maybe because he’s getting flustered.
“You keep talking like I’m forcing myself though some difficult obstacle course just to get you.” He shakes his head. “But that’s not how it feels, like, at all.”
Qin’s brows pull together slightly, but he takes the bait.
“How does it feel, then?”
Duang grins, not even having to think about it.
“It feels like hanging out with the person I like the most.”
Qin blinks, waiting for more. “That’s it?”
“That’s it!”
He gestures vaguely around them. “Look at us! We’re just lying in bed talking, with matching pajamas! This is by far my favorite moment of the week.” Duang pokes the pillow between them. “You think this is tiring for me? Spending time with you? Ter, I could do this forever.” He frowns. “No, scratch that. I WILL do this forever. Well, as long as you let me, of course.”
He needs Qin to know there isn’t a world where Duang does not want them to be together, no universe where Duang ever considers leaving.
“Even if you stay the same forever, even if you kept the cold replies and the judgmental looks, I’d never get tired.”
The room goes quiet, Qin stares at Duang’s soul, then says.
“You could have anyone”
Duang snorts.
“Not true.” He says lightheartedly, and then, more serious, “But, have you considered that maybe I don’t want anyone?”
“Why not?”
“I’ve told you already, I only want you.” He says immediately. Simply. Certainly.
Qin’s breathing stutters almost imperceptibly. But Duang notices, like always. He even thinks Qin’s eyes are watering.
“You keep acting like I’m chasing some big prize at the end,” he says. “Like once I get it, the game is over. But Ter… this already is the prize.”
There’s another long silence.
Then, almost reluctantly, Qin says, “…The pillow makes it easier.”
“For what?”
“Easier to not get so used to you being here. For when you eventually leave.”
Duang’s heart breaks.
“Ter, that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Qin doesn’t reply.
If Duang didn’t know any better, he’d throw the pillow through the window and hug Qin tightly until all those fears left his gorgeous body.
Duang stares at the long pillow for a moment, then decides to grab it. Qin immediately stiffens.
“What are you doing?”
Duang hugs the pillow to his chest, throwing a leg over it for good measure.
“I’m respecting your barrier,” He says solemnly. “But I need to hug you so I’m hugging the barrier instead.”
Qin looks at him, with watery eyes still. “You’re holding the barrier, that defeats the purpose.”
“Maybe.”
“Give it back”
Duang thinks about it, but eventually places the pillow back between them. “Fine.”
Qin hums in appreciation, then yawns.
“Ter”
“mmh?”
“I don’t need you to become warmer, or more expressive, so I won’t leave,” he says “I already love you like this.” His voice drops to the quietest whisper. “And when one day you say yes… It won’t change who we are.”
Another long silence settles between them. Duang moves to the nightstand by his side of the bed and turns off the lights.
He’s settling under the blanket, ready to fall right asleep, when Qin murmurs “Good night, Duang.”
The pillow remains between them. Duang smiles.
----------
When Duang wakes up the next morning, golden sunlight is creeping through the window.
The long pillow is, as expected, abandoned near the edge of the mattress. Duang is sprawled on his side of the bed like a starfish. But Qin? Qin is curled against him, his left arm loosely around Duang’s waist, his face tucked into Duang’s chest.
At some point during the night, the distance between them had disappeared once again.
He looks down at Qin and smiles. His face is relaxed, hair messy and breath warm against Duang’s shirt.
Duang’s heart feels like it might explode. He bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from screaming.
Look at this perfect guy, Mr. cold attitude, snuggling into my arms like a sleepy cat.
He watches Qin for several minutes.
Cautiously, he lifts one hand and lets it hover awkwardly in the air before gently resting it on Qin’s back.
Qin shifts slightly in his sleep and Duang freezes. But instead of pulling away, the shorter one moves closer.
Duang nearly dies.
He stares at the ceiling, grinning like an idiot and basking in the glorious feeling of Qin’s body resting against his own, so softly.
“What’s that face for?” Qin whispers, his voice hoarse with sleep. When Duang looks down, Qin’s eyes are now open, staring at him.
Duang tenses, preparing for the usual reaction: a push, a kick. Some kind of violence. Immediate retreat and cold embarrassment.
Duang waits. And waits.
But it doesn’t come.
Qin simply watches him, their arms still around each other, breathing the same air.
“…aren’t you going to push me away?” Duang finally whispers.
Qins frowns slightly, like he’s remembering that’s what he’s supposed to do.
After a long exhale, he says, “…In five minutes.” And snuggles against Duang’s shoulder, closing his eyes again.
Duang’s brain fully stops working as he watches a faint pink creep into Qin’s ears. Then, very slowly, he relaxes his arms around Qin’s body.
And for the next forty minutes, neither of them moves.
Even though the barrier comes back at night, Duang won’t mind. Because every morning, without fail, Qin chooses him anyway.