Work Text:
Silver felt himself fall into his dreamscape, landing on the ethereal no-floor of the endless plain.
Right… He’d exhausted himself crying after Lilia had told him that he was leaving. That Silver could sell the cottage, their home, if he wanted to. That they’d never see each other again.
Silver felt a far too familiar anguish build back up in his heart at the memory.
Silver walked over to one of the areas of his dreamscape that was almost completely surrounded by glass stars. Silver summoned a swing that hung from the infinitely far up ceiling, sitting down on it. The swing was almost the exact same as the one that Lilia had made for him when he was little in the forest clearing of their home, only this one was made of glass. Something as fragile as Silver’s heart currently was.
Silver summoned a guitar onto his lap, resting his fingers against the strings. When Silver had found out Lilia joined the pop-music club he had started learning how to play an instrument to be able to better appreciate the effort Lilia put into his songs and practices. At first Silver was going to learn how to play the electric guitar like Lilia, but he had quickly found out that the heavy metal instrument didn’t fit him. And the closest thing was an acoustic guitar, so he settled on that.
Silver strummed the strings of the guitar in a pattern that he felt seemed right for the moment, for what he needed to vent. “Your boxes packed up on the bed.” Silver sung, his mind flashing back to all of Lilia’s old things packed into boxes in his room. “Your words are in my head, tellin’ me it’ll be okay.”
“I’m leaving. For good.” Lilia said, his soft voice a hard contrast to the ice water Silver felt was just dumped on him by those words.
“What-? F-Father you can’t leave…!” Silver said desperately, grabbing onto one of Lilia’s hands, his eyes already shining with tears. Lilia couldn’t leave, not yet. Silver understood why he might want to leave, after all Silver isn’t the best son, but he also hadn’t done anything to repay Lilia yet. He hadn’t become a knight yet.
Lilia smiled softly, squeezing Silver’s hand comfortingly in the same way he would when the human boy was little. “I have to. But it’ll be okay, you’ll be okay. I know you will, you’re strong and independent, and you will be a wonderful knight when the day comes.” Lilia said softly.
“You’ll remember what you said, or was it just another lie?” Silver sung. He knew Lilia had lied to him before, if not directly than by omission for seven years. Lilia hadn’t told Silver that they weren’t biologically related, that Silver wasn’t his son, until Silver had asked about their ears.
Perhaps Lilia never would have told him if Silver hadn’t asked.
A part of Silver wished he never had asked that fateful question that turned his life upside down. Turned it into a constant need to keep secrets and repay his father and lord.
“This place that used to be your home.” Silver sung, his mind wandering back to the cottage.
Lilia had said Silver could sell it if he wanted to. Sell it. Sell his entire childhood as if it meant nothing. Perhaps it had meant nothing to Lilia. Perhaps he had meant nothing to Lilia.
How could he mean anything to the fae when Silver had only been in his life for seventeen years? For a fae that was so little, for one as old as Lilia was that was practically nothing. He was practically nothing. Lilia had been alive for centuries, seen countless humans be born and die while he remained the same, un-aging. Silver was just another human.
“Will you write me letters?” Silver sung, the question hanging heavily.
He remembered how whenever Lilia had been sent away on missions by the queen, he would always write Silver at least one letter depending on how long the mission was taking. But this wasn’t a mission assigned by the queen. Lilia was going away of his own free will. Abandoning Silver of his own free will.
So, perhaps Lilia would send him letters, for old times sake. To keep in touch with the human he had raised to be strong and a knight. Or perhaps he wouldn’t. Perhaps Lilia had finally realized the mistake he made when he had taken Silver in and wanted to leave until Silver was gone, nothing but a fragmented, bad memory. Perhaps then he might go back to the Briar Valley for Malleus, the two were close after all.
“Will I hear your voice in the middle of the night when I turn out the light…?” Silver asked to the ethereal void.
Silver remembered how whenever he was scared or sad he would patter over to Lilia. The older fae would always welcome him with open arms, even if it was nighttime.
A five-year-old Silver crept out of his bed, still only in his PJs and barefoot. He felt the cold wood of the floor as he stood, making his way over to his bedroom door. Silver opened the door as quietly as possible. He wanted to be with Lilia, but his plan was to just slip into his papa’s bed without waking him up and go back to sleep where Silver knew it was safe.
Silver crept down the hallway, being careful to avoid the floorboards that he knew were creaky. There was another crack of thunder, making the young child jump, and all thoughts of being careful and quiet went right out the window and into the freezing cold rain.
Silver practically sprinted the rest of the way down the hallway, rushing into his papa’s room. When he got there, Lilia was awake, already holding the blanket up for Silver.
Silver didn’t wait for permission as he quickly climbed into bed beside Lilia, curling up against the fae’s chest. Lilia laid the blanket over the two of them and wrapped his arms around the trembling human. “Sh… It’s okay baby… I’m right here, that mean thunder can’t hurt you with me here.” Lilia said, combing his fingers through the child’s hair oh so gently.
Silver believed him, allowing himself to fall into a state of calm as sleep claimed him once again.
“Or are you just another ghost…?” Silver sung. As he said this, his mind wandered back to that kind spirit from the day he ran away.
That was the only time he’d seen the spirit, it had never come back. But Silver was grateful for him all the same. The spirit had held him in a gentle manner, the same way Lilia held him and stayed curled up in that hollowed out tree that Silver had no idea how he fit in until Lilia found them.
Silver wondered if Lilia would end up like that spirit. Something that Silver had and once was gone, would never come back for him. No matter how much Silver wished he would.
“How could you lie to my face? And did our time mean nothing to you?” Silver sung.
It hurt to think that he had meant nothing to Lilia, but it was a valid question. Lilia was leaving him behind after all. And for what?
Lilia had promised that he would be there to see Silver become a knight. And now he was just leaving. There was so much that Silver still needed to prove to Lilia, so much he needed to repay. And yet Lilia was just leaving without a care in the world.
Lilia was leaving and there was nothing Silver could do to stop it. Lilia was leaving and he would never come back. He was just going to disappear from Silver’s life, without leaving anything for others to know how close the two were.
“Were you bluffing all along? That you would be there to see, me rise to be his knight.” Silver sung, a bit of anger bubbling up inside his chest. He didn’t want to be angry at Lilia. He wanted to be happy that Lilia was travelling, something he knew that the older fae loved.
But Silver couldn’t help the anger that built in his chest. Lilia had promised him that he would be there to see him become a knight, become Malleus’ knight. Yet here he was, leaving. As if Silver never mattered to him in the first place.
Yet Lilia meant more to Silver than he could ever know.
“If you thought that I’d forget you, you were wrong. Oh, you were wrong, oh.” Silver sung.
Silver could never be able to forget or erase Lilia in the way that Lilia was doing to him. No matter how many times Lilia told Silver that he wanted him to move on and be happy, continue with his life, Silver could never forget.
“And when you’re gone, I will be okay.” Silver sung.
Silver knew he’d be okay, he had to be. If for no other reason than because he knew that Lilia wouldn’t be happy if he knew that Silver wasn’t okay. And Silver had to be okay for Malleus. Malleus needed a strong knight who wasn’t distracted by something as stupid as sadness or self-pity. Meaning Silver had to pull himself together. And he had to be okay for Sebek. Silver helped Sebek a lot. And Silver knew that as much as the boy denied it, Sebek would often seek support and comfort from Silver, something Silver always gave without hesitation. Meaning that he needed to be okay so he could be there for Sebek. So, Silver would be okay for Lilia, for Malleus, for Sebek, for everyone who needed a secret keeper.
“I will be okay.” Silver sung again, though he didn’t know if he was trying to convince himself or the imaginary Lilia in his head. “Though I’ll never be the same…”
And how could he be?
The man that Silver had dedicated his whole life to, that Silver would give up his life for, that Silver wanted to repay more than anything else in this world… Was leaving him behind. And Lilia wouldn’t even tell him why.
Silver hated how much worse that made him feel. Did Lilia truly distrust and hate him so much that he wouldn’t even divulge the reason he was abandoning everything to him?
“And I’ll know that I was right to doubt you…” Silver sung gently.
Silver recalled the first time that Lilia had told him ‘I love you’ after he first ran away.
“Great job Silver!” Lilia said as he watched Silver, currently seven, train with a wooden sword.
“Thank you…” Silver said shyly. He didn’t deserve the praise, he was nowhere near good enough yet. He needed to be better.
Lilia smiled softly, ruffling Silver’s hair. “My little one, so strong already.” Lilia said happily.
Silver couldn’t help the smile that tugged on his lips. “Thank you father… I love you.” Silver said, the last part slipping out before he could stop it.
Lilia chuckled in response, as if Silver had said something funny, perhaps it was. Perhaps Lilia was amused by how foolish Silver was to admit that to a fae. “I love you too.” Lilia said, kissing his cheek playfully. “Now, I’ll go start on dinner. Go ahead and wash up, I’ll handle the cooking.” Lilia said before turning on his heel and heading back inside.
Maybe it was what had occurred not a month ago. Maybe it was the fact that Lilia had laughed. Maybe it was how Lilia’s voice stayed so light and airy. Maybe it was how Lilia immediately changed the subject.
But Silver didn’t believe him.
“I’ll grow without you and you’ll only know my name.” Silver sung softly.
As much as Silver feared it, he knew that time would continue even when he was without his father. He would continue to grow as a knight in training into a proper knight, continue to grow as Malleus’ retainer, continue to grow as a person. And Lilia wouldn’t be there to see it.
Perhaps Lilia never truly wanted to be there to see it.
But Silver would continue to grow and change. And if Lilia wasn’t there, then that would mean that one day Lilia might not know anything about him. Wouldn’t be there through his first days as a knight, wouldn’t see his accomplishments. Anything.
And Silver didn’t even have Lilia’s last name as a way to link them together.
“You always told me I’d be okay…” Silver sung, his voice becoming more dejected.
“Father?” An eight-year-old Silver asked from where he was helping Lilia cook dinner. He always tried to help with meals, both to lessen Lilia’s work and also because he’d rather not have food poisoning after every meal.
“Yes?” Lilia asked, glancing at him from where he was cutting vegetables for the stew.
“What if one day you’re gone and I’m still here…?” Silver asked hesitantly.
Lilia turned to fully look at him, seeming surprised by the question, before a soft, reassuring smile made its way onto his face. Lilia knelt down to Silver’s height, cupping both sides of his face in his hands. “Well then you’ll be all grown up. And you won’t need me anymore.” Lilia said softly.
“But I’ll always need you…” Silver responded, reaching up to squeeze Lilia’s own hands.
Lilia’s lips twitched upwards, and something Silver couldn’t discern passed in his crimson eyes. “You’ll be okay…”
“Well, I’ll be okay…”
“I’ll be okay…?” Silver repeated as a question, looking up at his father for the answer.
“Yeah… Yeah, you will be…” Lilia said, kissing Silver’s forehead.
“Though I’m not okay today…” Silver sung softly, his vision blurring with tears, the words spoken like a confession of guilt.
“But my tears won’t fall upon your shoulder…” Silver sung, blinking rapidly in an attempt to get the tears to go away, but it only made them fall, more quickly replacing them in his eyes.
The tears dripped down his face, some fell on his lap, and one fell onto the ground, creating a rippling affect as if the ground was water instead of solid.
“I’ll just get older and you’ll only know my name…” Silver sung, playing the finally notes on the guitar before letting it disappear in a puff of sparkles.
Silver shifted on the glass swing, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them. Silver buried his face in his knees as his body trembled with quiet sobs.
But he’d be okay…
And if he wasn’t…
Then that was his secret…
To everyone else… Silver would be okay.