Work Text:
"child without emotions."
This is what akutagawa ryuunosuke was called in the slums by everyone. friends, children, Adults, Strangers. Everyone.
But he lost this title as soon as he joined the port mafia.
He wasn't entirely disappointed about it.
Being stoic was like torture, he wished he has felt something, anything.
happiness, saddens, grief.
Everything he could not.
Children in the slums usually didn't have problems with him being unemotional, but not when it came to deaths.
When a friend died, he was expected to experience grief.
But he didn't have time for that. he promised himself that when times will be better (he believed, that they will.) and he will have the strength to have any emotions, he will grieve.
But in the time being, he decided that caring about the living ones is more important than the dead ones.
he can grieve later. but he can't be late for the living ones, can't be too late to help.
Can't be too late for them, join the dead, before he could do anything.
But some children there didn't understand, why, akutagawa didn't grieve. they asked, demanded, cried, and screamed. at him to care, for the dead ones.
but the fourteen year old boy, didn't have the emotions to feel guilty. (Or perhaps just pretended, not to.)
Akutagawa would stay with the crying and screaming kids until they were too tired to fight, something they could never win.
Akutagawa didn't grieve.
But now he does.
Now he can feel.
now he doesn't know, what is worse.
The cold feeling of nothingness. that embraces him like a hug. with the coldest ice statue, there can be.
Or the endless anger, that he can feel in his bones. the feeling that feels like a fire, that unexpectedly turned bigger, and consumed him whole.
A fire that cannot be escaped, or put out with water.
"Can you give me any reason at all, as to why I should live?" Was the question he asked, the night he met dazai.
And with it came a request, that was never asked, but still fulfilled.
'Can you help me feel emotions?'
Because how can a person continue living, without reasons or emotions?
Dazai gave him both.
reasons? He gave him only one. get his approval.
Emotions? He gave him only one too, anger.
But if a reason is a single goal, one thing.
Emotions aren't.
Anger, can be a lot of things. Shame, Helplessness, jealousy, Pain, Grief.
These are emotions that come with anger, hand in hand.
And he feels them most.